posted
My wife is kicking me out at the end of the month and divorcing me. I don't know what is going to happen with me as I have put everything I have into this marriage and our sons. Starting over without them, without being able to see my boys daily...just feels like my heart is shredding. I cannot say what I will do but if I feel the way I do at the end of this time....I cannot deal with the pain of this illness and the loss of my family at the same time.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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i can't imagine losing my spouse on top of this illness.
i know there's nothing i can say to make you feel better.
just know that i feel for you
i hope you are able to find the strength to make it through such a difficult time... please don't give up!
Posts: 442 | From usa | Registered: Oct 2010
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
That is harsh news Jon. So, so sorry about your situation. You haven't lost your boys, tho...a family member of mine only gets to see his son every other weekend, (Thur.-Sun.) but he has a wonderful relationship with his boy.
Is the situation the way he would like it to be?...no, it isn't...but he feels blessed anyway.
It is what you make of it...and he makes what could very easily be a negative into a positive and he does it for his son.
I hope that you don't feel like I am down-playing your feelings here...I just wanted to give you some hope in what seems like, to you, a hopeless situation.
Will be praying for you.
Sue
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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just don
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1129
posted
can you ask for shared custody so your 50/50 tme wize???
Any hope of reconsiling and not splitting up,,,do what you can and change what your able to.
Is it mostly cause your sick?? Thats way beyond unfair,,,and if she gets sick???
-------------------- just don Posts: 4548 | From Middle of midwest | Registered: May 2001
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posted
That is a tough situation and my thoughts are with you. Keep your boys in your thoughts always, especially when you feel you can't take anymore and remember they will always need you.
Something to consider, alot of fathers (and mothers) work so much that they only spend a few hours a week with their kids. Make your situation a positive one and use your visits to create lasting memories. When kids grow up they will remember the quality of time spent with parents/family, not the video game they got or the newest gadget.
Sorry, I've wandered off as usual...take it a day at a time. You obviously love your kids/family very much, I can't imagine the pain this is causing you.
I hope you have somewhere to go or other family that can help support you (emotionally). Take care and I wish you strength to get through this time in your life.
-------------------- Down on her knees, she wept on the floor. This hopeless life, she wanted no more. Dead in the mind and cold to the bone, She opened her eyes and saw she was alone. ~Seether Posts: 427 | From Rhode Island | Registered: May 2011
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posted
I am sorry that your wife is divorcing you...it must be devastating. Your children will need you now more than ever. They need your hugs and your reassurance that they will be o.k. Children do recover from divorce when they continue to have a relationship with both parents. They do not recover when a parent kills himself.
For yourself, find a therapist...there are ones in every city that will see you for free if you explain your situation. Also, be very kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would if this were your best friend in your shoes. Reach out to anyone and everyone that can help you. And JUST HANG ON.
-------------------- Misdiagnosed with CFS for 7 yrs. Diagnosed by LLMD in 2009. Aggressive treatment for 3 years with minimum improvement. Posts: 120 | From FL | Registered: Jun 2009
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dmc
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5102
posted
sending prayers for stength & peace to you in this difficult situation.
Posts: 2675 | From ct, usa | Registered: Jan 2004
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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karenl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 17753
posted
Stupid question: can you get a divorce if you are sick and the disease is the reason or contributing?
Because some alcoholics are protected because they are sick - the idea is if somebody is sick the person needs to recover first and needs help, not divorce.
I know a lady who could not get a divorce because the husband was alcoholics. She built a wall to divide the house. Now ten years later they are happy.
I have no idea about divorce law.
Posts: 1834 | From US | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
Your boys will never forgive you if you do something stupid. I never forgave my father.
Posts: 743 | From New York | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
Thank you all for the support. I was not trying to gain attention or sympathy but thank you again. I am doing my best to stay positive for my boys and I am soaking up every moment I can with them. My only options at this point is to move back to AZ with family as I have nothing. No money, no job as I have been out of work since Feb because of this illness. She says I have this month for her to change her mind but she is famous in her family for holding a grudge, we are talking years she has spent mad and not talking to family. She says it has nothing to do with my being sick, just a pattern of behavior she says I have not changed. She has asked me in the past to choose between our marriage and other things I did and I did choose our marriage for a while but forgot after time and went back to what it was I was doing. I have made what changes I can, have done what I can to show her I can change but I have little hope it will make a difference. I get the feeling this has been a long time coming and this is just a handy excuse to get rid of me. I just don't know. There is a sign that hangs in our dining room that says, "Forever and always and no matter what"...I guess forever just isn't what it used to be.......she is kicking me out two days after our 9th year wedding anniversary. Great timing...
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
I'm sorry for what you are going through and I know how difficult divorce can be. I have been separated from my husband for about a year and although the situation is much different, it has been the hardest year of my life.
However, things have calmed down a bit, and the children have adjusted and are doing well. I have had more heartache than a person should have, in my opinion lol. Although the kids are with me, the pain caused by a very angry ex has been unbearable at times to both me and the kids.
I am only telling you this because although our situations are different, it does get better, and everyone will adjust. You should just make sure you do everything for your kids that you can in order to make sure that they know you love them. Get as much time as you can with them. Get a good attorney because divorce brings out the ugly in people.
I am praying for you during this time...CB
Posts: 114 | From NY | Registered: Jul 2011
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Like others said, the boys will need you and any time you can spend with them will be important.
Do you have a good/new LLMD who will still see you or see you in AZ?
Please take care of yourself.
I have been through a lot of rough times, and back then, I would have never guessed some of the really nice things that happened after that.
Just hang in for now if AZ is the way to go for you at the moment.
And keep up your treatments!
-------------------- Persistence, persistence, persistence!!! "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence... Persistence and determination are omnipotent." attributed to Calvin Coolidge Posts: 599 | From USA | Registered: Jun 2011
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posted
I have not even gotten to see an LLMD yet as I cannot afford to so am not being treated. The docs are still running test but my neurologist is a great guy who is keeping his mind open about the cause of my symptoms. So there may yet be light at the end of that tunnel. I again thank you all for the support and well wishes though not to offend anyone I'm really not a big God person. Any time in my life that I have prayed for something (not selfishly either) nothing ever came from it. I have done everything I can do to save our marriage so the ball is in her court. If she really loves me as she says, then she will calm down and we can work this out. Otherwise it is our boys that will suffer the most and I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive her for that. Especially as there seems to be a lot more behind this than the $40 I spent. I have just about every family member and friend saying the same thing. They know how she is and they all agree there is something else at work here, she just wont admit it to avoid being the bad person as it were. I don't know.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
Your boys need you no matter where you live.
Hang in there, it does get easer as time goes on.
If you keep thinking this way, your disease is going to beat you, lyme and stress don't go together!!!
If you need to talk to someone, then do so,,,keep going forward in life for your kids sake...
If you can't afford to seek help, there are many sites online, including this one - we are all hear for you!
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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METALLlC BLUE
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6628
posted
The world keeps spinning on it seems, no matter how difficult things get. Ask what the "cost" effective options are for treatment. You'll get a long list of therapies that are affordable and do work.
As far as the marriage goes, I'm real sorry. No matter what the details are or who is right or wrong, the outcome is the same. So, I usually just surrender in similar situations like that. You can do your best and still lose. It's just the way it goes, but whether you try again, and or even keep going, that's something at least is a possibility you have some sense of control over.
-------------------- I am not a physician, so do your own research to confirm any ideas given and then speak with a health care provider you trust.
posted
I needed to get on abx as soon as possible.
My regular doctor ignored me for a couple of years, then my pain symptoms turned so bad that now I am bedridden and spend all day crying and screaming in pain.
I have been taking abx for 2 years, and my LLMD wants me to go on I.V.
I am worried for you. I don't want you to get as sick as i am.
Here is the kicker!
I had a great marriage and a great husband. Suddenly we were fighting alot and something was just not right.
his personality had changed.
suddenly, and thankfullly i realized that my husband might be sick with Lyme disease too!!!
He was! so he started treatment! and by this time we were near divorce!
His personality was still really weird and he was always angry and making a big deal about everything.
Thank goodness we had been married for 22 years.
I asked our LLMD to put my husband on Bartonella treatment! WOW! what a difference.
Within one week! our marriage was back to normal!
My husband is now sweet as ever. and when he was at his worse, he would flip from nice to yelling and swearing within an instant.
I have a few posts here, if you do a search under my name ---missing--- and you can read more about my story.
Do anything you can to get your wife to start treatment with you!
We even had our daughter tested because she had a list of symptoms, and she is sick too!
We have all had such huge improvements.
I am still screaming in pain, and am starting i.v. very soon! I hope!
Do whatever it takes to get treated.
Rack up the credit cards to pay for treatment! who cares! Save your life, save your kids life, save your marriage!
pm me anytime!!!! please get abx!
-------------------- I am not a doctor. I have no clue. Posts: 606 | From somewhere out there | Registered: Sep 2009
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posted
I thank you all yet again for the support. I have not given up, I just have no hope left for my marriage. She told one of her uncle just last night that there is a cold rage where her heart should be. She said she has no love or trust left for her husband,(me)....so I really don't think there is any thing I can do period about that. I would love to stay in state so I can see my sons regularly but I have no where to go other than the homeless shelter and not a dime to my name. When we talked on Friday just past she said she would not leave me high and dry but that is exactly what is going to happen. I asked if it was because I am sick and she said no. I asked if she had just fallen out of love with me and she said no again. She said she loves me and is in love with me but that does not fit with what she told her uncle. So lies to me so she doesn't feel bad? I don't know. And I don't believe she has lyme either...none of the other signs are present. Thank you all so very much. This has helped me more than I can say.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
Jon I think you have a chance to save your marriage but it will take some work. You can build broken trust up again. It sounds to me that your wife is just so sick of things that she has lost hope and it is up to you to show her that she can have hope again and that you are willing to change. Believe me it is worth it. There will be faults on both side but you have the most to lose and so I suggest that you take all the initiative to get things changed. If she sees that you really do love her and are willing to change then the ball will start rolling. That is if you do love her - you have not said so maybe this is the root of the problem.
Posts: 148 | From europe | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
Jon, I started on Minocin yesterday and it was only 36 dollars for a month's supply out of pocket
some drugs are not that expensive and they work, too!
not everyone has to be on IV - others, more experienced than myself, have said so
please get someone to prescribe you abx if you have the infections
maybe your parents have the 500 dollars or so for a first apt with an LLMD and then you can explain your situation and get some less expensive options from that doc
don't give up!
-------------------- Persistence, persistence, persistence!!! "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence... Persistence and determination are omnipotent." attributed to Calvin Coolidge Posts: 599 | From USA | Registered: Jun 2011
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posted
mati....she has made up her mind and now has a sexy woman that has a crush on her. Her words. My wife has always been more interested in women and now that she is kicking me out she has the chance to have what she wants without me in the way to complicate things. As far as showing her she can trust me...she always said it was ok to smoke, always supported me in that. Trust is hard as I think she has cheated on me in the past though solid proof is lacking. I am not the only one that thinks she has. Friends of ours have expressed concern on that issue more than a few times. Now I am going to be lonely yet again while everyone around me is happy with love...really hard to relate anymore. I have called a suicide prevention line and will try my best to work through this. It is hard because I have been dumped time and again and it is hard to believe any woman will ever want me. I thought I would grow old with my wife and we would be together forever....forever is just not as long as it used to be.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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James1979
Unregistered
posted
Jon, I don't understand why you think everyone around you is "happy with love". All of my married friends do nothing but complain about their spouses!! I'm not kidding.
The trick is to learn how to be happy when you're alone. I'm single and very happy. I don't feel like I'm lacking anything in life. I have way more free time than my married friends, and I have way less stress in my life. In fact, I couldn't imagine feeling any happier than I feel right now.
I'm not saying that married people aren't happy... and truly, SOME of my friends are happily married (although it's definitely a minority). I'm just saying that it's not impossible to feel happy and complete while you are alone.
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posted
Well James, I guess it is the feeling of not being good enough for anyone. I have been discarded like a beer can so many times I cannot even count them anymore. I was a hollow man with a heart of iron when I met my wife and I fear returning to that state of mind. I know I have issues to work through and I am trying to get the help. It is just the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with thus far in my life and trust me, there have been some seriously bad things in these 40 years. This just takes the cake so far. Yet again, thank you all for your help. It is helping to keep things in perspective.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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James1979
Unregistered
posted
If I may humbly offer a small piece of advice: Please try not to think or feel that you are "not good enough for anyone". This is a very damaging thought, and it will knock you down. Every time you have a thought like that, you are damaging yourself further and making your life more difficult.
Try as hard as you can to think positive thoughts. It makes a HUGE difference! Think about all of the things you should be thankful for.
Put things into perspective: How would you like to be in China working in a sweatshop? Or in the slums of India where they drink black water? Or in Africa where there is famine?
I know you are suffering with your life circumstances and with Lyme, but it helps a ton to try to think positive thoughts. One positive thought is more beneficial than winning the lottery.
The problem is not that you are not good enough for anyone, the problem is that you THINK you are not good enough. If you struggle to change your thoughts, your life will become easier.
posted
I am trying to do that. It is not easy but I am trying to remember what good things I do have to offer this world and not focus on what little good I am lol. I am focused on the 29th or this month which is when I see my neurologist. I am going to tell him everything that is going on and I do mean everything. I am attempting to get counseling to get through this and to help me come to terms with my issues so I can become a better man and dad for my sons and myself. Thank you all so very, very much. This is hard enough by itself but combined with my illness ....damn hard.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
Well, that is that..made the mistake of asking her for the truth about her and this other woman...kaboom...ten years gone. No reprieve, no chance of fixing things...just gone. I hope she can get help with her anger by the time our sons are teenager...if she thinks I ****ed her off...wow...Hanging on for my sons sake but how long...eh, accidents happen. Thank you all for your help and guidance through all of this...
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
I understand you feel inferior. I often do. If you have a long-standing infection, your sick self is inferior to your well self. Or at least mine is.
Be the best you can. Easier said than done, I know. But don't take if from me; I recommend time with a mental health pro. And of course someone to treat the infection(s) - even a well-intended neuro won't cut it without Lyme experience.
One last point. I have had some low-down times with the disease and with marriage. And I will admit that at times I have used our kiddo as (the one) motivation to push forward. And it worked.
However, I decided that I would resent him if I continued to do so. Will you? I don't know. But for me I have decided to push forward for me.
-------------------- enjoy the day.
-jmb Posts: 208 | From Maryland | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I have decided for good or ill I will take care of myself and fix my issues before I can move on. I have never taken responsibility for my faults nor faced them before now. I know I am a good man and a good father. I want to become better so I can rebuild my life. I have started down that road already and that was the hardest part.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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momlyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 27775
posted
Jon, that reminded me of a quote that I heard the other day:
"Forgive yourself. The supreme act of forgiveness is when you can forgive yourself for all the wounds you've created in your own life. Forgiveness is an act of self-love. When you forgive yourself, self-acceptance begins and self-love grows." - don Miguel Ruiz
I posted this on facebook and a friend of mine commented "All forgiveness is self forgiveness." I found that to be very profound.
I wish you the best on this journey.
-------------------- May health be with you!
Toxic mold was suppressing our immune systems, causing extreme pain, brain fog and magnifying symptoms. Four days after moving out, the healing began. Posts: 2007 | From NY/VT Border | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
I loved that quote! I am doing better so far, taking it one day at a time...self improvement is progressing a bit at a time. I have the love of my sons and friends who care so I will be okay in the fullness of time. Thank you all for your support and well wishes.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
Just a thought here - maybe we are too judgmental - what if we could just be who we are without putting a judgment on ourself as enough or not enough? Just to be with our life process? To stop the labeling.
It becomes more of a witnessing experiencing then. Breathing is a good place to start. Noticing inbreaths, outbreaths, start there, and then start noticing other things nonjudgmentally.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I have spent two days in the hospital for chest pains that the doctors could find no cause for. I fear my symptoms have taken a turn for the worse. Having said that, The future is unknown, unwritten and the dice yet spin. Tomorrow is not here yet I shall face what comes with the dawn each day.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
Don't givE up, Jon. You realized the first important thing in one of your lasts posts, you have to focus on healing yourself right now.
If you have Lyme you have to realize that you are not completely yourself right now, it truly changes you and your ability to make decisions and you won't see that until you start to get better.
Missing, I can relate to your story. My wife and I had a relationship that you would read about in fairy tales. We had our issues, but no matter how big or small we worked things out.
Almost a year with Lyme without proper treatment and our house was a nightmare. Constant fighting over every little thing, it got to the point where we were doing things to hurt or annoy each other.
I personally became a landmine, so unpredictable and ready to explode at any second. I had so much anger and had no idea what to do with it.
I hated my wife, I hated my child, and I found interest in nothing anymore. A few months of abx and it is gone, I have the unconditional love and dedication to my wife and child that I once had.
My wife has also went back to her sweet self. Our marriage is not where it was before, we are stronger now and continue to grow closer every day.
Lyme can have a serious affect on all aspects of your life and it begins with relationships with yourself and others.
Posts: 80 | From US | Registered: Aug 2011
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posted
Sadly no all my issues are related to lyme. My wife has agreed to take things a day at a time in order to see if we can fix things but says she doesn't know if she has the strength to repair her heartbreak. A friend of her's recently told me that my wife fooled around with said friend's brother some two years ago. My wife of course says otherwise but why would this lady lie to me. Now the hardest thing is knowing if I can trust my wife again. I know I need to let go the past but if the future is balanced on a lie, how can it be a healthy one? In the end I am left with more questions than answers.
Posts: 98 | From Maytown PA | Registered: Apr 2011
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