posted
I have committed myself to do something I really don't want to do and physically will be difficult. Not too sure how to bow out of this one as it will put the person in a bind. I would be required to stand for hours and interact with lots of people, both of which will be exhausting for me. The person who asked me to do this doesn't know that I am sick, and to try to explain would get me nowhere. Please, any ideas on how to extricate myself from this are appreciated
-------------------- "Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug." Mark Knopfler Posts: 111 | From East of Eden | Registered: Mar 2012
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Jane2904
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
I would talk to them asap. Tell them that you would love to help, but know that with your current health issues, you are not able at this time.
Posts: 1357 | From Massachusetts | Registered: Jun 2008
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Dogsandcats
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posted
so easy to do.....I had to learn to put boundaries around myself and learn to answer - "let me get back to you" before my mouth said "sure".
You may have to repeat yourself if they keep trying. Better to call now, than later.
My line is "I appreciate the offer to ______, but due to a current health problem (or personal problems) I am unable to help you at this time.
If they persist - just say the line again.
Hopefully, they will be gracious and accept your answer.
I have tried to do these things and ended up having to leave or worse yet, call that morning and cancel.
It is ok not to do everything. We all have our seasons when we can do different things.
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
This will be a great opportunity to practice boundaries. And, Lord knows, we could all use that kind of practice.
You do NOT owe an explanation for why you need to step down. And, seriously, explaining Lyme could take all day.
Call or email ASAP and tell them you aren't available after all. If you are asked for an explanation (which is rude, BTW), simply say you just realized you have a conflict. Keep it short and sweet and be done. Don't let anyone guilt you into changing your mind.
Then congratulate yourself. Saying "No" is HARD. And saying "No" after you've said "Yes" is even HARDER!
aklnwlf
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5960
posted
Homesick-I do this all the time. I'd say 'I know I said I'd help you with ____________ but I'm not going to be able too this time around. I'm sorry.'
If they ask why not just tell them you're not feeling well and leave it at that.
If they keep pushing just say something like, 'Oh, my pizza just got here, I've got to go. Talk with you later.'
Alot of times I used to think I could help someone but then I'd feel horrible on that day and just couldn't make it.
At least know that your heart is in the right place.
-------------------- Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.
Alaska Lone Wolf Posts: 6918 | From Columbus, GA | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
You are all so right, I've never been any good at saying no, guess it's time to learn. Such a simple little word but so hard to say.
-------------------- "Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug." Mark Knopfler Posts: 111 | From East of Eden | Registered: Mar 2012
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Dogsandcats
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posted
It is SO hard! It comes with great practice! Like the drug slogan..."just say no!"
This is terrible...I have even rung my own door bell and said -gotta go!
I used to be the go to gal....but Lyme took care of that
It made me feel so much stronger when I learned boundaries without guilt. I still have moments, but so much better than before.
It also was hard for me, with Lyme, to not be able to say yes when I want to do something!
Most important- when asked- say......"let me check my calendar" or some delay. I always got busted with quick responses.
You will be just fine!
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Don't let your eagerness, or even short energy spurts at the time, write checks that your body can't cash.
You are not the boss of you, your body is. You have to check in with your body FIRST. But it can be very hard for us to (sanely) separate body from our ego. My true self would do this and that - and much more. But my body just can't.
I have to live with this body so I don't let my enthusiasm run away from me.
I have not yet found a way to explain my thoughts on this without sounded fractured. It's just that I learned a long time ago that my "me, myself and I" are quite apart from my body in terms of arranging any activity.
If my words make more sense than I can seem to verbalize here, maybe thinking about it in that way will help with realistic expectations.
What my body requires rules. After that the "fun me" might have some leeway, or not. But planning is ever so tricky. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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beaches
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posted
I think the problem is that we all so much want to participate and volunteer and do everything we can for whatever cause. And that's why we instinctively just say yes.
For those who are healthy, this is no big deal as they'll somehow fit it into their busy schedules. For those of us with health problems and/or those of us who are caregivers, we have a kind of ``buyer's remorse'' after making such a commitment- it sounded like such a great idea at the time, but... And I do think there is an element of overcompensating for our illnesses/limitations.
Realistically, given the health issues of ourselves and/or our loved ones, we cannot make such commitments of our time and energy. In addition, many here have ``post-exertional malaise'' meaning that for a particular day you can be ``on'' and go for hours and do a great job, only to suffer the consequences the next day or two or seven and end up in bed totally wiped out. Is it worth it?
The funny thing to me is that over the years I have observed that the healthiest specimens are oftentimes the ones least likely to say ``yes, I'll do it.'' They rely on schlubs like us who keep volunteering. Oh, I could tell you stories but I'll spare you.
Bottom line is that boundaries need to be set as others have stated. It is hard to do in the beginning but it gets easier as time goes on. You just have to remember that your heart is in the right place as someone already stated. The fact that your body doesn't cooperate with what your mind wants to do is not your fault.
It's best to extricate yourself from this situation as soon as possible. Others have posted great advice as to how to communicate that.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
Keebler, you don't sound fractured at all.
You have such words of wisdom:
"Don't let your eagerness, or even short energy spurts at the time, write checks that your body can't cash."
and
"You are not the boss of you, your body is."
Give yourself some credit!
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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surprise
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 34987
posted
Great replies on a topic I struggle with-thank you.
I wish I could claim that at the age of 46 I no longer care what others think of me- apparently I do.
Wish I could write my thoughts well on this- not feeling articulate- but I am going to try.
What it looks like on the outside is NOT what is happening on the inside.
Beverly Hills housewife with Lyme disease: I stood up in my living room and shouted:
See! It all 'looks' okay on the outside, but it is not! Inside, the struggle, that cannot be seen. The turmoil.
When I say 'No' I often feel others around me (not my little family that lives here, the others)
are judging me- and sometimes people get let down because of THEIR expectations. And this can be after I'm honest about my health and put my cards on the table.
The stress is not worth it. I am learning to do what I have to do: for myself. No- one else will- I have seen it's the others who just want what they want-
and I'm not the selfish one for saying no. We've got 1 life here. Can't give to everyone.
-------------------- Lyme positive PCR blood, and positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011. low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012. Update 7/16- After extensive treatments, doing okay! Posts: 2518 | From USA | Registered: Nov 2011
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
Surprise, for your 47th give yourself the gift of not taking to heart what everyone else thinks. That would be a great birthday gift to yourself, wouldn't it?
You have to learn to set boundaries. (yeah, I do know how cliche and simplistic that sounds).
I was always the one doing and giving. I realized sooner than later that most on the receiving end were either clueless or just didn't give a damn as to how much I was really doing and the enormous amount of effort I was putting forth.
I also realized sooner than later that my life wasn't and isn't about "their" expectations. I knew I had to just focus on my own immediate family. And that's what I did and continue to do (easier now that most of them are dead, God forgive me, but I am sure you know what I mean).
Continue saying "no" when you have to and disregard any "judgments" coming your way. Just focus on your own little family. And do what you can for others with what's left over.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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Dogsandcats
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I saw this quote today. Don't know much about this guy(so no comments please!).......but liked the quote!
Dr. Wayne Dyer, ``What people think of me is none of my business.''
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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-------------------- "Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug." Mark Knopfler Posts: 111 | From East of Eden | Registered: Mar 2012
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surprise
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 34987
posted
Me too :-)
-------------------- Lyme positive PCR blood, and positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011. low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012. Update 7/16- After extensive treatments, doing okay! Posts: 2518 | From USA | Registered: Nov 2011
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
I remember him from back in the day! Wasn't he the author of "I'm OK, You're OK"?
Didn't realize that he came up with the quote:
``What people think of me is none of my business''
I really like that! It's very empowering.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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