posted
I cried during my drive home from work today.
Christmas used to be such a wonderful time of the year. Sadly, I have lost so many important people in my life in a very short period of time.
Since 1998 I have lost to death (in this order) my grandfather, father, paternal uncle, maternal uncle, maternal aunt, maternal uncle, another maternal uncle, a close cousin, two dogs (murdered), my mother, and a great aunt.
In the process, I have lost contact with my older brother and his entire family. (Long story... bitter feelings...probably not resolvable).
I only have my husband and my younger brother. We have no children.
Holidays are not fun anymore. My heart aches with missing what used to be and it takes a lot of effort to not cry ALL the time.
My husband's parents are gone, too. He has two brothers and tomorrow we have been invited to his (our) niece's house for dinner. I'll paint a smile on and try my best to enjoy some time with them. (I do love them dearly).
Today, I told my husband that I don't know that I would have made a different choice, but one thing I hadn't considered when I made my decision to not have children was the loneliness that can come with age.
I joked and said maybe we should adopt. And he said maybe we should volunteer during the holidays. But I said, in tears, "the thing is, none of that will ever bring back what used to be." I miss my family so much.
If it weren't for these damed meds I'm on, I'd drown my sorrow in booze tonight.
Maybe for the next four days. I don't have to be back to work until Tuesday.
I seriously wish I had a big bottle of something that would take this pain away or at least make me sleep steady thru and not have to think about all this.
I hope all you have a great holiday. (Honest, I do). But as for me...I can't wait for it to be over.
Sorry for writing such a downer. It has only been 13 months since my mom died, and it still hurts.
Posts: 212 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Jul 2009
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joalo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 12752
posted
Holidays are definitely no fun when you feel like crap. It's so hard to lose loved ones and it makes the holidays so hard.
I'm still grieving the loss of my mom and it's been three years. Two and a half years ago I lost my only brother.
I want you to know you are not alone with the way you feel. I'd have a drink right along with you but I can't drink on the meds I'm on either.
-------------------- Sick since January 1985. Misdiagnosed for 20 years. Tested CDC positive October 2005. Treating since April 2006. Posts: 3228 | From Somewhere west of the Mississippi | Registered: Aug 2007
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I woke this morning rather regretting posting my miserable feelings. With the freezing rain we're getting, my muscles and bones are aching. But as I prepared a nice breakfast for my husband and me, I thought about my LymeNet friends and how fortunate I am compared to some of them. I CAN get out of bed and fix breakfast. I CAN go out. I CAN care for myself.
I've decided today I will try not to wallow in self pity; things could be worse.
So....for the moment, I'm okay. (Perhaps a good night's sleep and a hearty breakfast did me good). But my emotions are like a roller coaster ride, sho who knows how I will feel later.
So...on that note, I just want to say to anyone reading this: Enjoy and appreciate the caos of your family gatherings and Merry Christmas to you all. Posts: 212 | From Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Jul 2009
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lymemomtooo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5396
posted
Gahan, I think that during any holiday we miss the ones we love and loved. We remember the good times and long for them to return.
I also think these damn diseases and the struggles to get well, cloud our emotions. So we no longer feel as we used to feel.
I do as much for others as I can to get thru some of the losses. But children and now a grand daughter make things better in many ways.
But I haven't really enjoyed holidays since I lost my dad. And not that we were always close but just the loss has jaded all holidays..
Our first Christmas without him, I had to go away. It was a blessing when an older friend invited our entire family to spend Christmas with her in Florida. I know I would have been horrible at home.
So I think what you feel is normal..
Perhaps you could become an aunt to a neighbors family. Watching little ones, spending time with them and even shopping for them can lessen heartache.lmt
Posts: 2360 | From SE PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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randibear
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 11290
posted
i know exactly how each of you feel.
i lost my mother two years ago, my beloved chocolate lab 4 years ago. i miss my mom and my baby dog every single day.
i've never had children either. too busy working and going to college, etc.
after mom's funeral there was such a battle i lost contact with two of my sisters and haven't spoken to them since. i talk periodically to my one sister. the bitterness and downright hatred is still there. something i cna't do anything about but just had to let go.
holidays are tough and there are times when i just want to see my mom. the flagyl is causing major depression and i've spent a couple of days just outright bawling.
mom's death was senseless as the doctors did not diagnose her properly and that makes it worse.
also, mike is gone at least several days a week and i spend a ton of time alone, but yet on the other hand, i can't tolerate being around people.
the noise and activity of people just make me want to crawl in a hole. and i can't stand being near children, their activity drives me right up a wall.
lyme has changed me forever and not in a good way.
i pray that 2010 will be better.
-------------------- do not look back when the only course is forward Posts: 12262 | From texas | Registered: Mar 2007
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lymemomtooo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 5396
posted
Good luck Randi..I know you have had a rough couple of years..That makes any holiday worse.
Try to get out and do something fun..
A Healthier 2010 to you and all Lymies..lmt
Posts: 2360 | From SE PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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treepatrol
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 4117
-------------------- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Remember Iam not a Doctor Just someone struggling like you with Tick Borne Diseases.
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