Topic: Mean girl hurt my son - Update - today is the day.
Keebler
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- You just have to say it. Have a conversation.
Maybe show him the web photos and then say that you'll be back with a cup of herb tea (if he's into that sort of late night beverage). But, unless you are on the west coast, I hope he's asleep as it's very late in most time zones.
He needs to know before he goes to school tomorrow or logs onto a computer or web phone.
Just say the words. As if reporting some news: who, what, where, when, (and you'll get to the why and how to handle if he wants to talk).
Or call upon the Dragnet style: "Just the facts, m'am" - Just the facts. Don't let emotions get in the way of just sharing the facts.
He may want to know how you found out so be prepared for that. Just be honest.
Teens may think their posts are so private but the truth is that it can be seen by anyone. And by college admissions officers, too. Important to remind him of that in case he gets the urge to use the same method as she to make an announcement.
Humor will help. I sure hope he finds something to laugh about. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
What a hot mess. Maybe talk to him about the social media issue--if he's shown it to you and you didn't just find it.
Otherwise, ask him how he expects to remember his prom. If he wants it to be about the girl who seeks lots of attention and flaunting a new boy"friend" in his face, or if he'd prefer to be gallant and bow out. (Recall the old Goofus and Gallant in Hilites magazine?)
Talking about the high road isn't easy when you're 17 or 18 and life is just today. He could choose to go to the prom in a group of his friends, even as the third wheel and have fun, or he could go somewhere else that night.
Does he have an older cousin or uncle who may have had a life experience similar to talk to?
With the advent of "road rage" coming into schools and bullying, both overt and covert, I'd definitely talk to him about being a gentleman no matter what in life. Life isn't a movie, and sometimes the hero doesn't come out on top.
And, please, please tell him that if he feels the need to vent on ANY social media to show it to you first (and then not do it). My son is an IT guy and one of the first lessons at Purdue was that nothing ever disappears off the net, then they were shown how true that is. Colleges and businesses now have monitors who roam, and we had two people who lost positions due to carelessly placed comments and pictures.
Be sure to ask him how he feels about this and acknowledge his emotions. Teen angst is rough stuff and coping with it sets the stage for future travails. Hugs.
-------------------- 'Hope' is a thing with feathers, that perches in the soul-- Emily Dickinson Posts: 160 | From Indiana | Registered: Nov 2012
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Holly Beth, your son will be at college in 3 years at most. This is the time to take a step back and let your son do his own thing. As much as you want to protect him and make his life easier, you need to let things work themselves out. If you don't, he will not grow as a person in terms of being able to solve life's problems and you teach him that he is incapable of mature behavior. I know you want to be Mama Bear and go after all the hurts and insults, but you need to let him figure this one out. Do not quietly talk to chaperones, you are just going to humiliate him as if he were a child. I know this is not your intention, but let this one slide. You've done your best as a parent. Just be the sounding board if he comes to you with questions or concerns.
Posts: 482 | From Oregon | Registered: Feb 2011
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linky123
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Holly, dove and otter, thanks.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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Otterj- think you meant linky123's son, not mine. My son is only 11 months old! Posts: 84 | From way over the rainbow | Registered: Oct 2012
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I tend to agree with Otter. Let it go and perhaps he'll have a good time anyway. He needs to learn to fight his own battles.
Plus... If he dumps her now, he may not get to go to the prom at all. Is he a senior?
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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linky123
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Holly, enjoy it while it lasts! I miss those days and would much rather be changing a stinky diaper right now.
I think you are right about her liking the attn. Just wish she wouldn't do it at other's expense.
Tutu, he is a junior, and I would hate for him not to go. I think he's really looking forward to it.
If he backed out, he would probably just stay home, which would be a drag.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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I know.. it might be WORSE if he ended up not being able to go.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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lax mom
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quote:Originally posted by Holly Beth: Otterj- think you meant linky123's son, not mine. My son is only 11 months old!
Sorry but Hollybeths response cracked me up.
linky: I couldn't read all of the earlier comments. Did your son happen to pay for her ticket to the dance?
I agree with the others. Is there any chance he can invite someone else and show this immature girl and her bully boyfriend that he isn't fazed by them?
posted
WOOOPS! Sorry Holly Beth and Linky, It is all I can do to make these things double spaced and now you want me to address the right person? Posts: 482 | From Oregon | Registered: Feb 2011
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linky123
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lax, yes he paid for her ticket ($30 which he would lose if he stays home) and it would be tough to ask someone else at this point. The deadline for signing up has passed.
Otter, it's ok, you are forgiven.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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quote:Originally posted by OtterJ: WOOOPS! Sorry Holly Beth and Linky, It is all I can do to make these things double spaced and now you want me to address the right person?
- LOL!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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linky123- I am not looking forward to those teenage yrs. I cant imagine what your going through. I'm sorry!
Posts: 84 | From way over the rainbow | Registered: Oct 2012
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Dogsandcats
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There is not much more painful than watching our kids hurt.
I always figured that I would want to know. I know he is young, but I still would have wanted to know. Rather hear it from you than other snots at school. He probably is aware of it all. This has already been said above, but I still wanted to add my two cents.
I had my heart broken in high school and I am sure I might have hurt one or two. Part of learning who we want in a good relationship and the warning signs of who we don't.
It still ain't no fun. Hugs to all....
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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randibear
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i don't know. i think he should gracefully bow out. cause it sounds like this girl is determined to "generate" a big scene. she's setting it all up for a confrontation.
i surely hope he cancels cause i think it's going to be nasty.
is there someone that you can plan a special evening for your son? maybe take him out of town or someplace special??
keep us informed. i'm sorry to have to say i expect problems. and this girl is a PROBLEM....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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I totally agree with you randibear.I would tryto talk him out of the whole thing.
Maybe he should take someone else.
Posts: 84 | From way over the rainbow | Registered: Oct 2012
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Keebler
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- Perhaps he could talk with his close friends about this. They may be a wonderful support to him and come up with all kinds of ways to make him feel special and included, all in a manner of style, grace and fun.
Family can guide and be there, of course, but there at school, and at the dance I hope he goes to with his friends, that friendship circle will make the difference in how he comes through this.
I hope they include him in their circle. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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linky123
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Yeah, this girl is a real problem. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on her. Just one of those things a mom knows.
At best she is completely thoughtless and selfish. At worst, she is setting him up or maybe this is a passive-aggressive way of telling him to get lost.
Since she doesn't have the guts to tell him straight up. In fact, she told him she wanted to go with him.
However, some of the best advice I ever got was to watch what people do, not what they say.
Her actions speak volumes
keebler, he has a great group of friends. So, I think they would be there for him. Just don't know, it sounds like this guy just doesn't back down.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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beaches
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He should bow out.
The key is to give him the information (which I am sure he already has) nonchalantly (by the way I was on FB and I happened to come across...), encourage him to think about it, and ask questions, like:
``So what do you make of this? ``What do you think you should do about it? ``Have you considered the pros/cons of going/not going?
In order for him to be empowered, HE has to make his own decisions. As parents, our job is to help them think and reason and logically sort out various scenarios.
And we can also subtly imply what we know is best (this takes years of practice!)
But they might chose options we don't think are best for them. And it's during those times we have to close our mouths, bite our tongues and just be receptive and open to them. Yeah, and we thought it was tough when they were little! HA!
At the end of the day our ultimate goal is to have them be independent, free-thinking adults who are capable of, and confident in, making their own decisions.
They won't be able to do this unless we cut the cord. If we continue making their decisions for them, they will not be empowered.
I wouldn't bother going to the chaperone or any other adult. Your son is a junior in HS afterall. He likely would be mortified if he ever found out you did that!
As for the whole prom thing, firstly your son has another shot next year when he's a senior.
And FWIW, I actually broke up with a boy a couple of months before senior prom. He was a control freak and I was a maverick.
When he told me he could "mold" me that was the end of it and I broke up with him. He was stunned (yay for strong girls!) and totally pi$$ed off that I broke up just before prom.
My bottom line was that I wasn't going to compromise myself to go to a prom. Sure, I missed it and I would have loved to go.
But more important was that I held on tight to who I was and what I stood for in my life.
And guess what? My parents weren't even remotely involved in that decision whatsoever.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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How big is the prom? Hundreds? I mean really, this only involves 3 people out of how many?
There will probably be many "scenes" going on at the same time that night.
I keep thinking it's all going to work out!! Maybe I'm the eternal optimist.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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beaches
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Yeah LT, maybe it'll work out. I just don't think it's likely, given the scenario. And my impression is that Linky lives in a very small town but I could be wrong. The smaller the town, the worse the drama IMO.
For sure there will be many "scenes" going on that night. HS wouldn't be HS without some sort of drama going on 24/7.
But the key here is to empower this kid IMO.
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TF
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I can't help but think that your son is going to learn a lot from this experience--about how to pick girls, to look for character instead of whatever he was looking for when he picked this girl to ask to the prom, etc.
The lessons will be priceless. And, it won't ruin his life. We learn a lot from these kinds of experiences. To experience this has a lot more impact than parents telling their child that character is what they need to look for and value.
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linky123
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beaches, you are right about the drama; way too much of it. We live in a small city which behaves like a small town.
TF, I think he already has learned a lot. This girl is very pretty, which was the initial attraction.
He says she is too indecisive and unmotivated for him. He can see that beauty really is only skin deep and that other things are more important.
The toughest thing for him is the rejection. She picked the other guy over him.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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tickled1
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Who is the other guy going with?
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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linky123
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tickled1, not sure. My daughter has a class with this boy and the teacher was asking everyone if they were going to the prom etc. When she asked him about it, he said the girl he was going to ask was going with someone else. So she told him to 'man up' and ask someone else. Don't know if he did or not.
Talked to the lady having the dinner this am. 'The girl' told her daughter that she should not worry, that she was my son's date and intended to behave that way.
Things are looking up, folks!!!
Now, if the other boy will just behave himself, we should all have a good time.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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Maybe if there is a problem, SHE will tell her boyfriend to back off.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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linky123
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Thanks!
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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Time for a bit of a confession. I was asked to the prom by a houng man I had dated for 2-3 months casually. I said yes, and we made plans about a month prior to the event.
In that intervening month, we double-dated with my guy's best friend a few times. My heart turned to the friend, and he asked me a week before the prom to go with him instead.
This was the late 1970s. I was taught to honor my promises. I told the new guy no and sid I couldn't even date him for awhile.
Went to a nice dinner at our small community's finest restaurant. He paid for that, I bought the prom tickets ($25 a couple, about the price of dinner then), and we bought flowers for each other.
Had a good time at the dance and afterparty. He had realized myfeelings were not as deep as his, and we saw each other a few times afterwards.
The friend of his and I dated a bit and remained friends even after we began to see others. He told me that he was glad I hadn't accepted his prom invitatikn because we didn't create a mess.
What I 'm trying to say in my long-winded way is that HS romances can be life lessons and leave people to be friends IF everyone is upfront, open, and honest about expectations. I hope they have a beautiful dinner and dance.
Years from now they can remember the night fondly and teach their own teens about how young love is fickle and ever-changing. And how one's word is to be honored with the most positive attitude possible.
Hang in there, Linky. Being a mom and wanting the best as teens grow into young adults isn't eash, but it is so worth it.
-------------------- 'Hope' is a thing with feathers, that perches in the soul-- Emily Dickinson Posts: 160 | From Indiana | Registered: Nov 2012
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linky123
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Thank you Dove, I appreciate that.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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Linky, I see your signature, tag-line thingy with the Matthew scripture.
I realize this is totally off-topic, I'm sorry. But have you ever heard the a cappella group Take 6 perform their song version of this scripture? It is so gorgeous & gives me goosebumps every time I listen to it.
-------------------- Untreated Lyme for 25+ years. Two kids, too much pain & fatigue, no hope of ever being able to treat. Posts: 310 | From Northeast | Registered: Mar 2010
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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linky123
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Very pretty!
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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linky123
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Well, the big day is here. I will be so glad when this is finally over.
We decided to stay out of it and let our son work his way through this one on his own.
Am going over to the hostess' house to help cook the dinner, so will be around a while to see how they interact etc.
I am praying this will go off without a hitch and all will enjoy themselves and behave.
Would appreciate your prayers too!
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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Dogsandcats
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How blessed he is to have you to walk beside him thru this ordeal.
He will have the tools to help someone else. Compassion is a great gift to have.
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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Praying that all goes well! Hope he enjoys it!!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Dekrator48
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Praying for a fun and peaceful time!
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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randibear
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Let us know asap
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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linky123
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Well, my son came home last night in one piece, but didn't say much except it was ok and he was really tired and went straight to bed.
I'm sure my daughter will get the inside scoop at school tomorrow, but until then I am in the dark.
The dinner went well. The other boy wasn't there and the kids seemed to be enjoying themselves.
I did see a photo on facebook of the other boy. Looks like he did go to the dance and wore a tux to match the girl's dress. Unbelievable.
Will update when I have more info.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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randibear
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Whoa.....I hope your son drops her like a hot potato
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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linky123
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Yeah, I don't think there's much chance of this relationship going anywhere. I hope not anyway. I would probably pop if it did.
Hopefully, it wasn't too painful for him.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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linky123
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Tutu, I agree.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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beaches
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So this other boy wore a tux matching your son's date??
Wow, how inappropriate to say the least. No doubt the girl had a hand in that.
Just hope your son comes out of it OK with his head held high.
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linky123
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beaches, I think he is doing ok from what I can tell. He holds so much inside.
The matching tux is just more low-class behavior by this kid (and the girl, if she had anything to do with it). IMHO all this does is make him look like and idiot.
Just when you think you have seen it all...
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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randibear
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oh no ya'll SHE definitely had a hand in it. i mean who told what colors and kind of dress to that guy?
this was her in cohoots with this other guy.
can't wait to see what kind of rumours this little er person is going to start saying. betcha she will too.
what a sleezeball...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
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- Or he may think this is the way to make an impression.
Chances are he has not been TAUGHT in these matters. I hope, for his sake and others, that someone will help guide him along and teach him how to consider the feelings of others.
Manners is not just for manners sake, it's for consideration of others. But manners must be taught and it may not be all his own fault if he just doesn't know about the finer points of behavior. -
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linky123
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randi, Yeah, it seems that the only one who could have told him the color of the dress was the girl.
keebler, You are right about the manners. Both of them need a crash course. Shouldn't some of this just be a no-brainer?
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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randibear
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anybody want to bet that within a month that girl is going with that guy??
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