posted
Hi, there is this person I meet from time to time and mostly at church. She acts like I am faking that I haven't been able to walk normally for five years and can't use my manual wheelchair well since I don't have full use of both of my hands.
She interjects herself into things such as telling my husband, who she has flirted with, that I don't really need the help to get around in my chair at church which has carpeting and a difficult "hill" to navigate. I tried to tell her nicely not to do that(tell him to not help me)but she lashed out at me telling me what a burden I am to others.
Her "advice" on that was to tell me to go sit at another part of the church which would be more difficult since it has more turns, tight spaces to navigate and further away. The result is that I would need much more help not less.
The worse advice however was to go get knee surgery while I try to recover from a recent crush injury to the opposite foot, making what little mobility I have non existent. (The knee belongs to my "paddle foot". Since I can't use the left side of my body well I use my right hand and right foot to get around in the wheelchair. If you have ever tried this it is hard until you figure it out because you can only go in circles if you can only use one hand well without a foot to help. So anyway having a paddle foot is critical to me getting around on very bad days.)
This was followed up by her with other "advice" that was "well if you are that bad off get an electric wheelchair." The doctor of course says yes to such a thing, our bank account of course says no way can we afford the copay and getting a car altered to support carrying it.
Also on Christmas, she grabbed my crutches and told me she was putting them out of the way. They were right in front of me held with both hands in between my knees. They were not in the way. She was standing over me and kept pulling on the crutches telling me she was taking them. I told her no. She told me there were plenty of people to get them for me if I needed them. I kept telling her no.This went on for several minutes. Finally she left me alone and I kept them.
So what do I say and how do I handle all of this and her? I've got worse things and people to deal with and don't need her on top of it all.
-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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Hoosiers51
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15759
posted
I'm sorry you have to deal with this person.
I don't know how good my advice will be, but I'll at least try a few ideas.
Does it bother you so much that you would be willing to switch churches?
I know that seems extreme, but there are a couple people in my life that I have found it SO incredibly difficult to deal with....and every time I see them, they things they say/do cause me so much distress for days afterwards...that it's easiest for me to just avoid at all costs any place or situation where I would see them.
I have found myself happier since avoiding people like that that are just toxic to my life. Or at least avoiding as much as I can.
I don't really see it as "running away" as much as I see it as making a positive change in my life, and CHOOSING who I spend my time with and what kind of people I surround myself with.
I find that trying to explain the situation to them, for me, doesn't work.
So other than avoidance, I'm not too sure what else to tell you.
If you don't go to another church, you could just try to send out such negative signals, that the person stops interacting with you or talking to you. Like if you are very cold to them once or twice, and avoid eye contact when they speak to you, maybe they will "get the hint" that you aren't interested in speaking with them.
Because it seems to me, people like that probably won't change, so it's no use trying to get them to.
Not sure if that helps, but I just want to let you know that I'm sorry for what you're going through, I'm sure it must be tough.
Posts: 4590 | From Midwest | Registered: Jun 2008
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OptiMisTick
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posted
[ 05-04-2010, 01:54 AM: Message edited by: OptiMisTick ]
Posts: 1338 | From Above the Clouds | Registered: Nov 2000
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MADDOG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 18
posted
Tell her to leave you alone or take a flying leap back into HELL were she came from.
That will shut her up.
Say it lowd enuf that everyone can hear you.
Nothing worse than a troublemaker at church.
People like that stirr up trouble in churches,and make others not want to go to church.
MADDOG
Posts: 3996 | From Ohio | Registered: Oct 2000
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MADDOG
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 18
posted
Better yet, grab her hand, look to heaven and say,COME OUT OF THERE YOU EVIL SPRIT!!!!
MADDOG
Posts: 3996 | From Ohio | Registered: Oct 2000
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joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
I'm just curious why your husband hasn't stepped up and said something to her.
Mine would have put her in her place long ago.
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I think we are all different. but, after living with this for years...I deal with things like Hoosier...I find it wasted energy to try and change others or help them to understand...
So, I just try and stay out of the line of fire.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
You could consider saying something like this to that woman while looking her straight in the eye and using a serious tone:
Because I believe in a loving and forgiving God, I forgive you for your past rude and inappropriate behavior, but I will not tolerate another minute of it from this moment forward.
Do not speak rudely to me or touch me or my belongings in any way or I will speak to the pastor/priest about you immediately.
Remember my words because they apply to everyday, not just today.
....you must then absolutely follow up on your promise to speak to the pastor about her if she does any of those things.
Church is a place of love. You should not have to tolerate this behavior which makes you feel like church is a place of tension and dread.
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
ok, the civil rights person is stepping in here.
first, what she's doing is bordering on, no, it is harassment. to physically reach out and try to either intentionally or unintentionally hurt you, can be dangerous.
i'd let her know that if she continues to touch you or be "in your space" that you call the police. hard threat, but you have to be prepared to back it up.
second, this husband thing. she's going to be trying to demean you in front of him and then she'll move on him. could be, hey, it happens. he should stop this as this is his territory.
second, this is happening in church, right? soooo, politely ask the pastor to do a sermon on say treating the handicapped or cruel people or something. he'll know what to do when you explain your situation. or if you get desperate just tell him what she's doing and ask for his assistance.
third, come late to church. i know, i know, but maybe when it's just starting or something. that way you can sit in the back and not have to deal with her.
fourth, a good suggestion. if you really just can't deal with her, find another church. it's a hard decision, but it sounds like this person is the know it all, can't tell me anything type. so you may just have to leave.
but tell the pastor why you are leaving, he may be able to help.
just saying...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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LabRat
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Member # 78
posted
An expression comes to mind, ``if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got!'' Get rude each and every time she comes around, tell her to p*ss off in front of other people every chance you get. No one willingly subjects themselves to abuse. I predict you will begin to see less and less of her. Of course she'll do the ``crippled dove'' routine in a last ditch effort for sympathy. Easy fix, now ask a hard one.
Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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MagicAcorn
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posted
In a very loud voice I'd tell her it is so nice of her to offer to get you an electric wheelchair and thank her in front of the whole congregation.
One....she'll need to explain herself, and two the church might actually chip in and get you one.
That will shut her up.
-------------------- Posts: 1279 | From In hiding | Registered: Feb 2006
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Carol in PA
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Member # 5338
posted
OptiMisTick has good suggestions, but I doubt I'd be able to remember all that.
Keep it simple, getting louder as you need to repeat it...
Stop telling me what to do!
Leave me alone!
Be willing to raise your voice. Other people will crane their necks to see, but I'm sure they already are talking about it.
This woman doesn't seem willing to be able to "let it go," much like people with Lyme.
Carol
Posts: 6947 | From Lancaster, PA | Registered: Feb 2004
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- She is not just a run of the mill busy body. She is clearly an abuser.
While I love some of OpTicMistick's suggestions, I would not defend myself as disabled or even bring that into it. It just fuels her. It does not matter what your situation is, you don't take away anyone's crutches. They speak for themselves as being necessary. Enough said.
But, I would address the flirting and her suggestion was perfect - but I'd leave disability out of it and just state loud enough for others to hear:
"Is there a REASON you think it's acceptable to be flirting with married men? "
By including the "men" it takes a bit of the spotlight off your husband as it's broader problem than that.
-------------
The technique Carol suggests really can work. Stick to exactly the same simple statement each time. Repeat. Repeat.
You can be very firm, increase in tone all the while simply holding your dignity and not attacking her.
Although, were someone to have taken my cane from me when I needed it, I would have have hit them with it.
If she takes your crutches again, call the cops. No kidding. I'd make the call right there in church and let 'em come right then to take her away.
This is harassment, as Randi says. But I think it even goes beyond that.
Stop her in her tracks. The pastor should definitely be made aware as she poses a risk not just to you, but to others. Someone that unstable and hostile needs to be known to those responsible for the church members and the property. My guess is that you are neither her only project nor object of criticism, distain and actual abuse.
Again, I think that she is an obvious abuser with the intent to harm others, even if just with words - but her action of taking your crutches from you might mean she can become more physical if threatened.
Be careful while also keeping your dignity and strength at all times. Nothing is so disengaging as your confidence with just the right use of tone and manner.
Oh, and church or not, there is never a place, a time nor a person around which you should be forced to take abuse. Church or not, stand tall (er, so to speak). -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
I believe I would tell her firmly....you need to go back to Christian Values 101, because apparently you missed much of the teaching on being a good Christian.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I second what Keebler says. she is an abuser.
Nearly anything you say will fuel the fire. Abusers have a way of turning it back on you so definitely avoid mention of your disabilities.
Not engaging to the best of your ability is key.
As OptiMisTick mentioned, and it's fairly easy to remember:
When the woman says something insane, like about tucking your crutches out of the way, try saying:
"pardon me?" "excuse me?" "what?"
Wash, rinse, repeat.
It throws it back on her, and makes her repeat it, or think before saying it again, and she's more likely to walk away knowing she isn't going to get anywhere. I've done it, it works.
If she does physically touch you or try to take your crutches (or anything of yours), as Keebler stated, mention the Police. Mentioning the police (or anyone in Authority in her world) will often diffuse an abuser.
But you have to be prepared to follow through on your words. Right there in church if need be. Cell phone in-hand.
If you know the pastor well enough and feel comfortable and secure, I would share. But it depends on the pastor. The truth of what is going on could get lost in translation. Or in manipulation. Abusers have a way of turning the tables on their targets and are expert at playing the victim.
If you take that step, just try to keep in mind, that no matter how well-meaning, the pastor may see it as a personality conflict rather than for what it really is: harassment and abuse.
(the issue with her hitting on your husband -- I'd not mention--stick with her invasiveness, complete & utter flouting of your boundaries--the abuse & harassment surrounding your disabilities. As mentioned, it would be fantastic if the pastor decided to work it into a sermon!)
Personally, I would broach the subject with the pastor since the pastor is the Authority in this woman's world. As said, you haven't been the first and won't be the last. Abusers have difficulty dealing with their own weakness & choose the most vulnerable in the flock, so to speak, as a target, and right now it's you.
and: get your husband to step up to the plate and support you each and every time this woman acts nuts. Firmly and simply.
Goal: is for her to go away and leave you alone. Permanently.
Good luck~
Posts: 571 | From Massachusetts | Registered: Oct 2008
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She has diabetes. I don't know about anything else.
Yes, I feel like I want to change churches. I just don't want to be around people like this. I have just these few hours a week where I am out of the house with church to be around adults other than my husband.
Hurray to Joalo whose husband would say something and be there for her.
She caught us off guard. It is hard to react when it just comes out of the blue and is so poorly thought out.
When I tell her whatever she has said won't work, she comes up with several more bad ideas in rapid fire succession. I can't keep up the pace and the implication from her is that if I don't take her advice I am stupid or don't want whatever it is to work. How do you handle that tactic? I don't have the energy to keep up and keep trying to be polite as to how each ridiculous thing won't work and if I try then I get drawn in further and she wears me out.
-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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Hoosiers51
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15759
posted
Switching churches might be best. You could at least try out a new one, and see how it feels.
I just can't imagine having to mentally prepare myself to "do battle" with someone while getting ready to go to church, of all places. It just seems like going to church should be a pleasant, uplifting, peaceful, ENJOYABLE experience, and I don't see how anyone could feel like that knowing that woman will be there. I wouldn't be able to relax, feeling like I had to be prepared to dodge insults.
I know that when I'm in situations like that, I am NEVER able to come up with the right thing to say in the moment. I usually do what you and your husband did, which is just sit there, too shocked to say anything. Usually when someone is that rude, I can't even process it quickly enough because I'm so shocked.
If you are able to confront her, great...but if not, I would save yourself the drama and go elsewhere.
That said, I think some of these other suggestions are really good, especially Dekrator48's.
But even if she never comes near you again, just seeing her would upset me. That is ME though. My husband says I "let" people get to me, but really, I think it's just that I hate being anywhere near people who are rude or tacky. That's why I avoid.
Posts: 4590 | From Midwest | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
Being near her upsets me. I try to pretend hard that it doesn't because it seems that people like that like it when they upset you. I try to avoid her when I can.
Yes, church shouldn't be a battle ground like this and I shouldn't have to prepare myself mentally to see her and how to handle what she is going to say next.
I used to be good thinking of things to say but it's part of these last years of Lyme along with the migraines that went on for months straight and the trouble speaking etc. At least now I know what this has all been and can do something about it and am getting better.
-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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Tincup
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5829
posted
My dear grandma was a once a day, every day, church attendee for years on end ... very devoted and faithful .... and when I was around I got to go with her (actually I was made to go when I was really young) to help her get about.
I have to laugh when I read this story because I can picture what she would have done in this situation.
Smack her a good one with her cane!
I certainly don't advise it... but it did make a body pay attention when they were on the receiving end of that smack... and they WOULD stop their bad behavior!
It always worked on me!
If nothing else, maybe that picture in your mind will make you laugh the next time she says or does something.
posted
some people that go to church have a self righteous spirit and i agree with Mad Dog cast that demon out of her she is Hell bound for sure. I also agree about finding a new Church.
Posts: 128 | From web | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
You must be a very nice person, because if somebody did that to me, they would get so much Lyme rage they wouldn't know what hit them. First of all, tell the pain in the a** to BACK OFF! Tell her she's lucky you don't personally know the tick that bit you, or you'd send it to her!! If she ever grabs your crutches again and tells you she is "putting them out of the way" tell her you'd rather she put HERSELF out of YOUR way. I'd probably use some four-letter words, too, but that's not appropriate in church. Oh, and your crutches CAN be used to maybe "accidentally" smack into a certain someone -- "Oh I'm sorry, I'm so clumsy with these things!" I did NOT just say that! Seriously, though (no, I don't really advocate violence, especially at church! LOL "Tincup" I just read your post advising basically the same thing), don't let this lady push you around. You don't deserve it. And don't let her NEAR your husband! YIKES!
Posts: 39 | From Colorado | Registered: Dec 2009
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-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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shazdancer
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1436
posted
I agree with people who have called her an abusive person. Being "reasonable" does not work with this type of person, as she is counting on everyone else being nice to be able to continue being nasty. She loves attention, whether negative or positive.
Do not try to think of something to say that will get her to understand your perspective. She probably understands just fine, she just doesn't care.
Enlist the help of your husband, others in the church, the pastor. I like the "Excuse me?" suggestion -- I have been known to say something like, "I'm sure you didn't mean to be as rude as you just sounded." And a simple "go away" said firmly can do wonders.
She will chatter about you behind your back -- bet on it. She will say how un-Christian you are, how you're faking it, etc. etc. But rest assured, those who are worth knowing see right through her. She has done this before. It isn't about you.
Take care, Shaz
Posts: 1558 | From the Berkshires | Registered: Jul 2001
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Tell her to get away from you, stay away from you and never speak to you or your husband again.
Tell her to mind her own business and stop flirting with your husband or she will see your unChristian side and then trip her .
And be LOUD.
If you don't, that kind of person will make your life as bad as they can, just for the fun of it.
Posts: 921 | From CT | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
I agree with all of the above. Throw in a p.s. to her and say "Be careful, God is watching you".
(And remember, He is.)
God bless you sweetie. You go worship where you are comfortable. I guarantee you God will meet you where ever you are.
Posts: 374 | From United States | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
Thanks. Her family is important to the church from what I can see.
I like the pastor but I don't know how to bring up the topic. Ideas?
I think some distance this week from this would help me cope better with it and a week with less pain and thinking and speaking better would help too for going back. I have much worse to deal with but the few hours on Sunday are all I have with grownups and being out that is not PT or doctor appointments until I can drive again and I need to get the most out of them.
Thanks again to you all.
-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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kidsgotlyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23691
posted
Oh my!!
I just read this post for the first time. You poor thing.
If this family is that important to the church that you feel like you can't go to your pastor and talk with him about the situation, you are in the wrong place.
Our Messiah was very clear about not showing favoritism in the body of believers.
I would just talk with the pastor and let him know what's going on. Maybe he will have some solutions.
If he's not helpful, go somewhere else.
Or, you could just knock her over the head with a crutch...lol! That's what I would do!!
Peace...Christie
-------------------- symptoms since 1993 that I can remember. 9/2018 diagnosed with Borellia, Babesia Duncani, and Bartonella Hensalae thru DNA Connections. Posts: 1470 | From Tennessee | Registered: Dec 2009
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Pinelady
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18524
posted
I agree. That church is your home also. And she
should not abuse or use someone in their own home. Also sounds like she is constantly trying to make
you into a lie. For what purpose? Better watch
Weezie. If you have had it, tell her, If you do not respect me enough to stay out of my face, in
my church home, I will talk to the Elders. Then if she continues do so.
-------------------- Suspected Lyme 07 Test neg One band migrating in IgG region unable to identify.Igenex Jan.09IFA titer 1:40 IND IgM neg pos 31 +++ 34 IND 39 IND 41 IND 83-93 + DX:Neuroborreliosis Posts: 5850 | From Kentucky | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I knew a person like that once. I made it known to her that we would never get along because we were so different (she was evil.) After that, she almost got me fired by concocting a plan to get me fired, plus she managed to get another girl fired who stepped out of line when it came to her will. Be very careful. People like this are ruthless and not to be taken lightly in confrontation.
-------------------- Dying is easy. Living is harder. Posts: 257 | From owensboro kentucky | Registered: Mar 2008
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
still say it's harassment.
if it's that bad, and i truly believe it is, hon, you may have to just suck it up and LEAVE!!!
sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways and look at it this way, He may be sending you a signal. He could be saying "move on, time for a change." do ya think???
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i'm sorry otm, but i tend to disagree with ya a bit on this. having worked with this a lot, i can tell you that bringing outsiders into this may just escalate it. you really don't know the alliances in any given situation and you were very fortunate that it turned out well.
i could understand say, the pastor, since it's his church, but another member....uh no, i, personally, would not go there.
there's a huge possibility that she could mention this to someone else who would mention it to, blah, blah, and then it gets back to this woman. and viola!!! now you have a half mad crazed woman after you saying you are starting all these rumours and she ends up being the innocent party....ain't good...
nope, i'm fer either going to the pastor or leaving.
you really ain't got any other choices, unless you want to beat her up with your cane!!!
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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massman
Unregistered
posted
randi - beating with a cane is a bit radical !
How about just bending her over in front of the congregation and spanking her butt with the cane ?
posted
Is she aware of how incredibly rude it is to take away a person's crutches (or walker, or wheel chair)? Well, I'd just tell her to eff off. lol.
But then again, I'm not a church goer. But you COULD make those quotation marks with your fingers and say, "please go ^"help"^ someone else."
Or...if she attends bible study or some other mid week church class, you could organize a "motivational speech." The hospital where I work did this and attendence was manditory. There were two speakers: one was disabled and the other was the wife of a disabled man. They shared stories about what it was like to be disabled and they explained why certain things were offensive to the disabled.
They explained, for instance, that a wheel chair is part of a person's "personal space" and should not be played with, leaned on, or touched in any way unless invited. They explained that taking the wheel chair away from the person who needs it would be like taking away YOUR legs. The one explained that while she was admitted in a hospital, a doctor decided her wheel chair was "cluttering up the room" and that "she didn't need it in there anyway" and he removed it from her room despite her objections. She explained how this made her feel totally helpless, having no way to navigate on her own.
It was a type of "sensitivity training" the hospital tries to stay on top of. Perhaps this would be a good subject for the lady's guild of your church. The flirting aside, it COULD be that this P.I.T.A. actually thinks she is helping. (Though I doubt it). Perhaps her rudeness simply needs pointed out.
Now I'm MAD! Posts: 212 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Jul 2009
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She seems to need to control lots of things around her. I don't know how much of that is a legitimate desire to help others. She seems very much like a my way or the highway or she'll gossip a lot about you if you don't do as she says type.
Kidsgotlyme, thank you.
Abigail, thanks for the warning! How do you handle being around someone like that?
Optimistick, thanks and hugs back.
Pinelady you summarized how part of it feels very well for me. It does make me feel like she is trying to make me into a lie. She is always with the "what about this" stuff like there is some contradiction so I should ridiculous "advice" and I can't keep up.
Gahagan, that is terrible that the doctor did that! How do I find out about someone like that to give a talk?
Randibear, thanks again and for the warning.
Massman, thanks again.
-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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posted
So sorry to hear what this witch, rhyming with you-know-what is doing to you. It is inexcusable. You've received a lot of really good advice, which is nice to see.
I tend towards the radical when I see situations like this, because no one deserves to be treated this way. I have my own personal "zero tolerance" policy and this woman deserves to be put in her place. It helps that I don't really care what anyone thinks and I am very outspoken (picture my entire family cringing and ducking when I open my mouth )
If it were me (and I know it's easy to say that, but I have not been in your position), I wouldn't spend any more time or energy trying to reason with her or defend yourself...you don't need to justify or explain anything to anybody. Life is tough enough with this DD! I wouldn't involve the pastor either, who for all you know could be her cousin.
If you decide you really like this church and opt to stay, the next time she opens her mouth, I'd tell her to go * herself (assuming it would be prior to entering church), but then again, I'm at the point in my life that I'd whisper it to her in church and pray for forgiveness afterwards.
Before or after church, I'd also tell her that if she ever so much as comes within 5 feet of me or my husband, I will not only smack her in the head with my crutch, but I'll get a restraining order against her. Be sure to out of earshot from another parishioner (you could ask to speak to her privately and wheel yourself away), and smile and speak in a low voice the entire time you are saying this, so that if anyone else sees the interaction, she'll look like a nutjob if she starts saying that you threatened her.
And if someone asks you why she's upset and what happened, you could tell a little white lie and say that you have no idea. You thought you were just having a pleasant conversation. Perhaps she misinterpreted what you said. All you told her was that sometimes it's hard for you to hold onto the crutches and one time they fell and accidentally hit someone. And you told her a story of something that happened years ago where some guy was harrassing you to the point you almost considered obtaining a restraining order. You could also throw in that maybe she has some sort of paranoid disorder for good measure. Payback's a you-know-what. I think God would forgive you for lying a bit, considering what she's put you through.
And, if she dares to come near you again, I wouldn't even respond to her. I'd just smile and nod my head while taking out the cell phone and dialing the local police department. You could continue looking at her with your smiling face as you say "Hello, this is so-and-so. I am being continually harassed by someone, and I'd like to file a police report. Is someone available to come here to take the information?"
Should the police actually show up, I'd file a report. That should be embarrassing enough for her to shut her mouth. If other parishioners start asking what happened, you could say you'd rather not talk about it, as it's a private matter. That would put the focus on her. Picture other people asking her "Why were the police talking to you for so long"
And, if she is still stupid enough to continue to bother you after that, during church I'd make sure to sit close enough to her. Just so that you could look at her and say in a loud enough voice for others to hear, but without screaming at her, "so what exactly do you find so appealing about my husband?" Of course you'd be smiling as you said it.
I know my suggestions might sound radical to some, but IMO no one has the right to treat people this way, and if someone does, he or she needs to be set straight.
I hope she backs down and leaves you alone. It sounds like church is a significant outlet for you and something you look forward to. No one has the right to take that away from you.
Posts: 214 | From where ticks flourish | Registered: Dec 2007
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She and her friends would have a field day.
Posts: 921 | From CT | Registered: Apr 2009
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Vermont_Lymie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9780
posted
quote:Originally posted by Dekrator48: You could consider saying something like this to that woman while looking her straight in the eye and using a serious tone:
Because I believe in a loving and forgiving God, I forgive you for your past rude and inappropriate behavior, but I will not tolerate another minute of it from this moment forward.
Do not speak rudely to me or touch me or my belongings in any way or I will speak to the pastor/priest about you immediately.
Remember my words because they apply to everyday, not just today.
....you must then absolutely follow up on your promise to speak to the pastor about her if she does any of those things.
Church is a place of love. You should not have to tolerate this behavior which makes you feel like church is a place of tension and dread.
Perfect, said much better than I can.
I agree with Randibear that this is harassment. I cannot print what I would say to that person if I saw them behave that way!
Sorry you have to put up with such rude behavior.
Sometimes bullies do need to be addressed directly. I think Dekrator said it very nicely. You might add that harassment is against the law.
Posts: 2557 | From home | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Wow, First of all I am so sorry you are having to go through this..
It is great so many people responded..i started reading through them but my head started spinning
I will go back an finish reading, and I think everyone had great ideas.
We all have a streak that wants us to tell her off... it's amazing how insensitive people can be.
It is also sad, but unfortuntaly we are ALL human thus being a Christian and going to church doesn't make us sinless.
It's also sad because she is probably badically a very unhappy person. The verse comes to mind
Luke 6:41
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
My advice, mind u it's just advice is first and formost
Pray.
Pray for the situation, her and you.
Probably trying to explain to her how you feel (illness) would be useless..people like her either don't understand and/or don't care. Its all about them.
Do not change churches if you like the one you are going to. There ARE going to be people like her EVERYWHERE you go.
Hopefully you can talk to your pastor/priest and he can help...
You have too much to deal with to let her "steal" your energy.
I am thinking about and perhaps you could talk to your pastor about someone addressing the congregation and doing a talk on lyme..what it is, what to look for etc.
You probably won't change her mind but it may help others understand and help many.
It does sound like if she is flirting with your husband she has deeper emotional problems but human nature is also to want what others have.
Just remind your husband the grass always looks greener on the other side.
I consider myself a very spiritual person but my first reaction to her grapping your crutches would be to pop her over the head--lol--Sorry God (:
AND, the next time if it arises for her to mention to you about getting an electic wheelchair PLEASE look at her..
smile and politely thank her for the great IDEA and mention how it would be wonderful if SHE was in charge of organizing some type of fundraiser through the chruch to pay for it!!!!!!
What better way to make someone like that feel good about THEMSELVES than to let them think THEY are doing something to help us "poor pitiful creatures" (:
Above all the suggestions please as I said...
Take it to the Lord and Pray..
He can certainly talk care of all the things we can not.
Take care, Good luck and God BLess,
Karen (:
Posts: 423 | From Virginia | Registered: Nov 2009
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Karen, that verse came to mind when she spoke to me. She's got a lot of things she needs to work on to put it politely and I don't understand why she feels the need to tell me what to do. "Stealing" my energy was a very good way to put it. It takes a lot out of me to be around her.
-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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posted
You've gotten some good advice. My husband is an expert at dealing with people like this. Maybe that's why he is so often asked to testify in court as an expert witness.
He never raises his voice. But he is deadly.Once he asked a woman why she was parked in a handicap zone without a placard. She made some wisecrack and told him to mind his own business.
He quietly went to her car, took out the keys, and threw them on to the roof of the postoffice. She became furious and threatened to call the police.
He offered to do it for her and took out his cell phone. He told her that the city was hurting for money and that they could use the $350 fine for parking in a handicap spot.
Needless to say she backed down and he went on his way. We don't know how she got her keys back. But I bet she doesn't steal handicap parking anymore.
I think his advice would be to keep your cool and make it more miserable for her to attack you than not. Maybe you could thank her for flirting with your husband. Tell her that he gets the hots for older, plainer women....especially ones with loud mouths and ugly teeth and that it always gives the two of you something to laugh about when you get home.
And for sure tell your pastor what is happening, even if you change churches.
I make it a rule to avoid people like this. Some people can't resist kicking someone who is down. The biggest problem they have is that they have to live with that ugly person....you don't.
One of the best ways to support yourself and your family is to limit your exposure only to people who make you smile. That's all you need. Negativity has no place in your plan for healing!
-------------------- DOCTOR: "I don't think you are sick." PATIENT: "We are all entitled to our opinions. I don't think you are a doctor." Posts: 697 | From Northern California | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
I agree with others that you need to move on to a more positive environment. After you speak with the pastor of the chruch.
I've been in some congregations that certain families have been attending for generations and they behave like they own the church. Some pastors are lost on what to do too, they don't want to lose members and sometimes these personality types can be intimidating.
I have to giggle a little bit here though, reading what you've been through. Not at you but it brought a memory back.
My dad has Cerebal Palsy and I grew up watching the cruel things people do and say. He has a walker and has developed a "touch this and die" look that says it all.
He doesn't get angry, just firm. I've seen people reach for his walker, he reaches out and grabs the hand of that person FIRMLY and says "no thank you" no smile or any expression really on his face, but he doesn't let go of their hand until that person says "ok".
hehehe, he's 5'11 and weighs maybe 130 lbs and looks like a little breeze would blow him over, It's awesome to watch him do that. It really works.
-------------------- "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence"--Carl Sagan Posts: 317 | From Kansas and New Jersey | Registered: May 2008
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
how are you doing? have you encountered her again?
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Farraday, thanks for the advice and story. I'll smile today thinking of the keys. What else has your husband done?
Proudmom, I'll work on my "touch this and die look"/ "no thank you and would you like your hand back I'll swap you for letting go of my crutches" look. What else does your dad do or say?
Randibear, I haven't seen her since. Thank you for asking.
Some good news, someone at church has befriended me and is helping me get around. It was great to get a lot of the things done that fall by the wayside for months. She just volunteered herself to come and help out.
-------------------- Bitten about 20 years ago and untreated until Aug 09 Posts: 43 | From Midwest | Registered: Dec 2009
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posted
If she is important, financially or otherwise, in the church, it is unlikely the pastor will take your side, regardless of anything else.
Posts: 921 | From CT | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
So glad you have some help and it's someone from your chruch. That person must be paying attention to what's taught in church.
As far as my dad, he's certainly a different duck, so to speak. Unlike most of us here he was born disabled so he doesn't know anything differently.
He was born and raised in New York to a very outspoken family and that kinda gives him the edge in awkward public scenes.
When I was little I used to get upset when the kids and even some adults used to make fun of him. If you've ever seen someone with CP most have lots of difficulty with balance and walking and muscle control.
He would comment that He was normal and that They were the ones handicapped. Our chruch was set up seating wise so that people with walkers, wheelchairs and other aids sat in the front rows so there would be room for their equipment and not hinder others walking past.
My dad prefered the back though near the door, I guess for the quick escape if needed. He isn't real fond of all the offers for assistance he gets sometimes and trys to make it clear that if he needs the help he will diffenatly ask for theirs when needed.
It's mostly in the way he speaks that gets the point across. He doesn't get emotional (well, in public) about it, just makes a no nonsense statement in as few words as possible. I've seen some people totally clueless though and all he does is completly turn away from them or look away or start a conversation with someone else near him. He says it's not worth the stress to worry about it.
I soooo admire him and somewhat envious that he has it figured out. For those of us that started out "normal" it's much more difficult to learn. Things were easy, tying our shoes, talking on the phone, taking a shower, cooking meals etc.
Don't get discouraged with your position in life, you still are who you were. But now come the new lessons. Sounds like you are a survivor and 'this too shall pass'.
-------------------- "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence"--Carl Sagan Posts: 317 | From Kansas and New Jersey | Registered: May 2008
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Oh, and your crutches CAN be used to maybe "accidentally" smack into a certain someone -- "Oh I'm sorry, I'm so clumsy with these things!" I did NOT just say that! Seriously, though (no, I don't really advocate violence, especially at church! LOL "Tincup" I just read your post advising basically the same thing), don't let this lady push you around. You don't deserve it. And don't let her NEAR your husband! YIKES!
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