posted
Hey everyone! I just need to vent. I have a nightmare of a MIL Aand SIL, who even before my diagnosis with Lyme were very overbearing and controlling...opinionated, etc.
They literally could be on Dr. Phil. When we left our house on a trip they came in rearranged my silverware, glasses, plates, etc. to how "they" thought the house should be set up.
My MIL doesn't like Pine trees. She says, "They are undesirable". And this may be hard to believe but when we were in FL a few years back she had three of "our" 30 ft Pine trees cut down, stumps and all.
And cut off a low branch on one of our trees. The tree we were going to set a swing on so our boys could play on it and enjoy it.
But the final straw was when they found out that I had Lyme. My husband dropped off Under Our Skin hoping his sister and mom would watch it.
Did they watch it, NO! Instead my sil and mil printed out a paper criticizes. the movie and they wrote a note saying, "This will be easy to treat."
And if that wasn't enough they called my dh friends and asked them about Lyme and if we were seeing a "quack" and they don't believe in it and think I have something else.
I am so upset and angry I wish I could just give them a hard right sided punch and deck them. I wish we could move but dh lost his job a few months back so we are stuck here living too close to them.
They drive by the house, leave messages, they are absolutely obsessed with their brother/son ..he is "their baby" who is 44 YEARS OLD.
They aren't listening to husband, won't listen to a Pastor they met with because he agreed with my husband and I, and they didn't like the idea of "healthy boundaries" or unsolicited advice.
How can I not let them get to me? I wish it didn't bother me but it does, it really does. Just knowing how many people suffer from this disease and my son having it too, I am so angry.
How would you guys not let it get to you or bother you? We can't move, we aren't answering their calls, but I just wish it didn't have so much power over me- the stress of them daily is driving me crazy. I just want to spray paint their house bright green.. .
Thanks for reading my long post. I am going to pet my dogs, who they don't like (they don't like animals)..especially mil, and listen to some music. I just don't want it to keep getting to me but it's hard.
BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
posted
Horrifying behavior. Way beyond the pale.
Please go to www.outofthefog.net and click on Support Forums. Read in the Unchosen Relationships section.
Many posters have situations exactly like yours. You will feel completely validated and can learn some great tools for managing your relationships with these people.
Just as you wrote, it is all about boundaries.
I'm sure this wasn't even an option, but you could have filed charges over those trees. That would be an example of setting and keeping very firm boundaries. And making them take responsibility for their awful (and illegal) behaviors.
posted
OMG!! That is HORRIBLE behavior! Keep saving money so you can one day move. Just pray for another job to come open and BE READY to pick up and MOVE!
(and "forget" to tell them where you went)
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Two words:
Restraining - Order -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Dekrator48
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 18239
posted
That is way beyond crossing boundaries!
Do they have keys to your home? If so, I would change the locks so they can't get in again when you are away, or anytime.
As far as the angry feelings that you have for them...I find the best thing to do is pray for each of them daily.
They are very broken people. Praying can help us replace the anger with more productive feelings.
You say they are not listening to your husband, so it sounds like he tries to set boundaries. Encourage him to continue to speak up and do that since it's his family.
Then pray for yourself and your family, that you can be patient and kind and show love like Jesus, and to seek His will for your life everyday.
-------------------- The fibromyalgia I've had for 32 years was an undiagnosed Lyme symptom.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11 Posts: 6076 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
Oh my, I thought I had issues with relatives - not anymore - nothing compared to what you are going through!!!
Change the locks on your doors - that way they can't come in when you're not home! They are downright rude!!!!! Who would think to do ANYTHING like this at someone else's home!!!!
Cut my trees down, I would have taken the to court if I had to, to have them replace them!!! Too late now for that, but still.
I feel so bad for you! Do whatever you have to keep them away and out of your home!!!!
Posts: 250 | From East Coast | Registered: Jan 2013
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GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Oh my! That sounds stressful!
I'm sorry that you and your family are going through that as well as lyme and co.
Does your MIL and SIL have anything better to do? Geesh!
I agree with the others about setting boundaries. And most of it, your hubbie needs to do because they're his blood relatives.
Sigh.
Electric fence? Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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BoxerMom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 25251
linky123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 19974
posted
And I thought my in-laws were bad. These people really are crazy.
If there's any way, you should try to get away (move) and not leave a forwarding address.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
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posted
Wow! I can't thank you guys enough...You have made me feel so much better.
We have had a 5 1/2 white picket fence put up all around the front of our house with a driveway gate, with locks on it, and on the sides of our yard part of it is picket fence and the other privacy.
And when we had to do some work on our house (which is a never ending project) - ran out of money...but we made sure to get new doors and my in-laws don't have those keys.
Also, I try to let our dogs out in the front yard because they bark and she doesn't like dogs or animals. .
Last year, you guys would love this, but she tried to get in our house thinking we were gone and neighbors saw her (and the ones next door and across the street know how awful she is) but the local town police were called and she was extremely embarrassed and told him she was just "worried about us and that we were having personal problems".
After my husband knew what his mother did he called the local police station and spoke to the officer personally. The officer said she was trying to persuade him into getting into our house, and this officer happens to "kind of" know us from when my father was ill..
But anyways, he told her everything looked fine, and then she told him "The Police commissioner lives across the street from me and we are good friends".. he told my husband at that point he was ticked off because she was trying to intimidate him by dropping names. He escorted her off the property and she was humiliated.
If I figure out how to post a picture, if we are allowed to, I can show you guys our fence and gate. .
I needed to laugh out loud - thank you so much for that. But when we get back on our feet we will be leaving here.
In the meantime I will continue to pray because just typing out the things they have done really shows me how truly dysfunctional, crazy obsessive, and so many more words I can't think of right now.
Thanks again all of you! You have helped me to feel not alone in this craziness. Thank you again so much. Posts: 167 | From Southeast Tennessee/Chattanooga/Atlanta | Registered: Oct 2012
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Thanks again everyone. I just re-read your posts and it really helps me feel that I am not alone and I feel and needed support so much.
Posts: 167 | From Southeast Tennessee/Chattanooga/Atlanta | Registered: Oct 2012
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posted
Anissa... You can post photos here by using something like "photobucket." Just go to their site.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
Anissa, I am so sorry to hear that you have these people for in-laws. I agree that you need to change your locks ASAP and set very specific boundaries with these people until you are able to (hopefully) move further away from them.
As I was reading your post, it appeared to me that you and hubby must be in your 20s. But since your hubby is 44, I am assuming you are somewhere in your 30s-40s.
Having in-laws interfering with your everyday life at your stage/age in life is simply unacceptable and must change.
YOU are the one who needs to do this, as the woman of your home. You are the queen of your castle. You rule the roost. You are a mother, so you have even more power. Own that and don’t let anyone take it away from you. As a wife and mother, you get to decide nearly 100% of what transpires within and around your home. Ask any man/husband and I guarantee they’ll tell you that. Men, typically do not effectively/successfully stand up to their mothers/sisters for whatever reason, so this one’s on you.
You could request separate meetings with SIL and MIL at a neutral location and tell them your new ground rules. If you are not comfortable doing that, you could put your ground rules in writing.
Seems your husband has the best of intentions, but his mother and sister are bulldozing him. Learn to stand up for yourself. And never, ever let anyone take your power away from you.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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nefferdun
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 20157
posted
Beaches is right - everyone else too
.I just posted a message about my MIL and SIL so I totally get it. You really do need to establish boundaries and get in their face to maintain them. I moved far far away but every now and then they show up and they still have no manners.
Psychologists call this unhealthy kind of mother/son relationship enmeshed. Your MIL does not know where she ends and he begins so there are no boundaries. She is a very sick person and will sabotage all aspects of your life, including your children., to get even with you for having her son. You need to get away from her.
-------------------- old joke: idiopathic means the patient is pathological and the the doctor is an idiot Posts: 4676 | From western Montana | Registered: Apr 2009
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You girls would hv been very psyched or proud of me on a number of occasions. I have to confess that I tend to become VERY protective of my kids, home, dogs, etc.
which has resulted in a number of very very heated exchanges between MIL and SIL. It didn't start out that way years ago (the confrontation) but as time went on it did.
I moved to this area from the West Coast so I was on their turf and didn't know anyone except my husband. We moved here because it was more affordable and we could actually own a house here versus CA.
But back in the day I use to take Krav Maga when I lived in LA and to be honest there were times I really wanted to put it to use when my in-laws went way over the boundaries.
Thankfully most of those times we weren't near eachother but were told by phone that our trees were cut down, or we walked in the house and things were rearranged.
And as time went on and their behaviors weren't changing and church pastors stepped in hoping to teach them healthy boundaries and keep things "calm"...it just never happened. They don't think they are doing anything wrong. And we just avoid each other.
Public places like school we would pass by one another...AWKWARD...but now because of my son and I both having Lyme and probably youngest too, we are homeschooling. So, thankfully, I don't have to see them at the small public school.
My husband and I looked up the word "narcissitic" and it fit his mother to a t and his sister as well. I had dreamed when I was much younger like in my teens of having a great relationship with my in-laws and a happy family...it was a dream, so now dealing with Lyme, taking care of my boys, and my elderly father, four legged family members, and "crazy in laws is way too much".
My husband has become stronger but doesn't get as angry as I do. He is the baby in the family and has come a long way with them from where he use to be.
I do have to give him a lot of credit because I can't imagine living with those two woman as a child and growing up with them. It took him a lot of courage to learn how to stand up to them. Sheez, I was thrown off by how intrusive and controlling they were and are. I felt like we were in a movie or a sit com.
But the hard part I still have is to not let them keep getting to me. I am getting better about it but it is hard because they have caused such stress and pain in our lives for years.
If they keep calling my Husband he is going to change his cell number, which is great! And they have stopped calling the house because they don't want me to answer.
I am doing my best to not let my sweet boys see the stress it is causing because my 10 year old is battling Lyme and Babesia Duncani..maybe Bart.
And it really really gets me so upset that they don't even take anyone's health into consideration, even their grand child's or nephew's..that turns me into a fierce protective Mama Bear. I know they don't care about me, but at least think of him.
The sad part is my two sons miss playing with their two cousins, but there isn't anything we can do about that right now. And they literally live up the curved hill up the street.
We have set a strong boundary of no contact right now and sadly if their behavior continues in these extremely unhealthy crazy ways we have to keep it that way and tell them we are going to move (even though we can't right away)...
We know realistically they aren't going to change. And if they pretend to....I will have to most likely remind my husband as much as he would like to believe the best in them ...it isn't real.
But with no job, and the money left going to my treatment and son's, bills, you guys know how all of that goes. I appreciate you all letting me vent. It is so helpful. I know I may have said this before but thanks for letting me feel that I am not alone. This disease is so isolating. You have helped me so much.
Lymetoo@ thank you for letting me know how to post a picture. I'll try to figure it out.
Thank you all for your support!
And the locks have been changed and they can't get in the house anymore.
On a faith based side I said a prayer for them (have to confess it wasn't easy) but I did because they truly are beyond unbelievable and we need our Lord's help in so many ways.
Thank you all. Oh, FYI, someone was wondering my age and my husband and I both are in our forties- we married in our thirties. And we are blessed with two sweet boys. I am off to get my sweet boys to bed. Goodnight girls!
beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
Hi again Anissa,
I am so glad to hear that you are protective of the home, kids, pets. That’s just so very important. And glad to hear you’ve had heated exchanges with the MIL and SIL. It can’t be easy going up against BOTH of them!
Sorry to hear that you’ve been kind of marooned in a different state and had no one in your corner to fall back on. Guessing that ”Krav Maga” must be some sort of martial art, since you’ve been tempted to use it on the in-laws (out-laws)
I just can’t believe they had the nerve to cut down your trees and enter your home and rearrange things. Good thing you changed the locks! I find it hard to believe that they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong! Put yourself in their shoes…could you do what they’re doing? NO! Neither could I or most/majority of people.
Narcissistic people are very difficult to deal with because, well, it’s all about them. And when you’re sick and caring for sick kids, and in your case, for your dad, there is no room in your life for people like this.
It is really sad that your little guys aren’t able to play with their cousins. But if your SIL is that toxic, that’s something you and your family can’t afford to deal with on so many levels.
And it’s really too bad that the MIL and the SIL just don’t get all the health issues with the associated very high expense of it all. In the best of worlds, they’d be pitching in in so many ways.
You aren’t alone at all. I’ve had my own share of unnecessary MIL drama and stress. I just remember wondering what SHE was thinking every time she opened her mouth to criticize/comment on ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I wasn’t some bimbo her dear son married. I was an educated woman with a good career making good money with my own place, bank account, car, etc. BEFORE he came into my life. I had little to no tolerance for her interference. Fortunately we were eventually able to move quite a distance away and the meddling/constant commentary/criticism lessened and finally went away. During the last years of her life, we thankfully got along very well.
And this was all pre-Lyme! I can’t imagine how I’d react now to such interference into my marriage and my family while dealing with this illness. It would definitely involve changing phone numbers and obtaining a restraining order, that much I can tell you!
Best of luck and best of health to you and your little family. I hope your son’s illness is short-lived and he gets well soon (and you too).
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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It truly has been a nightmare and we are praying and looking forward to the day we can move and get away from them.
I have been focusing on my son's health, doing my infusions, trying to stay on top of supplements, etc. , praying hubby gets a job or backing for a great business opportunity, and my Dad continues at a decent health level for his age.
I am happy to hear that you and your MIL were able to get along towards the end of her life. Like you said earlier, I wouldn't even imagine going into someone's house, cutting down their trees, etc, and there is so much more... it is absolutely irrational.
But I have to protect our family and my husband is stepping up big time, especially lately. I am in no shape to do Krav Maga now, but I sure wish I could. . Or put that "loose snake sign up in large letters in our front yard"... that would be fun to see their faces as they drive by.
But it would have been so nice if things were different and we were friends. I don't even expect the best of friends but just to have someone who cares and supports you during some very difficult times.
Thank you for your well wishes. We'll get through it and I pray too that my son's illness is short lived as well. Blessings to you and your family!
Posts: 167 | From Southeast Tennessee/Chattanooga/Atlanta | Registered: Oct 2012
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