posted
Hi All - I was diagnosed in May 2011 with active Lyme disease via western blot. IgM 23, 39, 41. I am on oral ABX. Thankfully, I am able to work full time. My Lyme symptoms are frustrating, but not debilitating.
I recently started dating someone. I always struggle with when to disclose that I am positive for Lyme and treating with ABX.
I don't want to freak him out by telling him, but I also don't want to wait so long that he thinks I misled him by not disclosing sooner. I also have HSV2 and always struggle with when to disclose that as well.
My therapist asked me why I continue to try to date when it just sets me up for potential rejection for these two issues. Some crazy (or hopeful) part of me thinks maybe there is someone out there who will accept me in spite of these issues. But I know they are pretty big. I hope I am not fooling myself.
Any advice for when and how to disclose either or both of these issues? I want to do in the right way and right time.
Thank you!
Posts: 52 | From Central VA | Registered: Jun 2011
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posted
Axspetants, this is a really difficult one. I think that the key is seeing how far things go. I do think its admirable of you to keep yourself out there in the dating game. Your therapist is correct that you are setting yourself up for potential rejection but there is potential rejection with everything in life. I personally have not let lyme stop me from dating or being intimate with people but it is a delicate balance.
I honestly don't know if there is a person out there right at this moment that will accept you fully with the things you are battling, but I think that your approach of getting out there and trying for that is infinitely better than not attempting to find some happiness with a relationship at all. best of luck to you. Jess.
Posts: 651 | From ct | Registered: Sep 2011
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Rivendell
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I think that it is okay to have these illnesses. If others can't accept them then that says a lot about the person, because relationships are easy when things go well.
But guess what, life is always throwing us curve balls, and that is when we find out what we truly have with people. A really good person would be honored to be by your side when you are down.
These illnesses are a good gauge for people. Trust you judgement and intuition.
Of course there is a good person out there who will understand all of this and even want to help.
Posts: 1358 | From Midwest | Registered: Apr 2009
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
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posted
- Best done before any serious kissing might occur. NOT that kissing can transmit lyme (not sure about HSV2) but it's just rather personal and the other person might want to know before sharing any bodily fluids. They might feel more cautious and it's important to recognize that.
But, that can be tricky, at best.
I admire you for taking care of your heart & spirit -- seeking good companionship. And you will likely be an excellent gift in another person's life, too. Even with health challenges.
If you are really interested in this new flame and you sense they are into you, I suggest calling and scheduling
a walk in a park, somewhat public but private enough to sit down at a bench and have a conversation about
"health challenges" that you face right now. [THEY may have some of their own, by the way.]
Drive or arrive separately and meet up.
If it goes well, great. If not, then either of you can then get up and move on your way but you have a park atmosphere to help buffer what ever emotions may surface.
Remember, too, their reaction will tell you a lot about their character.
You should offer to give them some time to think this over, ask questions of you, go to a particular website or two that you have on a card for them to take with them, etc.
If there is some kind of event at the park or location you choose to then ease out of that seriousness, that will help whether you spend some time together after your chat or if not (YOU can divert your attention then).
An art exhibit, a music event, etc.
Best to not make this part of a nighttime romantic date. An afternoon or early evening is best to keep it light. Daylight hours help that. Less pressure on you both.
Remember: no expecations; no pressure; no demands for an answer at that time - or really ever, I suppose. The answer will come soon enough one way or another.
And, even if he gives you an fabulously positive answer right then and there - hold on. THAT will not necessary be how he REALLY feels. This sort of thing takes a little time so be give him some time and don't go jumping over the rainbow right away.
I cannot stress the importance of this:
Take some healthful nuts with you to share. The nutrients will help, really. And a bit of dark chocolate (72% or higher).
[Unless he's allergic to either.] When we are under stress, our brains can shut down. Some healthy snacks, maybe a cup of tea can help. Green Tea is very balancing.
Avoid a daze.
Do not have this conversation if he's drinking any alcohol at all. You need his alertness, his true self so he is able to register and process this. You may not get an honest reception if alcohol influences his brain even in the slightest.
This is also why I do not suggest this conversation by phone, especially if at night.
After your planned walk in the park or similar excursion, plan that night to meet up with a friend and do something enjoyable. Or the next day - but plan time with your friends in advance.
This will prevent you from lapsing into spending more time with him that day - you both really will need some space -- and it's give you a healthy outlet for "aftercare" so to speak. -
[ 09-11-2012, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
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- You said: "My therapist asked me why I continue to try to date when it just sets me up for potential rejection for these two issues." (end quote)
I think you are going to the wrong "therapist".
I think that "therapist" is in the wrong profession. They are no therapist with that attitude or terrible advice.
A good therapist would help you explore ALL your issues about dating, self-worth, expectations, hopes, dreams, and realistic but POSSIBLE outcomes for a rich and full life, even with ANY health challenge. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Keebler is absolutely correct about your therapist being a terrible one, btw. Definitely seek another one out. Jess.
Posts: 651 | From ct | Registered: Sep 2011
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lax mom
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posted
I agree with Keebler and chastain.
Fire the therapist and find one who will support and validate you.
Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
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posted
- I forgot:
When you go for that walk & talk, be sure to take your HUMOR with you. hold it close and let it run with you at all times appropriate.
HUMOR and PERSPECTIVE are absolutely vital. Absolutely. Have a little fun along the way.
If you need some help visualizing how this should go for both his comfort and yours - "channel" traits of a well known person (or character) whom you admire for their skill in such circumstances.
But, really, just be your own true and honest self. That kind of light is your best guide. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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From my own experience, I just started dating my now husband before I got sick in 2006.
A few months later I got sick. He married me anyway in 2008 before my Lyme dx but with FM and lupus dxs.
It is definitely possible to find the love of your life despite your health issues.
Posts: 331 | From West Coast | Registered: Jan 2012
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randibear
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posted
i think your therapist stinks...
as for telling people, i would not tell on the first date. you don't really know them at all and i'm not one to open up to strangers. and a couple of dates is still a stranger.
i'd wait for a while before even bringing up health. often you can skirt around issues and find out how they feel.
say bring up handicapped friends, etc., whatever, as a fishing expedition. no harm done but it might clue you in to how they think.
believe me, if i would only have done this, things might have turned out differently for me.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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I met my husband around the time I first had problems in 1998. And I fell head over heels.
I told him very matter-of-fact and didn't make a huge issue about telling him. I told him I was nervous to tell him, but since I didn't make a big deal about it, neither did he.
For me, I never let lyme run my life.... never let it define me.
You don't want to overwhelm the guy, but the way he handles things will tell you a lot about him. The more you get to know each other, the more you can reveal about your health. Nothing can replace a good foundation.
posted
Oh and when I was dx with HSV I was horrified... but my doctor told me 80% of the population carry it. He said, "I'd be more surprised if you DIDN'T have it."
Many never know they have it, but another illness or compromise in the immune system can bring it out.
Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
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posted
- Offer to put the song "It was so easy then" by Carly Simon on his mp3 player.
It's a great song to revisit from time to time with a good "Oy, Vey!" eh?
Even for those young now who may not know Carly Simon, this song is a classic for all time, taking us back to when things were just easier - or so it seemed. And it helps me clear the clutter when things get too complicated.
KISS - Keep It Simple, Sweetie -
[ 09-12-2012, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Judie
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"My therapist asked me why I continue to try to date when it just sets me up for potential rejection for these two issues."
Gosh, that sounds like a very cruel thing for a therapist to say.
You can DEFINITELY find love and date. Hell, I was completely disabled and debilitated when I found my mate. A DEEP man will value you beyond any illness.
Everyone has something going on in their lives (financial issues, family problems, crazy exes etc...).
I know some people who tell the other person IMMEDIATELY about their illnesses just so there isn't the stress of waiting. I know people who have gotten married and did this.
Sorry but your therapist is clueless.
There are pluses and minuses to waiting. Personally, I wait to disclose health stuff. I try to gauge if the person is trying to get to know "me" or is trying to find a woman to fill a "role" in his life.
Sure, some men want baby makers and health issues can be a turn off for them. You wouldn't want a guy like that anyway.
I remember there was one guy who told me right off the bat about his health issues. I appreciated the honesty.
If I ever had to date again, I would mention I have "health issues" without much detail if there's potential for the relationship growing. I would disclose more info if he seems open to hearing it, BUT I would guard my heart and know that he might leave so I wouldn't wait too long to get entangled in a relationship to mention it.
I don't have an exact time frame to give you since each relationship progresses at a different pace.
If sex is entering the picture, then by all means mention it BEFORE that happens.
Good luck.
Posts: 2839 | From California | Registered: Jul 2012
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lpkayak
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posted
i agree...get a new therapist
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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glm1111
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Member # 16556
posted
I know two cases personaly of healthy people getting into serious relationships with people who were sick.
One had gentital herpes and the other had HIV. Both healthy people were professionals. One a cop and one a nurse.
In both cases the healthy persons "fell in love" with the unhealthy persons and became involved in long term relationships.
It seems that the heart was the defining factor in both cases. Just thought I'd share and give you hope, that it's about "LOVE".
P. S. In both cases the people were honest from the beginning. Find someone that loves you that much.
Gael
-------------------- PARASITES/WORMS ARE NOW RECOGNIZED AS THE NUMBER 1 CO-INFECTION IN LYME DISEASE BY ILADS* Posts: 6418 | From philadelphia pa | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
Hello everyone. Thank you all for the GREAT advice!! Mostly, thank you for caring enough and for taking the time to respond.
Posts: 52 | From Central VA | Registered: Jun 2011
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posted
I don't even bother anymore. Many LLMDs, including mine, think it is sexually transmitted and probably in saliva, too. I would not want to give the kiss of death to anyone while I am on this journey.
-------------------- Dx NY 2008 - Rash, headaches, neuro Doxy 400mg/day 6 wks, Amoxy, Zithro Herbs, supplements, sauna/steam room (1 yr), Rife, H2O2 Neuro symptoms for 3 years. Now inc CFS, FM and arthritis IgM+ (recent LabCorp) Posts: 19 | From Flagstaff, AZ | Registered: Oct 2012
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Andie333
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
Fire the therapist. She sounds clueless and mean, and that's a bad combination.
I know someone who met the man of her dreams after her Lyme diagnosis. She was in pretty bad shape at the time they met.
They've now been married abuot a year. As far as I know, they're doing great.
Don't limit your life more than the disease already does.
Posts: 2549 | From never never land | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I agree with the majority here that the therapist was cruel to say that.
I have been way sicker since my ex left me, and I keep hoping that someone will come along. I want love in my life, and regardless of being sick, I KNOW that I deserve love in my life.
Judie: - may I ask how you met your mate if you were already very debilitated? That intrigued me! I'm very debilitated also, and try to meet men online, but it's difficult. Since I split with my ex 4 1/2 yrs ago, I've dated two men - one was a single date and then I found out he'd stalked someone I knew in the past, so didn't see him again, but it had nothing to do with my being sick. The other one seemed really understanding at first, and I knew it wasn't going to be a lasting relationship because of several red flags I saw in him, but we did date for around 9 months and it was great for part of that time, but he became increasingly insensitive to my health issues. I get very emotional when I'm feeling really badly, and most men just don't want any part of that.
I am really trying to be positive that I can meet someone, but I'll have to get out of this darn bed first!!!
~Jenni
Posts: 18 | From Charleston, SC | Registered: Oct 2011
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posted
PS - got a little OT with that, wanted to add that I was up front to both men that I had health issues, and initially mentioned my fibro because that is becoming more understood. The one that I dated for awhile, I gradually told him more about my health as we got to know each other over the phone, and by the time we met in person he knew quite a bit but not quite the severity. That came in increments as it came up in conversation, and he would often ask questions that I tried to answer as honestly as possible.
Posts: 18 | From Charleston, SC | Registered: Oct 2011
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