posted
Hi everyone...I am just needing to vent again to people who get this, so please indulge me. I really am just so tired of dealing with this illness.
I have ZERO energy lately. I have spent so many hours in bed over the past week that it is ridiculous. I just have no energy at all, and I feel so nauseous and dizzy and miserable.
I have a wonderful boyfriend who is very understanding, but I worry about being a burden to him and that he will get weary of having an ill girlfriend.
My birthday is coming up on January 7th and this time last year I really thought I would be so much further along than I am now and I am just so damn upset that I am still so sick.
I keep my sense of humor and I keep fighting but I also am crying whenever I have a moment alone because I am just so depressed over the fact that I cannot be a healthy 31 year old woman.
I never really whine but THIS IS SO UNFAIR AND I HATE IT.
Thanks for letting me vent. Jess.
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hi Jess - I hear your frustration - I went through all my birthdays for 25 years, including milestone birthdays, having no understanding why I was laid up, in bed, in pain and feeling lost -
I didn't find out until in my early 50s what was going on, and so then I could start to treat, knowing what was really happening. I am still quite impacted by this condition.
At least you know what you're addressing, which is a step further than if you didn't know. You may not get to where you want to get to now, but you still have a lot of years ahead, and I suggest some patience with this process, since it's going to require that, to see what works and what doesn't, in terms of workable treatment.
So, being in the midst of this condition, I like to think about how I can include some quality time in my days, however that can happen, so I can still feel like I'm living some life.
I think about all my interests and how I can enjoy them in some modified way. I also help get the word out about this whole mess and educate others and help keep them from falling into what we're fallen into.
So, even though it's hard, I encourage you to think deeply about all the things that have been satisfying to you, and how you could return aspects and parts of them, if possible.
Even just simple things like listening to radio programs or watching interesting TV shows - whatever is of interest.
And if that's asking too much right now, and that might be the case, if you're not feeling well, then indeed it's a rest time while you work at recovering.
Re your boyfriend, so far by the sounds of it, he seems to be very kind to you. I suggest focusing on his gifting to you of his affections rather than your fears.
Posts: 13116 | From San Francisco | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Robin-yes, you definitely understand what I am going through. I think that what is happening is that I am just weary of being sick...and I also feel kind of trapped and caged, and like I will never break free.
I have THE most amazing friend who also happens to have this illness, and I tell him all the time that he is going to be ok and I believe that he will be fine with all my heart and soul. But I dont feel that about myself...I feel kinda hopeless that I will improve, and I just do not wanna face the rest of my life this sick, if not even sicker.
You are so correct though about it being the little things that can get you through-I LIVE for books and music and the fact that a film version of "Les Miserables" is about to be released .
As far as my boyfriend, he is indeed so lovely and so patient and so kind, but I fear that such a wonderful and handsome and healthy and special man will eventually get tired of a bony and sickly and limited girlfriend.
Its really hard for me to feel ok about myself right now-I kind of hate myself, to be perfectly honest. I feel like being sick diminishes me, and while I know that is objectively silly and untrue, my heart feels what it feels and it is scary and painful. I just long for a restoration of my health.
Thank you again so much for the thoughtful response. Jess.
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
| IP: Logged |
lax mom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38743
posted
Jess: It sounds like your boyfriend sees your intrinsic value...that's why he's with you.
That type of guy is so rare (my husband is one of them).
I knew my husband was the one for me when I had a terrible stomach virus. He brought me a trash can to vomit in and carried my weak self to the couch to rest.
Your boyfriend obviously knows exactly what he's getting into and he's still there...that speaks volumes.
If you guys can make it work during the worst time of your life, just think about how you guys will be together when you are at your healthiest and strongest!!! There will be no stopping you!!!
posted
Lax mom-you have been so great to me these past months, in posts on here and in PMs and I just appreciate it beyond the telling of it. You are right about my boyfriend being a rare gem-and I think it is FANTASTIC that your hubby is one of those men as well.
Yes I don't lie to my boyfriend and he sees the pain I am going through and the PICC line in my arm and he doesn't appear to be scared off at all. It's strange-I always dreamed of a man like this and now I just might have one and it's frightening because a part of me feels like I maybe am not worthy of him or that I am depriving him of a full and happy life because of the burden of my illness. I know how silly this sounds, but I really do feel this a lot.
I think you are correct though-if he and I can make it through this, we can make it through anything as a couple. Thank you again for your endless support, lax mom. I hope you are better soon, as well. Jess.
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
| IP: Logged |
map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
Jessica, have you tried finding a support group in your area? You need help with little things like, acceptance that this is what it is.
Support groups face to face are worth the get out of house horrors because they give you more than it takes to get there.
Lymenet is great. But sometimes real relationships with other lyme folks in your area give us hope and a whole new outlook. Your lyme friend might just be a few blocks away from you and she's looking for you too. Something to hope for.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hi map-I actually get out of the house every day, no matter how sick I feel and I see people all the time. Its just I am spending more and more time in bed now compared to before, and my symptoms are more intense than before.
I just cannot "power through" all the time like I used to, and it really is so difficult. Thank you, though for the suggestion. I appreciate it a lot. Jess.
posted
Jess, It is easier to believe for someone else. Much harder to believe for yourself. Since you can believe that your friend will be better and encourage him, maybe he can believe for you and encourage you?
I'm not sure why this is, but I have found it to be true too. Only someone who deals with this can really understand how this affects your body, mind, and soul. I would try talking to him about this and how you feel. See if he can support and believe in your recovery. If he can give you positive "affirmations" daily, or even a few times a week, it may start to take hold in your mind and help you to believe you can recover.
You could do the same for him, since you feel he can recover. It's hard to tell yourself "affirmations" when you don't believe it in your heart.
This is my suggestion, and I truly hope it will help in some way. If there is a support group close by you, that would be great if you feel up to it too. There is no support group here, the closest one is 3 hours from here, so that's pretty much out for me. The last time I went there were only a few people there, as most were too sick to get out.
I can relate to what Robin said too, as having some of the joys in your life that you enjoyed prior to this illness really does help. Even if you can't do what you used to, just having a remnant of that help me too. It helps you feel connected in some way to your "old" self.
I hope you feel better soon!
-------------------- One day at a time Posts: 409 | From TX | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Twicebitten-my friend who also happens to have lyme is possibly one of my favorite people who's ever walked the earth. He is just an amazing person. It has nothing to do with him being sick and everything to do with who he is as a person. I just love him so very very much.
I don't wanna burden him however with having to support me with affirmations. he is so sick, I just wanna support him and I just feel so lucky to hear from him at all, esp considering how ill he is. I really want him well every bit as much as I want to heal myself. I adore him.
Thank you so very much for the support! Jess.
Posts: 870 | From ct | Registered: Nov 2012
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
. 
Printer-friendly view of this topic