Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I had a conversation with my Dad a couple of days ago.
Normal stuff. How are you feeling? (Bad day to ask).
How is the house coming along?
Then.....He felt that he had to share with me that he thought I
Was keeping his grandchildren from him.
He went on to say how I never visit.
I don't make the effort for my children to have a relationship with him.
He added that he thought I was avoiding the rest of the family including him.
I took a deep breath and then told him the following.
Dad I am sick. I may look okay, but I am not doing well.
I told him that there was no way I could or would make a 9 hour trip to his house.
I also told him that yes I was avoiding him and my sisters.
When I can't talk because I can't find the words, can't walk because I am weaving,
Can't remember phone numbers (a forte' before Lyme),
I don't call anybody. It takes too much of my energy to do so.
He said that he and my two sisters were "concerned" about me.
I told him if he were so concerned that maybe he would take a minute look up Lyme disease.
Maybe my sisters should too.
He said he had but it was just too confusing.
Ya' think? I have it and am still confused by it.
I added in that every time they ask how I am doing and I honestly reply,
My various issues are dismissed with a "Oh I get that sometimes too".
He told me that they are tired of hearing how ill I am.
I told him not to call and ask if he didn't want to know.
I also added in that my two children are also being treated and
How difficult this was for me.
My Dad knows am a Speech Pathologist who uses words to make a living.
Try to imagine the frustration.
I said that I am not keeping his grandchildren from him, but for now
I am unable to physically, mentally or emotionally able to bring them to him.
I offered that he could come here at any time.
He said he is scared to as we all have Lyme.
(Never mind that I pulled 3 ticks off my sister's behind on his property).
Oh well. Point is this.
I have no guilt for being sick.
I will not be made to feel guilty for being ill.
I have no energy for these conversations as my energy is needed to heal.
And heal my children.
Sheesh!
Sorry this is so long. Just want you to know that this was a cathartic experience.
Later that same day I felt better.
Better than I had in two weeks.
There is power in drawing lines. Even with people you love.
I, for one, feel better for it.
Hugs and kisses to all of you dealing with family issues.
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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feelfit
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12770
posted
Geneal,
I have had simular conversations this week with Mother and Father and S.O.
I explain things to them and then they say " well, we just don't understand". I point out that information to make them understand is only a click away....so far no one has acted on that.
I went to get my haircut two days ago and 7 miles down the road I had a "spell" and asked my SO to take me back home. I apologized all the way back.
I also found myself calling my Mother back the other day and apologizing for having cried when she called me that morning...she caught me at a bad time.
Anyways, Good for you! For standing up for yourself! I really felt like i WAS BETRAYING MYSELF after apologizing for my illness.
Not a good feeling! Thank goodness for the support here, if not for it, I'd be in a white room by now.
Feelfit
Posts: 3975 | From usa | Registered: Aug 2007
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I too am learning to let go of guilt and build boundaries w ith loved ones.
with the help of my therapist I have been able to confront and set new boundaries with my mom and boss.
my mom used to sleep here 3 nights a week to help with babysitting. In october her behavior was so toxic to me that I couldn't take it and asked her to the leave my house.
Can I tell you soon, after that I no longer needed my walker and wheelchair? coincidence, I think not!
I;m glad to hear you are taking care of your emotional self and setting boundaries. its not always easy but can be lifesaving!
Posts: 368 | From freehold, nj | Registered: May 2007
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bejoy
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11129
posted
How therapeutic to speak the truth without having to take responsibility for the other person's feelings or discomfort.
Lyme purges us of caretaking habits and toxic people, I think.
We can't afford to do anything other than take care of ourselves and out children, and keep healthy boundaries.
Good for you for saying it like it is. Here is Dad's opportunity to grow, if he chooses it.
Good for you, Geneal!
-------------------- bejoy!
"Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson Posts: 1918 | From Alive and Well! | Registered: Feb 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I knew you all would understand.
I am a different person since Lyme.
Better I think and hope.
Really appreciative of good days and good things.
That is why any negativity stirs something in me that makes me want to
Just turn it off. Right there.
He did back off of his accusations.
Even if they did understand....they certainly need to work on their delivery.
I gently suggested to him that instead of asking me how I felt
Maybe he should ask me if I've had some good moments or days lately.
Definitely is an upper for me to realize that yes! I've had some good moments,
Half of a day, or all day long.
Thank you all for helping me to grow emotionally and spiritually.
I do forgive him and my sisters. I just don't have the energy to keep doing
The same old dance. Been there...done that.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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I gently suggested to him that instead of asking me how I felt,
Maybe he should ask me if I've had some good moments or days lately.
I think that is a very good suggestion for everyone concerned. I hope he will remember it and pass the idea along to your sisters!
Hang in there, Geneal! You're doing great!!! I hope Dad will give it a lot of thought!!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
geneal, OUTSTANDING for standing up to your dad and telling it like it is!
NOT letting him put guilt trips on you, and for your to REJECT them putting the ball back into his court.
Your keeping grandkids from him; he can get his butt into his car and drive 9 hrs. to see you, and to HELP YOU OUT ANY WAY HE CAN! but no, he'd rather talk to your sisters about it, and just complain.
too scared to come there to your home; he could get your illness .... touch luck!
they're tired of hearing how sick you are; you're tired and fed up with their self-serving, NON-COMPASSIONATE behavior.
Geneal, thanks for standing up for yourself; you lifted the burden off your shoulders.
WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!! You add so much love, compassion, understanding, and great guidance to every post/reply you give! We do NOT want to give you up.... yep, i'm stubborn; got myself a new friend!!
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Thanks Betty.
You will never lose me.
I only hope to be as well as others one day.
Still plan on staying in this family.
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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Tincup
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5829
posted
Good for you.
I learned to NOT pick up the phone when the family called. They can leave a message.
Once I was fit and able... THEN I would call them back. Otherwise... they can catch you in a bad moment... and purposely or not.. roll all over you.
You are doing the very best you can...and .......your other Father knows that......
Im so glad you stood up for yourself....and you just told the truth.........
My mom asked me why I don't call her much.....I said to her that she was the lucky one and the only one..... Last we visited I had to tell her the truth.........whether it hurt her or not.....
I have learned to tell people that.... ..... if you don't want to no the answer then don't ask the question........
the "joke" amongst our family and friends is that we never pick up the phone when they call and that they always have to leave a message........ well duh......we don't want to talk to you.....
hope your having a better day....
mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
I also just let the phone ring when I don't have the energy to deal with someone else's problems. I use my energy for the things that are important.
Geneal, when you were once the type person that reached out to others to help them and now you and your children are fighting illness....others just have to be put on the back burner or they do the work?
Others either get it or don't. Your father is worried about relationship with grandchildren. Ask him to drive to you and do something fun with the children for short periods.
Something fun can just be games played outside or a special trip to the ice cream parlor. Sharing his time with them. That's his responsiblity, not yours.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6495 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
I also let the phone ring and go to vmail.
I find myself not talking about my illness to "non Lyme people". They dont get it anyway.
I am kinda sick of talking about Lyme anyway.
Melissa
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Glad that one went well. Sounds like he caught you at a moment when you were able to respond well.
But, It is a rare moment with lyme.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
You all are so right.
I am glad I was able to relate through halting speech
Exactly what I felt and needed.
I offered for him to come here anytime he wanted.
He said he couldn't risk catching Lyme here.
I think it is too late.
He lives in tick and deer infested woods in north Georgia.
I guess people only hear what they want to hear.
I thought about it more yesterday and wished I had added
That I didn't ask for this nasty disease and co-infections.
Sometimes the "family" tries to make you feel like it is somehow your fault
That you are ill.
That really is very sad and very destructive to relationships.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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lymednva
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9098
posted
Geneal, kudos to you for standing up for yourself in a difficult situation.
I was lucky with my mom in that she and i moved in together three weeks before my health totally collapsed on me, forcing me to stop work, etc.
there were some difficult moments in the beginning, but after watching what was going on with me close up on a daily basis she really came to understand as best she could.
at age 90 she searched for info she could read. i shared articles and even printed out a few things from the Internet.
my own kids are probably having the most difficult time understanding my limitations.
my son who lives with me understands them pretty well. however he doesn't follow through by helping me the way i need him to do. he does things in spurts.
right now, with a broken shoulder and arm in a sling i am obviously incapacitated. that's hard to miss. it's the rest of the time that it's easier to pretend mom is fine.
the two who don't live with me just don't get it. i think my oldest and his wife want to understand.
they've been busy with their own lives and don't see me often enough to really see how my life is impacted on a daily basis by Lyme.
however my daughter is still too wrapped up in herself and what she's doing to stop and consider that i may not be able to drop things whenever she calls and fit her into my schedule.
i have chosen to surround myself with caring people who either get it, or are compassionate enough to understand that my life is severely impacted by Lyme.
i try to keep a positive attitude and focus on what i can do (just as you do).
notes in get well cards i have been receiving by the boatload tell me that my attitude does shine through and that my faith, despite the obstacles that have been dropped in my path still shines through.
Geneal, you are that kind of person. it radiates from your posts.
focus on the positives and, as tough, as it is to hear what your dad has told you, keep your eye on the positives.
one day thus will be behind you and you will be able to visit your family again. if they can't come to you until that time, it's their loss.
-------------------- Lymednva Posts: 2407 | From over the river and through the woods | Registered: Apr 2006
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
Geneal,
Well,,,this dad's shoulder is ALWAYS available for a good cry, a vent, or anything ELSE you may want to part with!!
Me thinks you truely are an inspiration of a HIGHER,,,MUCH HIGHER nature!! A gift to ALL of us from above,,,heaven sent!!
You know when you are having a GREAT day,,,call him back and tell him what you forgot the FIRST time,,now what was that?? See I cant remmber from noon to dinner either!!
You did great,,,had a wonderful impact on HIM and did much more good than you THOUGHT you did,,,even IF he forgets it by next call time!!
So KEEP on inspring us, we are willing, able, and waiting to be SO inspired!!believes--just don--
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear Dad Don,
You have such a wonderful, giving heart.
Thank you from the bottom of mine.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
Geneal~ Thank you so much for sharing this here. I am crying as I type this as I could have written your story.
I asked my parents if they would read just one book about it. Nope. And my mother is a nurse!!!
I am isolated from my sisters. They think all the attention is on me because I am ill. Wow. I could think of much better ways to get attention.
Funny thing is, I don't even get the attention they are talking about. They are sick of hearing about my illness. I am sick of living it. But I go on and fight each day.
No support at all. When I come here, I feel like I am home and I don't really know any of you except for all the years I lurked. I was too afraid even to join in because of rejection being imbedded in me so deep.
My sister years ago wouldn't even let her then 4 year old use my toilet because she was afraid he would catch something.
This disease takes away those people that we thought were okay. But I think in the end, we are better off without them.
-------------------- ...~*Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming*~... Posts: 120 | From New Jersey | Registered: May 2006
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bejoy
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11129
posted
Breezy, thanks for joining in the conversation. You get to belong here, such as we are. Sending you love!
Love and hugs to you too, Geneal!
-------------------- bejoy!
"Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson Posts: 1918 | From Alive and Well! | Registered: Feb 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear Breezy,
You will never face rejection here. Please come often.
Today I was thinking of a "theme" song.
I decided that Elton John's "I'm still standing" is rather appropriate.
We are all here. Still standing....sometimes barely, but trying all the same.
Here's a big hug to all of us who perservere through the ups and downs,
Good times and bad. We certainly deserve it.
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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Just wanted to say a hello from one jersey girl to another......
Come on here as much as you want....I find there is always some one who will respond in support or comfort......
you can also PM me........
hope you........and Geneal are having better days.....
mtree
-------------------- worrying about tomorrow takes its strength away from today Posts: 970 | From Point PLeasant , NJ | Registered: Jan 2008
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
-
Geneal,
at least you are having some sort of conversation about this.
My Dad died not really knowing what the hell happened to me. I think he just couldn't deal with it and so never asked or encouraged me to share more than minor details before changing the subject.
I wonder if your Dad would go to his local lyme support group meeting - or call some of the parents of adult children with lyme and talk with them.
My Dad would never have done that, but at least yours is talking. As much as it hurts, his sharing his feelings with you is a very good thing. You know he cares. Now, then, for figuring out a way to maintain or repair a loving relationship as physical bodies change.
I will always regret that my father never took the time to even read a book I sent him about this. He did look lyme up in a medical book but it basically said "no big deal" - the IDSA version.
I rarely got to see him but when I did the hyperacusis and seizures really ruined it all. No one would really ask and I assumed they just thought I was off-the-charts weird due to all the limitations they thought were simply self-imposed. Oh, well. Time ran out and I never got better enough to really be a family member again.
I really hope your Dad can talk to other parents. I think that would help the most.
I hope that you and your father can figure out some ways to come together - even through home videos or sharing day dreams. But there is nothing like in-person time.
AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
posted
I am glad you are not holding onto guilt
It is a very hard thing to do - especailly when it is put in your face everyday by life. Only people who have faced such sickness/circumstances can really ever comprehend how hard it can be.
Hopefully your dad will come around around and be more supportive/understanding.
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you're tired and fed up with their self-serving, NON-COMPASSIONATE behavior.
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