kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Ever since I came down too sick to work or do household chores, I have wanted to go home.
But, where is home? Was it to go back in time to the home I owned at the beach on the Central Coast in Ca?
Or just move to that area. Something told me that wasn't the place.
Is it to own my own home again when finances allowed.
And if so...where?? Where is home.
Lately, I think when I get this thought I want to go home...
it is back to when I felt sick and gong home was a place I went to feel better and then get back to work, etc.
OK need to stop now..brain is gong off line.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
Where is my home?
Is it the sky today The way that the wind's pushing the clouds? Or is it the late-day sun Stretching the shadows over the ground That brings on these memories Of people and places I've never seen And voices so strange and so sweet Asking me softly
Where is my home?
What makes this person me? Is it the little town where I was born? Or maybe it's history, the faces of family I've never known Somewhere across the sea Where my great-grandmother left long ago Under a cold, crying moon Looking for something
Where is my home, home, home? Where is my home? Where is my home, home, home? Where is my home?
Where is my home? The walls of a city Painted with promises And words so unkind Where is my home? The trees of a country Where autumn came suddenly That I'll never find...
And then there's your face, my dear, And I know I'll never be walking alone The love in your eyes makes it clear Telling me softly
This is my home. This is my home. This is my home, home, home This is my home.
Kam, Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it - memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey.
Also, Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need.
Feel better, Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Beautiful poem, Steve and a beautiful message! I have the same feelings sometimes since I am in a state that is not my home state.
I still call Texas my home, but I don't know if we'll ever live there again. I hope so!
kam, I'm sorry you are feeling so ill that you want to escape. That must be a horrible and lonely feeling. I will continue to pray for you that all of this will improve!
For me, my "home" is knowing that Jesus is with me everyday, no matter WHERE I am.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
Kam. I understand completely. There are days I look in the mirror and cry and ask "what happened to me? Where did I go?"
I think of my mom and how she suffered with my father. Our lives in ohio.
The one guy I truly could haved loved.
Ohio brings too many painful memories. Family buried there. School days and divorce.
So while I live in texas. I dont really know where my heart is. I lost it a long time ago so this shell exists here.
But I cant go back so I just cry instead.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Randibear. I thought of this pic I saw posted on FB when I read your post Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
GretaM
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 40917
posted
Me too Kam.
I don't know where that is either, though.
I think lyme gives us that disconnect from familiar things.
Currently, your home is where Rosie is.
And my home is with my cats.
Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
| IP: Logged |
linky123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 19974
posted
I've been trying hard to process this very thing myself.
My whole family is gone with the exception of one brother and The older I get, the more nostalgic I am.
I would give anything to go back and see my mom and dad, my aunts and uncles, and to be back in the 'Mayberry' where I grew up.
It doesn't help any that I hate the place we are in now, sorry to be so negative about it. But it's just the truth.
For me, I just feel like home died with the rest of my family.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I would give anything to go back and see my mom and dad, my aunts and uncles, and to be back in the 'Mayberry' where I grew up.
--
True. That is what those who are over 40-50 years old really miss. Our original families. Our parents, our aunts and uncles, our cousins.
That whole generation is gone for me. I have one aunt left who was married to my mom's brother. She is 90.
I have one brother in Florida and one in Texas. I miss them both, but I get to see my brother in Texas twice a year. I now have a nephew in Virginia also. We are getting more and more spread out and I don't like it!!
I have 6 great nieces and nephews I have never met!! I hate that!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
linky123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 19974
posted
True. That is what those who are over 40-50 years old really miss. Our original families. Our parents, our aunts and uncles, our cousins.
^^^^
They really were 'the greatest generation'.
-------------------- 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.' Matthew 11:28 Posts: 2607 | From Hooterville | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
For me that is not it. This started when health went south.
Many people said wehre is your family when I came down sick.
Why aren't they helping?
Since I lived in the moment I had forgotten what family was like until I moved closer to them.
They are not good for ones health.
Greta...yes...for now home is where Rosie is and the cat Rosie adopted or the cat adopted us.
I need to go thru the porcess of getting a new service dog as the waiting list is long.
I know it is something I need to do but have yet to do it.
I know Rosie has been very good for my health and well being. I can't imagine life without her.
But, I know that time is coming.
And I know there is a place where I will feel at home here on earth even with health being as it is.
It helps big time when the caregiger is here. It heps to have the kitchen cleaned up a bit and food prep a bit.
She only comes 8 hrs a month. I am hoping to have that improved as having hot meals will make things better too.
I keep thinking I would like to live in a house again with my own washer and dryer, and fireplace and bath tub and garage and a fence in yard for Rosie and me.
I would like to be able to lay outdoors on my cot and be able to have Rosie off leash.
Mostly, I would like my health to improve enough I can get out adn about and do household chores myself.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
greta...not sure if i just though it or did type it out.
But, thank you for letting me know home is where Rosie is.
I had not considered that. But, so true.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
map1131
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 2022
posted
Some days I escape to home....where others understand my pain and illness, my concerns, have some ideas to help with some symptom or issue.
Some days lymenet is home. I truly don't know where I would have gone or would have done in the darkest days of all of this, if it wasn't for reading what so many others shared so graciously on this site.
This includes the traditional thinkers/supporters, the alternative posters that got me to think outside the box, the researchers posting things for me to read.
Some of you are still here today. Some of them that have moved on for whatever reason.
I have a understanding spouse(? most days) and family that will talk or listen if I need them.
I've been blessed with real faces of Lyme & co for over 2 years now. So even though it's a burden/tough sometimes, the support group we've created in KY/IN at a wonderful church is home too.
Home is where I find comfort within me. Some days that is on the couch at rest. Some days that is at my desk/computer reaching out to others who need support nearby or here on lymenet from afar.
Like reaching out to you Kam, that gives me peace and I feel at home. May you find your home dear one.
Pam
-------------------- "Never, never, never, never, never give up" Winston Churchill Posts: 6478 | From Louisville, Ky | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
So true, Pam .. so true. Not sure where I would be either without Lymenet. That is why I give back. It helped keep me from feeling so lost and alone, gave me info I needed, and provided so many laughs.
This is HOME, for sure.
Peace to all.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
Kudzuslipper
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31915
posted
Kam, being able to smell the ocean makes me feel so at peace. Often it is on vacation (usually to an ocean front) where I feel most at home. Part of that is being able to as you say... Lay out in the sun... Hearing the waves... Smelling the sea.
If I had ever lived on a beach it would be very hard to feel at home anywhere else. Is moving back a possibility at all? Could you handle it now? Not sure where you live, but could you take a day trip to the beach when the weather permits.
I know what you mean about home being where our pets are... They also are wonderful "mothers" when you need one. You know that feeling when your mom would put her cool hand on your head when you were sick? ( believe me mom was totally disfunctional too) well I feel that way when one of my dogs puts his heavy little head on my lap when I'm under the weather. To me it's better than a mothers hand!
Thank heavens for Lymenet... Where else could you say this and have people totally get it!
Feel better!
Posts: 1728 | From USA | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Yes. LN is part of my family now.
It is strange for me to comprehend but I moved to this area in 2005. I have yet to make a friend in the area.
I am not able to attend church due to health.
I do have 5 min conversations with neighbors when health allows while I am out toileting Rosie.
Most of the time less. AFter a sentence or two I am done in listening to what they have to say.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
slipper....i have considered going back to my old stomping grounds many times if I had the funds to move and help and health.
But, I would not be able to walk on the beach or do the loop I use to do due to health now.
I mostly miss my house and I can' get that back.
The area has grown big time too.
I do know there is a LLMD that takes medicare in the San Diego area. I have signed up for low income housing and have been on the waiting list since 2007.
It is on my to do list to write them again. I have not heard back from them the last few times I have written.
I do think it is a good idea to live near a LLMd that takes medicare and knows the system since my health is so low.
She could help me do what I could to get my ehalth to a higher level at least.
I am hoping to go see her at some point. AT this point, I don't even know where the paper work is that i need to fill out to see her.
Then, the next step would be an appointment.
Getting someone to drive me there. Getting the funds to travel there.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I hear San Diego is a good area for people in power chairs. But, at this point, I am not able to hold myself upright for very long...so not sure how much that would help me.
Even reclining in my power chair is out now. I need to lay flat...can't recline most of the time now.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
Kudzuslipper
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 31915
posted
I'm sorry Kam. I wish I could come there and give you hug. Are you physically able to do something luxurious for yourself. I like to give myself a facial when I'm feeling blue. And if you could arrange it.... Booking an appt for a pedicure is like a mini vacation. Virtual hugs and warmth and imaginary sounds of the ocean.
Ps. I have fantasies of moving to San Diego one day too. I've never been there.. But it sounds perfect. 72 and sunny year round.
Posts: 1728 | From USA | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged |
steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
San Deigo is wonderful. I lived there in the '70s. My how the skyline has changed though. Mostly I lived in Ocean Beach.
After living in 9 states and in over 30 houses I've learned one thing clearly... Home is where the heart is. Where ever your heart is, thats home. If you close your heart then you have closed your home.
Posts: 803 | From USA | Registered: Oct 2013
| IP: Logged |
Annie C
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 14
posted
My heart and hugs to you Kam. Im going to try and explain this as best as I can. I don't know how but I'll try. Just before I found your post. I want to go home.
I was praying and telling God that this web site will not cure me or make me better and poor me wah wah wah!!! But I also know. We / I have nowhere else to go. And be understood and accepted and cared for life's Big Phat Pharma. I can't even blame the Drs anymore. We've all been to them that want us to leave and shut up. I've been crying for years. Hoping one day I won't wake up to another day like yesterday's and there are a lot of yesterday's. I too wish all the "If Only's" hadn't happened where would I be today.
Then when I saw this I cried when I read Steve's poem, happy and sad emotions. It flooded me with everything I was thinking and wanting to go home. My family's home just sold because my Mom died, she had the house built in 1945. I've lived in 9 states I have no idea how many dwellings. And she lived there until May of 2013.
It's true when they say your home is where all your stuff is. Per George Carlin. I had to Add that smile. I'm 2000 miles away from my family. You know out of sight out of mind, that's how I feel. Lyme has taken away my living life. But I'm still here and I live alone.
It's not been easy these last few years. Cooking for 1 never fun. I rarely cook any more. Due to I get burned from boiling pasta. And I drop everything. And I just want to throw I the dish Towel too. You know call it quits, I give up I'm done, why me, how much longer before I go to My Home In Heaven. Where Joy never ends. But here I am writing very personal and some scary thoughts race through my Lyme brain. My only release is I did not do this to myself. But I do have to live by myself.
I thank you for starting this topic. It will save and give hope to so many people. Some people feel isolated and alone. Desperate for answers and many will receive these. I did. It's not something we want to talk about. Home Home Home all I want is to go Home.
Thank you for reminding me we all have a home right online. We are like family. We can talk about things and pain and anger and joy. And thank you Kam for speaking out and asking about your home.
Welcome Home Kam welcome home we are all here for each other. I remember a few tears ago. Yes years of tears. Daylight became my darkest hour. I don't know when that changed it just did. Don't give up you have opened a door for many lives into the light. Be that Kam. Be that Kam.
-------------------- May God Bless you every day. And Never say never and do not give up no matter what. We need you to help others. Posts: 1288 | From Tetons Wyoming | Registered: Oct 2000
| IP: Logged |
steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
Your true home is in God. Your True Home is. Your Home is true. You are true. You are at home even now while you are in the world, though the world is not your True Home.
Because you are at home in the world and because you are with Knowledge, you can give to the world and provide exactly what it needs, and you will want to give this sense of home to the world, which feels homeless and lost.
Upon the hour repeat this idea and look upon people in the world and see how homeless they appear to be. Remember how they are truly at home but do not realize it.
Like yourself, they are asleep at home. You are learning now to awaken from your sleep, and you are realizing that you are still at home because your Spiritual Family is with you, Knowledge is with you and your Teachers are with you.
Thus it is that you are at home in God, even though you seem to be far from your True Home now. You have brought your True Home with you. How can you be where God is not if God is everywhere?
How can you not be with your Teachers if they accompany you? How can you not be with your Spiritual Family if your Spiritual Family is ever present? It may seem contradictory that you can be away from your True Home and be at home, but you only seem to be away from Home as you look upon the world and identify with the world you see.
But within yourself you carry Knowledge, which is a reminder that you are truly at home and that you are in the world to extend your True Home into the world. For your True Home wishes to give itself to the world so that the world may find its Homecoming.
Upon the hour remember this, and in your two deep meditations return home to Knowledge. Return home in the sanctuary of your inner temple. Here you experience your True Home and here it becomes more real to you. As it becomes more real to you, it abides with you more and more in your experience. You must experience your True Home while you are in the world.
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
In 1973 I moved my two little boys 3000 miles to Calif from a beautiful and large new house. I left an abusive marriage to a place with only 1 friend. I got pnemonia. A visiting nurse helped me find apt and keep boys out of foster care.
That cheap little apt.was heaven! My boys and I were safe. Broke but safe. We slept on the floor. The nurse brought me a mattress and a vaporizer. She found preschool for boys. She brought us food. Finally I recovered, got a job, bought a cheap Toyota.
One year later I started my first company.
Now I live in a big, empty house that is sadly neglected. But my sons live a short drive away and call me. We are and always will be "home" for each other. And soon we hope to find a way to move me out and closer to them.
-------------------- DOCTOR: "I don't think you are sick." PATIENT: "We are all entitled to our opinions. I don't think you are a doctor." Posts: 697 | From Northern California | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I forgot to add that I met wonderful people in CA. They became my new family. Rarely did a holiday pass without a group around my table (card table at first!)
Now I, too, am mostly alone. I'm too exhausted and confused for social activity. I read, I write, I paint. I have enormous faith in God and in myself. I know there is a Plan and I hope I'm doing my part to carry it out.
I have outlived two husbands, my parents and many friends. I have a place to live, a loving husband, kids and grandkids. But mostly I have Me. I arrived on Earth with nothing and not by anything I did. I will depart likewise. I sincerely hope that I have made some small contribution while I was here.
If you help someone you may be surprised how you will find "family". I hope you'll consider all of us"family"!
Watch fim "Under the Tuscan Sun".
-------------------- DOCTOR: "I don't think you are sick." PATIENT: "We are all entitled to our opinions. I don't think you are a doctor." Posts: 697 | From Northern California | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
Dogsandcats
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 28544
posted
Ever since I was blessed with Lyme I have become very aware of how many family members are gone. I miss my parents very much. I dreamt about them every night when Lyme started, probably Babesia.
Home is where my puppies are playing. Home is where I am me- comfy clothes, naps and safe. Home is where my boys call and make me laugh.
I am blessed with all the people here, on Lymenet. People who don't have Lyme don't understand the importance of this board. Lyme is so discounted, by doctors, some friends and some family. Lonely disease.
I look with joy to my heavenly home. For now, I try to not look back. I try not to go too far ahead. Live the day at hand and do the best I can. And laugh....and laugh....
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
| IP: Logged |
Rumigirl
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 15091
posted
kam, I hope that you feel better soon. (I haven't been able to read all of the posts).
I have often said to my husband, "Can I go home now?" Evidently not. That is, not in the way that I meant it. I'm sure that it is a familiar feeling for many of us.
Posts: 3771 | From around | Registered: Mar 2008
| IP: Logged |
steve1906
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 16206
posted
Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
lyme in Putnam
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 11561
posted
I just want yo oh home, back yo who I am, what I do and who I love. My conviction is home and it's been gone.💔
-------------------- He took u to it, He'll you through Posts: 2837 | From NE. | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
With lyme, babs, financial issues and a divorce on the horizon I too want to go home.
My kids live all over the states due to their mom (me) wanting them to explore and expand their lives. Now I wish they were here.
I miss my "original" family too. Still have siblings but none live anywhere nearby or call. Close to only one male and it is not the same as a sister. I wish I had a sister or a friend like a sister. My best friends (3) moved away for various reasons so now I have no one who really knows me for any length of time.
This post really resonated with me and I am thankful for all of you sharing your stories.
I wish everyone a peaceful warm home and restored health.
Posts: 68 | From NE | Registered: Aug 2012
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
I wish everyone a peaceful warm home and restored health
YES!
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
Got in the car to drive Rosie and I the 3 miles to the forest/boulder area so Rosie could have some off leash time.
As soon as I started driving, the thought came to me..I want to go home again.
My body is in more pain this am and the brain also is running on empty.
Thankfu fo rthe TV to take my mind off of thing and the computer.
I am coming to learn that I want to go home means I want my healh to be better...less pain...more brain health.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
kam
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 3410
posted
One of the reasons I head out to the quiet forest area is that it gives my brain a break from all the elctrical stuff and it is quiet out there.
That did happen this am...but the pain stuff was too much so I wasn't really able to enjoy being there...not bad though...I have felt worse while out there.
Posts: 15927 | From Became too sick to work or do household chores in 2001. | Registered: Dec 2002
| IP: Logged |
The Lyme Disease Network is a non-profit organization funded by individual donations. If you would like to support the Network and the LymeNet system of Web services, please send your donations to:
The
Lyme Disease Network of New Jersey 907 Pebble Creek Court,
Pennington,
NJ08534USA http://www.lymenet.org/
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[group hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic