posted
My fiance, who was completely supportive through years of my physical symptoms, discovered that I had begun to suffer from some cognitive symptoms (prior to my diagnosis)and promptly left me, moved out, and stopped speaking to me.
Following my definitive diagnosis by an LLMD, we are now speaking again (he thought I was crazy and making it all up), and he seems willing to entertain the idea of being friends.
I understand that he felt hurt, used and confused.
Still, the pain of losing someone who promised "in sickness and in health", but then drew the line somewhere before that, is just as crippling as the lyme itself.
It is just so shocking to feel like I never knew him at all.
I have lost so much of my support system, and I am reaching out to anyone here who can offer some camaraderie.
posted
Hang in there. I know it is hard to lose someone you love and not have support when you thought they loved you the same. That has got to be really hard!
My husband hasn't left me (yet, anyway), but he is not showing any emotion about my diagnosis. It has left me feeling really alone. That's what I feel now, too...really alone.
Some of my friends try to be there for me, but they really don't understand this disease. I just want to forget that I even know I have this disease at all! I think in some ways knowing has been more crippling!
Posts: 33 | From Utah | Registered: Mar 2008
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
welcome blue to board; you've found the right place; GREAT SUPPORT HERE!
there are many on board whose spouses left them; some currently going thru divorces....
at least you were NOT married, and have to go thru that messy affair... best wishes!
better that he hit the road now before you really bottom out treating your lyme/co-infections!
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Wow! What a blow.
Maybe, just maybe if you print out some Lyme info he can educate himself.
I don't know about the "just friends" deal.
A friend accepts you no matter what.
Maybe better to just move on.
It may not seem like there is a tomorrow, but there is.
It is very unfortunate that significant illness can make others true colors
Come shining through. Take your energy and use it to get well.
My husband, who also has Lyme, has never really researched Lyme.
However, he doesn't freak out when I struggle with neuro issues.
He just accepts me on that day, good or bad and we go forward.
Of course other than some short term memory issues and mild word finding difficulties,
His neuro symptoms have been minimal compared to mine.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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What I have learned in 16 years of illness is that people freak out, abandon, leave, run from the weak in the herd, and do all sorts of bizarre behaviors as they try to cope with their feelings of helplessness.
Those people who freak out are also, in the end, exhausting. The explaining and justifying and being on trial never ends. They get in the way, in subtle or not so subtle ways, of healing, and often the only "till death do us part" commitment you can make it to yourself.
Pull the people who "get it" close, and nurture those relationships, however small or insignificant they seem to be. Focus on your healing, and you'll get through this.
Posts: 929 | From Massachusetts | Registered: Oct 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
My husband is totally non supportive and after all I have been through, please believe me when I say, "better off without him". Move on. and forget the friends deal.
When the going gets tough, he will leave again, rest assured.
Please don't put yourself through what I go through.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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I realized that I wasn't in love with my husband--though he was fairly supportive about Lyme, but we had other issues.
When I became even sicker with Lyme it suddenly seemed very important to me to NOT be in a marriage with a man I wasn't in love with.
The one thing he did do that drove me crazy, was he expected sex EVERY DAY, even though I had zero energy, he knew how sick I was, and even though we had been in a relationship for 7 years. I never realized how shallow he was and how sex was the most important thing to him until I got sick! And I was STILL having sex with him about 3 times a week!
Sorry if this is too much information--I figured this board can handle it!
I wondered if I was doing the right thing by leaving my husband. He was a kind man in many ways. He had money and I was secure, and now I have had to move back home with family and I can barely pay my bills. I'm definitely poorer.
BUT--I'm so much happier in other ways! With Lyme it's impossible to give energy to people who don't understand or who are too demanding. I do wonder if I would be married and happy if I didn't have Lyme, but the reality is, I do have it.
I try to believe things are happening as they are supposed to. I'm with Just Don and his post. I don't have the energy for work, and the wrong relationship is A LOT of work!!
-------------------- "Never underestimate the power of a few committed people to change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." --Margaret Mead Posts: 290 | From New York | Registered: May 2007
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Peacesoul
Unregistered
posted
Gena, very inspirational post :-)
Blue, in all fairness to your boyfriend, he didn't know you had lyme and had every right to leave because he was not happy. Now that he knows you're sick, he wants to be friends. I think he's trying. Maybe he feels like a fool for jumping the gun.
And let me tell you, married OR NOT, a break up hurts as bad. I was with someone 11 yrs, but never married and it still hurt. A pc of paper does not make a break up easier?!
Good luck and give him a chance. Lyme hurts not only the infected but the people around them
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LisaS
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10581
posted
You will find someone in time that truly loves you and accepts you as you are. I truly believe this.
I didnt even think about trying to find someone new. ANd then after years of being alone, along came this man who didnt care. Didnt care about me being sick or having lyme. He is sick with other things. It makes him more understanding. We are getting married in July.
So dont give up. Sounds like lyme was just too much for this guy to handle. You need someone more compassionate. More accepting. Hang in there!
posted
Wow, that wheelchair comment is pretty harsh! Even worse than my ex husband's comment after we were divorced, when explaining what didn't work for him. Basically, I was never unreasonable, and never treated him badly. It was just:
"You got sick. And I needed to have sex more often."
-------------------- "Never underestimate the power of a few committed people to change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." --Margaret Mead Posts: 290 | From New York | Registered: May 2007
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pamoisondelune
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11846
posted
My husband wanted to divorce me, but he realized that he's too old to start over, so he remains heroic, saintly, and supportive. If he were younger he probably would have divorced.
Posts: 1226 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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IMhisda - An herbalist told my husband 25 yrs ago that he would not grow spiritually because his body is too strong. Now I understand. What sort of brokenness do you mean?
Aliyah
Posts: 830 | From Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I think (just my opinion)you are definatley better off to find out how little support he would be before you married him. I am seperated from my husband now and dont see a reconciliation in the future. when he was ill with cancer, I was there for him. I dont think he takes my Lyme seriously and if he does, he dosent know how to show it, or help me. I would rather be by myself and feel alone in this than be with him and feel alone, somehow it's worse when you have someone there that says they love you but cant show it.
Posts: 16 | From Kentucky, USA | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
OK. My husband of 11 years moved out today. We were happy for a lot of years and then I started to limp. He said at the time after the MS dx, "I guess we have an adventure ahead of us."
And his is each of our 3rd marriages. Now he said he wants his freedom. He got his first 2 wives to walk away. I can't walk and I wouldn't, so he did.
How do you get through this and with LD? How have you found the strength? Have you found happiness again? Peacefulness at least? Thanks. Aliyah
Posts: 830 | From Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
I think the hardest thing is knowing that somebody would leave if you get truly ill. So far I'm still walking.
Hey, I've been told "why don't you get a terminal illness and then you'll have something to ***** about".
Can't get any crueler than that I guess....
but since I've lost my mom and my sisters (and to me they are gone, period), he's been much better.
Guess he figures I'm all alone with no place to go. and he's right......
plus, it's easier with two good incomes than one...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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