posted
I know this illness is our problem but my daughter left to go away to college today even though she had the chance to attend a university ten minutes from home. I begged her to reconsider since I need her to accompany me many times to doctor appointments etc. but she told me she has to live her own life.
I am not trying to interfere with her life but isn't family supposed to help you when you need help? She had a pretty good life at home and a lot of freedom so needless to say I am upset and refused to help her pack.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation and how did you handle it because I am not doing very well. Thanks!
Posts: 425 | From NY, United States | Registered: Mar 2005
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
amk,
i'm sorry for everything you are going thru. NOT been thru this so can not comment on anything.
others will come along during this HOLIDAY weekend...
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I THINK IT IS A GOOD THING YOUR DAUGHTER IS OFF TO COLLEGE. WOW. GOOD FOR HER.
BUT, I ALSO KNOW HOW SAD IT IS WHEN FAMILY DOES NOT HELP.
SEE WHAT RESOURCES YOU HAVE IN THE AREA TO DRIVE YOU TO THE DOCTOR AND OTHER NEEDS.
YOU CAN DO IT.
THERE ARE MANY OF US THAT ARE ON OUR OWN SO TO SPEAK WITH THIS CONDITION.
THAT HAS ITS POSITIVES AND ITS NEGATIVES.
I KNOW IT IS SCARY.
I ONLY WISH MY DAUGHTERS HAD CHOSEN TO GET A COLLEGE EDUCATION. THEY ARE DOING OK, BUT I STILL WISH THEY WOULD GO TO COLLEGE.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
I am sorry you are feeling so pained! Sure hope you can find a support system to help you adjust to the changes. Please do all you can to get some assistance!
I moved one daughter onto her not-so-far campus today & will be taking # 2 Tuesday to her freshman year 5 hours away from home!
I am a teacher & will be missing my first day of school w/ students! Have to turn around & drive right back. Will be all I can do not to be "Mrs. Crabtree" when I return. (Do you remember the Little Rascals? )
Difficult as it may be, I do believe that my primary responsiblity was to teach them well & let them soar. This is tough even when in good health.
I have often had to remind myself these last 2 years that part of the drive for independence involves some discord. It is just a rite of passage-uncomfortable. but inevitable.
I am sure your daughter is also suffering. Don't let anything undo the relationship you have had! There must be some help available in your community. Hope you find someone to fill in soon.
All the best- Sue
Posts: 249 | From finger lakes, ny | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Try and turn this rock over and see the bright side. I live alone and have not been well enough to use a computer since 2006 so sending you this message is really a plus for me.
With your daughter being gone now you will be able to focus on what and how you can acomplish things by yourself and even the smallest tasks can be a hugh reward.
I hope you will find your daughter being gone to be the same benefit as I do in having to walk my dog on the days when I have trouble getting to the bathroom.
I cant drink stimulants like coffee so when I think I cant take her for a walk and will have to give her up I stand in front of the mirror and make goofy faces and start laughing at the crazy face in front of me and keep saying "adrenals kick in, kick in, kick in" and then I take her for a walk.
She has turned into being one of my best medication instead of my biggest burden. I hope your daughters education can be as powerful for you.
Posts: 55 | From ct | Registered: Sep 2005
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sixgoofykids
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11141
posted
There is a time in life for everything. Right now it's her time to get her education so she can take care of herself in the future. You should be happy for her that she is going to be able to have a normal college experience.
You asked the question, shouldn't family be there to help you? Yes, where are the adults who can be of real help?
I have a daughter in college and it would have been a help to have her at home but it never would have crossed my mind to have asked that of her. She helps with everything when she's home. She enjoys school with no guilt from me when she's gone.
Don't burn bridges and create ill feelings with your daughter. She's not abandoning you, she's leaving the nest. She's supposed to. She's not supposed to be your sole caregiver.
If you've raised her to be the compassionate person you expect her to be, she will help when she can. It sounds like she's been carrying more than her share of the burden.
She's not abandoning you. This time is tough for her, too, and if you're only thinking of yourself, you may ruin your relationship with her beyond repair. Be her mother not her daughter.
This disease is hard. This disease is not fair. I'm sorry it's been tough for you. I've debated about whether to be hard on you or not, but decided in the end, it might help you, so I hope you take it that way.
-------------------- sixgoofykids.blogspot.com Posts: 13449 | From Ohio | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
Thanks for your responses but I would like to clarify something. My daughter is not my sole caregiver and I am not trying to prevent her from living her own life but she is my only child and I don't really have anyone else but my husband who puts in 12 hour days.
I don't think I am acting like her daughter but I think that in teaching independence we should not forget the people who helped us get to a certain point in life and that is what I am afraid will happen.
Six goofy kids- if you have any other children and it sounds like you do perhaps you do not feel the pain as much as I do.
Anyway thank you all for your understanding.
Posts: 425 | From NY, United States | Registered: Mar 2005
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Ann-OH
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2020
posted
You said: "I don't think I am acting like her daughter but I think that in teaching independence we should not forget the people who helped us get to a certain point in life and that is what I am afraid will happen."
I agree that you are putting some guilt into the picture that doesn't belong there. I think your daughter should be able to have a chance to live her own life. She isn't abandoning you. Your idea of what she "owes" you isn't really fair to her.
Raising our children isn't about raising someone who will be there for one to depend on. Don't you think she should have her own life and her own chances at happiness? She will never be able to "forget" you, but she needs to be happy to be with you, not obligated.
Your husband is still in the picture, and it seems to me that he or a friend could drive you where you need to go. Maybe you could reach out to your church, or offer to do something for another person in trade for the drive to the doctor.
Just my impression based on what you wrote. I didn't mean to offend you, but some serious thought about what you are really expecting from your daughter is in order.
lymednva
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9098
posted
I have three children and they all went away to schools between 4 and 5 hours from home. They all left before I became disabled with Lyme, although I knew something wasn't right.
The only time I cried was when my oldest left for grad school in IL. Now, at 32, having just become a father, he is finally becoming more supportive of me. However I can't get him to sit still long enough to watch Under Our Skin with me.
My second son, who has been a great support to me since my separation and divorce, had the need to be on his own.
He has recently moved out for what we all hope is the final time. I am alone again, but two of my kids are living nearby. I make every effort to find ways to be independent, allowing them to live their own lives.
Their first priorities are to care for themselves and focus on work and school to help them grow personally and be prepared for more successful futures.
Having a strong support network is vital. When I fell and broke my shoulder in April I was unable to drive for 2 months. Luckily my son was available to transport me to most appointments and other things I go out for.
However the people in my church and community were very supportive, providing a few meals and driving me to appointments when I needed it.
My daughter still, at 26 has her ups and downs with me. She is slowly becoming more supportive, and calls me every day on her way home from work or school.
Your daughter is right. She does need to be away from home now, no matter how much you miss her.
I have a friend who went to college in her hometown because it was the only way she could afford to do it. She is five years older than I.
When I was a senior in high school she advised me that if there was any way possible for me to go away to school to do it.
It was a good decision. Being away I was able to become involved in campus life in ways that commuting students are not. I had scholarships and work study to help my mom afford to pay half the bills, while I assumed the other half.
One way you can feel less lonely is to join us on Lyme Chat , which is every evening beginning at 8 Eastern time and going late into the night most times. http://client11.addonchat.com/sc.php?id=306727
Just last night we were discussing how much we cherish the opportunity to be with others who understand the issues we are dealing with. We even talked about the sense of community we feel with each other.
Try it a few times. I do my best not to miss a night. It is a connection with others, especially needed on days when I have been unable to leave the house.
-------------------- Lymednva Posts: 2407 | From over the river and through the woods | Registered: Apr 2006
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heiwalove
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6467
posted
i can't imagine how hard this is for you, but she's your daughter, and i agree with her, she needs to live her own life.
i'm sending you love and strength to get through this. let her go, let her fly.
posted
It's hard to let go sometimes of the ones we love the most.
My heart goes out to you.
Your daughter is still your daughter no matter where she is. Give her your blessing and love on her.
Be a suppoprt for her, even if it is only by phone. Loneliness can be very difficult.
I will pray for you.
-------------------- Gail Posts: 234 | From Sterling, Ma | Registered: Jan 2008
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joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12752
posted
amk,
Please keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. She needs you as much as you need her and she always will.
What she is doing isn't easy for her either. She is in a strange town at a strange school with strange people with many demands on her. I hope she hasn't lost the support of her dear mother.
My daughter left for college this time last year. I knew it wouldn't be easy for me because she did so much to help me.
I was surprised to find out that I was capable of doing so much more than I thought I could.
I had to really push myself in the beginning but I think I actually got stronger by forcing myself to do the things I previously thought I couldn't do.
I understand the loss you are feeling. My mom passed away in 10-06, my only brother died of a massive heart attack eight months later in 6-07, and my daughter went away to school in 8-07. I was devastated!!
After being home all summer my daughter moved back to school last week to begin her second year. I am so very proud of her. She is a good girl and is doing exactly what she should be doing at this stage of her life.
I know I will be fine and I know you will too. Neither of us want to hold our children back or be a burden to them.
My daughter told me that the first year away at school is very lonely and she was very depressed and the counselors told her this was very normal. Please be there for your daughter.
I hope this helps! You are not alone!!
JoAnne
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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sixgoofykids
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11141
posted
quote:Originally posted by amkdiaries: I think that in teaching independence we should not forget the people who helped us get to a certain point in life and that is what I am afraid will happen.
Six goofy kids- if you have any other children and it sounds like you do perhaps you do not feel the pain as much as I do.
Anyway thank you all for your understanding.
Being saddened by her leaving to go to college is normal. It's hard to see them grow up and move out on their own.
But, giving her guilt that she's not staying behind to help take care of you will put wedges in your relationship that I don't think you want to be there.
In your first post, you sounded like you felt that you need her there to help you .... in your second post you sound like you just want her there. It's hard to see them grow up and leave the nest, no matter if you have one or six.
-------------------- sixgoofykids.blogspot.com Posts: 13449 | From Ohio | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
I thought that posting this would make me feel better but it has made me feel worse. I am not trying to take anyone's life away from them but I felt that family, including children should try and be there if necessary.
I have a great university ten minutes from home and I would have felt better if she had decided to go there instead but she chose not to.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Posts: 425 | From NY, United States | Registered: Mar 2005
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Tracy9
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7521
posted
I think sixgoofykids worded it perfectly. I agree wholeheartedly with everything she said. It was perfectly put, and coming from a wonderful mother of six children with experience and amazing insight.
I'm sorry you aren't able to hear the wonderful and appropriate advice from six and the others here who posted.
Sometimes it is best not to "feel better," but to recognize when we need to take a good, long look at our behaviors and make adjustments.
Your daughter would likely always look back and resent you for holding her back had she gone to the local school. She would have missed out on important developmental opportunities in her life by not doing what was best for her.
Refusing to help her pack only served to alienate her further and damage your relationship more. If you are able to find it in yourself to be more supportive of her, I bet you will find her more willing to come home and visit and do what she can to help.
She is still a child. She needs to be a child. She may have been feeling too much pressure and responsibility.
Teenagers are egocentric by nature. By the very nature of their stage in development, to expect them to help us is pretty much a lost cause. So you are fighting against nature, in a way.
Please put your daughter's needs first. That is our job, as a parent. We are supposed to do what is best for them, not us.
13 years Lyme & Co.; Small Fiber Neuropathy; Myasthenia Gravis, Adrenal Insufficiency. On chemo for 2 1/2 years as experimental treatment for MG. Posts: 4480 | From Northeastern Connecticut | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Letting your child go off to the school of her choice with your blessing would be the greatest gift you could possibly give her.
There is so much pressure on young people today, from the outside world and from inside themselves. We, as parents and adults are here to support them and help guide them on their way to independence.
I just sent my son off to school 3 hours away. He could have gone to a wonderful university 30 minutes away. I am so glad he chose the adventure and learning opportunities available to him away from home.
Any support that I need for my lyme (I'm not doing so great right now), I ask the adults in my life to help me.
I hope you can have a talk with your daughter soon and I hope you tell her to enjoy her college experience guilt-free and that you're looking forward to her first visit home. Period.
Your daughter will look forward to her visits home if she is met with love and support, not anger and guilt. If it is a miserable atmosphere to come home to...she'll avoid coming at all.
I hope you are able to see this through your daughter's eyes, and not through your own. I know you are suffering, as we all are, but we need to put our kids needs ahead of our own.
Sorry, this is a bit of "tough love" for you, but I'm thinking about how sad and alone I would feel if I were in your daughter's situation.
Hope you feel better about this soon
Posts: 345 | From East Coast | Registered: Apr 2008
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shazdancer
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1436
posted
Hi amkdiaries,
As a former dance teacher and a parent, it seems to me that most kids go through this pushing-away-the-parents stage, usually at the age that they are off to college. Perhaps it is their way of making it easier in their own minds to make the separation. It just isn't always easier on us!
Both my brother and my sister couldn't wait to move out. After a few years, back visiting, they each said, "Wow, Dad's really changed." Nah, he hadn't changed a bit. They'd just matured and had become more tolerant of those things they didn't like.
Both of my daughters got pretty antsy in their senior year of high school. Drove me bonkers, and sort of made it easier to let them go in the short term. (The oldest couldn't wait to leave, but wanted "her" room untouched while she was gone, despite 2 cramped siblings!) But happily, they have both become amazing young women. I couldn't be more proud of them. I have one child left at home.
It takes time for them to mature to the place of thinking about what you have sacrificed for them. If you raised your daughter to be a caring person, she will get it. Be sure to make her feel welcome to come home, when she is ready.
Take care, Shaz
Posts: 1558 | From the Berkshires | Registered: Jul 2001
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You expressed it so much better than me. And so true about them "pushing away" at this age...a necessary rite of passage.
I think my son was practically running out the door when it was his time to leave. He's always happy to come home, though. (But still mostly just so he can visit with friends!)
Oh well, we're just happy that he's happy.
Jeanne
Posts: 345 | From East Coast | Registered: Apr 2008
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joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12752
posted
amk,
I'm just wondering if you are managing okay without the help of your daughter.
I hope everything is going well!!
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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NanaDubo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 14794
posted
My youngest son just left a few days ago for his junior year in college. He is five hours away. I always feel better when he is at home because we are so close.
He has been so supportive and one of the few family members who will just sit on the floor with me and let me cry and he wraps his arms around me.
I am sorry he left? No. As much as I miss him, I can't stand for him to see me having a bad day and want him to go have his life.
He is a brilliant writer and will probably be a famous filmmaker someday and that will make me proud.
Interestingly enough, he goes to college in a lyme ridden area of NY - near the mountains. His first class yesterday was going into the woods (he knows the precautions) to identify different things.
His professor said - " we may likely run into an anthropod called the deer tick which can carry lyme disease, ehlrichia, babesia, bartonella and a host of other things".
The city kids freaked out!
He now wants to do his paper on lyme disease and co-infections and wanted to know if I could recommend some books.
Dah - I think so!
I am extremely proud of him. Not just cause I'm his mom, he is just one of those people who is a good citizen of the planet.
Fly away happy bird : ) I'm hoping that when I return from Germany I will be up to the drive to visit him looking and feeling like a new person.
Posts: 1129 | From Maine | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I am trying to adapt to being alone which is very difficult as I just started IV again for the fourth time.
Thank you joalo for asking me how I am doing. I will survive but it will be more difficult. Also when your kids are away you tend to worry more and I didn't want the added stress right now. I called her dorm room last night at 11:30 at night and her roomate said she was out.
She called me at midnight and told me she was hanging out in a friends room with a "couple" of guys. I of course was worried because school just started and it didn't seem mature to be out that late with people you don't know.
I just hope nothing bad happens as that will totally destroy me. I was a very different person at the age of eighteen than my daughter.
Thank you once again for listening!
Posts: 425 | From NY, United States | Registered: Mar 2005
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
-
Maybe (you hope, eh?) A "couple of guys" might have meant girls, or also included girls.
Even 35 years ago, when I began college, I called everyone my age "guys" regardless of their gender.
But, I'd hang out with guys and girls late and thought nothing of it. I learned a lot in those late night talks - but mostly about others' fields of study, their home towns, etc. It was wonderful.
My sense of timing was all off and I did set a (very bad) pattern of late nights - mostly studying - but a little laughter.
She will soon learn to monitor her sleep schedule and where her energy goes. The first weeks of college everything is a bit like Disney World - topsy turvy.
Hopefully, once the adrenaline has subsided a bit her studies will capture her interest and she will settle into a balanced social network.
-
[ 04. September 2008, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
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