posted
Ok so hear me out.... Excuse my inability to probably communicate this properly as i feell like im losing my brain function and abitlity to process and communicate thoughts but ill try.....
So like ive been sick since i was 17 maybe before... Im 28 now...Now for the last 10 years i have been studying healing trying to heal my "fibromyalgia"... I tried everything, shamans, holistic doctors, fasts, yoga, diets, writing exercises, forgiveness exercises, guifensin protocal, eft, therapy, complete life style changes, moves.. ect all on my own with no support from anyone, doctors or family.
The thing i found and still do find frustrating is the ideas on things like energy, vibrations.. and where that comes into play with supposedly why we are sick...As i find a certain truth in that. we all have had times where things were working for us well and we were resonating at a certain place for things to just kind of work out.. We understand the law of attraction and all that...So why have i not made myself well? How have i gotten to a place where i am this sick? And how do i change the thoughts ( which are energy and vibration) about my situation, as quite frankly i find it hard to stop thinking " my left side is in spasm, my head is pounding, i think im losing my brian functin permanently, and i cant use my right arm to do music anymore" when really thats the reality as of right now.
But the frustrating thing is when we have been sick for so long that we get stuck in a pattern that we dont feel well really seems impossible to break. Even before i knew i had lyme people were always telling me to change my thoughts and i have tried really tried, we feel horrible so we cant help but think about how horrible we are, were searchng for anwsers, medicine, supplements, ect... Looking and looking for a way out of the hell but at the same time we are looking for something outside imposing the idea that we dont have what we need, which continues our pattern of feeling incomplete, sick, helpless and whatever else horrible emotions come along with that...
Now i have tried to switch up the patterns, fight thru the sickness, do the work on myself ect.. feeling very responsible for my situation and that i just haven't been doing something right or i wouldnt be so sick.. but 10 years later not better just with a diagnosis that has a test shown on paper to go along with it....
Now i have a blood test saying i have lyme and like 3-5 co infections.. I have no idea really at this point as im really in a state of extreme confusion and desperation, in pain, alone, not handling the medicine and really really questioning if this lyme treatment is really the problem or if its a pattern in my life that i have not gotten to the root of?
I had a horrible child hood and was traumatized through out it,...I was not taken care as a child needs, took care of things and tried to take care of my single mom, was always under alot of stress and there was always something wrong. so i wonder if i vibrational got into this sickness where i feel the same way, or if it allowed this disease to manifest in my body.. I mean how do i know that taking this medicine is actually gonna help me, or am i kidding myself and have some other deeper work at hand that im ignoring?
i know it sounds like a lot of babbling but Im REALLY sick and REALLY confused. I want hope and mainly i want change. And id like to stop beating myself up trying to figure out what is the way to better health. As many roads ive taken to just be able to function like other humans, id hate if now being on serious amount of antibiotics was the wrong road ( which not feeling better and losing my mind doesnt help)...
Has anyone else had such thoughts while going through this...?
Posts: 106 | From Wales, RI usa | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
I mean really.. I taught myself music production through being sick, im so sick now i havent done music in 3 years. I need my health and my body so i can create music that will touch people...
I know my purpose... This illness is really getting in the way!
Ok done venting.
Posts: 106 | From Wales, RI usa | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
I was in a hole so deep last winter spring that I wanted to die. then I felt so guilty aobut not being able to pull myself out with faith...
Yes i get what you are asking but it turns out that undiagnosed Bartonella was making my brain so messed up that the stinking thinking and emotional mess was a RESULT not the cause.
I had beat Post tumatic stress disorder a long time ago and this was worse!
This is what I think and say when folks ask me about what you are asking or similar...why can't my own faith heal me? is a variation on this...
what I say is if you had a broken leg you would wear a cast until it was strong enough to walk on again unaided. Same deal with mind-brain-emotions untreated...
so even iF you "allowed" this through some weakness guess what? it has compromised your thinking and emotions so bad you need help outside of yourself to get where you can be your own good resource again.
until then gently begin to get over the guilt trip on yourself and let others help you back to a better place.
I get how the loss of autonomy and control is so very hard.
But you got here didn't you...that was certainly a huge step in the right direction.
i don't mean to sound without compassion by any means as I know the mess your mind and emotions are in having experienced it. a moment by moment struggle of doubt, guilt, fear, questions, doubt, misery, and all of it.
Realize that it is a compromised state of health that is undermining your capacity to fully come to your own aid all by yourself with only the strength of your own thinking...when it is compromosied by disease.
As a whole being compromise can come through any gate...physical, spiritual, mental, emotional to affect the whole...
That affects the mind...
Please please gently give yourself a rest from having to be the right questions and the right answers all rolled into one...
for sure compasion and gentleness towards yourself will help..repeated as often as needed. :-)
we all get by with help...
I pray you have some relief Lenire and rest for your soul...and accept help for your weary body and spirit.
-------------------- Not everything in life that can be counted counts and not every thing that counts can be counted...Albert Einstein Posts: 208 | From Northeast | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Thank you. Yeah im at the fourth supposed lyme literate doctor this past year for help with the lyme and co infections. None of them have helped me and listened so im on to a new one... Ive only seen her once but since i started the new meds i have not gotten better. My brain is melting like im on magic mushrooms, i back of the medicine and it feels like my head is swollen up.. My soul is getting more restless to be able to create again. And since im not getting any improvement in the past year i am getting discouraged. The pain is still there if not worse and my brain is messed up.
I want help just not always sure im gettng the right help or looking in the right places as im not getting better and seem to be getting myself into somthing i feel i cant handle on my own... Literally some days i wonder if im gonna end up a vegetable or if i should walk down the road to the mental hospital ( yes convient location ).
So ive started watching these abriham hicks videos about curing illness ( hence why i brought up this vibrational stuff) Since i did give up on it years ago..but ive been really wanting change.
I talked to someone today who was talking about the hemoglobin in our brains has everything to heal us and that medicine makes its hard for our cells to pick up on that... I started to get worried about taking my meds ( on top of the fact that the meds are totally spinning me out in between states of complete dissociation and compelte speedyness ).
i do want help ... REALLY badly..
i will try to be paitent with myself but i really dont feel well and my mind is spinning on how to get better admist this tripped out like feeling state as it triggers a since of urgency as no one should have to feel like this, its really scarey... Last time i felt like this out of it was when i had stopped meds for months and i was completly unable to respond to anything around me or make any choices or moves...I was in a complete state of dissociation.
Im defiantly ready for help!!!
Posts: 106 | From Wales, RI usa | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
I guess your saying try to stop the pressure on myself to figure out the answer...
Where do we find our answers and more importantly the help in situations like this though?
I really hope this new doctor listens to me, i will see her on tuesday... I hope i have the mind to explain what im gong through as well... Just am nervous that lyme docs and antibiotics might not be the right answer.. based on how horrible i feel... and how little i really know. :/
Posts: 106 | From Wales, RI usa | Registered: Jun 2010
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- You say: " . . . Now i have a blood test saying i have lyme and like 3-5 co infections. . . ."
You did NOT cause this yourself. It's not bad vibes or bad thinking. It's infection. No one gets a free pass. Sorry.
Past traumas do not cause lyme. Nothing you did causes it. You got bitten by an infected tick. It happens. It has nothing to do with one's past or how good or bad a person might be.
With lyme and 3 - 5 coinfections, I do hope the doctor is very well educated and will set you up on an aggressive treatment protocol that also has elements of support.
Don't determine what you think will or won't work. Let the expert guide you. Lyme requires aggressive treatment.
All the happy thoughts in the world can help with demeanor but cannot take the place of real medicine. Support methods are important, too, but cannot take the place of specific agents to address infection.
** Keep it simple. You have infections. Get expert advice. Get medicine. Support your body and your spirit during the process. Look forward. ** -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Deerose and Keebler said it well...my question would be...are you SURE you're seeing LLMDs? You say none of them have helped or listened to you..that makes me wonder.
You need an ILADS trained LLMD..you've got a lot going on, and just any old body who says they treat Lyme isn't going to help.
You have an appointment on tuesday...I'm so hoping this doctor is truly lyme literate and can get you started on the path to wellness.
Posts: 624 | From Oklahoma | Registered: Jun 2010
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sutherngrl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16270
posted
My advice would be, not to put the pressure of a time frame on yourself(I did this to myself for a long time). Treating for 4 months is nothing when it comes to LD. It took me 2 years of treatment to start to feel better.
Stop pressuring yourself, like its your fault. LD is a bacterial infection......period. Its not your fault that you caught it. You didn't get it because you had a bad childhood.
Try to think about it logically and stop analyzing it to pieces. Its an infection, plain and simple. Treat it for however long it takes to get rid of it.
Posts: 4035 | From Mississippi | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
i hope my doc is the one.. The docs i went to were on the list i was mailed. This new doc/np is trained under lyme liteate docs. I hope she helps, i obviusly couldnt handle the meds she put me on, so hopefully i get good advice tommorow. Im losing my brain again its scarey.. Only thing was i could never talk to her about things on the phone. But i cant be picky. I have no money or support for getting anohter doc. the other docs took my insurance.
Im in RI if anyone has had any expiernce with this doc ( mainly good expirences ) let me know.. I need hope!!!
Posts: 106 | From Wales, RI usa | Registered: Jun 2010
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It is not a fast thing when it gets that messed up.
And in here are many who felt lousy when treatment began...worse for a while.
Because the treatment was working! Killing bugs!
You have big hope Lenire. you have a diagnosis! Tests actually show it!
Many people never get that! It's a big deal.
My own doctor of many years who helped me with many other things refused to even discuss that I might have chronic lyme even tho another practioner found it.
Your tests and finding lyme literate physicians and being in this resource are concrete evidence that things are working for your good now.
Hang on. The days you are in are better than the days when you were sick and no known cause.
Even better days are coming.
-------------------- Not everything in life that can be counted counts and not every thing that counts can be counted...Albert Einstein Posts: 208 | From Northeast | Registered: Aug 2010
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momlyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 27775
posted
I can completely relate with you on the "law of attraction" connection.
After my son was diagnosed a few months ago, I was attracting bugs into my life like a magnet... 100's of flies in a window... a huge spider dropped from a ceiling onto my nose, ant invasion on my porch, powderpost beetles in a rental home, and the last straw was when the dog got lyme... I was feeling bugged out - and it's not me that is sick and on meds, it's my son. I'm just a really good manifest-or...
Whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, it is real... Thoughts Are Things.
That being said... did you attract Lyme into your life? NO! Absolutely Not!
Bad things happen to good people... somebody wrote a book about it I haven't read it but personally --I don't need to! Random acts of _____ happen every day! You can't control other people -- or other BUGS!
You only control YOU! You pick the direction your life is GOING from this moment on... by the thoughts you choose today.
My son has 2 journals. One is labeled, "What Is Today" The other, "What Would Be Nice Today" He struggles to write, but I encourage him to use them both and I stress that although the journal he keeps about 'what is' is important to the doctor for his recovery-- the journal about 'what would be nice' is important for his own recovery.
It is difficult to be positive when you are in pain. I know... not only because my son is suffering and I can't do anything about it. But, I was bitten by a rottweiler when I was 23. It took me 5 years to find a natural cure for that pain. Thankfully, I knew enough to search for my cure then. I will find one for my son too... and with a good, positive attitude -- you will find your own salvation!
Each of our bodies & our minds are different. that is why it is so difficult for any doctor to give you an estimate of how long it will take to recover. Our LLMD said the 'general rule of thumb' is... as long as you were sick, it will take to recover.
I believe our minds are a powerful part of recovery. If you find yourself thinking "I don't want to ______" Use that moment to ask yourself, "I know I don't want to ______... What do I want?"
As much as possible, stay positive. I 'require' my son to watch comedy, daily. Belly laugh, comedy & positive input. Shut off the news... shut out negative people. Feed yourself a good diet of positive thoughts.
Mother Theresa said "I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there."
-------------------- May health be with you!
Toxic mold was suppressing our immune systems, causing extreme pain, brain fog and magnifying symptoms. Four days after moving out, the healing began. Posts: 2007 | From NY/VT Border | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
This disease is NOT YOUR FAULT. your pain is NOT YOUR FAULT. you DID NOT CAUSE YOUR SYMPTOMS.
remaining positive and hopeful is certainly key to getting well, but is not in any way the single magic bullet to being cured.
do not let others try to convince you that you are in some way responsible for what you are going through. you have enough problems already without having to deal with guilt for something you did not do. i've been through that whole trip, and it's beyond worthless.
many alternative treatments provide some help, and are a fantastic adjunct to keep a person in the best health possible, but please remember : if a person has a gunshot wound to the chest, all the chanting and crystals and herbal tea and acupuncture and all the magic remedies in the entire world will not remove the bullet and suture the wound. they will not prevent the wound from becoming infected. they will not replace the empty sucking wound where flesh and bone used to be.
alternative medicine is something like a fine polishing. if you have a vase, and it's old and covered in dirt and misuse and dust, alternative treatments are a fantastic way to clean it up and keep it shining. but if the vase is broken into a hundred pieces, all the diligent polishing in the world will not put it back together into anything resembling a vase.
at the least - please, please for the love of everything sane in the world, don't blame yourself or feel the least bit guilty for what you are going through. it is not anyone's fault except for the people who refused to help you or failed to help you get better from this disease.
stay strong, and just as an experiment - get some antibiotic treatment. you've tried everything else. just try it for a few months. you're already boosting your system to maximum function with all of the other treatments, what harm could there be in a bit of western medicine?
good luck to you, and i honestly hope that i havent offended you in any way. i just get so enraged at the thought of people being beaten down and made to feel guilty for something out of their control. to me it's no different than yelling at someone for being too short or having a certain color eyes or skin. having a disease is simply a fact, an inescapable fact of being.
i mean, in ancient religious texts they speak of people being shunned from their homes for having "leprosy". it was seen as divine retribution for past sins to be struck down with the disease. but a recent retranslation has found that the word that was thought to mean "leprosy" actually means "psoriasis". can you imagine someone being thrown out of their own home nowadays for that sort of condition? it seems absurd. but they were made to feel guilty and were exiled for it nonetheless. how much unnecessary pain and suffering was caused by this belief in divine retribution or personal inadequacy or past transgressions? and in the future, lyme disease will be seen in the same light, no longer something to cause blame and shame, but a disease to be understood and treated. the same way we treat psoriasis today.
it all stems from humans trying to explain something that was currently beyond their means to understand fully. it's been thousands of years of this sort of thing, and it needs to stop now. we can explain this disease, and many others, yet there are still those that want to hold on to the old ways of thinking - to blame the sick for being sick, to convince them that they are ill from some past sin. it needs to stop.
please, dont misunderstand me. what i say comes from a place of love and empathy. if i've offended you i can't apologize enough. i just hope some of what i've said helps you, even a little. i pray you find some relief from your condition, in any way possible. good luck to you.
Posts: 8 | From PA, USA | Registered: Oct 2010
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quote:Originally posted by momlyme: I can completely relate with you on the "law of attraction" connection.
After my son was diagnosed a few months ago, I was attracting bugs into my life like a magnet... 100's of flies in a window... a huge spider dropped from a ceiling onto my nose, ant invasion on my porch, powderpost beetles in a rental home, and the last straw was when the dog got lyme... I was feeling bugged out - and it's not me that is sick and on meds, it's my son. I'm just a really good manifest-or...
Whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, it is real... Thoughts Are Things.
That being said... did you attract Lyme into your life? NO! Absolutely Not!
Bad things happen to good people... somebody wrote a book about it I haven't read it but personally --I don't need to! Random acts of _____ happen every day! You can't control other people -- or other BUGS!
You only control YOU! You pick the direction your life is GOING from this moment on... by the thoughts you choose today.
My son has 2 journals. One is labeled, "What Is Today" The other, "What Would Be Nice Today" He struggles to write, but I encourage him to use them both and I stress that although the journal he keeps about 'what is' is important to the doctor for his recovery-- the journal about 'what would be nice' is important for his own recovery.
It is difficult to be positive when you are in pain. I know... not only because my son is suffering and I can't do anything about it. But, I was bitten by a rottweiler when I was 23. It took me 5 years to find a natural cure for that pain. Thankfully, I knew enough to search for my cure then. I will find one for my son too... and with a good, positive attitude -- you will find your own salvation!
Each of our bodies & our minds are different. that is why it is so difficult for any doctor to give you an estimate of how long it will take to recover. Our LLMD said the 'general rule of thumb' is... as long as you were sick, it will take to recover.
I believe our minds are a powerful part of recovery. If you find yourself thinking "I don't want to ______" Use that moment to ask yourself, "I know I don't want to ______... What do I want?"
As much as possible, stay positive. I 'require' my son to watch comedy, daily. Belly laugh, comedy & positive input. Shut off the news... shut out negative people. Feed yourself a good diet of positive thoughts. ."
wow you sound like a good mom! Are you adopting?
ps i really will not accept that it takes me the time i was sick to get better. I have lost half my life and im still young, i have strong purpose and cant afford for the next 10 years to be suffering still. Posts: 106 | From Wales, RI usa | Registered: Jun 2010
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posted
pps I had a horrible expiernce as my second visit today at the lyme doc i just saw..
she seemed so annoyed with me cause i had to back off on meds that she gave me, but i couldnt get ahold of her for the last month on the phone. She said who is going to take care of you, we need to figure that out.. I was thinking in my head that she was gonna help me..
Yeah i dont have family or a boyfriend to help me now but i was really hoping that i had finally "manifested" a lyme literate doc who i could see ( since im limited to no money and just medicare) that would be a good guide.
How can i be guided by someone who isnt acknowledging kindly with what s real in my life, A i dont have anyone to take care of me, and B i was getting scary sick- like losing my mind on the formula she prescribed.
I asked her to it-least tell me what i was going through was normal and she said no its not or you wouldnt be here.. Like DUH... i meant normal for a sick person with lyme. She had no patience with me. I just wanted a bit of reassurance... Am i asking to much for wanting the person who is treating me to give me that?
She asked me which i wanted to treat first bartonella or babesia, its like lady..Im sick i dont know .. I just keep hearing those two names but i dont know, im not educated enough and ive been too ill to read.
I mean maybe my vision is tainted but im sick and sensitive and just suffered a month of severe issues every day.. losing my brain function and severe pain on the meds u suggested. ANd the past year not showng any improvement on other meds from other docs...I need to know im on the right path and more importantly as of lately a SAFE path... I dont want to die!
Again people i always can use phone support as there is no support group here where i live.. please pm me if you able to talk on phones. Maybe u have ideas i have not thought of.. Or just have a good experience to share with me with your healing.
ppps thanks aitech and everyone else for your words!
Posts: 106 | From Wales, RI usa | Registered: Jun 2010
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