Topic: need support- dealing with kids (teens) when I am sick and they are egocentric
LisaK
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Member # 41384
posted
I am having such a hard time with my 3 kids. 15, 18 and 20.
They have all seemed to have such animosity towards me since I have gotten sick over the years.
I think much of it is because I have not been there for them the way they probably needed for the last 15 years!
now they are BIG and too big for me to mom- they are sort of out of control and I am losing it trying to keep up!
I wanna cry and be mad at the same time. mourning the loss of my kids and the time we never had, the time they needed, especially my younger one.
I know normal young adult stuff is to rebel or question me and hubby, and even to not want to be around us so much, but they all say how they hate our house and family.
I am so sad. and I am not sure how to get through this.
I got a book years ago - How To Have a new Kids By Friday, and I just found it the other day. a little too late maybe.
I listened to it (audio book) , the first CD and it really made sense as to how to handle their abusive words or backtalk, etc,
but now there is so much damage and so much they got away with for years that I fear it will be too late or just too hard to fix.
They have had to do for themselves in a lot of ways and us being poor hasn't helped either.- not being able to do family things together like movies or dinner out or anything fun really.
Plus, they are all sick with tick disease also and I am wondering if attitudes are dominated by parasites, etc...
this is how I feel:
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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steve1906
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Lisa,
Sorry you’re in the dumps, so sad we have more of these days than good ones.
I have four kids; two are gone out on their own, married with kids. I like, I’m (so sure) many others here feel the same way, guilty…
Just remember this –
quote: now they are BIG and too big for me to mom
– They will never be too big for you to Mom, you’re a Mom for life, they will always need you and love you! I’m sure you can’t see that now, but you will in the years to come.
You can’t fix the past, that’s ok; it’s the future that matters. Don’t feel guilty; just do the best that you can.
I lost a lot of years with my kids; I’m trying my best to do better now. No matter how I feel I keep reminding myself how many years I lost, that helps me to go forward and spend more time with my family.
quote:I know normal young adult stuff is to rebel or question me and hubby, and even to not want to be around us so much, but they all say how they hate our house and family.
This is normal as far as I’m concerned, try and talk more with them.
Ask simple questions every day, (what are your plans today – how was school – let’s make dinner together – play games ETC…
Keep listening to your book, I know it will help.
Don't thrive on damage already done, put your energy into the future.
I’m glad you wrote this, not glad you’re going through it though. It reminds us all to try harder with our family and friends.
Hope you feel better soon, Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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LisaK
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posted
thanks Steve.
I am just not sure I can take the daily beating they dish out.
I do talk to them and they tell me how I am stupid and bothering them. It hurts. My 18 yo says "no moms ask these kind of questions!" when all I said was "was the party fun?"
grrrrrr
they just won't give me a break
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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steve1906
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Doses your husband help you? He should be on the front line when they talk to you that way.
Steve
-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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LisaK
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Member # 41384
posted
he tries.
he had a bad example for a dad figure
and.... found out his brain deteriation over the last several years is from lyme and co after I was dx.
it's like two dummies raising crazy kids. I am not kidding. ok, we are not actually dumb, but way dumber than we used to be. it's like being on drugs or something- we can't remember enough and can't follow through with most anything.
we joke about if we had a reality show we would be super rich because our house is a funny farm.
so, husband tries, but no, doesn't really step in the right way. he pretty much just yells.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
Lisa-i have gone thru what you are going thru. My kids are 45,40,30and29.
Ppl here have helped me for years. In my case my husband also had lyme but neither of us knew it. He also had awful parenting that affected the way he parented. I think he was attracted to me as a mom too-not a mate...after 13 yrs of counseling i divorced him. Withun a year he found a woman and togethet they did helpwith the kids...but she also got lyme (but they are both in denial and are treating for all kinds of things without putting the lyme lable on it). So they have struggled and are having financial and other problems...and my reason for saying all this is-the kids feel sorry for them and help them cuz they are "really" sick...not like me with lyme.
I have been told by the kids i am sick because i am selfish and if i would lose weight i would get better and i am not allowed to say "lyme" around them or they wont talk tome
So the point is how can this help you.
-im wondering why the 20 yo is still at home...if he is not paying for room and board or if he is disrespectful to you he needs to leave. Tuff love. You pay the rent...if he is there he abides by your rules and one of them is to respect you -when the 18 yo graduates...same applies -the 15 yo will be easier if he is the only one...but he still has to respect you if he is in your home
All kinds of things happened to me during this time-i was too tired to shop for prim.clothes, plan weddings...too broke to give expectrd presents....im sure a lot of what you are going thru
Our situations are different-but in general i prioritized, got help and support any where i could, i felt the stab of guilt when i couldnt do what a mom.is expected to do...but then i learned to let it go...your doing your best...you need to let the bad feelings go cuz the stress of them will make you sicker and then you wont be able to do asmuch
If the 28 and20 yo have a basic knowledge of lyme and refuse treatment i think you can tell them you dont agree but i dont think you can force them
You have a little more influence over the 15 yo but i know at 16 mine refused tx. I made them go to one sessionwith a ll social worker so a third party made sure they understood what could happen if they stopped tx and then i let go
I kept trying to get better myself and keep up on new devopments with lyme so i could help them when and if they needed it
Thats what happened and i was ready...but it really isnt a happy ending...
Lisa i just typed a lot to give you an idea of what i went thru and am still going thru. I would be glad to talk to you and give you the name of the ll social worker. Shes very good. She will do it by phone and might have a sliding scale
Pm.me if you wnt to talk on phone...if you search me on here you will see many posts about me and my kid problems
Tincup toldme a long time ago to 'take care of you". Its really important
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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Member # 41384
posted
kayak, wow.
I appreciate your wisdom.
Luckily my kids (and husband) do take their treatments, but complain nonetheless.
Every dr I have seen about this has said to take care of me first. I didn't see it then 'cause I worried they were so sick too (before they tested), but now I understand that. If I can't be well enough to help others I can't help them, right?
20 yo is home on summer break from university. I told her today if she didn't like it here she should get her own place.
she has boyfriend. his car is broken and lives far, so she asked if he could spend the night on the sofa so today they could get an early start on a day together.
I said ok, reluctantly, but he was NOT alowed upstairs in her bedroom. (he has been hanging out there and I don't like that).
he woke up and went up stairs to wake her. ugh. she said she never told him my rule, so now I guess I have to.
When I was 20 I had two jobs and went to school part time and had my own car with my own payments, etc.
they just feed off of us, but she has no money either, so what do I do? Also, she is in treatment for parasites and I think it's making her act really erratically. he lyme treatment hasn't started yet, but she has it the worst after me.
well, I could go on forever.
I guess I will have to take baby steps. I am trying to learn that concept still..... this lyme has taught me. or is trying to teach me. I am a very impatient person.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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surprise
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posted
If you are looking for .02 cent advice (lpkayak had golden experience)
Lay it down. Gather up your Bart bite and lay it down: No boyfriend in the bedroom. No speaking to me disrespectfully, horribly.
It's not good. Show them. Don't allow people to treat you this way. Don't fight or argue. But don't allow it. Yes, put your own oxygen mask on first, just like in a plane crash.
-------------------- Lyme positive PCR blood, and positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011. low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012. Update 7/16- After extensive treatments, doing okay! Posts: 2518 | From USA | Registered: Nov 2011
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LisaK
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posted
yes surprise I picture that oxygen mask!
but....
how do I implement what I want? I am so tired and weak a huge percent of the time. I think they got used to me being a huge pushover and unable to pay attention and now they abuse the situation.
it's like it happened over night. and now they step all over me. I have no umpf left.
If I try and be firm I get mixed up and mess up what I was saying. it is just depressing.
they didn't used to be like this, but neither was I.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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surprise
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posted
I'm sorry. Hard to give advice over the Internet- I don't have the answers. Just thinking out loud,
I would get together with your H for a heart to heart- need to be a team. Write stuff down, then have a family meeting with all the kids, mandatory.
Be honest. It's out of control, not healthy, not setting an example for your youngest. You and H have opened the home to the oldest, but it's YOUR home.
Here are the rules, X Y and Z. Please don't speak rudely and disrespectfully (this will only work if you and your H don't speak like to each other, either.)
Tell them you are trying to get well, can't live in the stress. Things absolutely have to change.
Good thoughts---
-------------------- Lyme positive PCR blood, and positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011. low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012. Update 7/16- After extensive treatments, doing okay! Posts: 2518 | From USA | Registered: Nov 2011
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lpkayak
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posted
I agree with surprise. When my oldest went to college i told him iwas really sorry but i didnt have a room.for him. Im not proud of this but it was true. Whrn he left the two youngest were 4 and 5 and a boy and a girl. They had been sqished in a little room since they were born That son got a job at ups-and a room to start then small apt-he was on his own
The second had severe dyslexia and it was a miracal he grad hs I paid for his first yr college he played around, i paid tuition only for next yr...at college that specialized in special needs...he paid
for off campus apt...had law suit when roommates wrecked it, got ticket for drunk driving...he didnt get his 16 credits so i said i was done (l had warned him) he stayed two more years but didnt graduate
He came home for a short time to look for job but he playrd music loud at night when the little kids and i needed to sleep and ln the.morning when i got up the kitchen was a mess frim his entertaining...i warned him and i kicked him.out...for ten yrs he went from.job to job and woman to woman(hes a cutie) and he finally settled down-hes the one who just had the baby...we have had agood relationship-well...appropriate mother/son relationship for quite awhile now. A few yrs ago he asked for helpwhen cluster headaches stopped him from working. His igenex test was more pos than any of us-but the headaches went awzy and stayed awzy with a month if doxy so he is in denial that it was lyme...he does complain a little about other sx -memory, forgetfulnes...but denies it could be lyme
So the lesson here is it doesnt end. They get independent...they marry and want to deny the crappy childhood they had with a sick mom...they adopt their wives families beliefs that lyme is not a big deal and you need to be quiet-well i do-when i hear about engorgrd tick on nursing mom, leaf litter and black dogs, pos sd ibl
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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lpkayak
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posted
Possible transmission of lyme thru placenta...i just keep quiet and shake it off when he says if i thimk positive i will get better
I let it go cuz if i dont i wont see him or the baby ever
So...it doesnt end. All my kids appear successful and healthy to the outside world but i hear about lingerung sx in all of them and know the bugs are cookin inside
I dont know what the future brings...i will help if i can...but i couldnt let them come live with me. I would lose my fight with the bugs
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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Do not let them make you feel guilty!! They're manipulating you to make you feel bad! (all kids will if you let them)
They didn't come with instruction manuals and you did the best you could with what you had - which is more than lots of kids get!
American kids are so frigging spoiled, they walk around with this "poor me" attitude if they don't get to live like Hollywood rock stars that they see on reality TV!
Kids all over the world are starving and being raised in war-torn countries, while our kids complain if they have to "suffer" with last year's iPhone!
It sucks that they're infected, but they're luckier than most, since they have a mom that knows what's wrong with them and offers the help that they need.
Your kids are the lucky ones and you need to let them know it! They have 2 parents (still married to each other) and they're living in the richest country and time that the world has ever seen.
There have been a couple of articles this week about kids that got sick and their parents and doctors couldn't figure it out.
-------------------- One day closer to being cured..... Posts: 104 | From Wisconsin | Registered: Jan 2014
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surprise
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posted
Amen pointermom! Amen! It's so true, every word.
-------------------- Lyme positive PCR blood, and positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011. low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012. Update 7/16- After extensive treatments, doing okay! Posts: 2518 | From USA | Registered: Nov 2011
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GretaM
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All excellent points.
So kind of everyone to share.
Wish I could help too Lisa, but I'm not a mom.
I do agree with pointermom. A roof over our heads, and food three times a day. We are more fortunate than 80% of the rest of those on the planet.
Not that it helps your stressful household currently.
Praying for you. Sending hugs your way.
Greta
Posts: 4358 | From British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jun 2013
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LisaK
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posted
everyone's so nice- even in your "tough love" for me.
I appreciate every word.
I totally agree. my kids are spoiled. not from money, but from an ideal.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard "we never go on vacation" , "we can't do anything fun", "everyone in my class has their own car", " I need a better phone"..... blah blah blah
and it sickens me to watch them in this world of instant gratification after a decade of another (thing)raising them, getting sucked in by every thing I have always stood against.
that other thing being 'the world' or simply, not the mom I wanted to be.
I breast fed them , the youngest til 3 and only stopped 'cause I had emergency surgery. I homeschooled them for over a decade. I made all food from scratch and cooked with 90% organic ingredients. I taught them
that evil was wrong, and not to let anyone take away the truth from them.... that all people are equal, that you must work hard to get something, cheap ****ty clothes are not appropriate, to always say please and thank you, never cursed and rarely drank....
I tried to instill faith in them as a #1 priority.
my best of friends tell me I did the best I could and the kids have a strong foundation and nothing more I can do.
but, I don't think that is true- not totally. one thing I truly taught them was to think for themselves. maybe this is my demise?
I think the family meeting thing is long over due.
I hope my husband and I can muster up enoough umpph to do it and not make a big yelling mess as most things turn out to be around here.
you all made great points. points I know, but may have forgotten or needed to renew in myself.
I really have grown to hate this disease. it is a true destroyer. I try to not even go there when my mind slips into thinking about what will become of this disease(s) for them later down the road.
all is appreciated, thanks for posting everyone. I need to hear it again and again to get my engines going. This sickness has somehow made me comfortably numb. I really hate what it is and what it has done to me.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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beaches
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posted
IMO you need to take back your power as the mother of the household.
It is the mothers who set the tone of the household and decide what is tolerable and what is not.
It is NEVER acceptable for a child of any age to disrespect his or her mother, much less one who is living in a home paid for by his/her parents!
I have had health problems my entire adult life. Lyme/cos is a relative newcomer. I have sick kids. I agree that tough love is in order. Let your kids know the rules. If they choose to ignore them, throw them out. Yes, it sounds harsh, but sometimes that kind of reality check is warranted.
It is unacceptable that your 20 yo has a bf in her room. Throw him out if he does it again! BFs and GFs need to respect family (mom) rules! Your family meeting is long overdue to say the least!
Reclaim your power! YOU are THEIR mother!
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lpkayak
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I remember reading once-and of course i cant remember where-that we do not own our kids...we get to have them for awhile to nurture and love and to try to guide...but then we have to let them go on their own journey...to learn what they will
Kicking them out of the nest is part of it...
Like lyme...raising kids is complicated
But knowing that i did my best when they were with me allows me to not feel.guilty if they hve troubles now that they areon theirown...i did my best with what i had and knew t the time...thatis all that canbe asked of a person
And they.need to.move out of the comfortable.nest youhave made for them so they can continue to lern and grow
I know this is not eady todo...but i believeit is what needs tyo be done...so everyone benefits
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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kayak, I just don't see how a full time student can move out. that is, without getting into a situation like living with a boyfriend or on the street. Neither of those is a solution to my heartache.
they each do have a goal to leave. they tell me all the time. 18 yo is going to college next month and tells us she doesn't even want us to visit her. HA!
she will be begging for help I suspect. she has a lot of learning disabilities and I am just praying she stays afloat.
we don't pay for college. they do it all on their own. every penny, except for the initial first year deposit of a cuople hundred $.
I think what we have in our home is love/hate relationship. a roller coaster ride. true disfunction, but with love.
and some psychological aspects as well- three kids with brain injuries from early childhood. yes, sad but true. I think each of their head traumas has also played a roll here in functioning.
they are each very smart but have areas of the brain that are below normal with development.
I will explain here if anyone is interested- if not go to end and skip the long story:
there was an unfortunate accident when #1 child was newly born. we had her in the car seat while we were around the house since they are detachable and who wants to wake a sleeping baby, right?
so, this chair was an easy thing to take advantage of around the house. it also had a handle that would snap up and down out of the way. sometimes the handle wouldn't be just right in place. this would cause a sudden movement with the chair part
one time, at the bottom of the steps, my husband (DH) was going up the steps to change and was taking the baby up with him. the handle wasn't right and the chair flipped and the unstrapped infant fell out and landed facedown on the hardwood floor.
DH was devastated of course.
story gets better.....
2.5 years later DD #2 was born. believe it or not, same scenario happened again! flip, thump. DH yelled, "NOT AGAIN!!" and there were lots of tears from all of us.
this DD #2 also, fell out of our bed one time and got a concussion with a black eye and had trouble walking after that. she was about 10 months old. yes, early walker. she also changed after some vaccines down the road a bit, but that is another story....
kid #3 was born, and good for him we figured out how not to flip babies on the floor by that time! but, he could crawl at 4 months old and he walked at 7 months.
this enabled him to jsut about climb where ever he wanted and while we tried our best to alwyas be on top of him, we did have two other small children and, unknowingly, tick diseases starting to make us *stupid*.
needless to say, he fell quite a bit and hit his head many times. so much so that I asked pediatrician for a baby helmet to protect his little brain. dr denied it and kind of laughed, I remember.
maybe they just didn't have them then like they do now?
I used to do a lot of research because I just enjoyed that kind of reading. I was always interested in t he brain. I remember reading how head trauma can affect later social life- hitting in the front can lead to
being socially inept without realizing you are. being damaged in the back of head also brings on social ineptness, but leaves you aware that you don't fit in.
I see these things in the kids. especially #1 who had gotten worse over the years as her lyme progressed.
#2 tested neg for lyme, babs, bart, etc., but tested + for candida and some parasites along with chronic Coxsackievirus and varicella.
I know this all may sound as excuses, but it is the truth and to me warrants a good look when deciding how to handle things.
this is how my brain works....for better or worse. I know some people think I over-think. my thirst for truth and learning is a good thing to me. but, it also can leave me with too much thought when emotional situations arise- especially with my anxious, sometimes paranoid tick brain.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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LisaK
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posted
Beaches,thank you, you are right! I AM the mom! I know I must take (re) charge. that is why I posted this here- for support. this is waht I need. to charge me up.
I have become so wimpy with this disease. it makes me sick. I seem to have lost the old me. the tougher me that could think crystal clear.
how do I get that person back?????
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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lpkayak
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Lisa-somehow i thought they were all boys. It would be harder with girls. Esp when she has already shown you she is comfortable with bf in bedroom
My oldest sonwas mature beyond his years-strong work ethic and his goal in life was to be rich before he was a father...and he got that way seeing me struggle as single.mom putting myself thru college with 2 sons and 25.00 a month child support...it was ruff...
The second had so many learning problems i couldnt fix(they were all dyslexic, but for some reasons i found the right techers and programs for the 1 st &3 rd...but not the 2 nd even tho i tried way harder with him)
The result was his attitude, chip on shoulder and substsnce abuse. He had 4 yrs college and was 22-23 when i actually kicked him out
It is hard. But there needs to be a line they cant cross. Or they feel it. I was raising kids in 70 s and 80 s-very different world
Does she have a phone...can you take it if she doesnt comply? Ive heard that works...i dont buy the excuse but she needs it to be safe...but i am not amom in this day and age...maybe the younger moms here have more relevnt ideas
You do know you have to take care of you...
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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posted
well, what happened about bedroom is this:
her BF was just graduating from college and his roomate bailed on him at the last minute so he had no where to stay for 2 weeks as he couldn't afford the apartment on his own.
we RELUCTANTLY said he could stay with us. My DD decided to give him HER room and bed and had herself sleep on the floor with her sister in the other room
insane, yes I know.
so now whenever he comes over he thinks like it's a free roaming hotel!
he eats here and they just annoy me how they just take take take and never give. like he has a full time job now. why hasn't he taken us to eat or bought us flowers or a card or bottle of wine????
He lost his dad at a young age and he doesn't like his mom much and he is from Florida so he can't really just go there if he already had a job lined up.... whatever
he was doing laundry here and even after he got in his apartment. My washer was on the brink so that was an easy fix as it leaked water all over and told him no more laundry.
I am surprised since we got our new one that he hasn't acke dto do it here again. maybe he comes over when we are out!!! Grrr.
can you tell I don't really like him? I mean, he is nice, but so immature and self absorbed. DD is seeing that and trying to get him to change.
uggh
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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lpkayak
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posted
Well...hes got a job. Thts a start
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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posted
she has a phone. she purchased it and makes payments on the actual phone, but I pay for family service.
I turn off the 15 yo boy's texting sometimes when he is rude or whatever and that does help for that time.
I wish I had the nerve to shut down their phones completely, but what always stops me is then they can contact me if there is an emergency, or what if I need to get ahold of them? I get so anxious thinking about tragedy! it's crazy
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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Dogsandcats
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Oh sweet LisaK.....guilt starts at conception. We worry about what we ate, drank and touched. Then they are born and the guilt compounds....I remember my dad, sweetest man in the whole world, decided to weigh my sister (this is in the late 1940's) because she was so thin. He put her on the scale- on top of the tall boy dresser- and she rolled off onto the floor. They laughed about it. I am sure my dad felt terrible and watched her. But...kids got hurt, accidents happened.
Our world is one of accusations and judgements on what we do as parents. Most of us are just doing the best we can.
It sounds to me like you have done the best you can. There is no perfect parent or there would have to be perfect children!
Try this...try not to engage with their crap talk. I would try and talk and reason, that is not going to work. You have 3 professional teenagers who could argue a point until the end of time. My boys could work every angle until my eyes were spinning.
Stay on topic. If you are talking about the boyfriend- stay on that. They have a way of bringing up everything since they were born. Say- we are talking about this. We can cover that later.
Smile. I remember trying to smile because my face was always reflecting my pain. I didn't want them to remember my sour pain face.
They won't always be teenagers. My oldest who was my sanity test case kid- now is much better and does appreciate more.
Breathe......find humor where you can.....and love them.
Someone once said about teenagers: now you know why some animals eat their young.
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
Dogsandcats that was funny! Lisa, you've received so much good advice by everyone!
If I could add one more piece of advice it would be to determine what is and what is not your problem. Your DD's BF's roommate issue, his issues with his family, him being far from home ARE NOT your problem!! Nor are his issues your responsibility!!
You have to lay down the law, and sooner than later. Write down your rules of the household and give copies to your kids. If they disrespect you, take appropriate action.
For instance, if the 20 yo does not respect your rule that the bf is not allowed in the home unless you are present you need to throw her out. I know she is sick. I know she will have nowhere to go. But I also know that mothers are not doormats and that sometimes some kids need to learn lessons the hard way.
as for the BF, toss him out the minute he goes to your daughter's room.
Adopt your own zero-tolerance policy. You have that right as their mother, sick or not. Take back your power. Being sick doesn't mean you have to tolerate poor behavior!,
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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LisaK
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posted
yes Beaches, I am very thankful for everyone here. this place is my only real lyme 'friend'.
dogsandcats, thanks for that. what a good reminder. I do get caught up in the moment and the last 2 weeks, especially the last few days, have been crazier than usual.
I think my hormones are outa whack too so that compounds the issues for sure. I realize _now_ that some of my feelings were PMS.
right, that BF issues are not mine. I have been working on this aspect of myself for years- to let go of other people's burdens. I don't really know why I take on the everything of other people.
I have always been that was since I remember, even in young childhood, so maybe I was born with that overcharged empathy?
writing down rules! I like that!
I am working on rules. I had an oportunity the other day to put into play my action when son gets mouthy.
I did the steps I set out to do and then fizzled because I forgot to follow thru with the consequence! Maybe I should write down my discipline outline for me to remind me- cheat notes!
this is what happens.... I can't seem to remember things and then it's too late to act on the past issue since the next problem is right there and a different one, with him or one of the girls
it is like a circus . Im sure it sounds very confusing too. when they are all together it is so unpleasant much of the time.
Maybe I can find those necklaces that go on your neck, like for mentally challenged people, with cards attached to tell their caregivers what to do. that's what I need for myself
then I can reference them immediately!
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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LisaK
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posted
you people are really helping. I am gaining some confidence back with this issue.
thank you so much!
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
I have always been very empathic too, and reading your reply reminded me that I too have always been involved in everyone else's "everything" !! What a great way to state that!
I have always been the first one to help, to cook a meal, to offer advice, to be the shoulder to cry on, But I have have also always been tough as nails.
So I was usually able to ascertain who was taking advantage or was just a user. As I've gotten older, my radar has gotten better and my tolerance level has decreased.
I figured out awhile back that my tolerance level of certain relatives was too high and I was overlooking and excusing bad behavior to try and preserve "family" as I am the only one who goes out of the way to bring people together.
Yes, me the sick one, with the sick kids. That's always been my role and I did it proud, but no more. The price I pay is too much, both financially as well as physically before, during and after.
I became that harda$$ mother because I had to. We are better as a family now because I drew a line in the sand that was crossed a time too many and I took drastic action that I never in a million years would have thought I would do. Husbands IMO are incapable of doing this. It's the mothers who are the bad guys....always.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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surprise
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posted
"It's the Mothers who are the bad guys...always."
Yep. So true. But it needs to be done. And done right ;-)
My x- husband (we have 1 child together, teenage boy, who's great, knock knock knock, thank you God.)
but X says to me: 'You tell me when you need back up.' And X is a hammer with horrible long lectures, so I play that card only when necessary, lol.
-------------------- Lyme positive PCR blood, and positive Bartonella henselae Igenex, 2011. low positive Fry biofilm test, 2012. Update 7/16- After extensive treatments, doing okay! Posts: 2518 | From USA | Registered: Nov 2011
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
Therapists have told me more than once the kifs are awful for meand good for dad cuz they know i will always love them no matter what they do. dad. with held affection so they arent so sure about him
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
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posted
I really think 20 yo symptoms are getting worse. she is starting to forget things she just said to me.
how do I keep from freaking out? shes supposed to go back to college and LEARN?
she is having trouble with her BF now, and they cannot really communicate with each other very well.
I talked to her today about maybe should shouuld not even have a boyfrind if she cna't talk to him about her diseases. he needs to know that a rough road may be ahead. She still talks about her old BF and how he was so much more this and that
She is really caught up in all her negatives . no money, no job, no friends, bad BF relationship, crazy family.....
the scientist in me keeps telling me that she needs help with her treatment stage. the mom in me keeps saying help her.
I was definitely tougher the last couple days on them all.
husband is like a crazy man with his lyme. he gets so irrational at times and sends us all into a frenzy. he is delaying his treatment. I may have to tell him it's treatment time or get out time.
I really have a problem with people that don't help themselves when the easy answer is right there. (yes, I know I will probably receive feedback on this statement here! hahaha)
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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lpkayak
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posted
Lisa...you have so much going on. Do you know about the LL social worker who does therapy with families dealing with lyme stuff...she will do it on phon. Let me know if you need numbere
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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Dogsandcats
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posted
It is hard when a whole family is sick- especially with LYME! If it was the flu you would know what to do and it would be over within a short time. Lyme is horrible, no quick fix and there is no instruction book.
Say your peace with your kids and then try and let it go. At a certain point they are gunna do what they want- I sure didn't listen to my parents- they were old and out of date!
Try to watch a funny movie, read a funny book- anything to give your soul some laughter. Maybe it might lighten your load.
Hugs....
-------------------- God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Billy Graham Posts: 1967 | From California | Registered: Oct 2010
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beaches
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38251
posted
If DD symptoms are getting worse, maybe you can get a phone (or in person) appt ASAP before she begins college?
IMO don't have anymore discussions about the BF. She is only 20 and odds are that if she is seeing problems, she will take care of it herself. Remember, we mothers don't understand!
The best thing you can do for her is to be the constant in her life. Just always be there. Let her know how much you love her. She will always remember that.
I know how tough it is when they are sick with no friends, etc. That's why you have to muster up all the strength you have to be a force in their lives...tough love, fighting for them, having family time like shared meals, games, TV shows, movies, letting them know you love them.
It's an understatement to say it's horrendous when all/most of the family is sick. I totally get that. It can really tear a family apart.
Kayak is right about the LL social worker. You should have a phone appt with her.
Posts: 1885 | From here | Registered: Jul 2012
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lpkayak
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posted
Beachs' third paragraph is how i have been living for awhile
My youngest is thirty...and many of you have seen me go thru a ruff time these last ten yrs
I hope you straighten it out sooner than i did
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
kayak, yes! I actually spoke to her months ago. before I knew my kids were infected. I forgot all abuot her! she , I think, was the one that sent me to my current dr. maybe.....
yes, please PM me her number. I think I have it, but it may be someone different I am thinking of.
thanks!
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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LisaK
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posted
I really like everyone's opinion here.
what I have been doing this week is a littel of all of it I guess.
I am realy trying to stay afloat, talk to Jesus, relax when I need to , be tough when I can.
I have also been trying to bring back a little of my old self- what I have been hearing from all the kids.... "you used to bake al lthe time" is one thing that they have said. I know they miss the old me.
I made huge meals and all from scratch.
I have been trying to cook better dinners at least lately. and some comfort food here and there.
what is on my mind this week is the 2 girls leaving for college in late August. how will they survive? will they be better at least? will the oldest be able to keep up with her new courses and even retain what she is taught?
yesterday daughter #2 got 2 vaccines she needed for dorm life. today she woke up and was vomiting for 30 minutes and has not gotten up all day.
I am very concerned of course. she is still pushing me away. her temp was low and she feels like an ice cube. she looks so pale too.
Maybe she shouldn't have gotten the shots. they wanna give her meningitis shot end of this week! no way.
so now this is all on my brain. plus my parents are old and sick, my FIL is dying, and my best friend has such obvious lyme symptoms, but has no time to take care of herself due to dying mom and being sole breadwinner...
like everyone here, there is much on my plate. I am going to use all your advice and blend it together. thanks again everyone! it's all so very helpful
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3592 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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