posted
i finally found the reason for all my problms 4 yrs ago. i have had lyme now for over 23 yrs. im 35 yrs old with a beautiful wife of 16 yrs and 2 wonderful children, girl 6 and boy 4 1/2. I couldnt accept the fact she has been slipping away from me over the yrs. but it has been made clear as a bell as of yesterday-shes done. when i got diagnosed we both cried for joy because we finally had an answer for my misserable state of mind and health. we were excited for the new me. The treatments have been unsuccesful and i dont have the money to do the more aggressive treatments. as a teen i had trouble understaning why all my peers could do the active things they did. i just thought everyone was dealing with these pains and confussion. It made me stronger by trying to keep up. as life progressed i understude i wasnt normal. but i manage to act my way thru school without the support of my parents who told me "well if it hurts when u do that then dont do it". my condition clearly worsend but i managed to be somewhat succesful. i operate a small business in the constuction industry. unfortonatly the past 6 or 7 years i have quickly deteriated. treatment has made me worse and with my mind losing the battle i have been very depressed and suicidal, im only alive because of my kids. now i stuggle to work. im physicly unable to operate like i used to, the pain is dibilitating. i thought i was going to go thru a more aggressive treatment this winter with the help of maney peoples donations. unfortionatly i am looking for a new place to live because my house i being sold at auction by my bank. the "f" word,forclosure. my wife deserves a better life. there is a back story to add to the stress of our life. but not to run another rabbit, lets just say after all the yrs together she hasnt been the honest person i thought i married. i dont want to lose her on those grounds and im working thur it the best i can. im angery at her for this and it has made living with me even harder. i now guestion the love and dedication she truly has had for me. im even angeryer for her having kids with me. we waited 10yrs to have our first. and she knew i was not for a broken home. my kids are my world and they dont deserve to be punished for my wifes mistakes. now instead of finding a place to rent for us, im now on my own to find a place for myself. i know the best place for my kids are with her because of her steady job and the health to keep up with them. i cant predict from day to day what my condition is going to be. and i love them enough to let them go. i dont know if i will make it without seeing them every day and tucking them in bed. im very hands on and always have been. im the dad who loved to change there dippers. well maybe not loved but it was a privlage i didnt want to pass up. i dont want to let her go but i see the pain and anguish in her eyes and i also love her enough to say goodby. i just thought if she could see the damage she has done to our relationship she would be able to work with me. but she has the personality that no matter how u say it or spin it she thinks she is the victom and minimises her bad behavior. her reasoning for leaving me is all over the place. i dont think she is being honest with herself which is why reasoning with her is impossiable. but the botton line is i pushed her away instead of helping her. i would give anything to have a real 2nd chance to be more gentle and put her first. i knew god heard our prayers when we were little because our stories of life lined up with the heavens. god did his job and we didnt. i have never been the type to break up and get back together. and she knows that. i know i have lost my love of my life. freckles has been my life for 18yrs. i just dont know how to let her go.
-------------------- misdiagnosed for 19yrs until 2007 and trying to be positive for the future Posts: 21 | From mt.juliet tn | Registered: Feb 2011
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momlyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 27775
posted
I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are a man of faith... and right now that is what you need. You will find the answers you seek.
For now, use this site for the support you need.
I managed to read your post today... but some days I could not. I have trouble reading block text and so do many here. I am breaking it up for easier reading...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i finally found the reason for all my problms 4 yrs ago. i have had lyme now for over 23 yrs.
im 35 yrs old with a beautiful wife of 16 yrs and 2 wonderful children, girl 6 and boy 4 1/2.
I couldnt accept the fact she has been slipping away from me over the yrs. but it has been made clear as a bell as of yesterday-shes done.
when i got diagnosed we both cried for joy because we finally had an answer for my misserable state of mind and health. we were excited for the new me. The treatments have been unsuccesful and i dont have the money to do the more aggressive treatments.
as a teen i had trouble understaning why all my peers could do the active things they did. i just thought everyone was dealing with these pains and confussion. It made me stronger by trying to keep up.
as life progressed i understude i wasnt normal. but i manage to act my way thru school without the support of my parents who told me "well if it hurts when u do that then dont do it".
my condition clearly worsend but i managed to be somewhat succesful. i operate a small business in the constuction industry. unfortonatly the past 6 or 7 years i have quickly deteriated.
treatment has made me worse and with my mind losing the battle i have been very depressed and suicidal, im only alive because of my kids. now i stuggle to work. im physicly unable to operate like i used to, the pain is dibilitating.
i thought i was going to go thru a more aggressive treatment this winter with the help of maney peoples donations. unfortionatly i am looking for a new place to live because my house i being sold at auction by my bank. the "f" word,forclosure.
my wife deserves a better life. there is a back story to add to the stress of our life. but not to run another rabbit, lets just say after all the yrs together she hasnt been the honest person i thought i married. i dont want to lose her on those grounds and im working thur it the best i can.
im angery at her for this and it has made living with me even harder. i now guestion the love and dedication she truly has had for me.
im even angeryer for her having kids with me. we waited 10yrs to have our first. and she knew i was not for a broken home. my kids are my world and they dont deserve to be punished for my wifes mistakes.
now instead of finding a place to rent for us, im now on my own to find a place for myself. i know the best place for my kids are with her because of her steady job and the health to keep up with them.
i cant predict from day to day what my condition is going to be. and i love them enough to let them go. i dont know if i will make it without seeing them every day and tucking them in bed. im very hands on and always have been. im the dad who loved to change there dippers. well maybe not loved but it was a privlage i didnt want to pass up.
i dont want to let her go but i see the pain and anguish in her eyes and i also love her enough to say goodby.
i just thought if she could see the damage she has done to our relationship she would be able to work with me. but she has the personality that no matter how u say it or spin it she thinks she is the victom and minimises her bad behavior.
her reasoning for leaving me is all over the place. i dont think she is being honest with herself which is why reasoning with her is impossiable. but the botton line is i pushed her away instead of helping her.
i would give anything to have a real 2nd chance to be more gentle and put her first. i knew god heard our prayers when we were little because our stories of life lined up with the heavens. god did his job and we didnt.
i have never been the type to break up and get back together. and she knows that. i know i have lost my love of my life. freckles has been my life for 18yrs. i just dont know how to let her go.
-------------------- May health be with you!
Toxic mold was suppressing our immune systems, causing extreme pain, brain fog and magnifying symptoms. Four days after moving out, the healing began. Posts: 2007 | From NY/VT Border | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
thanx. i noticed everyone doing that. i had hard time reding it myself and i wrote it
-------------------- misdiagnosed for 19yrs until 2007 and trying to be positive for the future Posts: 21 | From mt.juliet tn | Registered: Feb 2011
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
Welcome to lymenet,Liquidnail.
Sorry for all you are going through.
One thing I have learned for sure....the many trials I have experienced recently have strengthened my faith enormously, which helps me alot.
Trust in God to give you the hope and peace you need and you CAN get through this.
Feel free to join us on the weekly "God Thought" thread here where we support each other through faith.
watch Joyce Meyer videos on Youtube...easy to find through a search. They are very inspiring.
Matthew 11:28 (NIV)
28 ``Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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i have been on all day. its nice to know that people understand without the fear of judgement.
thanku for your kind words and information
-------------------- misdiagnosed for 19yrs until 2007 and trying to be positive for the future Posts: 21 | From mt.juliet tn | Registered: Feb 2011
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
LIQUIDNAIL...Aw, dang...how awful for you. Let us know what happens, so we can help you along. Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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-------------------- sick since 9-09 igg, 18,23,41 reactive igm, 41 reactive Posts: 436 | From Kansas City | Registered: Jan 2010
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Haley
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 22008
posted
HI Liquid.
I know the pain in this situation is unbearable but you will make it through.
I highly recommend a book called "Love must be Tough" By Dr. Dobson. There may still be time to save your marriage. This book will tell you what NOT to do when trying to save your marriage. Buy it now.
My boyfriend of 8 years recently left me because he was tired of being with someone that was ill. He was also tired of my brain not working. he resented me for being ill.
During the last 3 years of our relationship he became good friends with a woman that had her health and her intellect. The rest is history.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Posts: 2232 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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posted
Do whatever you have to in order to get some treatment. You can't be a good dad or anything else if you let this beast of a disease win. Tell us where you are with treatment, your history of disease, we will try to suggest something. It is a difficult situation for sure. And we understand how people can arrive at this place in their lives.
Just hang on for now. Your wife may be leaving but you are still a dad. And that is a very good reason to keep going. If you can't see them every day, then call every day. Stay in touch
Very sorry about your situation and losing your house. This sounds very lame, even to me. Sorry, words are inadequate at a time like this. Lyme families are more likely to split up than other families it seems. So hard to cope with it all. Don't give up and don't make any decisions about what you will or won't do about your wife in the future. Just do the best you can now to part without saying things that will make the future more difficult. And go on trying to get treatment that improves your future.
[ 02-09-2011, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: lou ]
Posts: 8430 | From Not available | Registered: Oct 2000
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posted
im very thankful to have found this place. i have never been the type to use this type of self help. i have been missing alot.
as i read your comments and advice, it sounds so sweet and unerstandind in my mind. we all connect.
no matter how much a person says they understand what we are going thru, it will always be light years from the reality we truly are suffering.
Haley, im sorry for ur loss. he let someone special go. and so close to home with your story. i used to b the go to guy for everything.
smart, strong,funny,charming,quick to react under pressure. thats what she loved about me. i thought by believing i was still all that i would be.
i also believe she is ready to live a normal life that dosent involve a sick man that cant form sentances sometimes and is confused all the time.
in one weeks time i backed our durango into a tree.then on a snow day, i was doing what i had done for her in every dangerous condition.
i drove her to work. i crashed the truck. with our kids. and that finally made me question how much i should be relying on myself. thank God no ingeries.
my point is i cant fake it anymore. i look back and see that its been years that people have stop trusting me with there problems and have moved on.
it seems no matter how much i have been there for so mansy people and for so long, they dont offer to help me thru my rough times.
im pretty down today because i had to put my beautiful blue tick beagle of 14yrs down yesterday.
he is much better off now. no more pain. this winter was to much for his arthritas and his old body. i found him howling next to a tree in the 1 acre fenced area i have for him and a blonde beagle i have.
it had started snowing for about an hour and i went to check on them. he was coverd with snow.
his health has been going down fast for the last 2 years. and im the person that dont want my animals to suffer for my benifit of having then for just a little longer.
they have a heated dog shed. but he couldnt make it back from his pee break. i brought him in the house and we loved on him all day and night. we put him to rest yesterday at 3 oclock. i will miss him.
im sorry i rambled all over the place but it seems to help. thanks for listing.
jason
-------------------- misdiagnosed for 19yrs until 2007 and trying to be positive for the future Posts: 21 | From mt.juliet tn | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
Sorry about your dog. They can be almost family for people. And you sure didn't need anymore grief now.
Your experience with not getting help from those that might have been expected to offer it is common with chronically ill people, and the lyme situation is so difficult because we have to fight for a diagnosis and treatment and the insurance companies avoid paying. So hard on everyone. That is why forums like this can be life saving, keep us from going under. I can't imagine how I would have survived without online support.
Posts: 8430 | From Not available | Registered: Oct 2000
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posted
well said. this forum came to me when i thought it was over for me. i know i cant let my kids down.
i hope to build some good thoughts about myself thru this. and begin a new outlook on life. i used to write in a journal thinking it would help.
looking back on them i wounder now i have made it this far. its hard to b positive when all u have is your own thoughts. and lyme has taken over your mind.
this place gives me other peoples perspectives and experiances that i can relate to and reflect on.
it takes my mind off me and puts me in the position to feel for someone else again.
im the helping kind and i want to get back to that.
thank you
-------------------- misdiagnosed for 19yrs until 2007 and trying to be positive for the future Posts: 21 | From mt.juliet tn | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
I, and many others who read this, will be praying for you today. May God heal your broken heart and wounded spirit. You will get through this.
Posts: 246 | From south florida | Registered: Mar 2010
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I went thru nearly the same exact thing. I lost my finance because of multiple factors but it was definitely the Lyme Disease that made it impossible to overcome.
Don't believe the hype, love doesn't conquer all, not in human relationships. Lyme Disease has proven time and again that it can tear families apart and rip out people's hearts. Just apply enough pressure long enough, and people break.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
i have just learned how little love mattered in our marriage. it seems so easy for her.
but considering how little she tried to work on things was probably a big clue that she was not intrested in staying.
hind site is 2o/20.
-------------------- misdiagnosed for 19yrs until 2007 and trying to be positive for the future Posts: 21 | From mt.juliet tn | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
Jason, I can see where you come from. I have been dealing with the sickness for three years. Not nearly as long as you. And I have had a diagnosis the whole time. Still I have watched a marriage crumble. We were not a perfect couple, and never would have been. But we have been a mess for a year and some change.
The credit I try to float is that while she can not understand what it is like to be me I can never know what it is like to live with me. I am a shell of who I have been.
Like you I feel confused, a lot. I hide it well enough at work but at home it is hard to hide. And I don't want to hide when I am home.
Without wellness I know there is no solution. And since wellness is hard to find I am just pure uneasiness inside. I am sure you can relate.
I want to tell you I am thinking of you. And hope your tomorrow is better than your today.
Also I want to tell you that I think you are a beautiful writer. Like thoughts uncluttered. I hope you continue to write to feel better. You could find you can write to make others feel better also.
Good luck.
-------------------- enjoy the day.
-jmb Posts: 208 | From Maryland | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
jmb, the hardest part of dealing with this is we cant do it alone. if we hide it well, then it seems to indicate we feel better. even tho we r screaming inside for someone to hug (plz dont squeeze to hard) us and say its going to get better.
but if we reach out and try to talk about it, they take it as complaining and that makes us feel even more alone and out of balance.
my point is its a catch 22.
we need to b able to communicate our pain and uneasiness in order to fake it the next day at work. our unspoken thoughts can lead to bad advice and send us down a path of self destruction.
thats where this forum comes in. we r all alike. here we can say it however we can and they all understand with no judgement.
i find comfort in reading other peoples struggles because it makes me feel normal in a sence.
im not sure if u r still with her. but if not her, u have to find at least one person strong enough to listen to u. a water proof shoulder would be a plus also.
keep up your ability to fake it at work. because when work is not possiable, u are going to have more problems than u can imagine.
if u r a faithful man, dig deeper. if not, find God, he has a shovel for u.
i wish u the best.
jason
-------------------- misdiagnosed for 19yrs until 2007 and trying to be positive for the future Posts: 21 | From mt.juliet tn | Registered: Feb 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Jason, thanks for the well-wishes. We are still together. We see a marriage pro now, and I am hopeful. Not sure I have reason to be, but I tend to be hopeful.
I have learned to find care from a team of folk. And it has worked for me. I have reached out to some people, and told them how I felt even though how I felt made me feel worthless. Perhaps this approach will keep the marriage alive too. We will see.
In the meantime I do hide it at work. I am still able to do acceptable work, and people like me in general. I sometimes wish I could be more open but just do not feel enough comfort to do so.
I hope you are better than you were last week or the week before. Sorry It took so long to respond - I try not to be too regular on the boards.
If you want to talk, PM me.
-------------------- enjoy the day.
-jmb Posts: 208 | From Maryland | Registered: Dec 2008
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
Liquid Nail I LOVE YOUR FAITH AND YOUR SAYING "I LOVE THEM ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO". You inspired me!! Thank you for that.
Please surround yourself with friendship and love. Don't be alone at this time. See your kids as much as you can. Collect hugs from your kids and your friends, every day. Call a friend a day. In three words: Don't be alone. Please.
I also really believe in "Soul food". Feed your soul with the things you love and enjoy. Whatever those may be:
Good movies, music on the stereo, sports, books, photos, anything....
If you truly do feel suicidal and depressed, maybe consider talking to your doc about an antidepressant to take the edge off. Then you can deal with the grief better, without going suicidal.
And you can better deal with lyme dieoff therapy, later on.
I want to suggest one thing. It's not for me to give anybody any advice, and the decision is ultimately up to you. You know your own self best.
With that in mind, it would seem to me, at least if it was me myself, that to start lyme therapy now, at a time when you are already grieving and feeling suicidal, just may be too much.
Would it make sense to wait a bit, nurture yourself now, uplift yourself, and then to start later after the cloud passes?
I also want to echo someone else's words about couples' therapy. Even if you are splitting up, to have a neutral third party there to communicate unfinished business can be so important.
There was a time that I was sure my husband and I were going to split, before we got married. Long ago. I didn't think it, I knew it. It was over, and unsalvageable.
He was, just as you describe, full of denial about his own behavior and putting all the blame on me. YEah, a familiar scenario. We all know that dysfunctional blame dynamic from some people somewhere in our lives, don't we?
We had a good therapist who pointed out to him that "x is threatening the relationship" and he got it. He changed.
I didn't think he wouldn't. I knew he wouldn't change. I was wrong. Very wrong.
It brought us to a deeper harmony than we have ever had before, and we got married .Happily so.
That does not mean it's a guarantee for everybody else, of course. Some people really *do* remain in denial life-long, because it's too painful the face the truth. That we are not perfect. Who (especially anyone who has grown up in an over-punitive household as a kid) wants to admit being wrong? Needing to improve? No way, we are perfect!
We have to be! If we aren't, we are punished and we *are* wrong, right?
It's not that we *did* something wrong, it's that we *are* inherently wrong, true?
Therefore we can't be wrong. And of course, we can't change.
I know the dynamic well, because I have seen it, interacting with others.
Those are the people who are truly suffering. The ones who hurt us the most, are probably the ones who themselves are hurting the most inside. They have a bruised ego, a real problem with it. It bites them, and they lash out to protect themselves from the pain.
Someone else has to be wrong, just so they don't have to face themselves for who they really are. So they blame everyone else. For their own wrong-doings. Crazy rationale, eh? It doesn't even make sense. But there you have it.
I feel for you my friend.
Forgive her if you can. Remember that she is the one who is hurting, and probably also is missing out!
When we forgive others, we are spared a lot of inner pain ourselves.
It's amazing how much spirituality changes us. It changes the way we interact with others, therefore the entire outcome of the same darned situation is a different one than before.
Pray for her daily, and for your kids. You might be surprised what happens.
Please dont' take your own life. You will hurt your kids, deeply and forever, if you do. (Though they would surely forgive you too, and want to).
Please give yourself extra nurture during this rough time. Be easy on yourself. Lots of candlelight, music, friends every single day (by phone or in person), ask for hugs and confidence that you need, check in here....surround yourself with support, do things that uplift your soul, and you will make it through this. Beautifully.
Take good care of your body too, lots of things can be cut into when the body is well nourished.
Take care and be well! We will be thinking of you.
Who's to judge and what's to judge? NOte the tenor of all the messages above. We feel for you. Every single one of us.
It's all going to work out. When one door closes, it' s because the next one is opening. Who knows what riches, from within, it may grant you and lead you to. That also could not have happened had the last door not closed. It will lead you to a new life, a new destiny. And it's about to unfold for you. Watch for it, look for it, with curiosity and wonder. It will come and make itself apparent to you. Sometimes in retrospect, other times at the moment. But clearly, the new life will be there and hte new message in it. Just for you. Because that's how the universe works. Very personalized.
Haley
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 22008
posted
Thank you chiquita incognita. That is a profound message you have written. It has helped me to view my situation differently as I have also gone through a break up. I was sobbing all day today wondering what am I doing here. It is incredibly painful when you have been replaced by someone else. This is the second time it has happened to me.
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.
Liquid nail - I hope that you are doing better. I know that there is light at the end of tunnel.
Posts: 2232 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
Haley, I am so glad if this could be helpful! That truly makes me happy, thank you!
I hope *you* feel much better soon. What a painful situation, ouch!
I will never forget that same moment of betrayal, even though it was about 30 years ago. Some things just plain hurt.
Well onward and upward. It's much better to have someone who is kind and caring to you than to stick around waiting for the person who is not, and may never be there for you, eh? Ouch, ouch....move on, dear.
(That's very, very easy for me to say from the distance, isn't it? Oh yea, sure. I understand, my friend. I might even be upset with someone who said that to me if I was the one grieving! Please know that I really do feel for you. And you too, LiquidNail).
Things will get better. Things pass. Everything passes, and we do heal and we do become able to move on.
I think the more we can let ourselves grieve and cry, and feel our pain, the sooner the balloon deflates. It is when we "stuff it" that it remains...an inflated balloon. Haunting and invading our perception and feelings.
Let the grief out, cry, hug yourself, ask for all the love and support that you truly *need* at this time. Don't ever go this road alone, that's dangerous. There is nothing more dangerous than isolation, I believe. We are creatures of the heart and need love, that's all there is to it. It's our nature.
Be well and take care. YOu will get through this, but please be extra good to yourself. Extra, extra good.
And as one guy said to me many years ago, before I met my husband (who is the most wonderful man in the world, by the way):
"When you become the right woman for you, you will find the right man".
How well said. He was right, too. When I followed my life's first passion, that' s when I began to meet all the nice men, suddenly emerging out of the woodwork it seemed! And that's when I met my husband. Despite what I posted previously, he is absolutely the most supportive and kind man I have ever known. I am truly lucky. I believe it came from following my heart, and that' s when I no longer needed a man...and that's when I met him. That's how it happens, eh?
The same holds true for men. Become the right man for you, and you will find the right woman.
Blessed be, follow that heart in all things that you do, nurture your soul, fill your mind with good things, follow your path and be true to yourself. THen all will work out, and things will definitely heal.
Haley
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 22008
posted
HI chiquita incognita. I tried sending this to you in a private message but your mailbox is full. I'll just pour my heart on the page here.
I want to say thanks again for your words of encouragement regarding relationships. It truly has helped me!
Intellectually, I understand that eventually things will heal and life will go on, but emotionally it feels as if my heart has been ripped from inside. I have been through this once before but now I am much older and I also am dealing with Lyme disease. It's difficult to imagine even going on a date with a non-functioning brain, let alone actually meeting someone to spend your life with.
Don't mean to sound negative just want to say thanks.
I will send you a PM soon.
Posts: 2232 | From USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
Hi Haley Thanks for this personable message with such depth in it, and I am touched by that! I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am weeding out my mailbox so it should be receiving messages now. Feel free to PM me.
Liquid Nail, how are you doing? Feel free to PM me too.
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