posted
I work in the "spirituality" field as a counselor~ My clients that are struggling to "forgive" are those most self damaging, or stuck, blocked etc.
Forgiveness is not acceptance of wrongdoing being right, but the release of control.
By NOT forgiving, we allow such event, or person to define us, and when defined by a negative experience, we reflect that upon self. I have also found that humans with very chronic memories, experiences, grudges etc, that forgiveness is difficult in the same way addicts struggle to be sober. Who am I, if I am not the hater/addict/disease/etc? I work with clients from all walks of life. Many with horrendous "stories". Those who can forgive, find joy in life. To forgive another, first requires we forgive ourself. At the core of all hate, is shame and guilt. This topic is also close to my heart, as I am filled with such joy, when a client comes to me, and has "forgiven" and is no longer a prisoner in that jail. My recent illness; Lyme (not seen a LLMD yet, but positive titer) has me facing forgiveness once again. Externally, the health care providers who have "abandoned me". My family; because they have no clue what I am dealing with, no clue. And lastly self, to fight this disease, I had to forgive myself for "getting sick", and now I am learning that forgiveness of "being sick", is the first step in healing. Emotionally and physically. I believe in many aspects, that NOT being able to forgive, is a symptom of fear. I have found much comfort these few days in my recognition of my need to forgive.
Posts: 41 | From Springdale Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Wow, forgiving oneself for getting/being sick - I hadn't thought of that, but it certainly speaks to the guilt I feel about being less than I'd like to be in many aspects. Have to mull that over some.
I was thinking that forgiveness is a process of healing. Sometimes I need to work my way through something before I am ready to let go of it. To me, the process is as important as the destination; by understanding how I've gotten to forgiveness, I know I've truly let go and the next time I face a similar situation, I have tools available to help me through it.
Posts: 212 | From San Francisco Bay Area, California | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Carly and Christie, I commend you on the posts about forgiveness.
I am not a forgiving person myself when it comes to major things. I forget and overlook, but I consciously refuse to forgive certain people for their actions. Some things are just plain unforgivable in my opinion.
I do not dwell on "the unforgiveables" as I've spent too much time and emotion on them already. In situations where I am able, I minimize or eliminate contact.
As far as forgiving myself for an illness that was randomly placed on me by the universe, well I've never thought about it quite that way. It is a random event that I did not bring upon myself. I have had twinges of guilt about my children being ill but I did not bring this upon them either.
I just don't see the need for me to forgive myself for the situation we are in nor do I see the need to forgive certain people.
In my opinion, unwillingness to forgive is not a sign of fear. It's a sign of unwillingness to forgive, period. And not forgiving doesn't mean you haven't moved on.
Though I don't share your opinions, I do thank you for making me think about this.
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
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posted
Alana, I can understand your points very well. As far as "my" need to forgive myself of contracting this disease, that is about me and not a reflection of anyone else. You are absolutely correct, why should anyone feel "guilt" about a rather random event? I can agree to a point that not being willing to forgive may be a choice, and it would not be fair to say that "all" those who do not, or even can't forgive are in denial or messed up, or in fear, or not living to their potential. I admire your strength, and your ability to be true to your own self, by sharing your feelings and ideas on this subject. Before and after. My life is seperated by these terms. My symptoms remain unchanged by my enlightenment in my personal being, spirit, by self forgiveness. By this gesture, which began towards others, and ended up fully self serving; I see the "after" defined (again reflected in core self) as being a survivor, courageous, unstoppable, active, filled with faith, determined, etc. Before my "illumination"; my "after" was defined by fear, limits, guilt, helplessness. It was NOT the disease, the symptoms, the dx that was "killing me", but in truth the way I allowed it to define me. I left the traditional field of Psychotherapy, state & federally governed medical psychology because THEIR definition of "forgiveness" was to force an abused 13yo to return to the home and live again with the person who caused her great harm. So I totally support your view of limiting contact with those who have caused harm. Not that I mean to imply my support is needed by you of course not, but I just wanted to share that, and I appreciate all the views expressed. A lot of great input that allows us to learn and grow.
Posts: 41 | From Springdale Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Ok, A-S this is a wikipedia definition, but it's still a good definition: "Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution."
It sounds like that's exactly what you do. You let it go, learn from it and move on.
Forgiveness doesn't mean to give someone the right to walk all over us.
I am all for minimizing and eliminating contact with those who are toxic or damaging to us.
My whole point for bringing up this topic was that it can be all-consuming and destructive to us when we hang on to negativity.
As for being forgiving with myself for being sick -I never thought about that either.
Such an important point, though.
Posts: 797 | From New York | Registered: Feb 2008
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Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am strong and true to myself and I see that you are as well.
You are what you have defined yourself to be: "a survivor, courageous, unstoppable, active, filled with faith, determined, etc."
You have stepped out of a box that could have defined you. Illness does not define anyone and good for you that you have been able to come to that conclusion. You are so much more than "having an illness"
I can't even imagine working in a situation as you did: where a govt agency forced a kid to return to an abusive situation where she was harmed in the first place. Seems like common sense is often left at the door in these situations. How very sad.
And thanks for your supporting my view. I totally appreciate that my support isn't needed by you. You are most obviously a strong young woman. More power to you, and my best wishes for your good health.
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
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Thanks for that wikipedia definition. I actually never thought of it that way:
"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution."
The only thing I'd change in that definitions would be to replace "perceived" with "actual" because really it isn't a matter of perception, it's a matter of reality.
You are right, this is pretty much what I do. And yes,forgiveness doesn't mean you give someone the right to walk all over you.
And yes, it is very destructive to hold on to negativity. Relationships with our loved ones despite the love we share can be all-consuming and destructive...not good for those suffering with illness!
And the forgiving yourself for being sick, well I just wouldn't spend too much time on that. Kind of like going to confession asking forgiveness for a sin you didn't commit. But that's just my opinion.
Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you feel well soon. Thanks for all this "food for thought"
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
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