I have always been the type to throw big birthday parties, Christmas parties and summer parties. I have always liked socializing and entertaining.
And I always looked forward to seeing friends and family and celebrating whatever occasions.
Our world has become smaller and smaller as the sickness progressed with my family.
When I had one sick child the world became a lot smaller.
When I had 2 sick children the world shrunk to the point that it consisted of 4 walls, doctor's offices, pharmacies, labs and visits to the supermarket.
Things got so bad that a year and a half or so ago I emailed friends and told them that things were not going that well for us and to please forgive me for not staying in touch.
I've managed to maintain contact with a few friends who live close by and who "get it"
These women have been the ones who have called me to "check in" during some very dark times. They have had difficulties of their own, so we share that commonality. I have always been there for them and they have always been there for me. It is truly a gift to have a few friends like this.
So here is what is bothering me--
We have been friends with "Jane" and her husband for over 20 years. Her son is my godson and my daughter is her goddaughter. We have been through births and deaths and everything in between.
Jane has always referred to me as being "family" but in reality I have never "felt" that from her. I had a great relationship with her parents, so much so that I sensed some annoyance on her part during family gatherings.
Jane was one of the people I had emailed explaining our situation and MIA status. She had emailed me back indicating she understood.
After that one of her kids made confirmation. I was in no shape to go, but my husband did because he felt it was the right thing to do.
And before that when I had just one sick kid, her daughter had a sweet sixteen that we attended because we felt it was the right thing to do.
My daughter was at home sick as a dog so I couldn't really enjoy anything about the party but I felt that it was important to share this special day with Jane and her daughter. We stayed for most of it.
Anyway I contacted Jane last May and told her I was having a graduation party for my daughter at the end of June (miracle that the kid even graduated but that's a story for another day).
She called me a couple of days beforehand confused about the date. Long story short, Jane and her family didn't come to our party and because of her confusion with the dates, we weren't able to attend her daughter's graduation party either.
Jane has 4 kids and works almost fulltime. She is a bundle of energy, extremely organized and calendered up the wazoo. Knowing her as I do I was very surprised that she was confused about the date.
The way I left it was that we should get together during the summer and let's try to nail down a date.
There was no communication until I called her inviting her family to my daughter's birthday party in the fall. I got no response. So I left a message saying that I hoped they could make it. I didn't hear back.
I then sent an email telling her that I missed her and was looking forward to getting together. And I asked when my godson's party would be as well as the date of another one of their daughter's sweet 16 party.
She replied that she missed me too and she'd get back to me about the dates. Well both dates have come and gone.
So what do I do? I am normally the kind of person to cut my losses. But Jane and her family have been in our lives for 20 years and my little one always asks if "Aunt Jane" is coming whenever we have people over.
Do I try one more time to reach out and salvage this relationship? Or do I just let it go?
What would you all do?
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
Maybe a phone call would be in order...e-mails can be impersonal and hearing each others voices might be helpful?
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I agree that a phone call is a good idea. It may be that the friendship cannot be salvaged for whatever reason, but it sounds like it is worth the effort to talk to her and ask what is going on.
I feel for you. It is hard to lose a very good friend, especially when your life is so filled with struggle right now. I'm sorry.
-------------------- "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." Anonymous Posts: 450 | From California | Registered: Feb 2008
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Time for a phone and keep your ears and heart open to accept both words and the tone in her voice. You will know then if this friendship can come together or not.
Just be sure that she has a few minutes to really talk so that her attention is undivided. Then you'll be able to best interpret her words, energy and tone.
Hope this works out. Actually, better yet, could the two of you possibly meet for an hour at a museum or a quiet venue ? -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Camp Other
Unregistered
posted
I think Keebler has good advice. In your shoes, I'd try the phone call when she is not busy and able to listen without interruptions.
Beyond this, you might want to plan something nice for yourself after making the call. Just for rewarding yourself for taking the initiative first, and then if the call does happen to be uncomfortable, to de-stress.
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steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
AlanaSuzanne, Here's my two cents... I would normally say try again but, it appears to me she doesn't want you in her life.
You have tried many times; she is making it clear how she feels.
Lyme life will never be easy, do your best.
I'm very sorry for you and your family, my kids have also lost family members and it hurts them all the time.
I'm sure you'll make the right decision, good luck but, don't let her keep hurting you and the kids!
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
momindeep thx for your input. I did leave her a couple of voicemails before I resorted to emails. But I guess another phone call is in order.
4seasons, yes it is hard to lose a good friend especially when we've been through so much sickness that she knows about. thx.
Keebler, good point about listening to the words and the tone in her voice.
I have never had her undivided attention. She has 4 kids so I understand that much. But they are all in their teens and 20s now so it isn't like it used to be when she had to attend to them immediately.
The thing that bothered me the most the past few years was that she'd call me back when she was on the way home from work. I felt like I was the distraction during the commute--like she was killing two birds with one stone. The minute she pulled into her driveway, the convo was over.
I wouldn't be able to meet her at a museum any time soon b/c of my own situation. She is an hour away. It is rare when I am able to escape for an hour or two.
CampOther, I like the idea of rewarding myself (whether I call her or not). Thanks for that. I don't think that way but maybe I should start
Steve, it appears that way to me too. But I feel that it isn't over just yet.
I am sorry to hear that your kids have lost family members. To me that's the most painful part. I can cut my losses pretty easily but my kids have connections to Jane and her family which makes it complicated.
It has always been very important for me to establish relationships between my kids and our family/friends. I always wanted to make sure that they have people in their lives when we are gone.
Thank you all for replying. I haven't called Jane yet but at some point I will. And I'll let you know how it goes.
I am overwhelmed with everything going on in our lives (though things are better now than they've been the past few years) so right now that phone call isn't a top priority.
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
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lymeladyinNY
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 10235
posted
I'm thinking of you, AlanaSuzanne. I still get daggers in my heart just going to my sons' elementary school functions and having acquaintances blatantly ignore me. They're not even friends and I STILL give a rat's behind.
I will be interested in hearing how things go with your phone call to Jane.
- Julie
-------------------- I want to be free Posts: 1170 | From Endicott, NY | Registered: Sep 2006
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I experienced the "ignoring" people at the schools before LD and cos entered our lives.
Mostly they were "powerful" women in their own minds who held the PTA positions. The majority of them were uneducated both in common sense and college degrees.
It seemed to me that far too many parents were interested in their daughters' popularity as opposed to what their daughters contributed to their communities.
I am glad to be out of the elementary school years. But I still encounter the same parents as I navigate the middle school years.
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
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posted
One more phone call nailing down a time to get together. If they are not responsive to setting something up, I would move on.
Knowing her background being organized and all, that was a lame excuse...and you know that she knows her calendar it is not a hard concept to grasp.
Hang in there, you really find out who your friends are, dealing with Lyme. I would have bet my life on some of them, problem is I couldn't find them to pay......
-------------------- IgM- 31,34,39,83-93 IND IgM- 41+
IgG- 31,34,39,83-93 IND IgG- 41++ Posts: 610 | From Lymeville | Registered: Nov 2010
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posted
Hi Fuel, thanks for your input. You are so right...considering she is so organized and knows her calendar so well her excuse was lame.
I think I am hesitating to make the call because I don't want to deal with what could be the finale to a 20+ year friendship.
Not to mention I am knee-deep in my own family's problems so it's hard for me to focus on relationships outside of that which require some work.
You are right...you do really find out who your friends are when dealing with LD or any major illness or life changing event. I'd have bet that a few would have remained closer to me, but I was wrong.
Love your sense of humor...you'd have bet your life on some but couldn't find them to pay. LOL.
Thankfully I do have a few friends who have stuck by us through thick and thin. They've been through their own thick and thin and we've stuck by them as well.
Maybe the answer is for people to just be very sticky?? Wow I really do crack myself up.
-------------------- You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
---Eleanor Roosevelt Posts: 748 | From somewhere | Registered: May 2010
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