randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
ok, hubbie's sister is married to a very abusive man.
he recently attacked her again and she had to fight him off with a knife.
she served papers on him this week and is staying in the house.
she's legally blind and can see ok in the day but not at night.
the lawyer told her that she cannot leave because it would be considered desertion and she would forfeit any rights to any money or possessions. also she cannot claim physical abuse until he attacks her and beat her up so she has proof. he said she should let him beat her up and then call police....
excuse me? is this sort of like saying "oh wait untill he cuts your head off, then we'll believe you."....grrrr...
guess the courts won't believe a woman until she's dead huh?
her son's have said they will testify, they've older, in their 30's, but she doesn't want anyone to get involved.
....i'd be terrified.
any advice...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Starfall1969
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 17353
posted
I wish I had some advice for you.
What a horrible situation, and what BS your SIL is being given!
I don't understand the whole "wait till things get out of hand before we can do anything" mentality.
We went through this kind of garbage with my SIL, who was emotionally abusive to her husband and kids. Because it wasn't physical, we couldn't prove it, so nothing was done.
Even when she got a job as a police officer and used her handcuffs to restrain her son and then threatened him with a gun, even bragging about what she did in front of the judge, nothing was done.
I swear the courts are so messed up that you can't even trust them for justice.
I'll pray for your situation. In the meantime, is there any kind of domestic violence support group that your SIL ccan seek help from? They may know of some way to get her the help she needs before her husband kills her.
Posts: 1682 | From Dillsburg, PA | Registered: Sep 2008
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
she has mentioned divorce twice before but never did anything.
he's raped her and her sons had to pull him off her...it's so sad....
she has never filed or called the police. says she doesn't want anyone to get involved.
i told her "look, we'll pay for the airline ticket, take a leave of absence from your job and come down her." he wouldn't dare mess with mike...
but she won't...grrr...
i think that lawyer is crazy, but apparently he's right. we asked mike's son, a cop in dayton, and he said you have to have documented proof of abuse, without it, no go....
she says she has a bag by the front door but hey, sweetie, what if you're attacked and can't get out of the house?
sounds like she doesn't want anybody interferring, but geez, do you want to just get murdered and raped?
i don't understand....course my hubbie has been pretty verbally abusive, but lately has been much much better.
but then hey, he's starting to have obvious signs of lyme, so maybe he's more understanding now....
but i am afraid for her....
sigh...
another case of having to let that pony run......
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Although your SIL doesn't want the boys to testify, if they are willing it could actually be good for them.
When the kids are witness to abuse and can't stop it, it leaves them with a very powerless feeling.
Now they have the power to do something. That could be very theraputic. And if they are willing to testify then the don't care about relationship with the father.
Having the sons testify is a good avenue. Also, does she have any medical records from past incidences?
Unfortunately, abused women often cannot cut loose themselves. They are afraid or locked into the pattern. They keep believeing the abuser will change, or that it is their own fault.
Suggest she gets help from an abused women's shelter. They can advise her best. They know the ropes, and can give her emotional support and strength.
-------------------- Wishing You Showers Of Blessings! Lyme since Fall 1983 = Diagnosed Summer 2008 IV Rocephin 7 weeks Stopped due to drug fever Now doxycycline "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 430 | From Sunny South | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
Sorry, I edited that post and still looks long and lacking in width.. need to read the 'how tos' Posts: 49 | From Louisiana | Registered: Mar 2009
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posted
My BA is in counsling.. there are alot of of local groups were ppl live that helps battered men and woman... they help from counsling to money to jobs or evens "secret' homes. I know this is not legal advice, but her mental health is also an issue..... if you google her area there should be at least on local group.. sometimes they even have pro bono lawyers who specailize in this ....
I am a Dreamer, Believer, and Conquer; I will overcome this disease !!! Posts: 382 | From Alabama Via PA | Registered: Jun 2008
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Starfall1969
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 17353
posted
You said her husband raped her.
As far as I amm aware, even a spouse is not allowed legally to rape you, so she could have gone to the hospital and pressed charges.
That would be proof of what's going on.
Heck of a thing to have to do, but I would say if it happens again, she should go to the hospital and report it.
Posts: 1682 | From Dillsburg, PA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
There are other options besides staying and taking it.
Raping his wife?
Sick puppy.
Your sister has to want help though.
Why won't she leave or file for seperation with a restraining order?
Abusive relationships are often ones that involve some
Type of co-dependency, or no feelings of "worth".
I'll pray for her.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
its a really sad situation-but it does go both ways. 20 years ago my brother's wife was abusing the kids. the lawyer said there was no way he would get the kids until she hurt HIM. so he didn't divorce her-knowing she would still have th kids and hurt them.
he told his lawyer everytime there was an incident and it was documented-but months went on before she attacked him with a tire iron and broke his nose. he called the lawyer from the hospital and the lawyer finall y said they had enough so he ended up with the kids and raised them alone until he remarried a few years later.
but the system stinks! the kids were hurt for months longer than they had to be. and what if she had killed him??? then he would be gone and she would end up with the kids.
this was 20 yrs ago...i thought it had gotten a little better. maybe not.
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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does she own a gun? ( sorry, texan talkin-- that was probably bad)
could one of her sons stay with her?
i hope this turns out ok and not becoming another statistic.
-------------------- i am not a Dr. any info is only for education, suggestion or to think/research. please do not mis-intuprest as diagnostic or prescriptive, only trying to help. **
dx in 08:lyme, rmsf, bart, babs, and m.pneumonia. Posts: 422 | From TX | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
1st marriage, was 15 years in an abusive marriage. Left when my son was 10. (Straw that broke camels back was spousal rape)
Brother is a cop, cousin is a priet. But never called them, never told family. Told one friend and kept a journal for 5 years.
Got a lawyer on retainer & had him served divorce papers. (Suddenly he wanted to go to counseling after I begged him to go for years).
Agreed to go to counseling, he admitted abusing me. He agreed to go to anger management ONLY if I agreed to call off divorce. I didn't agree.
I continued with therapy while going through the divorce process, he continued being an ***. At one point, was carrying loaded 45mm handgun. Told my therapist who called his lawyer.
Filed in Sept.- divorced 4 months later in January. Received house & son... eventually moved because he wouldn't leave me alone.
10 years later, we've both moved on....
Advice? Staying until he beats you is crazy. MOVE, ASAP. (friend, family, shelter). Leave when he is at work. Go to the bank & take 1/2 money. (I did).
Get another lawyer, (I'd suggest a female one), file divorce papers & have him served. Many men are better behaved once in the legal system, they know people are watching.
Physical abuse is a secret thing, not so happy when their dirty secret is exposed.
Sons are 30, (adults) let them testify if it comes to that.
Get a po box so all correspondence with lawyer is private.
She's lucky to have your support, but doesn't sound like she's ready to leave. Sounds like she's making LOTS of excuses to stay.
-------------------- Mom to a 5 year old lymie.... Taking it one day at a time. Posts: 182 | From Ipswich, MA | Registered: Jul 2008
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I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening. This is such a complex, painful issue. I've been disabled since I was a young adult (before I got Lyme) and was actually working in disability services before I got sick, myself. In my job, I was a mandatory reporter of any suspected abuse.
Violence in intimate relationships is always a nightmare. When the victim is disabled, it's even more complicated. I don't know your sister-in-law, but many people with disabilities, including blindness, rely on partners for independent living assistance, such as reading her mail, driving her, or other forms of caretaking. Also, there's the attitudinal/self-esteem issues that people w/disabilities are already so severely undervalued and often lack a sense of self-worth. The abuse further erodes any feelings of empowerment and worth. It makes it all that much harder.
If you contact me with where your SIL lives, I can find out which CIL (center for independent living) serves her area. From them, hopefully, she can get referrals to battered women's programs that are accessible and/or knowledgeable about disability. CILs can often provide skills training and peer counseling, which might help her to feel more able to break free and live on her own.
Every state also has adult protective services for people with disabilities. This is like the services for children or elders who are abused. People with disabilities, aged 18 to 59, can receive help -- if they choose -- to escape abuse from a caregiver. "Caregiver" can be defined broadly, and if your BIL provides any assistance with IADLs/ADLs (incidental/activities of daily living), he can be considered a caregiver. Unlike child protective services, adults with disabilities cannot be forced into protective care, but if someone reports it, the agency is mandated at least to contact her (in a careful and discreet way) and offer her help.
Your statewide domestic violence hotline should also be able to provide you with resources, legal information, etc. As others have said, rape is certainly a form of physical assault, although it's notoriously difficult to prove, especially when it's not stranger rape. Nonetheless, if she's willing to speak to someone in the domestic violence unit of her police department, they are often kind and supportive; she just has to get past the desk sergeant to the right person. If you could speak to someone in the domestic violence unit and get their name and extension, at least your SIL would have that info, if she chose to use it at some point.
As to what the lawyer said, that's beyond my ken, but my question is: "What kind of lawyer?" Lawyers each have their own specialty areas. Is this a lawyer who specializes in domestic violence? Sounds more like a divorce lawyer. She should really talk to a lawyer who knows about battering. Battered women's services or domestic violence unit of police can probably give a referral.
As others have said, she has to be ready to leave. But anything you can do to let her know that you care AND do not judge her for whatever decisions she makes (no matter how bizarre they seem to you), the more likely that, if/when she is able to get help, she will reach out.
It's extremely lonely and isolating to be in an abusive relationship, and she probably has a lot of shame. Whatever you can do to just listen supportively and make it clear you have no judgment, just reaffirming that she is worthy of love and respect (without saying negative things about the batterer -- hard as that is, because then she will likely feel compelled to defend him) is the best you can do for her.
I wish you and your family good luck, and safety.
Posts: 223 | From Western Mass. | Registered: Nov 2008
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
thank you all for your support. i'll clear up some things.
she filed divorce papers on him, and yes, is staying in the house.. says she has bag by the door.
doesn't want to get anyone "involved". i don't understand this at all.
i consider him violent.
oh get this. he has a friend and when they took a vacation, the friend and him stayed in one room and his wife had a separate room by herself. man, strange, strange....
you know you can tell a person all this and if they don't do anything, well, you just have to let it go.
i asked mike to call his sister and check on her and his response was "look, it's her problem. she has to handle it. i'm not going to call and bug her. she'll figure it out and if she doesn't, well, it's her fault."
so what can i do?
i guess i'll stop worrying if the sun is going t come up tomorrow.....
oh, yes, this was a divorce lawyer. one her mother's lawyer referred her to. i wanted her to consult a different lawyer, but oh no, who am i, some stupid little no nothing. although i worked at a social service agency for years...duh....
and she paid this idiot 3 grand up front for advice....
now who's being stupid, here?
sorry, i'm just fed up...
mad at my husband for not helping, mad at her for getting everybody upset and then doing nothing, and mad at myself for even giving a damn...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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aklnwlf
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5960
posted
Randibear,
I went through something similar with my own sister.
After years of hearing about how bad her spouse was treating her and trying to get her to leave (which didn't work), I finally told her not to tell me anything anymore.
Told her I was sick and tired of getting so upset that I wanted to kill her husband and that if she wanted to stay in that situation not to tell me what was going on.
Also let her know that if and when she did decide to leave that I'd be there to help.
Which I was. After 15 years she finally left him when he had an affair with a teenager whom he refused to stop seeing.
He thought that she'd take it because she had taken everything else.
Thank God there was a final straw that broke the camel's back in her case before something else happened.
Hope this helps!
-------------------- Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.
Alaska Lone Wolf Posts: 6918 | From Columbus, GA | Registered: Jul 2004
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I haven't read what others wrote. But, I did hear today that 2/3rd go back to the abusive husband several times.
Some of the Domestic Violence hot lines help get them connected and educated and counsel.
But, she needs to be willing to do this.
I have tried to call for people myself in the past and was told they need to make the contact themselves.
My thinking was it would be great if they would just go out and talk with the person while the husband was at work.
Let them know what their options were. But, they said they did not work that way.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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hshbmom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9478
posted
Please ask your sister to contact the Domestic Violence Center or Women's Shelter.
They can refer her to a good attorney.
They can tell her her rights and what steps to take to prepare for leaving him. She must be willing to act; you can only offer support and encouragement.
She should be able to file a restraining order to keep him away, but he may not comply with the order. He could come & kill her.
Posts: 1672 | From AL/WV/OH | Registered: Jun 2006
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shazdancer
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1436
posted
Quoting alknwlf:
quote:He thought that she'd take it because she had taken everything else.
That to me is the heart of it right there. As long as he thinks she will take it, he will dish it out.
Posts: 1558 | From the Berkshires | Registered: Jul 2001
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