posted
Hey Bethany, sorry to hear about your problems.
As a guy I have had terrible relationship issues and can totally relate to your situation although I have never married mostly because of this crap.
Anyway I hope you can work it out. It is very difficult being sick with this stuff and ending a relationship - has happened to me before. Don't lose hope no matter what! One thing I discovered about myself was that while ill with lyme related brain issues I had a tendency to be in bad relationships. One big reason was that I needed whatever support I could get and tended to stick through a bad situation when a normal person would have ended it long ago. In my case it had very ugly consequences.
You've been married a long time and I certainly feel a little misplaced saying this but I'm going to throw it out there anyway: you are sick with something. Because of that you are not easily able to see a big picture beyond right now. But there IS a bigger picture. You ARE going to get better eventually. Just as you go through this try not to focus too much on the negativity, although that is not easy to do I know.
Now anytime in the coming days and I know this sounds terribly trite but sometimes it helps to know there are people in your shoes or worse. In my case, despite my incredible good looks and sharp wit, etc., I haven't even had a date in 6 years! No kidding. and in the intervening time the government tried to program me like a robot and all sorts of things happened you would never believe! {:0}So whatever happens just think "no matter what, things COULD be worse". Try to focus on putting yourself in a safe situation - moving in with your family, people you KNOW you can depend on. And then once that is accomplished try to work on feeling better mentally and physically. Try to put the bad stuff out of your mind and realize there are brighter days ahead but it might take a bit to get there!
Posts: 523 | From Stillwater,OK,USA | Registered: Sep 2004
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Hi Bethany! I am soooo very sorry that this is happening. He defiitely took the cowardly way out. Something about what he said to you seems off to me (obviously I don't know either of you) but how can he say he isn't sure he loves you? That is just cruel. Is this out of the blue?
I definitely try to look at my situation from my husbands perspective. We have been together for 12 years and married for almost 7. We have 2 small kids.
He works sometimes 14 days in a row, and we are talking rain, snow, etc. Not easy work. He then comes home to me in my Pj's and the kids have destroyed the house.
He then has to deal with the kids and me and all of that. Not to mentiohe is the only income.
That is a lot of pressure and a lot to deal with. I try so hard to do things when I can. I try to cook, clean and get dressed when I can. I try to get my daughter's homework done etc.
If he wants to go out to a hockey game or whatever I dont nag and I dot make him feel guilty etc. He needs to be normal even if I am not. Is it easy hell no. Some of the time when I pretend to be normal, I just want to die.
As an example, myy hubby is leaving straight from work to go somewhere and will not be home till late. That means I have to bathe both kids, do homework, cook supper, take care of all the animals, put all the kids to bed by myself.
I have to do it.
So I guess why I am saying this is that it is hard o the other people in our lives. No matter how compassionate and supportive they are, I dont thik they know how bad it is for us.
Does my hubby know that as soon as I wake up I am thinking about the next time I can sleep? Does he know how I count the minutes for him to come home so I can have a break? Does he know I really would like to go do something but I am too sick?
Does he know how close I have come to taking my life? Does he know I still THINK about it? (I would not do it) I just dont think ANYONE could understand what HELL we deal with every day. For me it is the same crappy routine and experience everyday.
I think that he OWES it to you to sit down and talk face to face and try therapy at the least.
He shouldnt just blind side you like that. Especially when you arent there!
Good luck I really hope it works out the way it is supposed to...in sickness and in health?
Melissa
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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CaliforniaLyme
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 7136
posted
This may not be the end- the #1 psychological stressor, AHEAD of divorce, AHEAD of death of a LOVED one, is
MOVING.
I remember that vividly from my college Psyche 101 because it surprised me so much. So MOVING may be freaking him out.
When we move, we are forced to sum up ourselves, we look at the totality of our lives in material terms sometimes, in boxes. It's very scary on a psychological basis, not only to do that but to envision and begin again.
He may just be balking at the transition.
So I wouldn't assume this is IT.
It MAY be, and if so, you are not alone, Lyme and just LIFE kills many marriages.
If you really love him and want to fight for it, you can hang in there. I had a friend whose husband left her for a man (he is bi not gay, his sexuality was not a surprise just his actions), she against all odds decided to hang in there, she waited for him, kept saying "I love you," went to therapy, and he discovered that his boyfriend wasn't faithful and that the singles scene was not receptive to him in the way he had unrealistically envisioned. And so she got him back, and they are happy...
She waited a YEAR for him...
And no one would ever have believed they would work out after he left her the way he did.
So you CAN choose to hang in there if he is the love of your life.
My first husband never touched me again after I got sick, Lyme killed our relationship, and we were very happy & stable before, seriously.
It made me want to die, to lose that, but now I am glad, I have a new life, a happier life than I ever imagined. It all, somehow, worked out for the best, although at the time it seemed the worst.
I hope whatever is best for you happens, and that if you love him you hang in there and fight for you, and that if somehow there's a better life out there that you find it- Best wishes, Sarah
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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i to am so sorry for what you are going through...
my husband and i have been together since we were 15 and 16........together for about 22years.....more then half my life.....been sick for over 17years..... we have a great relationship and have worked hard over the years with communication...... therapy a couple of times....huge help.... a lot of hard work on both our parts.....
what your husband did was/is wrong....hurtful...mean.... when people make their vows they kind of skip over that.....in sickness and in health part......
you have no kids......having kids with this disease and a marriage is hard work..makes it even more complicated...and both people have to be commited 110%..... maybe its better that this happened now then years of problems ...that he wouldn't be willing to go through......maybe he's just going through a bad time.....as you are.... where does he go for support??? its hard to be supportive when your so sick......and its hard for our spouses to come to us......they don't want to burden us.........but they go else where for support which can make for a bad relationship.
i hope things work out the way they are supposed to for you..... your a tough person for dealing with this disease......stay strong..... when you need more support this site has been very helpful..... have a good day!
mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
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aklnwlf
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5960
posted
Hey Moorecash,
I'm sorry that this is happening to you while you're so ill.
I don't really know what advice to give you but can tell you what I'm going thru.
My husband is mentally ill and has been unsupportive from day one. He is the only one working and it's caused a huge financial burden in our household.
My family is also unsupportive. I asked to move back in with my mother but she's refused to help me and said I could take care of myself.
So, I'm stuck here but not by choice. I've tried to find an out and get in a more supportive situation which I believe would be more conducive to my health.
That's what I put first. My health and welfare. Since no avenues seem to be available I use this website as a source of support and rely heavily on faith and myself to lift myself out of the sense of despair.
Please hang in there. God knows it's tough. Someone that doesn't keep his wedding vows (in sickness and in health) isn't really worth holding on to.
I know for me, being sick has weeded out my true supporters and friends.
-------------------- Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.
Alaska Lone Wolf Posts: 6144 | From Columbus, GA | Registered: Jul 2004
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i couldn't agree more with you.... weeding out true supporters and friends..... they just don't get it ....or choose not to.....
sometimes...i've said to my husband....sometimes I feel like we are like the bumms on the sidewalk in Ny city.....if you just walk be really fast....and don't REALLY look at them......then you can go on with your day and forget......
it really is a lonely disease......that noone gets unless your in it..... the website has been great though..... lots of great, compassionate,reliable,supportive people. i am grateful for. mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
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aklnwlf
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5960
posted
Mtree, I'm grateful too!
-------------------- Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.
Alaska Lone Wolf Posts: 6144 | From Columbus, GA | Registered: Jul 2004
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear MooreCash,
I know you are feeling pretty desperate right now.
I would too.
You said he had a darkness to his voice on Sat, then the house was
Struck by lightning on Sunday.
I hate to say this, but it sounds like your husband planned this.
Agreeing to let you go visit......reminds me of what my Dad did to my Mom
Over 40 years ago. He sent her to visit her sister in Co.
He used that week to wrap up loose ends. Bank accounts, car, etc.
When she came back he told her that he no longer thought he loved her.
He left. I was 8 yrs old. My Mom was devestated.
She had been raised in Germany. Worked as a dental hygeinist (sp?) there.
The US doesn't even recognize her HS Diploma.
My Dad took it all. All the money, the car and almost had us thrown out of our house.
I have two sisters. One was 9 and the other was 5 at the time.
Even though at the time it was the worst possible thing that
Could have happened to us, it turns out that it was a huge blessing.
It wasn't until we were over the devestation and hurt that we could
See clearly that he was an overbearing, controlling, lying alcoholic.
I know in my heart had he stayed our lives would have been miserable.
You deserve to be loved whether in good health or ill.
Whether you can drive the car to the store or race cross country.
I say that as difficult as it may be....as I have two small children,
I would tell my husband to go. Leave the car, the checkbook and everything else.
I would rather be by myself than be with someone who isn't sure whether he loves me or not.
As a matter of fact, I would probably tell him not to let the door
Hit him in the behind on the way out.
You are worthy. Worthy of being loved for who you are no matter
What you can or can't do right now.
We know you will get better. I can't say the same for your husband.
Kind of nice to place it on you.
You need someone who is a better listener?
I know you had the world rocked under your feet.
Stop and know that you are wonderful.
Once you get over the shock and devestation, you will realize
What an idiot he is if he lets you go.
Sending you all the positive thoughts and prayers.
BTW, my sisters and I would have probably ended up pregnant or something
Else just to escape life in a house with my father.
My Mom raised all 3 of us by herself. It wasn't easy.
We struggled financially. We had free lunch. No coats in the winter.
Ate lots of peanut butter sandwiches and chicken noodle soup.
However, we made it.
I have a Master's in Education. My older sister has a BA in Paralegal
And is now a certified teacher. The youngest is a RN.
We all grew from that horrible day. It wasn't easy.
It was, however, for the best.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
Since you cant work,,,and he has a job there, tell him you arent coming back,,,you are staying with family.
Its up to him to get ALL your things to where 'you' are. let him KEEP the house if he wants.
That way all the work and responsibilty is his.
Let him fix the damage that occured on Sunday,,let him get it ready to sell if he wants, let him continue working cause he HAS to support you for a while at least!!
Is it possible he has found some other squeeze?? Sounds possible to ME!!
He MAY change his mind of all this, once the walls begin to talk!!
Is there any hope of putting things back together?? Counseling and or any other ideas, TRY them!!
Did he WANT to move so far from home?? Is he really doing the job he wants or just tolerating it(causing undue stress in HIS life??)
Its easy to say what others should do,its harder in person!!Cant see a reason to return back there for you,its JUST addition stress of traveling you dont NEED!!
Hang in there ,,,its one day at a time when hurting like this,,,and it is REAL hurt!!been there done that--just don--
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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Before I was finally Dx'd with Lyme, I had been sick 7 yrs or so with what they had said was FMS/CFS. I have been with my husband for 25+ yrs. He, too said that the strain of all of this changed how he felt about me! I couldn't believe it!
I told him that evidently the vows he took before God meant nothing to him. That if he chose to take "the easy way out" that a curse would follow him the rest of his life. That's kharma.
Oddly enuf, now that he has found out that he also has Lyme his attitude has changed, but I still worry. I'm not sure why this DD takes everything it can from you, and spits you out on the other side.
Only God can change someone's heart, so pray for that, and I will pray for you, too.
My Best, Bunny
-------------------- 4 strong winds that blow lonely, 7 seas that run high.
All those things that don't change Come what may. Posts: 103 | From Dallas/ Fort Worth. TX | Registered: Dec 2007
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Peacesoul
Unregistered
posted
quote:Originally posted by bunnyfluff: I told him that evidently the vows he took before God meant nothing to him. That if he chose to take "the easy way out" that a curse would follow him the rest of his life. That's kharma.
goodness, that is the most hateful thing I ever heard!!! You actually said that?
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Peacesoul
Unregistered
posted
Listen, it totally sucks how your husband decided to end things. My ex dumped me by email, though we were not together as long as you two were.
My take, your hubby is overwhelmed with everything. This is where you need to be emotionally supportive of him. As people with illness, we tend to focus ALL the attention on us and none on our partners.
Not all people are strong and made of stone. You and your illness has put a lot of demand on his life so he wants out. Is that his fault, nope. It's actually no one's fault. Remember, chronic illness affects you and everyone around you.
My boyfriend now is very understanding, but we don't live together nor does he support me finacially. If he did, I'm sure he may have a harder time dealing with this. It's enough that he needs to deal with my emotional pains, whining and bellyaching. He also has to deal with a girlfriend who can not go out and have fun much. He's skating today with his kids and would LOVE for me to be there, but I can't. This is all hard on him as well.
I say give it time and let your hubby be alone for a while. You use the time away from him to heal yourself. I totally sympathize b/c my ex of 11 yrs walked away from me for another woman. He ended up moving in with her right away and married her. I didn't know I had lyme then, but thought I had CFS and he could not deal, so he left.
Good riddance to him........I worked hard on me and found strengths I never thought I had. I'm so sorry for your pain. It will work out, I promise you that! Don't threatened him to stay or get revenge, then bad Karma kicks u in the butt. Give him your blessing to leave and let your healing begin
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
oh sweetie, i feel for you. my first husband sent me home from germany to visit my parents. i thought it was for a vacation!! anyway, next thing a guy is serving me papers.
he kept everything i had, cars, money, antiques, stuff we bought all over europe.
he got his secretary pregnant even tho she was married to someone else.
i learned real fast how to go after him and man, i stuck it to him.
now that i look back it was probably a blessing. he was a pennypinching, stingy, miser with no sense of humour.
be strong, surround yourself with family, follow don's advice, make him do everything....
you'll get through this adn one day look back adn say "what in the hell did i ever see in him?"
believe me, many of us have been there and worse.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Thank you all for listening and for the advice. I am completely heartbroken and devastated. While I was away my husband went to the beach and got wasted at some club. He left my 2 dogs at home with no one to let them out for a full day!! He hung up on my many times and then simply didn't answer for days.
I flew in last night at midnight. I had to take a cab. That was a waste of $62!! My husband was gone. I came home to find that my dogs went to the bathroom everywhere and no food/drink in the house. I was scared and grew concerned when I realized my husband only took a few items.........a 12 gage shot gun, amo, some clothes, and a picture of his friend that commited suicide months ago. I called the police because I was concerned. There was nothing that they could do. I didn't know where he was even.
I found out that he is staying at his sisters. He agreed to talk to me (finally) after work today only if we would talk about finances and nothing else. I'm telling you that man that was in my house today was NOT my husband. He was a cold hearted emotionless jerk!
He wouldn't sit and talk. He kept pacing. He told me over and over that he doesn't love me anymore and while I was gone it gave him time to think. He won't go to counceling. He considered it but said thats what everyone else wants him to do. He said that counceling wouldn't help. He's not even giving me a chance!! I did nothing but love and support him back. This isn't fair.
I really feel like this was almost planned out. I think the only reason he could drop me so fast would be that he found someone else. Either that or he is having a mental break down. He said that he wants to rejoin the military. He is 33 and was discharged after 3 years of service. That was long before we met.
The realtor is coming over tomorrow. I've been cleaning and arranging all on my own~! I can't do all this! He's not doing anything.
I took all of the $$ out of savings and turned off his cell phone. I'm not going to get screwed on this one!!! My family is coming down to help me pack. Thank God. I would have nothing if it wasn't for my family.
Oh, I forgot to mention that his sister works for a divorce attorney and has herself been divorced 3 times. I can't afford a divorce right now. I know he'll get representation for free. Whatever. I'm gonna fight hard to get well and prosper. If I was healthy........he'd still want to be my husband. I found out the hard way. My family is hurt and everyone is dumb founded by his actions.
You fellow lymies really keep me going!! Thanks for the prayers and support. You are the only way I'm gonna get thru this.
Love you all, Bethany Posts: 7 | From Florida | Registered: Dec 2007
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Bethany, glad you are picking up the pieces and going on WITHOUT THIS EXTRA, DANGEROUS BAGGAGE!
do you have him listed anywhere as BENEFICIARY of life insurance?
what about health insurance?
any retirement accounts?
closed up ALL CHECKING AND SAVINGS ACCOUTNS?
ANY SAVINGS BONDS?
just don't want you forgetting anything of value YOU can take with YOU! BEST WISHES during these really bad days.
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear Bethany,
I hope that your "meeting" with him goes alright.
If you can, bring someone with you.
He doesn't sound too stable right now.
He has a gun.
That is dangerous.
Any financial stuff can be worked out by phone or by e-mails, etc.
Do not put yourself into a dangerous situation with this man.
I wouldn't.
My prayers and support are with you.
Just hang in there.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
goodness, that is the most hateful thing I ever heard!!! You actually said that?
Peacesoul, Yep. If that's the most hateful thing you have "ever heard" you must have a blessed life.
-------------------- 4 strong winds that blow lonely, 7 seas that run high.
All those things that don't change Come what may. Posts: 103 | From Dallas/ Fort Worth. TX | Registered: Dec 2007
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shazdancer
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1436
posted
MC, so sorry to hear this happened to you. But as I read, I also was suspicious that he had met someone else. It's hard to say for sure.
I'm glad you are taking control of the finances and getting help with getting your things in order. A suggestion? Take pictures of everything. or get signed affidavits from those who saw what he did (or didn't do) to the place.
In a settlement, there should be an equitable division of property and money. If you had something before the marriage, chances are you can have it back after. If you got it during the marriage, and can't agree to how to divide it, the court will step in and decide, so the more you can agree ahead of time (and get it in writing) the better.
If you kept the home so that he could work or train for a job, then that is considered as part of contributing to the marriage. If you worked but he earned more, he may owe you spousal support (alimony).
If you were too sick to contribute, then he cannot just abandon you without support. Sue for spousal support. If you are feeling pretty good right now, sue for SS anyway, even just for a dollar a year. If you should get sick again, you can renegotiate the amount of support. If you have no judgment for support, you cannot renegotiate.
Take care, Shaz
Posts: 1558 | From the Berkshires | Registered: Jul 2001
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I'm not going to give you any pretended wisdom. But I used to be a deputy clerk of a domestic relations court-- the divorce and family circuit-- and these things aren't pretty, but your situation is especially scary and heartbreaking.
I just wanted to offer you my sympathy and support. Please take care of yourself. You are blessed to have family support, and the legal advice I have seen here is perfectly accurate from my experience (at least in my state).
Take the dogs, find a lawyer who will fight for you, let your family care for you for a little while, and feel free to seek comfort here.
Big hugs from all of us, Bethany.
Cat
Posts: 54 | From Virginia | Registered: Jan 2008
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Greatcod
Unregistered
posted
All the terrible sadness for so many Lymies that comes on top of the loss of our health. I was at my LLMD's office a couple of years ago, and a couple in their thirties--they both looked like movie stars, the All American marriage-- came out of his office, put on their jackets, and left. Five minutes later, she was back in the office sobbing "He's leaving me"..I was deeply touched by her suffering, and it made me understand the kinds of losses associated with a chronic illness, and the terrible damage "the other side" has done to so many.
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posted
My husband is a chiropractor and he claimed to understand and empathize so well with what I have been going through since we met.
I have tried so hard to be everything to him--even when I felt like staying in bed all day. It was definitely not easy to force myself to be "the perfect wife" but I did, and I did pretty well. My husband rarely knew how badly I was feeling.
Well, we divorced recently and there were several reasons, but he said something to me that I will never forget: "Well, you got sick, and I need sex, like all the time." He is a 46 year old man! I wondered if he had always been that shallow and superficial. My guess is yes, he had been.
It seems like a never-ending source of pain when you not only have an illness but you have people in your life who you have relied on and loved more than anything tell you that things aren't good enough anymore.
The only thing I can do is look for the positive side. I think nothing in our lives happens by accident, and maybe our illness is a way to get us free from certain people so we can move towards the ones we're supposed to be with.
-------------------- "Never underestimate the power of a few committed people to change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." --Margaret Mead Posts: 290 | From New York | Registered: May 2007
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I try also to think that things happen for a reason.....
finding this website has brought more comfort to me then in the last 17years of being sick....
noone knows what we go through....or can possibly imagine what we go through....
family and friends just can't cut it.....they give me no comfort....
so thank god for this site!!
mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
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It has been a lifesaver for me. I used to say that I was "all alone in the world of Lyme" until this site!
i think as far as our relationships go...I was thinking after I responded before that when you stress something (someone) you really see what it's made of...That can be said about us, AND our spouses. We can all either bend or break.
Some spouses are going to break, and I guess we have to stay positive that the Universe won't take anything or anyone out of our lives unless it intends to replace it with something better. I have heard that, and I have to believe it's true!
-------------------- "Never underestimate the power of a few committed people to change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." --Margaret Mead Posts: 290 | From New York | Registered: May 2007
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
my heart goes out to EACH ONE OF YOU going thru this crap with your spouses or recently gotten divorces!
I've been really blessed these last 33.5 years with a great spouse, caring, compassionate ... and does NOT always understand things but is WILLING to talk about it.
Our marriage could have been over 20-22 years ago otherwise when symptoms were really getting bad and I worked fulltime until 12-88; 9 years ago.
best wishes on each of your situations.
I asked CatCCC if she would be willing to put something together based on her past work experience dealing with this subject; yes, she agreed to!
So as time permits for her, she will do this! So we all have something to look forward to learning more about; I'll and Treepatrol will add to our newbie links!
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