Softballmom
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-------------------- It's not the Lyme, I just can't spell! Posts: 1331 | From North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2004
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Softballmom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6235
posted
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-------------------- It's not the Lyme, I just can't spell! Posts: 1331 | From North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2004
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lymie tony z
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5130
posted
ooo owowowowow ah ah ah ah arg arg arg
Hey I resemble those remarks...ouch!
zman
-------------------- I am not a doctor...opinions expressed are from personal experiences only and should never be viewed as coming from a healthcare provider. zman Posts: 2527 | From safety harbor florida(origin Cleve., Ohio | Registered: Jan 2004
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-------------------- Lou B Posts: 2200 | From Mount Hope, New Jersey, USA | Registered: Oct 2000
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Softballmom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6235
posted
Thats cute Shelly.
I like the icons with the goofy looks for my "I can't spell Tag." ________________________________________________ Q- How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A- One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q- What do you call a man with half a brain? A- Gifted.
Q- Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A- Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q- Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A- Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q- Why did God create man before woman? A- Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Q- What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence? A- A widow.
-------------------- It's not the Lyme, I just can't spell! Posts: 1331 | From North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2004
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lymie tony z
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5130
posted
WOW...
You girls are tough...funny...but WOW!
zmqan
-------------------- I am not a doctor...opinions expressed are from personal experiences only and should never be viewed as coming from a healthcare provider. zman Posts: 2527 | From safety harbor florida(origin Cleve., Ohio | Registered: Jan 2004
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Softballmom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6235
posted
-------------------- It's not the Lyme, I just can't spell! Posts: 1331 | From North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2004
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-------------------- **Eat Chocolate** Posts: 942 | From USA | Registered: Mar 2005
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Softballmom
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6235
posted
I heard that one before. I love it!
Q-How are men and parking spots alike? A-The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "B#*CH!!!"
They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.
If only men would listen.
-------------------- It's not the Lyme, I just can't spell! Posts: 1331 | From North Carolina | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common? A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say? A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company? A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common? A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
-------------------- We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. Posts: 221 | From the hills | Registered: Mar 2006
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Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what no means. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
-------------------- We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. Posts: 221 | From the hills | Registered: Mar 2006
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Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both pass gas shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats.
-------------------- We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. Posts: 221 | From the hills | Registered: Mar 2006
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2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
-------------------- We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. Posts: 221 | From the hills | Registered: Mar 2006
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.....placemats they only show up when there's food on the table.
.....bike helmets they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
.....government bonds they take so long to mature.
.....copiers you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
.....lava lamps fun to look at it but not all that bright.
.....bank accounts without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
.....high heels they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
.....mini skirts if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
-------------------- We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. Posts: 221 | From the hills | Registered: Mar 2006
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