randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
my sister called in hysterics. the one sister who has ra just got fired.
neither sister can take her in. she's in debt up to her ears.
I can't send money home. ive already done it several times and husband has said no more.
I don't know what they are going to do.
one sister said go against husband and send money. I can't do that...
what am I going to do? we've all tried to help her but she would never listen....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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aklnwlf
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 5960
posted
Isn't she entitled to unemployment benefits? She needs to file ASAP!
-------------------- Do not take this as medical advice. This comment is based on opinion and personal experience only.
Alaska Lone Wolf Posts: 6162 | From Columbus, GA | Registered: Jul 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
nope not when you're fired...at least that's what ohio office told her.
she's had a history of tardiness and, dang, this time she mixed up some patients records.
I told her not to take 5 months off for knee replacement but she wouldn't listen. said she didnt want to go back to work. damn....my friend went back in six weeks, on crutches, but hey he was back.
she wouldn't listen. having a job is a privilege not a right...
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Back before I became totally disabled due to Lyme I managed a local office for a civil engineering/land surveying firm.
Over a five year period, we fired three employees for serious offenses, two for stealing in which we had multiple witnesses to the act, and one for not going to a jobsite as a survey crew chief and instead going to his house all day.
In the case of the crew chief going to his house all day, we had gps tracking data on our work truck plus statements from the other crew members.
All three filed for unemployment, and 2 of 3 received it, including the survey crew chief. We presented all of our evidence to the administrator handling the case, and had a phone consultation, but those 2 got their benefits anyway.
She might not get it, but at least file if that is possible in your state and let it go through the system including appeals.
Posts: 233 | From ft. myers, florida | Registered: Apr 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
did they hire lawyers? she doesnt have money for that.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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They simply told their side of the story as they wanted it heard as to why they should not have been fired. We did the same, including in the phone interview with the case manager.
We had very good evidence in all three cases, and yet 2 of the 3 still got benefits. I was told by someone in our companies HR department that this was often the result, as the agencies are somewhat overwhelmed and will give the benefit of the doubt to employees in many cases.
Posts: 233 | From ft. myers, florida | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I don't know any of the story, but if she had knee replacement surgery as said above, that will play to her favor.
A real life human making a decision, as will happen in this case, is going to be sympathetic to someone who has had major health problems and is trying to recover from those problems.
I don't know whether she deserved to be fired or not, but neither will the examiner to a certainty, so the more sympathetic she can make her case the better chance she will have.
Posts: 233 | From ft. myers, florida | Registered: Apr 2004
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- I have been fired 16 times. None were because I did not try hard enough, all because my body just could not hold up to what was required.
If she needed extra time after knee replacement, she needed extra time. But they would have told her then most likely.
Still, with all the experience I've had with this this sort of thing I'll tell what is not helpful: any kind of judgment or others trying to decide for themselves whether or not I deserved to be fired.
No one knew what my body / brain was going through, not even myself, actually. So, please, for who have any kind of challenges, it's best to just not "go there" and move into the light by reminding her that the sun will still rise from the East in the morning and the moon will still shine at night.
Keep her in the light and keep conversation light. Rather than help if you are not in the position (or want) to so . . . find the numbers of the agencies she should now be calling for practical advice.
The UNITED WAY in all cities has an information helpline. There is likely someone she can talk to about steps forward. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
yep thats her.
she just called and wanted five grand. I can't give it to her. husband would go through the roof. I gave her 1 grand in september. paid all expenses while I was there, food, bills. everything. plus my airfare.
what a mess. and we just bought windows for the house.
she only has 800 dollars and bills are due. she gets paid this friday.
other sister is going to pay her taxes. she took out iras or something to live on and it put her in another tax bracket. again her mismanagement.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- To find advice on how to proceed, she can call and talk to connect with for PRACTICAL ADVICE on how now to take care of herself:
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days each year, which connects callers to a trained specialist.
Using a robust database, callers are provided with information regarding local programs and community based organizations, Ohio Benefit Bank services, faith-based initiatives and government agency services.
The service is free to the caller.
United Ways across Ohio provide over 50% of the costs to operate the system’s call centers, which handled over 1.2 million calls and 545,000 web visits in 2014.
Ohio United Way and its members continue to push for the expansion of 2-1-1 into the counties without service. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
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posted
my sistets are already telling me "well she's your sister. you can't let her fail. how can you be so mean? you love money you don't love anybody"
I'm hearing it all. this would be a gift. she'd never pay it back. she borrowed 20 grand from the other sister. did she pay it back? no...
she's done so much I can't tell y'all.
if I do this it would cause a ww around here. it almost destroyed my one sister's marriage when she didnt pay back the money that and the other things she's done.
I'm torn, confused, hurt. I can't do this.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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LisaK
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posted
sounds like she needs tough love to me... hate to say that and i don't know the total situatin, but sometimes it is good to hit the bottom so you can get your life together.
does she own? rent? what happened that she has so much debt?
we were in terrible straights when DH lost his job and we let everything go- all bills. it was hell for months and even over a year. got tens of calls a day threatening us.... but we did it, and then after that it wsa another couple years until daylight actually broke and we saw a light coming our way! still have much to pay off. it's been years now. horrible.
people help if they can, and if not then prayer works wonders.
like i said, i don't know the total situation, but just putting this out there in case there is enabling going on. if she really will fall and go to jail, then that is another story....
at times like that i am glad i don't have money to give away. i would be a wimp and give it all and then i'd be the broke one.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
she has a three bedroom large home. she's stayed there after her divorce even tho family begged her to leave. it needs thousands of dollars in repairs.
so she took this homeless couple in, complete strangers. we begged her not to. but she said she would get a housekeeper and gardener in exchange.
well they took over. used her credit cards, spent all her money, trashed her house, wrecked her car, broke washer, dishwasher. windows, you name it.
by the time she threw them out, which is really suspicious, cause she was missing 18 grand, and we think she paid them to leave...where was I??
oh yes, they were hoarders, like on tv. my sister said you had to crawl over filth to get in.
it took them a week using shovels to get the garbage out.
thats when they called and said oh we need a thousand to pay for carpet cleaners, painting, trash hauling, you name it. actually I ended up spending alot more when you add the money spent in September.
we begged, pleaded, did everything we could. she wouldn't listen.
I cleaned to the point of exhaustion. when I got home, husband had torn his back muscles and I had to take care of him.
I ended crashing big time. lyme went full blown haywire.
yes she has arthritis but so do others. she's been late four times since going back and now this. she's addicted to pain and sleep meds.
and now my husband just told me he will file for divorce if I get involved.
we jus ordered our new windows. ours are over 30 years old and some dont even work. our money is all tied up in bonds, cds, etc, iras. stuff like that. I can't get to it unless I cash in stuff.
no pressure here guys,,,none at all.....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
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posted
sounds like everyone needs to read the book COdependent No More....
"Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent--and you may find yourself in this book--Codependent No More.
The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life."
you need to break free of her. she is a vampire sucking the life out of you. is she the baby?
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
yes. mom and dad always supported her, and her husband, even after they got married.
which by the way, we told her not to marry that jerk. she did anyway.
and she wrecked mom's car after dad died. never paid mom a dime. when somebody would mention it, she would tell us to shut up, it was done, and quit harping about it.
mom always said you had to hit her with a two by four to get her to listen. me??? daddy said they never worried about me because I could land in a pile of crap and still come up grinning like a fool and smelling like a rose.
whatever that meant. I assume it was a compliment.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Help her. Period. However, redefine the word. You've got the UNITED WAY detail. Help her by giving her links to those best suited to help her clarify her choices.
As for your being directed to "not get involved" or your husband will divorce you, hope he was joking about because if not, that's rather abusive in and of itself and not a good time to be heaping that on you.
You - as an individual - have a right to get involved as little or as much as you want considering your own resources of energy, time or money.
Make it clear that you are "not in the position" for help the way she might wish but can help in other ways.
But don't confuse that with you "saving" her, telling her what to do or holding onto judgment about her judgment issue of past. But, since you know she has some trouble with all the, the best thing you can do is to
hand this off to the experts, those who give this kind of guidance as their job - the UNITED WAY number, again, is the gateway.
This is the best way to help her now. Connect her to those who can. Find her local number, call and get a name if that helps. Have that person call your sister if that helps.
And then hand it over. Be very clear on your level of involvement and offer no excuses why that is your level. Just say "this is what I can do. Here are connections for you to open doors for the options you have."
Do not blame anyone else for your boundaries. That's confusing to everyone and does not make it clear to her that you might not change your own mind.
Be clear. Be consistent. Keep going back to the connection numbers. It is up to her now to find the connections who will help her determine what choices she has. Then you just stand aside.
As I tend to relate to any "underdog" because I've been judged so harshly for failing in this life, I just hope that you might have it in you to see that whatever reasons or obstacles or perceived errors she has had in the past, she might have been doing her best. So hanging onto judgment about any of her past choices is a disservice.
However, seeing patterns and her limits can help as you simply suggest she make that UNITED WAY connection because there are people who can help her see her strentghs and weaknesses. hands numb now. consider a brilliant ending to this - -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
she won't call. my sisters have repeatedly made appts with social security, doctors, financial advisors, you name it.
she oversleeps, doesnt show.
this has happened so many times.
how can you help someone when they won't listen, won't show up.
I've given enough. ive worked hard for what I have and nobody has given me a dime. and yep ive had tough times too. really tough...
but she has been doing this for many many years.
at some point you have to say you cant do this anymore.
this woman will bleed you dry. she did it to my mom and almost wreckedo one sister's marriage. it's never been the same.
you say its a disservice to remember her past. sorry i disagree. you've made it and thats admirable but I'm positive you didnt make it on the backs of others right?
I'm not willing to destroy my life for her. sorry I just cant.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
I didnt read whole thread randi but i helped a sibling for years to the point it hurt me. The last thing i did was get them a social worker in state agency...every state is different. That person took over and sibling has food, shelter and medical care. Not a fancy life but alive. They have to follow the rules tho...drining, drugging, bad behavior and they would get nothing
I have nothing in the bank now and scrape by. Your hubs is probably right...your not well. You need to be prepared for future
A few reasonable gifts might help her but she cant depend on you for income
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- It's not at all that anyone is asking you to destroy your life but if she taking you there, get off that bus, of course.
I can tend to favor the underdog for all the things about them we might not understand. This is about UNDERSTANDING, though, not about what you will or won't give her. The goal is about understanding of the heart / mind, not about money or material possessions.
My primary focus is about coming from a neutral place of mutual respect, regardless of the past or of present circumstances. It's the only way communication really works in any true relationship. And at times of stress, all that can be forgotten.
Yet, I do know this world does have more than its share of manipulative people.
Some may do so out of fear and see no other way, though. Some do so just because they think others for their own use. It's a wide range.
Still, as we need to keep ourselves strong we can't perpetuate any manipulation. If you feel pressured, tell her so. Stop the cycle.
TELL HER when her dialogue crosses the line. She may not know, actually, yet if she does, it also helps you to keep that road block "arm" ready to come down for the notice to stop.
Come up with a simple phrase and stick to it. "That feels like too much pressure" etc.
We might understand that there are various underlying dysfunctions in one's behavior of pressuring / manipulation and pleas but we don't have to get caught up by them, either.
A tutorial of sorts might help her clarify how to proceed. Help her understand the cordialities involved so that all can maintain respect.
You might suggest to her that when she asks someone's help it's important to phrase it "if they are in the position to help in whatever way is best for them"
She needs to know that some can't help - in any way - other than just hold their best wishes in their heart. And that simply has to be okay with her.
She should keep in mind that she can't know and ll the things that go into their decision, it's complicated.
And they have no obligation to explain all the reasons. She should just trust that they've thought about it and have come to their best decision.
If they cannot help, she needs to stop then and trust that they still care but just can't help, for whatever reasons.
She also needs to find her own strength, her own power for it's her life to figure out. And there are folks there to help but not always the folks she already knows. She has to reach out. It's up to her.
She has power, though, in asking the people who specialize in helping her figure out her own choices. She has power in opening her eyes to see all the various options before her.
She may not register with any of it but it's not your place to hold her hand. Just try to help her open her eyes to other avenues and then let it go.
Don't wallow around in this mud pit, don't let anyone else pull you in. Wash yourself of it as you toss her a rope.
You might just mail her a page from the UNITED WAY information site with the number at the top.
May sure it's a handy page that she can see - maybe a bright color of paper, etc.
Make sure she knows it's 24/7 in case she changes her mind.
Not being able to connect, though, is a problem that can have many reasons but many counselors see this a lot, I'd bet.
You might call her UW number and ask advice about that, who might be the best person to reach out to her considering this. Have a real name, a real person her. Start the connection going and then hand it over.
Maybe write a note to the extent of "sorry to see you going through such rough times. The best way, the only way I can offer help is to help connect you to the professionals who know all the options.
It's up to you to make this connection. Hope you can." etc.
Clarify
Keep your consistency
If you call to stay in touch, say that as for helping, you are sure the best way is for her to connect with a professional, that UW number for a start.
Make it clear you can talk about other things but not this. It's just not your area.
And don't let it suffocate you. Connections to resources are the best way for you to help. Stick to that. Give her a new connection. Refer back to that when necessary. Consistently.
You might also need to come up with a topic of conversation for when you two talk on phone. Prepare with something light and of interest to you both so that there is some way to keep a thread of relationship alive. Something uplifting or funny to put a bounce in her step.
Sometimes, something offbeat might just be the bounce spark some kind of action for her. If you can get her laughing, good stuff happens in her brain as well as her heart. For you, too.
If you intend to stay in touch, it will likely be some work, with planning so that you can really help lift her spirit. This is important time and effort for so many reasons. This may be the other best way you can help.
These are just some suggestions. Whatever you do, though, it's clear for other threads about her that her situation troubles you. For you own peace of mind, I hope you can find some good phrases, tools, that will help you maintain a good steady holding pattern. -
[ 03-10-2016, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: Keebler ]
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
Member # 12673
posted
- Just found many excellent links that may offer you some cool methods to withstand this phase of your sister's life - & her personality traits. There may be some humor in some of the search results yet most seem real solid down-to-earth roadmaps of sorts with various perspectives.
Google: humor "how to withstand manipulative relatives" -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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Judie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38323
posted
She sounds depressed and lonely. Does she have a substance problem?
Posts: 2839 | From California | Registered: Jul 2012
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posted
She may decide to call for help (state agencies, etc) when she is out on the streets.
We all live and learn.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96223 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
yes shes addicted to vicodin and sleep meds.
jus found out that the hospital can deny her request for unemployment in ohio. based on not performing job to their stands and tardiness.
she's mixed up patient records before and unfortunately she's been late four times in the last year. she can appeal but cant afford a lawyer.
right now I'm having serious health problems in addition to lyme.
sad that families tear each other apart.
my one sister told me not to call the other ones cause they are pretty mad at me over the money. I expected that. look what I went through when mom died. wasn't pretty.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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-------------------- Everything I say is just my opinion! Posts: 3529 | From Massachusetts Boston Area | Registered: Jul 2008
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
In my sityation mybrother was so depressed and in such physical pain he couldnt get humself help. He was waitung for a call that was not goung to come. He lived in my house but coyldnt afford to heat it and didnt have food. He wouldnt go to doc for flu because he didnt have money. All i had to say to social worker was hes got a reallp bad sore throat and wont go to doc...social worker said hes a danger to himself for that and he got help
He had to get letters saying he was good neighbor etc...couldnt have record....but he couldnt own.a house either...
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
she is addicted to vicodin and sleep pills. who knows what else.
ohio law says the hospital can stop her getting benfits for cause. and they'll do it I'm sure.
they gave her 8 weeks for knee surgery. she took over 4 months. kept saying repeatedly to everyone she didn't want to go back. she kept asking for extensions until they said no.
when she got back she asked to go parttime, they said ok on these days. she said no I'll decide on schedule. so they said no.
then she started saying she needed a vacation.!!!! wth!!!
in addition to being late four times. their policy is late only twice in a year.
she's my sister but she's a bad employee. all of us kept telling her she was going to get fired. she just wouldnt listen.
shed charge stuff, not pay bills. one sister and her husband do everything for her. now, because she took out her retirement account, shes in another tax bracket. she can't pay her taxes so sister will pay them. she keeps saying "well we can't let her fail. she's going to be homeless. yadayadayada....
I worked civil rights law for many years. her poor work ethics trumps her medical issues. and it wasnt medical. she just didnt want to work.
it's a mess. and right now I'm facing a hospital stay and removal of colon if I dont start improving within a few days. back on biaxin and flagyl.
what will happen will happen. i have my own problems. if they blame me so be it.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
You have to let it go randi....many have to hit bottom before they straighten out
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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what will happen will happen. i have my own problems. if they blame me so be it.
- You can only do so much for someone like that. It's really sad that she is that way.
Take care of yourself, randi.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96223 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
bless y'all. thank you...
oh dr put me on antidepressants. for pain, sleep and issues.
anybody got a cave I can rent?
update: sister called. she has not filed for unemployment nor social security. they did go to financial advisor. he suggested pulling money out of some kind of retirement account to live on.
posted
She just wanted everyone else's money instead.
Hang in there.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96223 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Catgirl
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 31149
posted
Without reading all the posts, it sounds like she needs the school of hard knocks. No sense in going down a hole for her, she doesn't seem to care and does whatever she wants.
It's time for her to grow up. You don't need a divorce nor do you need all the stress that goes with it. Bow out.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, ever.
-------------------- --Keep an open mind about everything. Also, remember to visit ACTIVISM (we can change things together). Posts: 5418 | From earth | Registered: Mar 2011
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Judie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 38323
posted
I'm glad she saw a financial advisor! She doesn't sound completely lost at least.
That sucks that your sister has addiction. I've seen people have the best support in the world and addiction always wins. It's monkey on their back forever.
If she did hire an unemployment lawyer, they don't charge much (at least when I hired one).
I was first denied unemployment. I got a lawyer who went to the hearing with me. He charged $250 flat rate. It was worth it.
I got him through the Barr association.
Good luck!
Posts: 2839 | From California | Registered: Jul 2012
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
talked to sister. the one has not filed for anything.
she got 9 grand from her advisor and plans to live on that. says when it runs out she'll go back fo more. this is some kind of company deal. she refuses to drive out of her neighborhood for a job cause one sister found several medical ones but she refuses to leave her neighborhood. she wont get rid of that house. she wants to refinance. didn't go to social security and didn't complete unemployment cause she says she doesn't understand the forms.
omg!!!!!
the one sister is trying to deal with her and supposedly going batcrap crazy.
thank heaven I didn't send her any money.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Keebler
Honored Contributor (25K+ posts)
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posted
- I can understand not being able to understand the forms, really I can. I hope she knows that there are people who could fill those out for her at various agencies. She must tell them, though, and be proactive in that matter. And not feel ashamed about having trouble with the forms.
It's good that she has some savings to fall back on. Sorry she has such cognitive difficulties as her savings / interest withdrawals or whatever is not going solve the matter.
I hope she can find one central place that can offer her some clear action steps. -
Posts: 48021 | From Tree House | Registered: Jul 2007
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
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posted
why she won't go and get help heaven only knows. and yes my one sister and husband are very proactive.
her husband is a aerospace engineer so he's no slouch.
she just won't cooperate. they try repeatedly to help her but she either won't show up, oversleeps.
I dont know. I really dont.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
They need to let her do this on her own. She knows they will bail her out, so she does NOTHING.
Keebler is right. They will help her fill out forms if she will just ask.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96223 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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LisaK
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 41384
posted
im glad you didn't send her money.
-------------------- Be thankful in all things- even difficult times and sickness and trials - because there is something GOOD to be seen Posts: 3558 | From Eastern USA | Registered: Jul 2013
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