randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
my one sister is trying so desperately to help the other one.
after work yesterday, she drove over and met the carpet cleaner. she and her husband moved furniture and all and worked until after dark.
the sister comes home and starts complaining about how everything is not back in place, there's stuff in the kitchen, she can't get to her bathroom, the carpet is still damp.
i swear I would have exploded. ugrateful brat...
I don't understand people. we're paying for this. what is her problem?
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Family behaving badly is really hard to take on a regular basis. I can sense you care very deeply about your sister and the rest of your family.
Sometimes giving is just that and we can't expect anything positive back at the moment. Perhaps, in my belief, you are building good karma and good things will come back to you in different ways, outside your family.
This is such a good space and there is so much good energy and really great people here. I'm glad you share yourself and trust us and this forum.
Hang in there!
Edessa
Posts: 138 | From Eden Prairie, MN | Registered: Dec 2011
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
Are you going to be able to handle going down there to stay with her?
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
well i seriously don't know. I've sent over 1700 dollars to help her and danie has spent way more than that.
I told danie when we finish helping her get on her feet then I quit. she's 65 years old and can't take care of herself. you try to help her and she complains.
she will embarrass the heck out of you in a restaurant by degrading and insulting the poor staff. you want to crawl under the table.
she never appreciates the help. i've sent her stuff and never got a response. no call, card, nothing.
I'm going to try and tough it out and then I'm finished.
I don't need the stress. and I'm going to deal with those people no matter what she says.
I just don't understand people like this.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
Can you come back and cut the visit short if it is too much for you?
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
well I don't know anything about knee replacement surgery recovery. she's having therapists come in for stuff.
husband will drive back alone and i'll fly home later. we have a cruise planned leaving november 28 but I sure as heck ain't staying that long.
I'll have to pay for all food, gas, eating out, etc plus airfare back. maybe stay a month.
she lives in north dayton and not a good area. in fact it scares me to death. wish she'd get a security system. we have one and our neighborhood is fine but she can't afford it.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
You are a good sister Randi.
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I think she will only need help about 2-4 wks. Unless you have to be there to drive her to therapy. Not sure how long therapy lasts.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96222 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
So shes having knee replaced? Shes gonna have to grow up fast to get thru therapy. If she doesnt push the knee wont work. Therapy is the key and its pretty ruff. Plus they give you so many pain pills to get thru therapyvyou are dependent andthen they take them away cold turkey.
I wouldnt want tobe in your shoes. I thought you were going there to get away from a bad situation. Hard to tell which is worse. Good luck randi...but your in pretty ruff shape. I dont see how or why your doing this
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
I have another sister who is flat broke, still working at 72, married to a beater who has alcoholic son in his 40s living with them. so she can't help at all.
danie has been supporting this sister, who has severe ra, for years. her husband has had it. I think they're completely burned out.
so bottom line, I'm left. danie and I do ok financially so we're stuck. she takes care of her all year long. believe me it's a job.
my husband has already said after this no more..and I agree.
she caused this situation and we're left to clean it up.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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momindeep
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7618
posted
You will probably need to tell her straight out, no more bailouts.
Posts: 1512 | From Glenwood City WI | Registered: Jul 2005
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
yes indeed. she's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice....
I plan on maybe a month. I can't leave my husband to pay bills on time. one month he forgot to pay several and the others he paid early but paid the late fee. course they kept the money. bless his heart....
they've got to understand I have a life and I won't be supporting her. im going to take heat over it but I've done my share.
after all I still remember how they treated me when momma died.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- What if she really is doing the best she can and she is trying to make light of it to hide her insecurities or mistakes? What if things just did not work out as she had hoped (even if, in hindsight, she knows mistakes were made)? She may be afraid to admit to errors of judgment to others.
As long as there is resentment or any ill feelings - either direction - it is just going to add to ill health for all concerned.
As seemingly impossible as it may seem . . .
If there might be a way to go and be there with her - meeting her "where she is at" without judgment it will be better for your health. Otherwise, your blood pressure and many other bodily functions could just hit the deck or send you to the moon.
Resentment is toxic, regardless of the back story or who's at "fault" of whatever errors. Somehow, maybe at least try on the idea of a new page or a neutral zen bubble of sorts -- at least for this particular task / time there. For your own sake, at least. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- To be able to "meet her where she is at" - to understand how she may be feeling / what kind of front she may be putting up, a few points of perspective here might help your health a bit as some "Recalibration" is attempted on various levels.
I'll bet that just about everyone who has made mistakes had high hopes to start with. Some may be so lonely they just pick whomever comes along to scoop up into their life before they've had time to really get to know them.
Of course, with housemates, this can be beyond a boomerang effect. Yet, tenderness helps when an error does come back to clobber anyone in the head.
4 reasons to embrace your mistakes, as told by a 'wrongologist.'
What if being wrong is actually kind of right?
Excerpts:
. . . Kathryn explains that being wrong itself isn't what makes us feel terrible. Instead, it's what we tell ourselves when we look down and realize we're wrong.
We assume all kinds of bad things about ourselves in that moment, which sends us into a spiral of angst, frustration, and bad feelings. . . .
. . . Looking at it this way makes being wrong seem (a little bit) smarter than being right.
Kathryn says that when we're obsessed with our rightness, we put up walls between ourselves and the world — and her mission is to "normalize" being wrong. What if instead we embraced wrongness as the thing that most helps us connect with the people around us? . . .
. . . 4. Maybe being wrong is actually the only thing we can count on as humans. . . .
"Wrongologist" Kathryn Schulz makes a compelling case for not just admitting but embracing our fallibility. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
keebler, I understand your concern but you must know this kind od behavior has been going on for years.
my sisters begged and pleaded with her don't let those people move in. she did.
she met a man and was giving him money to remodel her house. he didn't do one thing. took her for plenty. turns out he's married and she was sleeping with him.
my sister loaned her a car and said in order to pay insurance and license we'll put it in your name. she totalled it, kept the 4 grand insurance money and said oh well it was in my name.
she borrowed 18 grand from my sister and said she'd make payments. she paid a couple times then stopped. danie couldn't bear to take her to court.
and I could go on and on.
no we've done enough. how much do you give and give? at some point this person must stand or fall.
she won't go to counseling they've tried.
and gratitude is not in her genes.
even dr phil could not help her.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- It's not about others changing but about us changing when we find ourselves in such chaos. Sure, we'd like others to "see the light" and "get it" and function fully. But that is just not even possible for all.
What if one is really doing the best they can? No one else can determine that. But we can change how we conduct ourselves and that includes the way we harbor disgust for others regarding their actions.
Because . . . if you, your mind, your body embody resentment, distain & blame, that resultant toxicity is then inside of you, killing your very cells and hampering your bodily functions.
She is what / who she is. But that does not have to etch away the lining of your blood vessels, as that is what the toxicity of ill feeling does to any person.
If there is a way to not have your body spasm in disgust over how your sister has in the past made decision or still holds current patterns -
if you can let go of that and let your sister be who she is [with your clear boundaries of how you will or won't get involved on the practical / financial end] how well you can let that not eat away at you, is for your benefit as much as for hers, emotionally & physically.
Resentment & blame are highly charged and highly toxic. Harboring disgust for another destroys us, too. Few have the answers that can just melt this away but when it's possible to step out from under that, it can be amazing what kinds of changes seem to occur then, for all. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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