Topic: Laughter is good medicine! Did you laugh yet today?
17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
I'm sure I've read this email before, but when I opened this email today and read it, I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair!
And boy, did it feel good to laugh!!! I needed it!!! And I thought I'd share it with you so some of you might feel a little better too
Feel free to add on if you have something funny to share!!
Laughter is goooood medicine! ----------------------------------
KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12752
posted
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I will keep my eyes and ears open for something that tickles me today.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
While at the grocery store, I heard a lady over the PA that sounded like what's her name that use to do the one ringy dingy thing...
I found that amusing.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
Starfall1969
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 17353
posted
Lol, had to read this again.
Here's a good one that I did yesterday. Maybe you all won't think it's funny, but I couldn't stop laughing about it.
I had braided some of my hair, and I wanted to pull both braids up to the top of my head.
Well, I didn't have another ponytail holder, so I grabbed what was closest, a clothespin.
I went the whole day with my hair held up by a clothespin.
Couldn't figure out why I was getting strange looks...
Posts: 1682 | From Dillsburg, PA | Registered: Sep 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Here's one from our daily newspaper columnist, with a small column called Public Eavesdropping - she reports on things that people hear others saying -
"Your brother's name is not Ex-Lax. Stop calling him that. Ex-Lax is not on his birth certificate."
Posts: 13171 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
My husband loves attorney/court stories because much of his work is providing expert testimony in court. I will try to get him to tell us some of his stories, of which there are many!
Meanwhile I have been writing down all the crazy and funny stories from my working years and from raising my very funny children. Humor is a big part of our family life and has sustained us through many tragedies and sorrows.
My husband is terribly funny and when he and the boys get together it is downright raucous! My mother used to come out here from the East Coast to visit because she said we were "like a breath of fresh air". And now our grandchildren come as often as they can because they know they will have fun!
A happy environment is so wonderful for healing!
-------------------- DOCTOR: "I don't think you are sick." PATIENT: "We are all entitled to our opinions. I don't think you are a doctor." Posts: 697 | From Northern California | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
No matter how crappy I feel, if I have a good laugh, I ALWAYS feel better. Thank you!!!
-------------------- dx: MS in 1998 2007 - Lyme suspected 2009 - Positive Lyme, MS worse. Now: Copaxone shots for MS gall bladder out 7/09 Ceftin, Zith, Septra LDN Acyclovir Monolaurin, DHEA, Pregnonelon, Curcumin Posts: 243 | From New Mexico | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that they have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
A myth is a female moth.
Actually Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Eventually the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Roman because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Posts: 13171 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
That was great!! Thanks, Robin!!
Star, did you take the clothespin out of your hair yet? Can I borrow it?
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
Pass the clothespin - hope it says May Lyme Disease Awareness month on it -
Kids' history bloopers part 2 -
The Middle Ages was when everyone was middle-aged.
The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He wrote tragedies, comedies and errors, all in Islamic pentameter. (my note: just try doing that...remember, no vowels)
The next greatest writer was John Milton. He wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven was so deaf, he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when people were calling for him. He expired in 1827 and later died for this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Finally the Colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
The French revolution was accomplished before it started and catapulted into Napoleon.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitos.
Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
(Let's hear it for teachers who caught these for posterity...)
Posts: 13171 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
Hoosiers51
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15759
posted
Thanks for the laughs!
Farraday, sounds like you have a great family!
Posts: 4590 | From Midwest | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
Oh, here's a funny one...
When my son was in Kindergarten, his classroom was on the second floor of a brand new building and the large windows in the room faced the afternoon sun.
That particular day, the men who were painting the outside of the building, set up scafolding so they could reach the second floor.
At about 2pm, the Kindergarten teacher pulled the window blinds down to block the sun from streaming in.
Just then one of the work crew, standing on the scafolding outside their room, ready to paint the window trim, took a quick break and lit a cigarette.
As the Kindergarteners entered the room right after recess, my sweaty little boy noticed the silouette of the man seemingly hanging in midair outside their second floor room and started yelling, "Teacher, Teacher, I didn't know Jesus smoked!"
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
Bolinas is a small town north of here that doesn't like to advertise its existence with road signs - kinda like keep it for the locals -
They do have a permaculture organization that has what I think is a smart idea: they make outdoor perches with niches for the Western fence lizard, which has the capability of reversing Lyme in any tick that bites it. This helps keep the number of Lymed ticks lower.
Ok - so, the entry - in an election a couple years ago, Bolinas qualified and passed ballot measure G:
"Vote for Bolinas to be a socially acknowledged nature loving town
because to like to drink the water from the lake, to like to eat the blueberries, to like the bears
is not hatred to hotels and motor boats. Dakar.
Temporary and way to save life, skunks and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful."
A commentator remarked: Interpretations welcomed.
Posts: 13171 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
Are there any English speaking people in Bolinas? Ha! That is a riot! Kind of embarrassing for them really...
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
You know, they might have done this for a lovable local, is what I'm thinking happened. Either that, or their favorite town bear...
Posts: 13171 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
17hens
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 23747
posted
Children in Church
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear." ---------------------------------------------- One Sunday in a Midwest City ,
a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!" ------------------------------------------ One particular four-year old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ------------------------------------- A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am." ------------------------------------------ A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,
"I think it's Adam 's suit". -------------------------------------- The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" -------------------------------------------- Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers." ------------------------------------------- My grandson was visiting one day when he asked ,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied. ---------------------------------------------- A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?" ---------------------------------------------- A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
-------------------- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
bit 4/09, diagnosed 1/10 Posts: 3043 | From PA | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[woohoo]](graemlins/woohoo.gif)
![[lol]](graemlins/lol.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic