posted
I have come to the realisation that this disease has given me some gifts in disguise. If you can call them that.
I have seen many posts dealing with how people are dealing with there family and friends abandoning them over there illness.
Well I have an interesting one. I was sexually abused and beaten by my brother as a child. Starting when I was 5. Gradually escalating over a 8 yr period.
With the Lyme doing a number on my head and all. These issues have surfaced again. Which often survivors deal with, because the mind can only take so much at a time.
I asked my LLMD if the Lyme was making these issues come on stronger, or if these issues could be making the illness worse. He said more then likely both.
All those little bug a boos in my head are making me deal with unresolved emotional issues. Which quite frankly I am glad of. Even if it hurts.
Well over the last few months it has come to a head. My parents refuse to accept that I cannot, and do not want contact with my brother. When I have tried to in the past I'm viewed as the Evil B@$%#!
Since he was just a "kid" when he did these things to me, nobody thinks it was such a big deal.( yeah right) Obviously, we have a terrible relationship. We only see each other at Bdays and Holidays. It makes me sick just being around him.
I can't stand his wife, his step daughters a terror, and I can't bare to look at his baby.
I have a toxic relationship with my mother (she is mentally unbalanced to say the least.) My father is Mr Head in the Sand. My eldest brother and his wife dropped my family as soon as I was diagnosed. They needed medical proof I was sick.
So my Lyme gift is freedom. I am in the process of severing all ties. Which as my very supportive husband says I should have done years ago.
Through this messed up disease I have found courage. To face my Demons. To realize how bad my childhood really was. Most of all to move on. I realised it was either do what I have to do, or not be around for my husband & children.
I am strong despite this disease. I know I can do this. The thing is. It still hurts. On so many levels.
" The pain of the truth hurts, but not as nearly as much as pretending the truth doesn't exist"
Thanks for letting me vent.
Love & Light Posts: 188 | From NM | Registered: Feb 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Yemaya, My heart was touched so much by all the pain and heartache of dealing with your unresolved issues you stated in your post!
I was so HAPPY to read also you made the choice: SEVER ALL TIES to your family since they are just dragging you down and your brother's presence brings up the ugliness you had to endure all those years.
I've severed ties with my 3 brothers since my last parent's death in 01. NONE have been supportve or would even talk directly to me about my many illnesses and that was NOT even my lyme and diabetes dx!
My outlook on this is, "they don't know what they are missing"!
Happy you have the SUPPORT and unconditional love of your husband/children helping you deal with all of this.
In bereavement classes, they have us write a letter to the disceased; perhaps, this would be the perfect opportunity to write down ALL your feeligns about what happened to you and send to your borther & parents....just my thought.
Best wishes for a HAPPIER future where you don't have to relive the past over & over!
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You are indeed a brave and strong person! I'm so glad you can see the enemy and say "no more!"
I also have a history of childhood abuse and have found little ketes hiding in my scared brain. It can be really startling to find old stuff you thought was all done revisiting. Always remember this is a sign of healing.
I have found to my joy, that as I do the processing of these "post traumatic stress" episodes, the haunting goes away, and I am able to be more present and real than ever before.
posted
Everything I read about getting better says you have to not just take medication but rid your body of the toxins.
Toxic family and friends can continue to keep you from reaching you goal of good health just like any other toxin.
It really doesnt matter what form the toxin comes in. If it continues to make you ill then you MUST get rid of it.
Im so glad to hear that you have come to realize your family members are not only non supportive but are actually toxic and must be eliminated from your life.
Its even better that your husband sees the harm they are continually causing you and is supportive of this seperation.
You dont have to make any kind of statement to them that will cause a big upsetting "to do" just dont associate with them anymor.
I see lot of flues, headaches in your future keeping you from being in contact with them.
Oh yes, and you need some momentatry disasters that have to be immediately taken care of when on the phone with one of them.
Good for you, another life choice to help you get to be the best you can be.
ps: I firmly believe in the mind body connection. When I was a little girl I ate pancakes and got very sick.
Everytime I would see or hear about pancakes I would get that queasy feeling in my tummy again. My mind remembered and told my body to rev up the all the old symptoms of eating the pancakes.
I did finally get over this in my mid 30's and went on to enjoy pancakes.
You can get over your toxic family too. Recognizing the toxin is the first step to eliminating it. You are right it was a gift to see it.
Posts: 561 | From connecticut | Registered: May 2004
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posted
You have a GOOD reason to never see your brother again.
Some families break up over squabbles that seem benign in comparison. He said...she said stuff...or who got more when mom died, etc.
My adopted brother (lucky no blood relations) is the biggest, sorriest excuse for a person I have ever met. He abused his mother and let his wife too.
I haven't seen him in nine years and never plan on seeing him again.....ever.
I eventually got custody of my mother and took care of her the best I could...actually, I was very good to my mother.
After she died....I had time too think about the events of the previous years. I hit rock bottom and wound up in the hospital for two days with blood in my stools.
While in the hospital I had a wonderful dream in which everything was sorted out, and I have never looked back or had regrets.
It may be difficult at holiday times but every year it gets easier and easier. I hope you find the peace I did in going it alone.
My brother just brought me and everyone around him down...he was a negativity accelarator and I had no need for that in my life.
Seeing your brother is causing you to have a post traumatic stress reaction....and you do not deserve that.
I wish you calm and peace as you sort out the lot your brothers actions have dealt you. I'll just listen if you ever want to vent and PM me. Good luck. Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2004
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lpkayak
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 5230
posted
i applaud your husband and all the other mates on here who stick by and support their lymie other half...
sofy...i really like this:
"it really doesnt matter what form the toxin comes in. If it continues to make you ill then you MUST get rid of it."
-------------------- Lyme? Its complicated. Educate yourself. Posts: 13712 | From new england | Registered: Feb 2004
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AZURE WISH
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 804
posted
I am sooo glad you have a supportive husband.....
I think its good your cutting ties with people who won't help your health ....
actually the stress they bring into your life will probaly on hinder your recovery
(They say stress effects the immune system)
How I dealt with people abandoning me as I got sicker was I realized.....
I need to cherish and be grateful for the people that stayed....
And I don't need the people that left... whatever their reason for leaving.
You are a very strong person to be dealing with all the things that have happened to you.... not to mention the lyme on top of that
If things get to bad with it you might want to consider seeing a counsoler or someone....
The truth, however painful, does set you free. You can make far better traditions and memories with a family of your choice than with that sorry bunch.
hopeful123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3244
posted
yemaya,
i am right there with you. worked and worked on the ptsd for years and years and years.
many improvements along the way. many days when i feel totally free from the past.
what helped me THE MOST was cutting off ties to a family member who consistantly denied the past was what it was. when i was around this person i would doubt my own memories which is FATAL.
pretty much all of them are dead and now it's time to continue to let go some more so i can be FREE.
if you write a letter to anyone expressing all of your feelings, it is not mailed. instead, it is shared with someone you trust very much.
feel free to pm me.
ps. it's often hard to figure out which is the lyme and which the ptsd when i have neuro stx.
wishing the best and admiring your courage
-------------------- some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield Posts: 1160 | From NY | Registered: Oct 2002
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posted
Most people think that family is the most important thing.
I'm sad that I didn't have a happy family. I feel as if I missed something really good.
In my case, there wasn't any sexual abuse involved, just neglect and psycological pathology.
I've gotten to the point where I can laugh about how they were, how screwed up we all were, and how I didn't even know it at the time--but who I am is because of how it was.
My "revenge" so to speak, has been to treat my own children with love and support and NOT the way I was treated. I work on not letting myself feel like a sacrifice.
I have been so blessed with a supportive husband and great children. It would be wonderful to have an extended family, but it's all about choices.
As a child, you have no control. As an adult, you have more choice about who you allow in your life.
Sex with a child is always wrong. Always.
Posts: 353 | From Florida boonies | Registered: Nov 2005
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Linda LD
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6663
posted
Your Mom sounds like a real piece of work as well as your brother!
You are very smart and brave woman.
God bless you and your husband.
Linda
Posts: 1171 | From Knoxville, TN US | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I feel very blessed by all your confirmation and support. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It has been a difficult day. I'm on my moon, and am detoxing off the recent Rife session I did.
Your words are like a cool drink of water to woman in the desert. I appreciate every word of encouragement.
See what happened last Sunday, was my Mom asked if I was going to my brothers step daughters Birthday party. (After I have told her time, and time again that I was did not want to have contact with him.)I said No! She proceeded to get angry with me.
She told me she thought it was terrible for what I was doing to my kids. Believe me my kids didn't want to go either. The little girl is very mean and bossy.
We had it out. (Sorry Sofy upsetting to do) I said some long over due things about her choice of parenting. That she is not the best one to critique my parenting. That she should look at her job.
She responded by saying she would not go there with me on these issues again. (She has never wanted to deal with it.) If I wanted to do this why didn't I just take a gun and shoot her and my dad. (See told you she was nuts) I didn't let her get a way with it.
She ended the conversation by saying "You want a break from us? I'll give you a break." Then she hung up on me. YEAH!
It has been week and half since I had words with my mother and put her in her place about were I stand on these issues, and that I will not back down this time.
It is hard, but there is no going back. I can't! So your words have given me confirmation I'm doing the right thing. Again Thank You!
Love & Light Posts: 188 | From NM | Registered: Feb 2006
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Linda LD
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6663
posted
Your mom sounds like she has a "border-line" personality. You might want to do research on the term and see if she fits the picture.
Borderline-personalities always think they are right. You can't argue with one because even when they are wrong--you are wrong to point it out. Most are alcoholics, permiscious and always right.
Many, however, don't have these obvious distinctions and are harder to recognize.
I remember reading one book and it said, "don't make eye contact--that is agressive to the border-line personality!"
You are doing the right thing for your children, you are teaching them that when someone is caustic and unkind, they don't have to deal with that--they don't have to take abuse from anyone--they can find better companions.
What a good mother you are, and you are finally being good to your self. I applaud and admire you--I know this has all been very hard--but aren't you proud of your self? You should be! I am!
Good job!!!
Linda
Posts: 1171 | From Knoxville, TN US | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Your mother is using guilt to try to control you.
Your kids don't want to go. That's enough of a reason. Kids are good at recognizing "evil". Why should they have to put up with a spoiled brat getting all the attention?
If your mother wants to talk to you, then she'll have to come to it herself.
When my father died, we hadn't spoken for five years. I hadn't done anything wrong that he would tell me about--I was supposed to keep begging him to tell me, I guess.
In the end, I left it up to him, and he never called. He didn't want to talk to me so I let it be his decision.
It was easier for me than you, though, because we didn't live close.
Other people, people who didn't know him or understand the situation can't believe I would let him die without talking to him, or going a thousand miles away to say good bye to him. Not that I'd been invited for a visit in ten years.
My uncle's wife called me in hysterics about it. I told her I was sorry, but it was up to him.
I was hurt that I meant that little to him, but I didn't give in. He was a bitter, cruel, hateful, controlling man, and he drank. As with your mom, I think he was more than a bit crazy.
Your mother will get over it, or she won't. In either case, you can respect yourself for standing up to her. Posts: 353 | From Florida boonies | Registered: Nov 2005
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
my best coping stategy:
One day at a time
One thing at a time
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Thank you all. I am still holding strong. You all have been wonderful. I am sorry if I sound like whiny victim.
I wrote a letter to my parents and sent them some articles on sibling sexual abuse. judging from experience, a waste of paper & ink.
My father stopped by yesterday afternoon unannounced. It was really akward. He brought my kids a Happy Meal, & some gifts. It was like a sad desperate attempt to hold on.
He claimed he didn't understand why I was upset. That my mom did not tell him anything. I told him about the letter, and said it would be in the mail box when he got home, to read it.
I then told him why I was mad and how I felt, and in common dad style he said nothing and just sat there and tensed up.
He never responded to anything I said. Just made small talk about the kids, told me not to cut them out, call my mother, and left.
I won't even tell you about the guilt messages left on the answering machine from my mother.
My husband & I were just dumb founded by this. I really did not know how to respond.
I was already having a bad herx day and was in alot of pain. My defenses were low.
So maybe I should have reacted diffrently. My dark side wanted to tell him to get the hell out.
After he left I felt worse then I did before. I was exhausted.
I plan on waiting til they read the letter to see what there response is. I don't have any expectations.
Quite frankly I want them to leave me alone, and let me get on with my life. I can't deal with all this stress. I don't understand what they want from me.
I am trying my best to deal with this in the most mature & healthiest way possible. Trying to do what is best for myself and my family. (I'm not sure if I'm succeeding) I guess thats all I can do. They are not making it easy. Posts: 188 | From NM | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Just an update. Its now Saturday and it looks like I got my wish. I have not heard a peep from them all week.
So as sad as it is they have no intention of responding to my letter it seems. Well like I said I had no expectations.
Though I can't help but feel sad that I made an attempt at trying to maybe heal this growing chasm between my family and me. Only to have made a new Continent. Oh well on to bigger and better things.
As my husband says "What a bunch of Fleishers". Fleisher means, "Empty Bottle" in German.
Thank you all again for all your support. You have all been wonderful.
Love & Light, Yemaya Posts: 188 | From NM | Registered: Feb 2006
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