posted
My mother has severe rheumatoid arthritis, she
had her first knee replacement when she was 39.
She would later go on to have 15 more (many done
twice), not be able to dress, cook, nor bathe
herself. She was in wheelchair and living in
elderly housing at 50 years old.
Yet through all this she was happy, grew closer
to god, had many friends, and was famous for
saying "do not pity yourself, there is always
someone worse off then yourself".
Now she is 72 in a nursing home and miserable.
She does nothing but complain. She is everything
you mentioned. She never speaks of god, unless
she is crying out for him to help her (in her
pouts of confusion).
I know she is so tired after forty years of
illness.
But I also I know it is because my
tolorance level with her is shot because I am
sick. I am nothing like her.
I am afraid I won't get properly dx.
She was brave.
I am irritable and impatient. She was patient and
extremely tolerant.
She dealt with her pain, I am fed-up with mine.
Long post once again, I should of named myself
the rambling woman. Maybe I will.
RamblingWoman AKA CathyMary
Posts: 105 | From Mass | Registered: Apr 2009
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Starfall1969
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 17353
posted
CathyMary---
Lord, I was born a rambling woman...don't know who sings that Rambling Man song, but you made me think of it.
Radha--
I wish I could help you, but I know what you mean.
I've only had Lyme and co. for about a year, and I'm just starting treatment, but I have days where I am so bitter and angry.
Then I have days where I do nothing but feel sorry for myself.
I consider myself to have strong faith, but I know what you mean about not feeling any closer to God.
There are people in my church, even young ones, who have worse problems than I do, and they are so filled with peace and joy.
Somoetimes I just want to slap them.
And I'm so jealous of their faith, but I don't know how to get myself there.
Posts: 1682 | From Dillsburg, PA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Ocean
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3496
posted
I can understand how you feel too! I felt so lost for so many years, didn't know which way was up and which way was down. I've had extreme anxiety/panic attacks with Lyme that I've spent years stuck in my own head, afraid to leave the house (but I did, with my husband, but could never enjoy shopping in the grocery store and I was in my early 20's, most 20's year olds are shopping for cute clothes, jewelry, ect, I couldn't do any of that.
I feel like I've lost so very much of my life and I am only 30. 13 years since getting sick, much of it a waste of life. I was angry with God for quite a while, because I felt so close to Him before this happened and then with the panic attacks, I couldn't talk to him because I thought I was being 'punished' for something I must have done, but had no idea what!
I sometimes do think, "If I hadn't gotten sick, I could have helped so many people in my life! why me??? there are people who are out to steal and murder and hate, why can't THEY get sick???"
I don't have any answers, but I am getting to the point of being at peace about it. I don't know what my future holds, but I know that compared to eternity, life on earth is a split second, we won't feel the emotional pain of our loss here on earth.
Radha, if I remember correctly, you were young when you got sick, right? For me it's the early loss that kills me, missing graduation just thinking of scary thoughts of death and dying during it(I was depressed and sick, but had no idea that I was depressed, just knew I couldn't go by a graveyard without getting really scared, things that had never bothered me before). and i didn't tell a single soul because i was convinced I was crazy or something.
It's the mental stuff that was so hard. Physically lately with the neck, arm jerking I look more sick than I did, but I feel better because the depression and anxiety is the stuff that causes me not to 'live'.
Anyhow...I am rambling too. I guess for me I realized that I can be bitter until the day I die, or I can choose to look at the fact that I have a roof over my head, I have the ability to walk (sometimes slowly, lol...!), I have 3 kids and a husband who loves me. I could have been sold as a sex slave as a 6 year old in another country, can't imagine something horrible like that. Lyme truly is a terrible thing, but I had 17 healthy years of life with LOTS of smiles =)
feel free to vent though, it really helps me when I'm feeling down (cried for a few hours yesterday!).
posted
sorry, i have not read all this, but wish to add this POSITIVE in my life.
you find out your TRUE friends who accept YOU AS IS, will lend you an ear to vent, a shoulder to cry on, and not tell you, "it's all in your head"!
i was 21 when bite; i'm 60 now; don't remember who i was then; but i'm MORE compassionate, encouraging, one who does everything in my power to answer questions & give ones guidance, but still judgemental!
that's my short story today; i hope it lifted you somewhat!
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I don't know how long I've had Lyme and company.
Long enough to have passed it to my babies.
Long enough that I am chronic with it.
I think, for myself, that every mountain we have to climb,
Whether it be a physical, emotional, mental or all of the above,
I have a choice. I can look at this and find something
About this mountain I am climbing, to be grateful for.
I choose to look at this disease as an opportunity.
An opportunity that I wouldn't have willingly volunteered for,
But now that I have it, what can I do with it?
I was just so grateful in the beginning to not have a brain tumor,
And to finally find out what was wrong with me.
Grateful to have been able to identify symptoms in my children,
So they get treatment. Same for neighbor's and friends for
Their diagnosis and treatment which I was able to help them with.
I am closer to God. He helps me to survive with His Grace.
I survived Katrina with the loss of my house to tornadoes.
I had a 2 and a 3 year old then.
Lived outside for 37 days without electricity.
Not a journey I would have volunteered for either.
However, it was my journey for some reason.
I started it by being in shock and overwhelmed.
I was 40 (had Lyme and didn't know it), had 2 small children,
And basically had to start out whole lives over again.
My first thought after the shock was how grateful I was,
That I just lost my house. No family members lost or missing.
We had food. We had water. Thank God we had a generator.
We had each other. A blessing that many didn't have.
No matter who you are and what you go through,
Each person's struggle is the worst struggle for them.
I guess I decided many, many years ago that anger and bitterness
Only uses up my energy. After my Lyme diagnosis,
Energy I needed to heal. Energy that was precious.
Energy my children needed so I could get them well.
I chose to be Thankful for this opportunity to learn,
Grow, meet the most incredible spirits (here) and
Reach new levels of conciousness.
I hope that you don't think that I am suggesting
That you do as I do.
I can respect how you feel.
It is just that by the Grace of God, I go forward.
That and my dearest friends here.
I hope that you can find a way to use your most
Precious energy to get well.
Faith is something I work on daily. Sometimes really hard.
I am not always thinking the glass is half full.
I have to stop, think, realize and appreciate.
I hope this makes sense.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
I think you guys should rethink the religion thing, no offense. To think "god" has something to do with this disaster, or is listening to you, is well, just depressing.
It's miserable but pretending a guy in the sky gives a hoot will make things worse, lol.
Posts: 501 | From Cleveland Ohio | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
I'm sorry about the mean comment that was another lyme brain moment and I hope I didn't offend anyone.
Posts: 501 | From Cleveland Ohio | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
Toppers, I've lived in Cleveland for 50 yrs. and now retired in Tn.
I think it's from being a Cleveland sports fan that makes us that way.
Always so close to the big prize but then. nnoooooooooooo.....Still love my teams though.
Maybe you prayed to God for a pennant or the superbowl. I understand.
Radha....You deserve to fell just like you do. One day you may be helping someone just like you, feeling like you and then just maybe it will all make sense. Hugs to you.
Posts: 145 | From Paris, Tn. | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I struggle to be compassionate and understanding.
I have become bitter at a system that ignores our pain and abandons us. I have become hateful of the doctors who deny chronic Lyme and make light of it in whatever it's form.
If I become well I think I can salvalge some positivie knowledge out of it, but the experience on the whole has not been one I can be positive about at the moment.
Posts: 743 | From New York | Registered: Apr 2009
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