posted
I haven't talked to this girl in years probably 7-8. She was (and i still consider her to be) one of my best friends.
in 2005 we went our separate ways to college for the next 4 years, where i discovered i was really really sick. I've been treating now since about 2010.
I'm making great progress but to say the least I'm not the normal 25 year old smart successful woman i should be at this point.
As much as I don't want to make my illness a big part of my friendship it's going to effect it in many ways!
So.... where do I start???? What do I say and when?
How do I explain not reaching out to her for so long as well?
I'm nervous to talk to her!
cant drink and really
Posts: 15 | From Central NJ | Registered: Jun 2012
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posted
the 'cant drink and really' is a typo... please disregard! Posts: 15 | From Central NJ | Registered: Jun 2012
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- You say: "I'm not the normal 25 year old smart successful woman i should be at this point."
Who says? What's normal?
While there is sadness, disappointment and all else that goes with having a serious illness alter our plans, it's important to have a talk with our egos and reassess priorities and values.
Your road map changed. You are managing. That's normal - and successful.
2. How you you explain why you've not been in contact?
Just put your cards on the table. You've:
"had some health challenges and that just took a lot out of me. But, right now, it's just great to see you and hear about your life."
3. Drinking should not be of concern, lots of people don't drink - or if they do, not every day or not every time they meet up with a friend.
You are "successful" when you take care of yourself and refrain from alcohol.
Too much sugar can be an easy explanation but, really, that need not even be a blip on the screen. Just order iced tea (no sugar). Take a few packets of Stevia.
[Of course, not a "tea" with alcohol. Clarity really matter there. A "Long Island Ice Tea" was once a real surprise to me! Who knew? Not I.]
If you have ANY sensory concerns, you must tell her before you meet as that may dictate where you meet to begin with.
Sound, lights, camera flashes (sadly ubiquitous now), even chemicals may influence your choice of meeting place.
If you need to, do feel free to ask her to avoid wearing any cologne or scented products.
You could meet at a museum, art gallery, park, etc. Where are you comfortable?
As far as a meal, select a place with a menu that you know will work for you and stick to your healthful food plan.
Whether or not you have sensory issues that might need to explain any limits to venues she may suggest, I suggest telling her on the phone in advance - or by email.
It's vital to be honest and concise. You don't have to get into lyme but say that you
"have a complex chronic illness that affects your endurance"
and that (if true) has you needed to avoid certain busy or noisy environments. Balance that with "it's better for conversation, anyway, to meet somewhere quieter."
I do the "Oy, Vey" list very quickly if they want to know more and then quickly shift focus to THEIR activities, etc.
But, really, this is not about activities either of you pursues, achievements or any of that. It's about two friends getting together. That's about as real as it gets.
Just be your true self that you've become inside. Even if your body has weakness, YOU have become a strong and determined person to have come this far with what you have on your plate.
I say do not deny or avoid adequate mention of this illness but you don't have to make your friendship about this at all. It's the hand you've been dealt. Don't assume guilt or embarrassment about that.
It is what it is. You are who you are dealing with what you are dealing with. Cards on the table, you are still quite capable of taking about all kinds of matters of the world and what's important in your friend's life.
Ask questions. You can guide the conversation where you like to a degree. But also answer questions if she has some about your health.
Any good friends would like want to know more but will take your lead in the amount of time put toward this.
Two minutes seems about right to outline the discovery process and how you are "learning so much" now. It's an important facet of your experience - life long learning - running the obstacle course of life. Just look at it that way.
Also keep in mind that maybe she's not where she thought she would be, either. You don't really have to talk about either of your lives, you know. You can talk about the world - music - etc.
Think of a few things in the news, in the world that you might enjoy discussing. You can dream about how you'd like the next so many years to go but first, give some thought to how others live all around the world. That really helps put it in perspective.
I hope you enjoy your reunion with your friend and that it's a fulfilling exchange. -
[ 07-19-2012, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Lotus, this is a tough one. I recently got back in touch w/ a great friend from my college days. He was always like my big brother and protector, then we drifted apart for a few yrs and just recently in the past few months starting speaking again.
We met up and saw each other for the first time in years last month. I met him at the train station and he took one look at me and started to cry saying, "what happened to my girl?" And I just laid it out to him and told him, "johnny i have been sick" and i explained how I have lyme and lotsa coinfections and how they have ravaged me, but that I am working hard to try to get better.
He was incredibly understanding and with that discussion out of the way, we moved on to having fun and catching up and focusing on other things. So my advice would be to have the discussion right away. level w yr friend and tell her that you havent been in touch because you have been fighting for your life against a virulent illness, and that even though you aren't where you wanna be in life yet, you are improving and working everyday to get better.
I hope yr friend is as empathetic as mine was. Keep us posted as to how it goes. All the best. Jess.
Posts: 651 | From ct | Registered: Sep 2011
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Before going, you might want to check in with yourself, so to speak.
It's important to understand what you expect from your interaction. Often, if we tell them how devastating this is, they are shocked and thrown for a loop. It may be best to mention this on the phone as you arrange the logistics for your meeting.
But, back to the dynamics. Are you wanting their support, empathy, engagement on any level? Or are you just sharing a synopsis of this chapter of your life as background detail.
Be very clear if you are in need of emotional support. I'm not saying that's bad but be sure the degree and type will be in context of the relationship.
If we don't think about our intentions in what and how we communicate - beforehand - we can trip down a confusing alley. Stay balanced and clear. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Hey Lotus, I'm about your age and have gone through this too...
I am just pretty honest but brief when i tell people i've not seen in a while.
I just say, the last few years I've been having health problems, i have Lyme Disease, so I basically have had to put everything on hold to try to get healthy--and I'm still in the middle of it right now.
Then answer any questions she has. Like Keebler was saying: don't expect her to "understand", but feel comfortable sharing your story with her.
Posts: 844 | From CA | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
I lost touch with my best friend at universtiy, and I was even her maid-of-honor. When we reconnected we both had lyme (bites from different parts of the country.) So, small tick-infested world! Posts: 482 | From Oregon | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
I was just going to add what Otter just said, that once in awhile, it can take us by surprise when the other person also has it or has been personally affected by the epidemic in some way.
It can happen, and then we find ourselves commiserating with one another instead of feeling all alone and not understood.
The proof is in the pudding, as in finding out what their response is when you tell them you've been dealing with Lyme disease.
I take it a step at a time, and see what their response is and gauge mine accordingly, as in do they know about it or not.
Posts: 13117 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
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I had a tendency to avoid people (and still do sometimes) since my illness makes me feel like I'm a burden.
Some days I'm embarrassed for not being where I feel should be at this point in my life.
My world was becoming smaller and smaller and I kept thinking "when I get better I'll be able to reconnect with this person or that person" but life was passing me by.
The truth is no matter how much treatment I go through, I may ALWAYS have to struggle with this disease.
But in between the headaches, sleep deprivation, and herxing battles, I can really be a lot of fun for short periods of time!
So I started reconnecting with old friends, and some were very happy to have me around even though my lyme-ridden lifestyle can be a royal pain in the butt.
But some didn't understand and had a hard time dealing with it and that's ok too.
I have had similar experiences as some of the others who have posted in regards to reconnecting with other lyme sufferers.
I got back in touch with a very close friend from HS who turned out to be very ill but didn't know why and because of me she was tested for lyme and now we are in this together!
All you can do is be honest about your situation and see where it goes from there.
Best wishes!
Posts: 8 | From Tx | Registered: Jul 2010
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