Topic: got my feelings hurt -- was i wrong or right??
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
ok, here's what happened. mike says i absolutely overreacted, typical of me, etc, etc. what do you think?
mike got us invited and i didn't want to go to a friends house for thanksgiving. they were having 15 of their family in, grandkids and all.
so she says bring sweet potatoes, cranberry salad, and pies. i busted my rear baking all that including the apple, pecan, and pumpkin. make my own crusts cause i don't do storebought.
so i take all this food, and guess what? we get there and she's made mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and has cranberry sauce.
she puts my pies on the counter next to a HOT stove and the next morning, the pumpkin pie is ruined cause it molded so she says "oh i'm so sorry, i just threw it out. i didn't have room in the refrigerator for it."
so i'm in the bathroom one morning and need water to take pills, so i step to the kitchen and get a drink. i go in there and she's closed up my night bag, and says "look, we have small children in this house and they get into everything, and you need to be more responsible and remember this. i closed your bag because you have pills in it."
i can't help it but i am po'd. she tells me to bring food and then proceeds to cook the same dang thing, then sits my pies next to a hot stove where she's cooking all day.
i had a rotten time.....
so mike says "well we have to drive to ohio and be there by the 15th of december and we can come back."
i'm thinking "ain't no way in hell am i going back there" cause you're inviting us again and unless we get a written invitation, i'm keeping my fat but in texas where it belongs.
so is he right? am i over reacting? i don't want to go back and it's going to cause a big fight.
what would you do? if they didn't want us to come, they should have come out and said so.
and, yes, they ate a little of what i made, so there was a lot leftover and she said, "well we're all going back on diets, so i'll just have to throw it out."
arrgghhhhh...
all that food costs me a ton of money and time, er, well, you get the picture, i'm po'd.....
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
I'm with you sweetie.
There is no way in heck you could drive me or drag me where I am obviously
Being belittled and patronized. Yikes!!!
Your husband being a man, probably would not get the undertones like us women get.
I don't know if it is that I am more sensitive or that I just
Don't have the time or energy for someone else's crappy agenda.
As a guest, the least she could have done is made you feel welcomed.
Call me a party pooper, but I'd stay my butt home too.
Wait till my house gets built. You can come and see me.
You don't have to bring anything but a smile.
Hugs,
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
So you guys went to Ohio for Thanksgiving?? And he wants to go back?
Way to far when you don't even WANT to go!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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Just Julie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1119
posted
Plain and simple, men don't get the subtleties of stuff like this. This friend, a woman, obviously has passive/aggressive tendencies (she "gets it", believe me) for some reason.
You'll never guess what reason(s) those are, so I suggest:
1. If you do cave and go for xmas, do NOT bring homemade anything. If you are "required" either by this "friends" (yes, I use that term loosely)request, or by your husbands requirements, to bring ANYTHING, make sure it is storebought.
I know this is not reflecting well on you, but if you do bring storebought, you will not be able to feel offended by this *friends* lack of manners in how she treats your food that you brought. It is only money (yes, I say that lightly) that is wasted, and a little effort to buy the stuff you brought, but it is not your time that is being abused by her actions.
2. I can relate to the pill remarks, as I am a nurse, and I have had small children in a house (my mother in laws, ugh) where chemicals and such were not put away, and I was privately fuming over this. My mother in law was completely out to lunch when we were visiting, and my kids were young enough to become ill by getting into her under sink stash of crap, so I put her crap up high, and just flat out told her about the dangers. Better than an accident that cannot be corrected! So . . . if you go again, and bring your meds, you'll just have to have this thought uppermost in your mind. I'd do a search and see if there are travel ideas when it comes to keeping meds in a childsafe type container. It is something I don't think you'll regret doing.
3. I'd put my brain protector cap on (yes, I'm speaking tongue in cheek)if you go back. Keep it simple, but do ahead of time, mentally go through how the visit may unwind, and come up with bombproof replies. KEEP THIS SIMPLE! That way, you will most likely not forget any possible replies you could respond with to this woman's passive/aggressive approach to housing visitors.
4. Lastly, if at all possible, I'd stay in a hotel. Since my husband's relatives do not come to our area to visit, I haven't had to really think this through, but I have read how to get this solution out on the table, and the polite ways in which to do this. I"m sorry I can't post them, but when I read how to do this (bring up the subject of staying in a hotel when visiting) it made THE MOST sense when placed in a difficult situation, as it sounds as if yours is.
Remember, the stress of worrying about this situation will ruin your holidays. So, if you can pounce on it now, and get it resolved to your utmost satisfaction, YOU WIN!!!!
-------------------- Julie Posts: 1027 | From Northern CA | Registered: May 2001
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i'm srry i didn't make myself clear. they live in oklahoma, poteau, about a 5 hour drive from here. we can drive it in one day.
at christmas, we're driving to dayton, ohio, about 1300 miles and it takes two days. normally we drive to springfield, missouri, and stop there, but he wants to stop by poteau, oklahoma, then stop in springfield.
i don't want to stop in poteau cause it's out of our way and after being treated like this at thanksgiving, it's too soon to even see these people.
i don't know if i'll ever go back.
it's one thing when they invite you, but another when you talk them into an invitation for you.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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sometimesdilly
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Member # 9982
posted
is this person your friend or your husband's?
if it is your husband's friend, you're not going to win any argument with him by criticizing her, no matter how just the criticism. friends don't like to hear bad things about their friends.
if he insists on going there again and taking you with him, the suggestion to not invest yourself or your time in anything you bring or do there is really wise.
if she is your friend and you want to stay friends with her (it doesn't like this is so), then i'd try to resolve your hurt feelings with her.
it's possible she was simply overwhelmed and cranky because she was cooking and hosting for a crowd, especially since she has young kids. that's a lot to juggle,and not everyone enjoys the challenge or is good at it, even with good intentions.
in any case, since you more than honored her as a hostess, you are not to blame for her short-comings or her crankiness, so i wouldn't let it get to you, and i would definitely not let it be the source of another argument with your husband.
if the problem is really that you feel your husband isn't listening to you about how you felt, i'd try again with him- leaving out any criticism of this "friend."
sorry you had a lousy bird day...
dilly
Posts: 2507 | From lost in the maze | Registered: Aug 2006
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
they are my husband's friends.
he wrangled an invitation and i didn't really want to go.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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Just Julie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1119
posted
I had a thought to your taking meds predicament (assuming you are staying over and will have to take them at some point during the visit).
Throw 3-4 bottles of water in your bags. The small bottles of water. You won't have to leave your meds out of your sight for even a second. Heck, if it were me, and I didn't mind the fresh air, I'd even keep them in my car! (meds) Just to make a point, doncha know . . .
Almost feel like a detective trying to solve a case with this one----because there are solutions to just about everything you posted about.
It also depends on how long you've been married, and how calmly/quietly you can make your case. Like, staying home, and not going. That's a heavyduty choice, but if it could be done without a big blowup, heck, I'd do that one. I'm all for having the house to myself, but that's just me and having kids for 18 yrs now.
Since they're your husbands friends, the lower you fly, the more you'll get in the way of compromise. There is a way to "get" what you want, but you have to do it on the QT. If you know what I mean.
And no, I don't mean lying about anything. Men don't like drama, so less is more.
-------------------- Julie Posts: 1027 | From Northern CA | Registered: May 2001
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Just Julie
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 1119
posted
I usually don't have this many brain farts but here's my last thought:
Have you considered that this friend of your husbands may have done what she did (especially with your food)on purpose?
Follow me here. You say he "wrangled" an invite. That sounds as if he got you guys invited with misgivings on the friends part. She didn't offer up the invite, it was asked for. She may have been put into a very uncomfortable social corner, so instead of being able to come up with a "no" answer, she hedged, and had her plan of attack ready when you got there. It really sounds as if this were the whole angle on the visit.
Knowing that ahead of time, she may have acted the way she did to purposely thwart another visit in the future! Worked, didn't it?
You may even see if a dialog with this angle in mind gets your husband to "see the light" on how you feel now, and your aversion to going there for the xmas driving break on your upcoming trip.
I hope this doesn't sound like some premeditated plot to keep you from visiting, but if you look at her actions with this view in mind, it sure does explain leaving your pies out to rot, throwing them and other food away, and the uptight moral outrage she displayed when zipping up your bag that had your medication in it!
Plausible?
-------------------- Julie Posts: 1027 | From Northern CA | Registered: May 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Just Julie: Have you considered that this friend of your husbands may have done what she did (especially with your food)on purpose?
Follow me here. You say he "wrangled" an invite. That sounds as if he got you guys invited with misgivings on the friends part.
EXACTLY what I was thinking.
PS about the meds. We almost had a disaster with our cousin's children when he got into my husband's meds MANY years ago.
I learned my lifetime lesson on that one!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
We went to my brothers house for thanksgiving this year and I was having what I call a bad head day. I told my mom her pumpkin pies were in the glovecompartment and I said it several times. Well my mom knew that I ment the trunk and didn't point it out to make a scene. My cousin, who doesn't spend that much time around me, made it out to be a big thing. I told my mom that I was going home and she said that she didn't blame me. My mom explained it to my cousin that I sometimes get my words mixed up and don't know that I am doing it.
I told my husband if I was going through the same thing at XMas time that I would be staying home and he would have to take the kids to my Brothers house for dinner. He said he understood and he would even bring me a plate home. So here is my imput -
1. What was she doing going through YOUR bag? She had no right to even look in your personal bag.
2. If I didn't want to go to their house again, I would let my husband think it was his idea not to go at Xmas, because I would let him know that the exhaustion from driving that far out of the way is not healthy for you and I would do it in a way that came out super sweet so it wouldn't turn into an arguement.
I spent 9 hours driving to Kentucky to pick up my son and we turned around and drove straight back and the trip itself wiped me out.
I hope you have a better Christmas.
-------------------- OK...I'll play your silly games.
Finding my happy place.
Brenda-Lee Posts: 126 | From Florida | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
First off, when someone invites you to their house and you volunteer to make something, they ask you to make ONE thing, not all that you did. You went way over and beyond in your generosity. Especially since there were only 15 people there. (I have a huge family; gatherings usually have around 20 and we ALL bring something.)
I do not blame you at all for being PO'd and I would not go back there.
Although I do agree that your pills should not have been left out in the open. But why didn't she just ask YOU to move your bag, rather than her messing around with it. You don't know what she did while closing it!
-------------------- "Few of us can do great things, but all of us can do small things with great love". Mother Theresa
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
jeff, i appreciate your viewpoint. just like a man!! no offense meant, hon.
but you see, if i had confronted her and made a big scene about it, i would have been made to look like an idiot and my husband would have been furious about it. he would have said i was over reacting, petty, etc., just what he said to me already. i didn't want to cause a stir at someone else's house with their family.
i'm going to play the "it's such a long drive and it takes two days to get there, and let's not chance getting stuck in the weather, and i'm anxious to get home, let's spend our time together, we were just there at thanksgiving, etc" card in december and pray my guardian angels are working that day.
and, yep, i definitely think the food thing was on purpose. she has admitted that she cannot make pies worth a dang.
i have to admit feeling a little bit of satisfaction when the morning we left, she made those canned cinnamon rolls and burned them to a crisp......i didn't have to do a thing, just sit there.
i know, i know, petty of me wasn't it??? hehehhehe
i'm such a witch.........
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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CaliforniaLyme
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Member # 7136
posted
You are NOT a witch!*)!!! Unless you mean a nice one like on Bewitched*)!!!
I'm with Julie on this one!!!
Best wishes, Sarah
-------------------- There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin
All truth goes through 3 stages: first it is ridiculed: then it is violently opposed: finally it is accepted as self evident. - Schopenhauer Posts: 5639 | From Aptos CA USA | Registered: Apr 2005
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sometimesdilly
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Member # 9982
posted
for what's its worth, here's another man's viewpoint-
after seeing i am alone in giving this woman any benefit of the doubt, i asked my husband to give his opinion.
his first, immediate response? that the woman sounded flat out nasty and there is NO WAY you should ever go back to her house.
he thinks she was peeved that you guys went there, and was taking it out on you.
about the pills- he thinks she had the right to say something to you, but wondered- were the pills in plain sight or did she invade your privacy to find them?
he also thought the core of the problem might have been your husband not listening- maybe this "friend" tried to tell him it wasn't a great time and that he didn't get it.
that he had to ask for an invitation back does kinda speak for itself.
there you have it. a man who listens and talks straight too. i'm keeping him for good.
dilly
Posts: 2507 | From lost in the maze | Registered: Aug 2006
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
hey dilly, where can get one like yours?
i carry a blackovernight case with a zippered top. the top was open on the shelf, but the pills were in among all my makeup and stuff. you would have had to sort through all the "female" stuff to get to them.
i'll concede about the pills, never having kids.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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sometimesdilly
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9982
posted
trust me, randibear,
he did not come new out of the box that way. it took me some long hard years of training to get him into shape.
'fraid that's just part of women's work (as in women's work is never done).
dilly
Posts: 2507 | From lost in the maze | Registered: Aug 2006
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Just Julie
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Member # 1119
posted
Dilly, you gotta keeper!
If only we could choose our mates with the instruction tags attached beforehand---listing whether all the work in the world will eventually bring about the desired change we women so hope for in a man.
Alas, just like the babies we get, no instruction/owner's manual comes with.
some men get it, some don't. Mine sounds like Randibears. He would've had the same reaction she described hers having (if she'd spoken up at the time).
-------------------- Julie Posts: 1027 | From Northern CA | Registered: May 2001
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treepatrol
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Member # 4117
posted
Id be pod too cook all that and she through it out did she offer it back to you? Although as far as spoilage thats possible driving from texas to ohio. The pill thing she should of just said zip up your pills kids around anything to stop little fingers. I would not cook anymore than one thing if i ever went back heck if i invited you that far i would never ask you to cook food at home and drag it all that way. Why not take some nice wine or whatever they like iin that group. I would have been pod too. ps Iam a guy and i think they treated you badly too.
-------------------- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Remember Iam not a Doctor Just someone struggling like you with Tick Borne Diseases.
randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
ok guys and gals, here's an update.
they called last night and he apologized for "ignoring" us. they talked for quite awhile to mike.
i was in the bedroom. i wasn't sleeping just laying there. (i was upset my packers lost so i went to bed!!)
so anyway after the phone call he came in and said, "well it was a good visit and all, but they've got a lot of dr's appts in december." i took that opportunity to tell him that from fort worth to dayton is about 1200 miles and in december we'd be risking bad weather if we stayed and he agreed!!!
personally, i think they were telling us not to stop by in december!!! else why would they be telling him about all these appointments during the month!!!
so we will not be stopping there in december!!! YAHOO!!!!! he said something about stopping on the way back in january....
that's too far away to worry about now, but i'll dream up something.
no matter what, i'm never going back.
my mom always told me i was more stubborn than a tennessee mule. once i get my feelings hurt, baby, that's it, you're toast.....
so be nice to me........or i'll cry........
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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disturbedme
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Member # 12346
posted
You're not being stubborn. I'm the exact same way. I don't even have to get my feelings hurt. I've just never been up to going to parties. And now with being sick, it's even worse.
-------------------- One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. ~ Helen Keller
My Lyme Story Posts: 2965 | From Land of Confusion (bitten in KS, moved to PA, now living in MD) | Registered: Jun 2007
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and the uptight moral outrage she displayed when zipping up your bag that had your medication in it! ![[tsk]](graemlins/tsk.gif)
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