posted
Was checking my email account and ran across an email my mother sent back as a reply to mine. I know it is my personal business, but I think when you read it, you will relate to the beginning feelings of your mystery illness. (before finally being diagnosed)
From: Date: 10/15/2009 9:59:18 PM To:
Hey, Mom!
Wanted to talk to you this evening, but you didn't seem much in the mood for me. This way you can read when you feel like it.
First of all, I want to tell you how much I love you. You are soo much more to me than just my mom. You are my best friend. I hope the feeling is mutual.
Second, I want to thank you for being here for me through this disaster of my life. I know I have asked alot out of you lately. I am truley grateful. I also know that I have bothered you alot and/or aggrevated you alot, also. I apologize.
The other day on the phone really hurt me. I can't tell you without it coming out all wrong. I just want to explain some things to you.
I am falling apart. You are right ... I am getting ran over by my kids... so be it for now.
Right now the only thing I am trying to fight for is my health. I have to get this back before I can tackle anything else. Mom, I do not have the strength to fight anything other. Don't you understand that I am afraid that I will get even worse or die from this **** that noone knows what is wrong. I am hurting severly. I'm not afraid of dying - I am afraid of leaving my kids behind. I love my kids, and you and I don't see it getting any better. I tell myself that I am the same old ***** and I will win, and then, the next day I hurt. There isn't a lymph node in my body that is not throbbing. I'm freaking terrified. Mom, I am very sick - it's not just stress... this is sick... that is making my stress worse. I can't even get out of bed without my heart jumping out of my chest. Yes, I am emotional because, I lost my life. I don't want anything to do with anything. I don't have the strength or energy to handle daily life. This is not stress this is not depression this is sick!
I'm sorry... I love you. I just don't need to hear about how I am being ran over. Yes, I tell you things or call you when I am upset. But, right now I just want my Mom...I need you to fight for me. I want to get better and I can't. I want to be able to sit down with out every part of my body hurting and twitching, burning, or growing in my throat. I know I am lost. This is different. I need help not reminded of everything else that is wrong with my life. Help me get through this first. You are all I have. I want my Mom- I hurt.
I love you...
Posts: 72 | From Virginia | Registered: Nov 2009
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aklnwlf
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5960
posted
Justchugging,
Sometimes our loved ones just aren't gonna be there for us.
Remember, you are worth all the love and effort even if it has to come from within.
We are here for you!
-------------------- Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.
Alaska Lone Wolf Posts: 6138 | From Columbus, GA | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Thankyou, akinwlf. I think that my discussion with my mom came out all wrong. I shared this b/c I thought many others went through the same feelings. Trust me...my mother has always been there for me...regardless of what I put her through over the years. She's my best friend. I wrote to her b/c since I got sick, especially at it's peak, I just wanted my mom and I wanted her to kiss it and make it all go away. Still, at times, I want to just crawl up in her lap (like when I was little) just to make me feel better. I'm sure we have all felt like that at one point or another. Once again, thank you. I know we are all here for eachother. I'm not a very lucky person, but I think I got lucky when I found LymeNet. And, I know I'm lucky to have a mom that let me vent like that. Thanks!!!
Posts: 72 | From Virginia | Registered: Nov 2009
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