Where am I going.....what was I doing.....where was I......
All I know is that.....everyday I am in pain...everyday .....it may either be physically...emotionally.....or.....mentally.....
I open my eyes.....and attempt to have a productive somewhat purposeful day. I have to be proud of the mundane things that I CAN do..... I have to not dwell on what I can't do.....can't have.....don't have.........
I'm confused with my life....and trying so desperately to hold on to one.....a life .....find a place where I belong......
I sometimes just want to disappear from this life......not die......just find somewhere that people are proud of me......understand and never forget the life I am living everyday......
and that the only choice I have in my day is to either exist.....or to live.......and when I try to choose to live......it's a battle....an unfair war zone that no matter what I do....how hard I try and fight...the reality is maybe I am just existing......
That to me is sad........I don't want a life of just existing......
I want to matter......
I don't want this life...........never did.....and I never will be able to make peace with myself or this life unless I find purpose......a way to matter......
I am trying to regain some strength again to get back into the real world....
....like a fighter that has to practice before his big fight......I need to prepare....toughen up.....put my gloves on.....
... and know that it will hurt.....there will be hits that I can't duck.....and some that I have to take....
But lately Im thinking why....why do I have to get back into that world.....that fight.....why do I have to be the one that has to compromise my feelings........my pain.....for someone else's ....
........take those hits and not hit back..... Maybe if I hit back just a little I won't be knocked down completely......
I'm tired of fighting everyday......for my health........I just don't want to be tired of fighting ... to live and to have a life.....
I am in pain..... I am afraid...... I am sad...... I am struggling.... I am fighting...... I am also... Hopeful..... Blessed..... Alive..... Content.....
But sometimes I just feel lost.........
Thanks for listening........ mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
mtree-I love this. You are a wonderful writer. I can so relate and I have only been fighting for 10 months. I too feel blessed that I have had a great life until now but I am still waiting for the hopeful part to kick in. I just cannot imagine living in physical,emotional,etc. pain forever.. Thank you for being able to so eloquently put into words what most of us feel! Laurie
Posts: 256 | From long island, new york | Registered: Feb 2008
| IP: Logged |
tdtid
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10276
posted
mtree,
I think the reason that your post brought a tear to my eye is because I know this could have been written by me at various stages of this illness.
I know it doesn't help the here and now, but it's still so true and I wasn't sure I believed it when others would coax me along, but it REALLY REALLY does get better.
I remember being so confused, I couldn't even find my way home from the grocery store and so much pain, I didn't know how to keep going.
You are doing the right thing in talking to those of us that really CAN relate to what you are going through. I wish I had a magic wand for ALL of us.
Just know that with treatment, it does get better and then you will look back on these days as just a bad nightmare. Look at it as 'one day at a time'.
Good luck to you and try to keep that chin up and know we all care and understand.
Cathy
-------------------- "To Dream The Impossible Dream" Man of La Mancha Posts: 2638 | From New Hampshire | Registered: Oct 2006
| IP: Logged |
Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Your not lost. We know exactly where you are.
I understand completely where you are coming from.
It does get better. With treatment I've gotten quality as well as quanitity.
I am still fighting too.
You do belong somewhere where there are people who are very proud of you. Here.
Some days it is all you can do just to make it through. Yet you have and still do.
It is okay to fight back. Just don't waste valuable energy fighting something you can't change.
Instead try to wrap that energy around you and use it to heal.
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
| IP: Logged |
feelfit
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12770
posted
Mtree
How very eloquent. how very true. how very sad.
Feelfit
Posts: 3975 | From usa | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
they really have made my day sooooo much better...... Im glad I have this site and all of you.....
I am unbelievably grateful.....and blessed with all of you....
mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Now I know exactly where you are....
You can always pm me if I can be of any help or if you just need to vent.
Hang in there. Better days are coming.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
| IP: Logged |
there are many ways to measure productivity...purposefulness...
there are many of us who feel this way some days, even without lyme....
the fact that you are sharing this helps so many...that is productive....that has purpose...
you have many friends here to help you through days like this....
hang in there...take one day at a time
I believe I saw a quote somewhere, "worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today" Posts: 39 | From NJ | Registered: Feb 2008
| IP: Logged |
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
bettyg
Unregistered
posted
mtree,
geneal beat me to this, but i too was going to say I found you; have you found me? hehe
Also we are very PROUD of your writing abilities describing how each of has/are experiencing in this lyme journey will filled with ENDLESS POTHOLES and detours.
We won't desert you, and your last few lines show this:
YOU are a SURVIVOR, BELIEVER, NEVER GIVING UP HOPE, ETC.
welcome to our lyme world, and NO DUES or tips allowed!
IP: Logged |
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
mtree
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[kiss]](graemlins/kissing.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[lol]](graemlins/lol.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic