posted
Not sure how long my insurance will keep up and cobra sure is expensive.
I'm still in shock, never saw it coming. As if I didn't have enough on my plate now, they found a lump in my breast that I have to have mammo'd and diagnosed in 3 weeks.
My lyme is worse and I am having a hard time walking these days. Not sure where to turn anymore except in the same circles I've been going in since diagnosis.
I'm going to call tomorrow to see if I can move this and my doc app't for more meds up ASAP.
Where is God? Posts: 867 | From PA | Registered: Jan 2006
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kelmo
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8797
posted
I'm so sorry. If anything else, your last comment is the saddest. There is nothing worse than losing hope.
Will be praying for hope..hope...hope, and for you to feel Him meeting your needs.
God is very much with you as you face these difficult challenges. As with every trouble we encounter, sometimes we must step aside and allow Him to do his work.
It is much like the "bottom" that some addicts experience. The bottom is where we are forced to LOOK UP! And when we truly know that we cannot
carry our burdens alone or fix anything by ourselves, then God gets our attention. For me, it took losing everything I loved and held close
and dear. I lost my job, my income, my home, my car, my husband, my friends, my sense of purpose, my former health, and countless other things that
I felt defined me. I was so ANGRY for so long and I learned later that it was wasted energy. I remember the exact time that I literally was on
the floor sobbing and yelling at God, saying, "Where ARE you? How can you allow so many bad things to happen to me?" I felt totally
whipped and beat up and hopeless and alone. When I was depleted and had gotten quiet, I moved to my bed and hugged my pillows. It was in
that stillness that I swear I heard a voice which said, "Now that your busy life and everything in it has fallen away, you will know me and hear me
and I will never leave you. I have always been with you, but you have not paid attention." To say the least, I was shaken. The next morning
nothing of my circumstances had changed, but my heart had. I recognized that I wasn't "floating the boat" and that I just needed to trust that God as I understood Him would work in my life as
He saw fit. It took a huge leap of faith to let go of my own ego and desires and belief that I could take care of everything. I realized that I
WASN'T taking care of everything....I COULDN'T! I hope in the coming days and weeks you will think upon this, that you will just say, "I cannot do this alone." That is sufficient.
And I also hope you will realize that God is not "out there" somewhere but is part of you, the part that is perfect, with no want and no need.
When you are able to tap into the divine within, you will be strengthened beyond any measure.
In the meantime, post, post post here! Allow us to support and help you. God works through us also. If you would like to talk, please PM me and I will make that happen.
My best love,
Janet
-------------------- DISCLAIMER: No information presented above should be considered medical advice or take the place of advice given by a medical professional. Links to other sites are provided merely for ease of research. Posts: 287 | From Tennessee | Registered: Sep 2006
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Areneli
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6740
posted
One door closes, another one opens. Have trust in it.
This is a circle of life.
Posts: 1538 | From Planet Earth | Registered: Jan 2005
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
poor, i'm so sorry to read this. yes, demand a sooner appt. about the breast lump, etc. they found.
find out when your insurance expires since we normally pay ahead of time for monthly coverage!
may god carry you during this emotional rollercoaster you began today and with the breast suspicions.
again, post here in support FOR SUPPORT. others have walked in your footsteps ok!
i have posted a link below from minoucat on a WIDE variety of things; check it out ok!
Resources for getting Disability, Insurance, dealing with HMOs From MINOUCAT .... outstanding advice here!
luvs2ride
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8090
posted
TNJanet
WHAT A TESTIMONY!!!
Tothe, please read and re-read TNJanet. Everything she experienced is truth. It is TRUTH like no other truth we have.
Please don't waste any energy trying to regain your job. It is very possible that job was hindering your ability to heal. If the job was draining your energy, then your sick body had nothing left to fight your illness. The solution may not be obvious to you now, but I pray in the very near future you will look back and see this moment as a blessing and a turning point in your healing.
As for your lump, I am so sorry you have yet one more stupid health issue to deal with. I pray it proves to be simple to resolve. For what this is worth, I just read an article about how CoQ10 prevents breast cancer. May cure as well???
I am making a note to myself to try to find that article again. I don't have time now as I must get ready for work, but I will research it tonight and will send it to you. It was pretty amazing and something I had not read before.
Try to google CoQ10 and breast cancer and see what comes up. It was a scientific report, not anything from a website selling CoQ10.
Please don't stop praying or believing in God. God has not abandoned you. He is moving you to a better place for you.
Tothe, we love you and we are praying for you. Never forget you have many friends here!
Luvs
-------------------- When the Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power, there will be Peace. Posts: 3038 | From america | Registered: Oct 2005
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Cobweb
Unregistered
posted
Yes, God works through people.
Everytime you post, TTPH , I know it will be something I can relate too- and wow what a zinger this time.
This thread is so inspirational I am going to print it and carry it with me. Thank you Janet for leading the charge against all odds.
When I initially hit hard times I thought I could take it all in stride because I had such a strong Faith and Belief in God. When I began to experience despair, depression, suicidal thoughts,anger, fear I was further disappointed in myself because I saw it as a lack of faith.
I felt worthless. I heard a song recently on the radio I would like to get a copy of-but the gist of the lyrics was "Sometimes God calms the storm, Sometimes God calms the child,Sometimes God calms the wind and rain, sometimes He doesn't, sometimes God calms the child"
God is with you. God is with me. God is here with us, to guide us through the storm. I'm still here, the storm may not have passed, but I can see patches of blue sky now.
Maya Angelou-" I know why the caged bird sings, on its darkest day it believes in Spring"
Shout out in the darkness, TTPH, so we can find you-and shout back to let you know you are not alone. Love, Carol
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I can say I've been there. In 1992, 14 years away from a Lyme diagnosis, I had a health melt down, and in the process lost my job, my career, many of my friends, and my home.
I too railed at God.
I did not hear a response.
But...
I did have the strength to walk through those dark years one step at a time, and to ultimately walk out of the darkness and back into something that passes for "a life." I believe that inner strength was god manifesting in my life, though some who know me say it was "true grit."
Whether God appears by your side, or you find your inner strength, you will get through this.
The things that helped me were, finding and connecting with support, finding and utilizing professional help (docs), doing what I could do at any given time, and forgiving myself for my inability to do things when I couldn't do them.
Keeping the goals all manageable, doable, not looking for the major turn around, just looking to improve my experience by baby steps. For instance, just setting a goal of taking a daily shower, which at one point was not possible. Now it's not even something that requires thought. (just for today!)
One thing that helped me tremendously was affirmations. I posted little index cards around my apartment with positive affirmations of my worth. Loosing it all really took a toll in that area.
So along that line, there is something I've been wondering since I first read your displayed name here. What effect does "tothepoorhouse" as a name have on the way you think and feel about yourself? Is it an effect that is helpful to you, or otherwise?
I know this is a very sensitive subject, but I do think that sense of identity plays a very big part in our experience with illness and disability.
I'm sending you support and caring, and hoping you can find some resting time and space to care for yourself in the midst of these trying experiences.
Karen
Posts: 112 | From RI | Registered: Jan 2007
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Please hang in there and know you are never alone. There is a reason for everything.
It doesn't have to make sense to us, but know that God is always with you. So are we.
TNJanet, I will print your post and carry it with me. Your words, spirit and belief reaffirms mine. Thank you. (Again)
Please see if you can get your mammogram moved up.
I am praying for you and a positive outcome. Asking God to have his Angels wrap their wings around you and hold you during this trying time.
Like TNJanet, I also had a spiritual experience a couple of weeks ago when I distinctly heard a voice tell me to Be still......and know that I Am.
You are never alone.
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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I got Lyme five years ago, a very severe case, and actually got very well with abx. It took five years but I was functioning at 80%-100% somedays.
Only to get bit again this summer. I declined rapidly, and was hospitalized because I could not walk. My bed was padded because I was also on seizure watch. It was truly miserable.
I remember praying to God, in the middle of the night that I felt so alone, and had I not suffered enough. I felt like I was just starting to get my life back. More than anything I did not feel God close to me, I felt totally abandon.
The next morning when my husband came to visit he asked me what they thought was happening to me. I told him that they had taken alot of blood for testing, and that I had an MRI, and many neurologists had been in to see me. They were all interested with my history with Lyme, but of course I did not have Lyme because their tests said so.
Anyway I told my husband that they really didn't have any answers for me in the hospital. They thought maybe Mythanesis Gravis, but not sure. I told him "it felt like Lyme, but it just felt different this time."
Later in the day a pastor came in to see me. She asked if she could pray with me, and asked what she could pray for. I told her that I was having alot of neurological difficulties, and could she please pray for my family.
After she prayed for me she told me "I don't know what this means, but what does it mean to you that it is different this time."
I could not believe that she said the exact same words that came out of my mouth earlier in the day.
I explained to the pastor my medical history, and she said, I think God it trying to tell you something.
I was doubting lyme at that point, because I again I did not have the bullseye, and my symptoms were so different from before. When she said those words to me I knew it was lyme again, and God would see me through this again.
I also believe that was a message, telling me and all of us that we are never alone. God is always with us, even when we don't feel his presence .
A book called The Prayer that Changes Everything has helped me so much thru this illness.
I will be praying for you, and remember you are not alone in this.
Kathy
Posts: 175 | From Pa | Registered: Aug 2006
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Michelle M
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7200
posted
Hello, dear Poorhouse.
I know what kind of shock you must be feeling.
Possibly, the situation has been taken out of your hands for you. This is probably for the best.
Maybe now you will begin some better healing, minus the stress of working.
Perhaps otherwise you would not have been able to get better.
It may be a blessing in disguise.
Take the time now to take care of YOU.
Hugs,
Michelle
Posts: 3193 | From Northern California | Registered: Apr 2005
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Jill E.
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9121
posted
Dear TTPH,
You have received so many encouraging words in the above posts, that I agree with (and, yes, I have felt abandoned many times by God when I prayed for a diagnosis and prayed for healing and felt no response, but I still keep praying believing that somehow good will come, I will be stronger, and in the meantime, I've helped a lot of Lyme patients get into treatment).
Like Karen, I use lots of affirmations and scriptural verses about healing, not fearing, etc.
Anyway, I'd like to focus on your need to keep insurance coverage. Please do not let it lapse. Even if COBRA is expensive, please make sure you get it if there is no way to extend your current insurance.
I have been dropped from insurance so many times because of changes in employment or having a group policy and the group was dropped, etc. And I was not insurable because of pre-existing conditions - and this was before Lyme!!
It is much easier to roll from one insurance plan to another. So if you need to move heaven and earth to afford COBRA, it's worth it - because once you're on COBRA for 18 months, then another insurance plan will have to take you according to HIPAA regulations.
HIPAA is the only way I was able to get the insurance plan I have now - because I was dropped by my previous insurance plan for reasons beyond my control.
There have been years where I couldn't get insurance at all and paid everything out of pocket. Now, even with insurance, I have to pay for most Lyme treatment out of pocket. But it's better than having no insurance, and at least it covers all the other health testing and procedures.
So even though you have been hit with an emotional wallop, please focus on the practical issue of needing to maintain insurance.
My prayers are with you.
Jill
-------------------- If laughter is the best medicine, why hasn't stand-up comedy cured me? Posts: 1773 | From San Diego | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
TTPH: Dear one I am sorry for your circumstances and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. There are many days, in which I wonder where is God, how I am going to get through this, ( I have had vision losss with the lyme) . I have met good people along the way, whose kindness has revitalized my strength , courage and faith. I hope that your friends here on this forum will be able to help you too.Keep your chin up.
Posts: 719 | From Delaware | Registered: Jan 2006
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
(((((tothepoorhouse)))))
I am so sorry to hear this my heart goes out to you.
hang in there
And don't give up.
I'll keep the prayer light on for you
hugs & healing Dana
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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When I got sick in '92 i lost my job. I was single, had a mortgage and was offered cobra. The cobra was about the same amount as my mortgage. I chose to pay my mortgage, and not the medical insurance.
I didn't really understand how sick I was. Within a few months I ended up needing to be in the hospital, and I searched and searched a finally found one that would take me. Without that generosity of their charitable foundation I'm sure I would have died.
In the end I got so sick that I lost my home anyway. the health insurance would have been a better option, because perhaps with care, sooner, I wouldn't have gotten so sick. But who knows really.
Karen
Posts: 112 | From RI | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I am so sorry about your job loss. I hope and pray you can find another job with better pay and better insurance.
You have a lot that you're dealing with and the timing of this was just awful! Make sure your dr. knows just exactly where you're at financially & the job loss. He may know of some programs to help you and be able to expedite the tests for you so it will be covered under this insurance instead of cobra.
Draw even closer to God than ever before. Ask Him to show you the path to take.
This is overwhelming to me and I'm not even in the situation. Take little steps and do the next thing. Spruce up your resume. Get a letter of recommendation from your former employer if possible. Can you apply for SSI and or unemployement? How about food stamps or other assistance?
God bless you and may you see new doors of opportunity opening for you!
Kayda
Posts: 582 | From midwest | Registered: Nov 2006
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luvs2ride
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 8090
posted
Got breast cancer? Think CoQ10.
Ok. This is not THE article I read but when I did a google of CoQ10 and cancer, here is just one of many articles that came up about it.
-------------------- When the Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power, there will be Peace. Posts: 3038 | From america | Registered: Oct 2005
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sometimesdilly
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 9982
posted
my dear almshouse bunk-mate-
i'm so sorry to hear that you've lost your job, and that you had no idea that it was coming.
even in the best of times, when nothing is at stake, it is so difficult to be cut loose suddenly, to have your life change abruptly, to feel so out of control.
and in your case, so much is at stake. it is definitely good advice to do everything you can to get and to hold onto cobra insurance, no matter what else you have to sacrifice to do so.
truly out of control would be not being able to help yourself get better. there is no need to let the situation get to that. for starters, how about telling your llmd what has happened and ask for advise about you can continue to be treated.
sending you big hugs ---dilly
Posts: 2507 | From lost in the maze | Registered: Aug 2006
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I'm hoping that this is some blessing in disguise but what a shocker that must have been.
As soon as I read your post, I thought of a page in Buhner's Healing Lyme book where he is speaking of resveratrol and its ability to inhibit human breast cell cancers.
If you don't have a copy of the book, I would be happy to copy and mail this chapter to you.
Hang in there!
Posts: 460 | From Illinois | Registered: Aug 2005
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear TTPH,
Just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.
Have you gotten your mammogram moved up?
If you get a chance to post, please let us know how you are doing.
Continuing to send you positive healing thoughts and prayers.
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
Hi everyone! I cannot even write all of the thoughts I have re: your kindness and caring for me. The prayers are helping, believe me!
Today is my last day at work. Mixed feelings...I believe everyone that this is a course I am meant to take.
I had to make a fast decision as to whether I took 3 months of severence and go on cobra, or apply for disability. My employer told me they would put that through for me.
I investigated and found that the co that administers the disability insurance is Unum. Bad reputation, I know.
How I made my decision?
The 3 months severence is a good chunk of change for a 3 month non-compete in my contract. Plus I can get ongoing cobra coverage for health and dental insurance. I also found out that I might be able to get unemployment insurance for at least 6 months.
The disability cut my monthly income and short term, only last for 14 weeks. Then Unum would kick in. However, I did not want to be tethered to the company that fired me ...nor have Unum start their antics of fighting LTD, making me see other docs to disprove what I have and investigate my life. I don't need that cloud or stress hanging over me.
So I decided to take the severence and cobra, and the unemployment route. This gives me time to concentrate totally on my healing while preparing for my next job.
I'm 51 years old, the primary wage earner and will have to use my network of clients and associates to look for a new job.
I do want to work and am good at what I do. So I'm going to have faith that God has me on the correct route, with the least amount of trauma associated with it.
As I mentioned, right now, I'm ok with my decision. Three months of no work stress will most definitely help my healing.
I look forward to a new adventure at a new job in the spring. That's my way of looking forward. If it doesn't happen, then it's the path I'm supposed to take....I'll keep that as my mantra.
Bless you all for your kindness! Wish me luck and pray that I understood what God guided me to do and got it right! Posts: 867 | From PA | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
You made the right decision to take the money and COBRA. In your situation, you don't want to let your health insurance expire.
I don't know how it works in PA, but you may be able to find individual insurance as long as you maintain coverage--indvidual coverage is much cheaper here in Florida. And once you get it, you can keep it if by chance you end up working in your own business.
God always tells me I have the strength to get through. That's always the answer I get. Sometimes the pain, etc. is more than a person can take.
I don't have any serious money issues right now. But I know from experience that few things can make you as crazy as worrying about money.
I had a lump in my breast--found on a mammogram-- that turned out to be a cyst. It almost ruined our family's Christmas that year I was so flipped out. Luckily, I went to a wonderful radiologist who could tell by looking at the ultrasound what it was--and he told me before I left his office that my breast was normal. He could have waited to send the report to the doctor, but he didn't.
Until you know for sure, it's a small comfort that most lumps aren't cancer. But usually they aren't.
Sending you positive thoughts.
Posts: 353 | From Florida boonies | Registered: Nov 2005
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hopeful123
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3244
posted
ttph,
i just read of your troubles. i can't express the sadness i feel at your plight. there has been so much love and inspiration posted here. i am in awe of the outpouring of love.
i just wanted to add my expression of hope to the others by echoing the quote y
Maya Angelou-" I know why the caged bird sings, on its darkest day it believes in Spring"
we don't know where this hope comes from, especially in our darkest hour.
it's a mystery which exists in the universe whether you call it God or something else. I know that i am very grateful for those crashingly painful life lessons and what they left me with.
i believe in the power of prayer and meditation and that thoughts create. so, that we better get our own thoughts moving in the right the direction as soon as we possibly can.
i also know that it is healing to express the scarey, dark stuff, too, because usually we find that we are not alone. that other people are facing similar challenges.
i hope you will continue to let the board know exactly what's happening.
you are in my prayers
-------------------- some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield Posts: 1160 | From NY | Registered: Oct 2002
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Dear TTPH,
I am so glad that you are feeling better.
I read a quote today about your darkest hour is only 60 minutes long.
Of course when you are in that dark hour, it can seem like an eternity.
Please keep us updated.
Better things are going to be coming your way!
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
Betty, can you resend the info to my email address? It went into my spam folder and I mistakenly deleted it.
I found out today that my cobra will cost me almost $900 a month. That's half of my mortgage payment. Won't be enough left over for food and utilities.
Anyone with individual health plan options in PA for my spouse and myself for less?
I'm looking into AARP insurance as it says there is no physical exam. But I'm now on BCBS where lyme is an existing condition.
Not sure which way to go.
Can anyone advise?
Many thanks.
Posts: 867 | From PA | Registered: Jan 2006
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
Up for help for THPH.
Geneal
PS I knew cobra was expensive, but WoW! How can people who are unemployed afford that?
Still praying and thinking about you.
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
Gosh my heart goes out to you. I am new to this forum and am so glad to meet all of you. I know the feeling exactly. We all have painful stories that challenge us daily not to go down th hopeless path. But where is God? He is in any form of love you are able to see and receive. In your pain and predicament that might be only one or two a day. A silly dog playing catch in the park or someone picking something up for another.
God never goes away....He won't leave you. You have just traveled away. He knows you have lost your job and you are in despair and pain and scared. He wants to give you your hearts desire. Just keep asking. Don't give up hope.
These are the things I am learning on my hopeful days. Take really good care of yourself.
Posts: 88 | From Carnation | Registered: Feb 2007
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I was able to get insurance from my original provider as individual coverage for $300 a month less than Cobra. And no break in coverage or concern about physicals or pre-existing conditions!! (Thanks for the tip!)
Also, even better news on the mammogram! The original lump is GONE!!! They didn't even have to do the ultrasound. The radiologist said I am fine and to leave the testing early!
Thank you all again for your kind prayers, support and friendship. Posts: 867 | From PA | Registered: Jan 2006
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