Topic: its my 4 year anniversary of getting lyme and becoming disabled
merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
I just realized this time 4 years ago i was hit with lyme and instantly disabled. What a crappy anniversary. I feel like the ladt four years have been a complete waste.
I miss working hard at being the best vet tech you could find. I miss being able to help animals be more comfortable in my icu. I miss training new techs all my tricks. I miss being able to promote my kennel attendants to techs and teach them how to be the best. I miss my icu. While i worked there, it started as the least respected department in the hospital. They had very unskilled untrained staff. They couldnt even draw blood.
When i finally left, everyone wanted to work in icu. It was bthe most skilled department. they were excellent techs when i left. They were amazing. I had the department the way i wanted it. The techs not only could draw blood, but do iv placements and central lines too.
I was a tough boss, i had high expectations, but i was fair and generous and i worked hard right next to my nurses. I really.miss those days. While i was there, i helped.design a state of the art icu. Al the bells and whistles. it never got built while i was there. But i drive by the old place and they have started building it. It bums me out.. i am sure i.am a distant memory to those that work there, but i sure do miss it. It felt good to be highly regarded and and make a difference.
Now i am disabled, angry and pregnant. I am in bed 24 hours a day. What a friggin waste. This disease has robbed me of everything. Iam tired of it. I didnt deserve this, no one does. And frankly i am mad as hell. After this baby is born i am going to blast this lyme back to hell where it belongs. I am so done.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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Hubby and I can so relate. He passed his 10 year anniversary with his tickborne illnesses a couple of months ago. After 3 hospitalizations in the last 6 weeks he is starting to get really mad and I am back playing doctor -- while waiting for LLMD's and PCP's to decide if they can or will help life goes on and we make do the best we can.
Hang in there for your baby.
Bea Seibert
Posts: 7306 | From Martinsville,VA,USA | Registered: Oct 2004
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kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Ugh
enjoyed reading about when you were working.
Hang in there. Things will get better.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
Today is the anniversary of the day I crashed too. I was hauled out of a Mother's Day brunch, put in an ambulance and its been a wild ride ever since.
Hang in there though. You have so much to look forward to.
I am happy to report after 5 years I am symptom free as of about a month ago.
It can be done!
-------------------- unsure445 Posts: 824 | From northeast | Registered: Jun 2008
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Thanks everyone. I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. I kinda miss my old life! I dont think i can ever get used to being sick. I fee like,my body has let me down, although its been pretty tough.
I woke up feeing really sick today. I hope it doesnt last too long.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Hope things turn around for you very soon, merry.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Thank you. I just wish i was 38 weeks along and ready to have my baby girl! I love her so much already. She truly is a miracle. i had the iud and still got pregnant. All the drugs i take to be able to live i feel like i am poisoning her... i also had to have a ct scan while pregnant, so thats no good and i have lost 25 pounds so i feel like i am starving her, but she seems completly fine!! One tough kiddo!
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
This weekend is also my anniversary of becoming disabled from Lyme (one year though). Its going on 14 years since I was infected next month. I feel you on so many levels. Congrats on the baby! It is amazing how much our bodies protect the little buggars! After 3 miscarriages, my daughter (now 3) was a total miracle as well. And so far she is totally healthy!
Posts: 427 | From Pacific Northwest | Registered: Oct 2010
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And even through your anger and sorrow there is a voice still coming through that one day will again be a voice of someone with impact and purpose.
The way lyme has impacted me, one of the challenges of this is to believe in personal worth and purpose even when the things that I did, can no longer do.
or not at the same strength and quality or pace or passion. that has been up there in the top five awfuls of lyme & co. Taking turns in the number one slot with physical symptoms.
Even coming out on the other side you are changed and cannot go charging "back at it".
there is a future and a hope...often not felt, but nevertheless true.
-------------------- Not everything in life that can be counted counts and not every thing that counts can be counted...Albert Einstein Posts: 208 | From Northeast | Registered: Aug 2010
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Jane2904
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15917
posted
Sorry Merrygirl, I hope things turn around for you.
I do not blame you for being angry. It's been three years this month that we started on the Lyme ride with our daughter.
She has not been able to enjoy her young teen life. We never give up hope that one day her health will finally improve.
Hang in there and blast that Lyme, once your precious baby is born!!
Hugs
Posts: 1357 | From Massachusetts | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
I have been very angry about everything myself this past week..more so than usual...and I haven't been at this BS nearly as long as you!
I really hope things look up for you very soon, you've got a lot to deal with.
On another note, I think your career experience is awesome!! I've always wanted to be a vet tech or a vet. Just think, once you have the baby and keep going with treatment, you could be back to work again in the future doing what you love! It may not feel like it right now, but try to hang in there and think positive thoughts! Like you, I also miss my old life big time! I have to tell myself that I can get back there again and to keep pushing.
Take care..
-------------------- "The simple things can get you through the hardest times." Posts: 628 | From Connecticut | Registered: Sep 2010
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Thanks guys! Unfortunately, i dont think i could ever be a tech again. There are waaay too many germs that you get exposed to. I have ocd about cleanliness and germs. My co workers used to make fun of me for wearing gloves to do anything. I mean they would just stick thermometers up butts and not thonk twice, but i would put on everything but a hazmat suit!
The funny thing is, i am the one that is sick from the animals,.not them. I have had, leptospirosis, acute toxoplasmosis and lyme within years of each other. I think one more germ would just send me over the edge.
Not to mention you have to be sharp and physically fit. I am none of those things now. I used to do drug calculations in my head and wrestle rotties to the ground. I would be to afraid to kill a patient by making a mistake.
I am just not good at anything else. I dont know what i would do if i ever got well.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Oh and the ticks are endless. They pull them off of animals all day long. There are jars of them on the counters. I seriously have ptsd from ticks. I might end up in the looney bin if i dealt with them all day. Although i did remove one of my indoor cats head the other day. I handled the situation well i must say.. that tick had.a horrible painful death.
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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Tincup
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5829
posted
merrygirl...
I want you to hang in there and take care of you and the little one as best you can. Don't forget you can make a statement by painting your toenails in all sorts of designs while you are stuck in bed.
I am sure the little girl will laugh about it (how goofy you are) when she sees the pictures later.
And what is it about May anniversaries? For me this May marks my 25th anniversary of trying to educate the public and health care professionals.
Come to think about it, I am getting rather tired of the IDiots who don't listen and leave people to suffer.
Melanie Reber
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 3707
posted
Good morning Miss Merry,
Please know that you are STILL making a difference in the lives of many!!! I have seen how you help others, and the great information and compassion you offer. That is priceless!
Here is something I wrote a couple of years ago while feeling very much the same as you are now...
.....
Anniversaries, no matter what kind... carry such significance in our lives.
I found myself in very similar situations at my 4 and 6 year marks into treatment.
When I was first diagnosed... I read somewhere that with the length of time that I had gone undiagnosed and untreated... I was most likely facing 1-4 years of intense therapy... so I set my sights on that 4 year mark... just to be sure.
Now, if you read some of what I wrote back in those early days... you will find an unwavering optimism in every word, every thought, every answer to every post or email written. Four years was a long time, but to me... if that was what it took... I COULD do that... and I was determined to make the best of it.
So, when March 12, 2007 came rolling around... and I was still sick... I was simply devastated. That day was not any different than March 11th, but it hit me like a brick wall that came crumbling down at my feet. I felt so many emotions then... mainly though, I remember feeling such a sense of failure. Like I had somehow caused this to happen with what I may have done or not done correctly.
But even more troubling... was that I had no new goal to lean on then. No end date in sight. No small tidbit of proof anywhere that I could latch my new sights onto. All I saw surrounding me were more stories of more illness, more lives destroyed, more suffering... and I KNEW that this was NOT what I wanted my future to be about. This shook me to my core... and disrupted my very deeply ingrained beliefs of faith, hope and inspiration. I felt as if everything I had known to be true my entire life must be wrong... or how else could I possibly explain why this was continuing.
Had I not already learned what I needed to from this life lesson? Had I not already suffered enough? Had I not given every ounce of my all to this? What more was left to give? My life too? I simply could not comprehend why I needed to continue down this road.
It took a very long time to come to terms with that blow and with all the emotions that anniversary carried. But, what other choice did I have? I could continue to question the 'why' of it... or I could begin to accept the 'it just is' of it. Those were my only choices then.
Believe me when I say, this was not an easy thing to do. And I must admit that it took me what seemed like an eternity to choose to continue with this life. Somehow... by the grace of the powers that be... my guiding light began to flicker again.
No more was it ever as easy as just turning a switch off and on... it was now more like that proverbial old bulb hanging from a wire that one must handle with the utmost caution to get it to dimly emit any enlightening ray.
This was now my life... I was only hanging by a fragile wire somewhere. I needed, for the first time in my life... I NEEDED to be treated with the utmost of care and caution. Me? How could this be me? When all I had even known was being on the other side. Being the one who had always offered hope and unwavering faith to all my encounters with everyone.
It was only then that I finally realized... yes... there WAS more to learn here. F-ing Hard Lessons to learn, but non the less important. But what about that wall that lay in ruin at my feet? Was I honestly meant to try and pick up those dam bricks and try to rebuild it again? Seriously?
The answer that I finally arrived at was... yes.
And then it happened. March 2009. Once again I was hitting that same wall over and over again. This time though, the bruises were obvious. The pain was too much. The emotions were too intense. The wall... having been reinforced with new hopes and dreams... was taller than ever. But in time... it too came crashing down for all to see. That 6 year anniversary was unbearable. My mind somehow got in sink with my body and they both convinced my spirit that it was over.
I had no more hope that was so desperately needed in which to start the rebuilding process again. All I could see surrounding me were the countless piles of bricks and unending unopened bags of mortar in my path. Blocking every lame attempt to even start planning a resurrection.
Yet, even then... somehow... I eventually knew that I was in fact at a crossroad.
That so carefully constructed wall... well... it was only an illusion. One that I had created for myself. Walling out the realities of life as I knew it. And yes, walling in the possibilities. So, once those possibilities were used up... it would always come crumbling down again to expose more.
You see? It was at THOSE times, when I was stuck thinking my world was falling apart... what was really happening was that a way was being made to break through the confining wall. It was never good enough to stay within my own carefully contrived world. It wasn't ever meant to be that way.... not for me...
and my love... it seems... not for you either.
Posts: 7052 | From Colorado | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Must be the time of the year....my 5 year anniversary is this week also...for me though it was slow slide for 2 years 4 months until i went off the deep end...i am scratching and clawing my way back...i am still wokring but for sure it has derailed my career. thankfully my 70% is better than most people's 100%...but i miss being able to do my job with one arm tied behind my back.
Dave
-------------------- On my journey to wellness - One day at a time. Posts: 989 | From NJ | Registered: Sep 2008
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I'm so sorry for everything you've been through over the past 4 years. after being misdiagnosed since 1993, I first started treatment in April of 2007 so my timeline is very similar to yours. Until recently, I was unable to post on this site so you probably do not know who I am but I remember your story.
I remember when you were first diagnosed and starting treatment. I remember that you ended up in the hospital (was it heart problems? sorry my lyme brain) and have been in a lot of pain. I also know your treatment has been very rough emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, my story is similar to yours. I am also unable to work and disabled. I know it was very hard for you to leave your job, but I'm confident you'll be able to save many pets lives again.
I am an animal lover and my cat Chuba just had an intestinal resection and a couple of days in the ICU afterwards. If I wasn't able to talk to his veterinary technician I don't know what I would've done. I was so worried but speaking with her reassured me and I know she helped save his life. Kudos to you and everybody you have helped, I truly believe you will be able to help animals again. Always remember everybody you have helped because it is remarkable.
Since I was unable to go on this site for a couple of years because going on the computer made me have seizures so I do not know what happened to you for a few years of your treatment. I just wanted to let you know that your not alone and I am thinking about you. You'll forever be in my prayers. Take care of yourself.
Feel better and God bless,
Lindsay
-------------------- "One day at a time"
Current: -1.2 IM bicillin three times a week -1.25 IV Vancomycin every day -IV glutathione and IM B12 -Byron White since Jan. 2011 -ALA, Yasko protocal, Adapten-All, thyrosol, Pekano, phosphalipid exchange, probiotics, oregano... Posts: 390 | From FLORIDA | Registered: Jun 2007
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
Wow thanks guys! I had written this long reply the other day but it didnt post. It was probably a good thing since it was probably gibberish. After i tried to post, my hubby came home and made dinner. I had been crying all day, but tried to hide it from him. But i took one look at him and and a complete meltdown
My brain says no more meds. My heart says too bad suck it up.
You know i really did learn a lot from lyme. I learned compassion to people, not just animals. I learned empathy to people. Before this i would have been one of those people who think we are nuts.
I have also met amazing people, mostly on line, but some in person. Many of you have helped me emotionally and even when i didnt know how i was going to eat last fall, many of you helped me. For that i am greatful. But with that said, i m ready for this lesson to be over. I want to scream uncle!!
Its beginning to just feel like torture, no longer a lesson. I told my husband during my breakdown that most sick people get better or they die. They dont linger in the middle forever.
I remember at some point during treatment, that a baseball player got cancer. He got treatment, got well and is playing baseball again. But yet i am still not well! It boggles my mind!
I just dont know what else could possibly be learned from this.
You know i wont be pregnant forever, there is an end date. So that helps me get through. Plus i get a nice reward for my hard work.
But after i give birth i will still be sick, no end date in sight. That discourages me!
I am just tired of fighting so hard, i am exhausted.
Lulu i do recognize you. I appreciate your kind words. I was thinking that i would really like to rescue dogs, mainly pitbull terriers. I would love to have a sanctuary in the middle of nowhere where misunderstood and abused dogs run free, never to be hungry or in pain or scared.
So maybe i will never work in a hospital again, maybe i can help somewhere else.
I hope your cat is feeling better!
Hope you all have a good day, and thanks
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Merrygirl, Reading in between the lines, I just get overwhelmed with all the wonderful stories here.
What I did gather? You are hurting, I understand you sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! I'm sorry for you, really.
I worked in the medical field and loved working with ill people. My compassion for them was so deep, something I would hope people might experience with me and this Lyme disease.
Remember this: there is a time and a season for everything, just as when friends come and go in our lives. I have to say this to make a positive mark; you can turn this around by helping someone else, become an advocate like many of us.
I sit here with this ugly picc line in and everytime I look at it I am reminded how it has disabled me. Next month will be my disability hearing (I have been waiting 2 yr. and one month). I have fought long and hard for this, but I do have an attorney.
Please hang in there. People here support you and feel your pain.
Having my son was the greatest blessing in the whole world, I wish you the very very best!
HH
-------------------- I'm glad to know I'm not alone Some peace of mind I somehow find Through folks like you with Lyme! Posts: 240 | From An infected state | Registered: Jan 2011
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merrygirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12041
posted
thank you. The thing is i have become an advocate. I started a support group with another lymenet member in oct 2007. I am no longer able to do much or attend anymore.
i have to admit my heart isnt into it anymore. I am lymed out!
Posts: 3905 | From USA | Registered: May 2007
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