posted
To those of you who are interested I lost my Dad July 28. He had been abruptly placed in a nursing home against his will a few months ago. I knew he was not the type to live in such a place but even though I fought to get him out I wasn't fast enough.
When I seen he was getting worse I sat down just the two of us. I told him even though I promised him all his life he would never have to live in a nursing home and that I would come live with him I wasn't able to get him out again because two people kept me from it.
I told him not to worry about his cows as my son and I would take care of them for him.
I also said we would take care of Mom like we had always done. I said Dad if you need to just go to sleep it's ok as you have worked so hard and I know you are tired.
He was gone in three hours. I hope he could hear me.
kelmo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8797
posted
He could hear you. And he loves you. Grieve, but don't live in shame or blame. You tried to honor your dad. By being with him, you gave him great respect and value.
Carol in PA
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5338
posted
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sure he heard you and took comfort in your words.
Carol
Posts: 6947 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
bettyg
Unregistered
posted
dorothy,
my heartfelt sympathies to you/your son on the loss of your beloved dad! i know he/your mom mean the world to you.
YES, HE HEARD YOU DOROTHY! You have been a blessing and a very special daughter all your life to both of your parents.
your brothers will have to live with themselves for ignoring them and treating them/you wrong! what goes around, comes around again.
Dorothy, may you find some special poems in my below link to help you through your grieving process and perhaps in his funeral bulletin or service; hope so!
Come and talk anytime you need to on here in support dorothy! talking is the best medicine getting things off your shoulders and out of your heart.
when you are sad and missing him, play a video tape of him if you have. it's great hearing their voices/laughter and watching their gestures and mannerisms.
if not, get out your special photos of you 2 or 3 w/dear mom in them too!
IP: Logged |
posted
I believe he heard you and your words provided him the comfort and peace that he needed to pass.
Do not burden yourself with guilt over things that you could not control. I am sure that is not what he would want you to do.
As a fellow (former) Iowan, my heart goes out ot you.
Posts: 390 | From Oakland, CA | Registered: May 2007
| IP: Logged |
sometimesdilly
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9982
posted
i am very sorry to hear that your father died, especially in a place you knew he did not want to be.
i'm also sorry for you that you weren't able to honor what you saw as a promise to keep him out of a nursing home.
Times of serious illness and death are very difficult on families, especially when family members disagree about what is best to do. I witnessed this in my mother's family when her mother became unable to take care of herself, and now in my own- my father is extremely ill. Sometimes families never put the pieces back together again.
You did everything you could to honor your promise to your father. Please be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve without guilt.
Also, it is the truth that the very last thing a person can still do before death is to hear. I have no doubt at all that yor father heard you, and it sounds like your compassion and love helped him to let go. you're a good daughter.
Love, dilly
Posts: 2507 | From lost in the maze | Registered: Aug 2006
| IP: Logged |
just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
Sick, I think you are the daughter that every father wishes he had!!being--just don--
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged |
treepatrol
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 4117
posted
Sorry you have lost your dad.
Nursing homes are okay my dads at one right now and he always said if it gets to hard for you to keep me put me in one. Which I did after 3 years of breing with my wife and I it was and is still one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We go and pick him up 2 or 3 times a week and he comes over for meals etc.
I know its a hard thing to do but I have gone through this with 2 grandmothers and one grand father and dad.
The thing is when they start getting bad they think they can still do some things which normaly like going to the basement to take a shower down steps when know one is home if they fall no one around to help through the day. At a (nursing personal care home) gets a shower everyday walking on a flat same floor and someone to help for balance, 3 meals a day ,they check his vitals make sure the pills are given at the right time. Then the time you spend with them there are no arguments its a better quality time .
-------------------- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Remember Iam not a Doctor Just someone struggling like you with Tick Borne Diseases.
posted
Hi Dorothy. I'm so glad you were able to get back to IA in time. I'm so sorry that you were unable to keep him from the nursing home...but as Tree said, they're not all bad.
Your post brought me to tears, thinking of my own mother's passing while in a nursing home. I'm glad you were able to let him go. I think that's really a gift of love.
And yes, he heard you!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
minoucat
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5175
posted
I'm so sorry for your loss.
A friend of mine was in a coma for 6 months after a fall from a 3-story building.
He said that he heard and understood what other people were saying to him, although he could not respond in any way.
He also said that one nurse in particular always came in and talked to him, encouraging him, telling him jokes, and talking about good things -- flowers blooming, how much his family loved him, and so on.
He remembered what she said very vividly after he came out of the coma, and he was deeply grateful for her kindness.
So I have no doubt that your father heard you, and that you made him feel very loved and very at peace.
-------------------- ********************* RECIDITE, PLEBES! Gero rem imperialem! (Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.)
posted
Hi: Your Dad heard your kind words. Allow yourself to grieve and not with guilt. My heart, prayers and thoughts are with you.
Posts: 719 | From Delaware | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
lymednva
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9098
posted
I'm also sure he heard your words to him at the end. I lost my 95 year old mother last summer, almost exactly a year ago now.
One of the last times I spoke with her in depth, after returning from an exciting and empowering trip she looked at me the entire time and then smiled to acknowledge me.
She could no longer speak much, but I'm sure she understood me.
Over the next few days her body began to shut down, but I was still able to slip into her room often to tell her I loved her, to smooth her hair, to give her a kiss, and just to sit with her. I know it meant a lot to her. It was also comforting to me.
I was lucky. She had a living will, everything was spelled out for us and she was already living with me. My brother was so relieved not to have to deal her that there was no opposition to her treatment.
We simply did what her doctors deemed best. I feel blessed that we had found such a compassionate doctor for her last five years here.
As others have said, know you did the best you could do, and don't blame yourself. I'm sure he knew you were doing what you could.
I take comfort in my belief that my mom is in heaven now, watching down on us all. I often say to my kids, who are all grown, "Grandma would have liked that."
I am doing everything I can to honor her memory, including living my life the way she taught me to. I think that's the highest honor we can pay our parents.
May you find comfort in the memories of the times you had together.
-------------------- Lymednva Posts: 2407 | From over the river and through the woods | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I am so sorry for your loss.
My thoughts and prayers for your family.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
| IP: Logged |
savebabe
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9847
merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
I am so sorry. It must be so tough. He must have been glad you were with him. Bless him and your whole family. He will watch you from above now.
posted
Thanks to everyone who replied. My Dad had a will but I think it got changed. I always had power of attorney until the last 9 or 10 months. The brothers took papers out and had the folks sign them about a year ago. They trusted their sons and were told they were signing them up for fuel assistance.They slipped in power of attornay and who knows what else. Shortly after that one brothers name was put on their bank account and the folks were suddenedly over drawn. My Mom had a garden and was caning when they put them in the nursing home. Dad was also very active. Anyway we buried Dad today. I miss him.
posted
dorothy, glad you made it thru today and his burial.
i'd wait a few days and then ask about the reading of the will! Is your mom cognitive enough to ask for the reading of the will and in your BROTHER'S PRESENCE?
mom's been gone 17 yrs. last sunday; dad comng up 6 yrs. in 17 days; my only sister in 24 days for 8 yrs., and SIL was 13 yrs. in march .... i miss them all daily!
IP: Logged |
posted
I am sorry for the loss of you father. I don't know what else to say to help so here is a hug..
-------------------- ~Ro~
Don't wait for someone to take you under their wing. Find a good wing and climb up underneath it~ Frank C. Bucaro Posts: 80 | From Desert Southwest | Registered: Nov 2006
| IP: Logged |
northstar
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7911
posted
My sympathy for the passing of your father, and for the circumstances in which it occurred. I feel sure your father and mother know what happened, and that they were proud of you in how you were there for them.
Your brothers? True test of character is when the "chips are down", or others are within a state of weakness and vulnerability. I feel sorry for them, because ultimately they will realize their blemishes and weaknesses and shame.
Northstar
Posts: 1331 | From hither and yonder | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged |
5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
sick
I am so very sorry to hear about your Dad
You must miss him alot now
Heart felt sympathys to you and
praying & hoping you can find some comfort
(((hugs))) Dana
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
The church ladies who served the lunch were beside themselves when people kept coming for lunch.
They ran out of food and they ran out of chairs for people to sit. I went back to the kitchen and told them not to worry that all Dad would care about was that everyone was together.
Some of my relatives came up to me afterwards and said either we had a really good minister or she loved my Dad also. I told them they had a special bond.
My Dad's lawyer saw the death notice in the Des Moines Sunday paper and called me and said we could call him if we had any questions or if we just needed to talk. He said since all of their money had disapeared out of their bank account and the farm is in a trust fund that the will would probably not be read until my Mom is gone. So we probably won't know for some time yet if the brothers changed the wills or not but I feel sure the did. I never dreamed it was so easy to do things like that.
There is even atleast $2000.00 less in Dad's burial account then what was suppose to be. All but $300.00 in the burial account is what my son put in there.
I want to thank each and everyone of you who responded. It is appreciated.
Betty--yes, my Mom is very aware of things and always has been.
Lymetoo--I am glad I made it back from my doctors appointment too. I'm not sure how much I got out of the appointment. I had my phone turned off when I was with the doctor and when I turned it on after seeing him the message was on my phone from the hospice nurse.
Several of my cousins had been told that I simply left on vacation with my Dad so bad. I left to go to the doctor because the director of nursing preswaded me to go. The minister even thought I had been on vacation.
posted
I am sorry for your loss. As a wise man once said: You aren't being punished, you just haven't been rewarded yet. Everything will work out for you. Keep the faith and I will be praying for you and your family.
Victoria
Posts: 82 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
One thing that Mom, Dad, my son and I did every year was to go pick buckeyes from the one tree which was in a fence row on Dad's farm. A few years ago the tree was bulldozed out by his neighbor when a fence was repaired.That was one of the few times I seen my Dad get tears.
At the family night I slipped one of the few remaining buckeyes in his overall pocket. I also put in a hand drawn picture that was drawn by his great-grandson ( my grandson who was named after Dad)into his pocket. It hung on his wall at the nursing home and Dad loved it.
My son and I have decided to plant a buckeye tree in his memory out at the lake in the town where we live. That way kids from every where will someday soon get to pick them and take one home.
The memeorial didn't go to this but the money I receive in cards I think I am going to put towards this. I am not going to tell my brothers as it wouldn't mean anything to them. I think this is ok to do this but it does seem a little dishonest to me.
Many of you didn't know this but after he retired Dad cut and sold wood until he was 89. Usually he cut 150 cords a year. One year he did get 160 cut.
I realized that the folks seemed to have a harder time making it when he was cutting wood. I just thought it was because he didn't charge enough. He was a farmer most of his life but did work at the feed store in town so he got social security. About 600.00 a month.
Well, one time I was asked for my business card when I was over 200 miles from home. The man read the name of the town and looked up at me and said,"There used to be an old wood cutter who lived there. He kept my aunt and uncle in wood all winter one time."
I didn't say anything but I thought he kept alot of people in wood and this man must not realize this.
Then he finished what he was saying----- Yes, he said he cut them their wood, split it for them, hauled it to them and stacked it in their basement and then he would come upstairs and talk to my unlce for twenty minutes.
He said that was the year my uncle was dying of cancer.He never charged them a dime for it.
The man looked up at me and said well you might have known him his name was Garrett. I said yes I know him, he's my Dad.
My Dad loved his wood customers and talked about them often. Once when he was talking about how many cords of wood he sold I said ,"Yes and you gave some away didn't you Dad." He never hesitated and answered oh maybe a little and then he continued on talking about the cords he had sold.
I'm in no way bragging on my Dad but so many of you have posted notes to me and I only want you to get a feel of the kind of man he was.
I am so honored to hear from all of you. Many of you didn't even know me but you sent me your kind thoughts. Never will you know how much this means to me. I wish I c reach out and give each and every one of you a hung. What a special group of people I have found.
God bless each and everyone of you and I know some day we will all be better.
posted
Oh thank you Lymetoo. I was so afraid someone would just think I was bragging on my Dad but I honestly just wanted to give everyone a feel for what kind of person he was.
posted
Very sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is. You have all of our support. Stay strong.
IP: Logged |
bettyg
Unregistered
posted
dorothy, i felt the hug here too; thanks!!
i loved the story about your dad's cutting wood and your holding your tongue to listen to the end of the story about this man named garrett; that was so special!
loved about the tree too! yes, money was sent to you; use it for your own memorial to your dad and that the town kids get to enjoy it too!
IP: Logged |
CaliforniaLyme
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 7136
posted
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) to you.
I am glad you got to be with him and be of comfort to him-
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
lymeinhell
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4622
posted
I am so sorry for your loss.
Just hang on to the good times, keep telling the good stories, and he will always be with you.
(Your wood story got me all choked up thinking about how special it is to have your Dad. He must've been one special man. )
Hugs
-------------------- Julie _ _ ___ _ _ lymeinhell
Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed. Posts: 2258 | From a better place than I was 11 yrs ago | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
I am so sorry to learn of your Dad's passing. He sounds like a very generous man and a very hard worker. You are lucky to have those memories of him. They will always be there. A tree memorial sounds like a wonderful idea! I hope you do it!
God bless
-------------------- **Eat Chocolate** Posts: 942 | From USA | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I know how you feel, lost my Dad 2 years ago. I'm glad you got to say good bye, not all of us have.
I firmly believe that many dying people hang on to life because they are concerned for the ones they leave behind. You gave your father a gift, you let him release himself.
They give us life, we help them relinquish it...we give it to our children...it is a cycle. Thank God for being a part of it.
-------------------- When you reach your "wits-end" remember this: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27 Posts: 397 | From Loudoun County Virginia | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic