Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
~~no, Don, I don't make 'em up - I just cut and past the best of the email jokes I get! then we can have a laugh together! Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
OMG, this one is SO funny! Got it from another forum... hope you all get as good a laugh out of it as I did! ~Loribelle~
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni for Christmas. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I am at a loss how to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... Right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock And disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, Undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
SON-OF-A-.... That hurt!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my Testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
Still in shock, ***** Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way!
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
This one is for the ladies.....
A woman had scheduled her yearly trip to the ob-gyn which was later in the week.
The ob's office called and told her they had to reschedule that appointment for this morning.
As most women, she would pay a little more attention to personal hygiene on the day of this appt.
She had only 45 min to be at the appt., and a 30 min ride.
So she ran upstairs, grabbed a washcloth next to the sink, gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was presentable.
Threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, and hopped in the car to race to the appointment.
She was only in the waiting room for a short time before she was called in.
She put on her hospital gown, jumped up on the table and proceeded to think of some place a million miles away.
She was a little suprised when the doctor said, "my, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
The lady was somewhat perplexed and didn't respond.
After the appt. the lady went back home and resumed her day of washing, cleaning and taking care of the house.
After school, her 6yr old daughter was playing when she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy where's my washcloth?"
The lady told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles stored inside it."
That lady never, ever went back to see that OB- Gyn again!!!
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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then we can have a laugh together! ![[lol]](graemlins/lol.gif)
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Got it from another forum... hope you all get as good a laugh out of it as I did! ~Loribelle~![[bonk]](graemlins/bonk.gif)
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