What do you do when family members constantly try to force their alternative therapies onto you? And when you decline (because there isn't any evidence that they work, or there is evidence to the CONTRARY, or it makes you feel ill, or any other legitimate reason) they try to make YOU feel stupid? Like there is something wrong with YOU? Or the worse one yet, "You must not want to get better." ...
Because clearly, choosing an unproven and potentially risky "cure" over something that actually has hundreds of references to show that it does work, is just stupid on my part, especially when there is so little time to get adequate treatment. Yep, dumb me.
Please, I need suggestions, if anyone has any experience in this. I don't need to spend every day in a passive aggressive battle over whose right it is to decide what goes into my body. (Which is MINE, by the way.)
a very frustrated little olive
Posts: 512 | From USA | Registered: Sep 2010
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Hi to a fellow Louisianian.
I needed all of my energy to get well.
Not to battle with my family members, or spend time explaining how I felt.
I just gently closed the door to all negativity.
It did not make me the most popular one for a while,
But it did allow me to concentrate on treating my children and myself.
My family learned to respect my position and it allowed me to grow and heal.
I am an adult, married with children.
I am not sure if you live at home.
Sometimes that makes setting boundaries with others more difficult.
Try to conserve your energy for healing.
BTW, there is a support group in Southeast Louisiana.
PM me if you are close enough to be interested.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
I am an adult but I had to move in with family members this past July due to these diseases. It's a difficult situation when the people trying to force their views on you are also your primary caretakers.
I'm so tired of the attitudes, and silent treatments, and other subtle emotional manipulations, all because I choose not to take some random "cure all" instead of my proven regimen. I can't figure out how to get through to them that instead of trying to help, they're acting more like children, and hurting me.
As of now I just have to block them out... But I don't want to have to do that forever. It also takes energy to ignore them, and I would like their support instead of their condemnation.
Posts: 512 | From USA | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
I am guessing here that you see a doctor? You could always give the "Tell you what, I will run that idea past my doc and see what he/she thinks of it and let you know, thanks for thinking of me!" answer.
Yes, still passive aggressive, but at least it lets you off the hook, made the other person feel like thy have "helped" and that way if they ask you about it you can always say the doc said it would counter act with the meds.
Just a thought... Jacqi
-------------------- J Posts: 91 | From Northwest Indiana | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
That's a good one, and since I talk to my doc in just a few days I will run it by them and hope for an "excuse" since my reasons aren't good enough!
Posts: 512 | From USA | Registered: Sep 2010
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Rumigirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15091
posted
And you can use that one no matter what your doc says! That's a good one! Esp since you are living with them. That's a hard one. Have you had them see Under Our Skin? If not, that would be really good for them to see with you. They might get a better understanding from that.
If it is your parents, and if you think it would be helpful, maybe they (or one of them) could come with you to your LLMD and have him/her talk to them. If you think it would help and not hinder your appt time.
It would be so much easier if you could take a break from these family members, but that's not possible when you are living together, and they are caretakers.
Posts: 3771 | From around | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
Yes, we just watched it together last week! It was very informative for everyone and I really thought it would help them understand better, as you said. All the usual things you'd think would deter them from this constant "If you really want to get better you'll try this" just haven't worked. Which as many of us know, after they stop that about one thing, it goes on to the next... It's a vicious, unhealthy cycle that helps no one but I don't know what to do to get them to see that. I honestly thought more people would have a problem with it? I suppose most with Lyme are able to live on their own and/or with spouses, still, though. I was, up until last year.
Thanks for the ideas, and I'm still taking suggestions. Posts: 512 | From USA | Registered: Sep 2010
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quote:Originally posted by little_olive: I honestly thought more people would have a problem with it? I suppose most with Lyme are able to live on their own and/or with spouses, still, though. I was, up until last year.
Thanks for the ideas, and I'm still taking suggestions.
- I think many here have been helped by alternatives, so they would have a different viewpoint on the issue.
Hope you find a solution.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
Maybe I should add that I also take alternatives? I do both in combination, have for years, couldn't be without it. But my family seems to think their suggestions are more valid. What I use has years of science behind it, even, which is hard to come across as far as herbs and things! But they think I should STOP my alternative methods, and do theirs instead, if I really want to get better. The more I explain, the less sense it makes, really.
Ah well. Maybe this thread will be here in case someone else has this problem. Still talking to my LLMD this week.
Posts: 512 | From USA | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
Yes, I get this some with my family and friends. I have found that the only things that help are to do the well, I will have to ask my Dr. excuse (I just so happen to forget usually though, not really on purpose though) and just being like Ok, yeah, that sounds good..bla bla bla.
It makes the other person feel heard and they are happy. But I mostly ignore most people. I have had to most absurd things said to me and suggested....its ridiculous!
Or maybe it is valid but so mixed up. One lady from church gave me a paper once, I should post it on here. But it was so poorly done that all I could do was laugh and just lay it aside.
Posts: 265 | From Oregon | Registered: Aug 2009
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posted
Yes, it's strange how everyone manages to say and do the most hurtful things.
My own mother told my doctor that I needed a psychologist, and another told me I didn't eat enough vegetables and didn't pray enough.
My daughter's friend just phoned and told her that her own one day fever is much more serious than my daughter's Lyme and Babesia!
I feel like I just want to hate the world! So I know how you feel.
I think similar things happen when someone you love dies! People say and do the oddest and meanest things.
-------------------- I am not a doctor. I have no clue. Posts: 606 | From somewhere out there | Registered: Sep 2009
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
I'd just take the treatment they were telling me to try (But I wouldn't actually take it). Let them believe I'm taking it, then they're happy and so am I.
When it comes to **** like this I just take the path of least resistance. I can justify lying when it comes to my health. As long as I'm not paying, I don't care.
People have control issues when they feel powerless. They try to take control by doing **** like this. So when someone is sick who they care about they act like morons. It's best just to let them think they're not powerless.
Hell, that's what my girlfriend dose when I put on the macho "I'm the man" bull****. She lets me think I'm in the driver seat, but actually I'm in the damn trunk. It works though. It just....dose.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
Dogsandcats
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28544
posted
Just another thought....or two or more... As others have said, blame the dr. Say you will run it by the dr at a later time and thank them for their concern. I travel a long way to see my dr for a very short visit. Taking a family member who isn't with my program would take valuable time... At the end of the day, as long as you are able - you are responsible for your health choices. If you don't trust your instincts and go with what others are pressuring you to do, you are not giving yourself the best care. It is hard, I know. Be kind to yourself!
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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chiquita incognita
Unregistered
posted
Hi Little Olive (Stick with me, it gets better after this brief mention): I myself recovered from severe illnesses with nothing but herbs and diet, have studied formally and am very well-read about naturopathic studies and know how effective they are, and provenly so, contrary to popular belief...
And I still support you in going whichever medical way you feel most comfy with.
We all have to do what we believe in, and that is really important.
I validate you:
Your family has no business giving directives and firing emotional manipulations at you.
During a time when you need to heal, you need peace. You need support.
Have you told them this? Have you expressed how you feel? Will they "Hear" you if you do?
If they do not, you can't change them and hard as it may be, what you can do is to change the way you respond to them.
You can laugh. You can ignore. You can say "thank you" and continue right on with whatever regimen you are doing.
They probably mean well and may be coming from a place of love and concern. Maybe they are even scared, and need assuring. From you and/or from your doctor. I think a lot of control games come from fear. And they may not realize what an energy drain they are being for you. Maybe try and be compassionate toward them, and it will help you to feel more calm yourself. And they may soften their tactic too.
Remember that their behavior is trying to express a need, or trying to perform some function. It may be a way to manage their own fear and if you address the underlying cause, the dynamics may possibly soften. Or so we hope.
I support you from afar, I validate you and your needs from afar, and say to those others:
"Bow wow!" Which means, get lost...in humor language.
A chuckle a day keeps the doctor away: Try to laugh and let this roll off as much as you can!
Take care of yourself, and yes it is your body, and no, nobody has any right to tell you what to do with your own body! Absolutely.
Further, the stress from this tension may contribute to your slower progress. Let them know this, from the doctor's mouth if necessary! Maybe organize a family/doctor meeting and let the doc talk to them? There's an idea for you, for whatever it's worth. Best wishes, CI
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chiquita incognita
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Metallic Blue, I LOVE what you had to say! Bravo! Toot toot....best wishes, CI
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
Oh, and I also want to say one more thing about the herbal and alternative therapy issue. It's true that they work when applied correctly -- just like medications.
Indeed, ask your doctor if there are any alternative therapies or things he'd like you to do. You can in-fact run some of the ideas by your doctor just for kicks. If he wants you to give it a shot, might as well.
And again, take the path of least resistance.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Not able to read all of the posts. But did browse some earlier today and recall the phrase path of least resistance.
That stuck with me. But, when that person is in our life daily...sheesh ..what to do
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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quote:Originally posted by missing: or you could tell your family that they can book an appointment with your LLMD and go themselves to talk to your LLMD.
Then they are not wasting your appointment time with the LLMD.
They can pay with their own money for their own appointment to speak to your LLMD.
just a thought.
- With the expense of appointments, THAT should shut them up!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
don't know about your family, but my family likes to attack the person instead of the problem.
Let's just run away. Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I do know one person who moved in with family hoping to get help but got the old I will call the shots on what treatment you will be taking routine.
She moved out and in with a friend.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
Late response! I've been away from the computer for a bit, but you know how it is.
Thank you all so much for the suggestions. It helped to know I wasn't just.. overreacting? Is that the right word? And that some of the things I've tried might actually be worth the effort.
I do have dear friends who would let me live with them and have offered, but I can't put the burden on their family of having to take care of someone as disabled as I am. And for that reason I do try to have as much patience with my family as possible...as long as I'm not being attacked. Which as kam mentioned, it sometimes gets to that point in their desperate attempt to get their way. I know they are scared.
My inner psychologist wants to go on a ramble of how their behavior stems from a need to control a very dire situation, that's been falling out of all out hands, so I do understand where they came from, though as chiquita said, that's not justification for things getting out of control, which they were.
Ultimately what worked is them having renewed faith in what my doctor recently recommended. None of the above or combination of the above really "did it" to get through to them. However they were all great suggestions and I promise you, I've tried every one of them through this. They've "backed off" for now... Seeing me improve on what I'm taking probably helps!
I do hope it lasts, because it makes things much easier without the constant unspoken tension that infiltrates all of their interactions with me. I want to squeeze every ounce of happiness out of whatever life remains, and that wasn't helping me do that!
I hope this thread can be of use to anyone else going thorugh this as well, and know that I empathize with you
little olive
Posts: 512 | From USA | Registered: Sep 2010
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daisyrlb
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Member # 15686
posted
Little Olive writes, "I do hope it lasts, because it makes things much easier without the constant unspoken tension that infiltrates all of their interactions with me. I want to squeeze every ounce of happiness out of whatever life remains, and that wasn't helping me do that!"
Yes, peace and happiness helps with healing.
As I've read this thread one word comes to my mind again and again-BOUNDARIES.
It would be great if you, Little Olive, don't have to deal with this again, however whether it is this situation or another...the issue of BOUNDARIES will come up. I'll explain.
We are not able to control what another person says, does, or thinks...and we are not even responsible for what they say, do, or think. They are responsible for the way they act.
And we too are responsible, in the same way. for what we say, do, or think, and how we respond or react. This was very freeing for me to realize. No person makes me mad, if I get mad it is totally my choice. I do not give a person that power over me. I may have to go back and ask them to forgive me, but they are not responsible for my actions...only theirs.
So if a person is unloving, uncaring, and hurtful to another person, or IF they are just "trying to be helpful/forceful" that is their choice.
And I have found a way to protect myself from the "stuff" they throw my way, and my life, my health (mental, physical, and spiritual) stays on the right path and is not sabotaged.
This may seem strange but this helps me tremendously.
I imagine a fence around me (and that fence is Jesus). When people throw their "stuff" my way, it sticks to the fence and doesn't hurt me. It doesn't go into my heart, mind, or soul.
I do not even owe them an explanation or comment from whatever they say to me, "throw" at me.
Also, it is so freeing not to be defensive. I rather enjoy saying something they are not expecting me to say.
For example: In your case a person shares what you should do...they expect you to "make the face", not agree/or whatever. So you say,
"Thanks for sharing that, I can see how much you care for me."
And whatever they come back with you can say that line again or modify it, "Appreciate you sharing that."
If they say, "Well, are you going to do it?"
Say, "I just might. Thanks for sharing that." And can add "I'll run that past my doctor" or "I'll check it out. Thanks!"
Say, "I so want to get better, sure I'll check that out, and ask my doctor too."
Whatever (I could give a zillion examples) you get the idea.
It takes practice not to be defensive and say what the person isn't expecting you to say or do...and I admit...
I love the dumbfounded look on the person's face and their scramble for words when I did not get defensive and I did not respond with what they were expecting. (They were probably ready for their "come back" that they were not able to use.")
And that concept applies to any situation.
Yeah, keep the fence up high. BOUNDARIES is very good. And you'll get better, faster.
FYI, METALLIC BLUE writes, "Hell, that's what my girlfriend dose when I put on the macho "I'm the man" bull****. She lets me think I'm in the driver seat, but actually I'm in the damn trunk. It works though. It just....dose."
I like your girlfriend's BOUNDARIES and she's got spunk, and "you da man" Posts: 2188 | From Oklahoma | Registered: May 2008
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