LabRat
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 78
posted
Wellll, yes I do bbutt, it's a bit rough. Two actually come to mind. (1) When a young girl ask me, "how are you?", I reply, " better than nothing!". Course, you can see that coming when your reading it. (2) How many battered housewives does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if the b**ch knows what's good for her!
------------------
Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
hahaha, i knew you'd be good for a laugh!
how's things in TX? good to see you are still here, looks like we we 'lost a few'... some i will really miss.
posted
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and, and .. then that is when all the trouble started.
[This message has been edited by Angela Bachmann (edited 20 August 2005).]
Posts: 572 | From New Jersey | Registered: Oct 2000
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
OH MAN Angela! HaHaHa! I took the first few lines seriously and was seriously wondering about YOU! haha! I at least gave you the benefit of posting in the wrong place instead of being, um... sadistic, putting such a sad thing in a joke thread!
posted
An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember that."
"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
posted
When the stress gets to be too much - go shopping! Head to Wal-Mart and practice some of these suggestions:
# Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
# Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
# Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
# Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
# Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
# Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap
# Put M&M's on layaway.
# Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
# Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
# When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
# Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
# Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
# Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
# While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
# Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
# Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
# Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
# In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
# Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
# When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
# If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
# Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
-------------------- Love, Angela Posts: 572 | From New Jersey | Registered: Oct 2000
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livinlyme
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 3773
posted
I found a couple of cute ones on Lyme: Three ladies with Lyme were discussing the problems of living with the disease. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood." as she rapped her knuckles on the table...then said,"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
****************************************** If you have burning sensations with Lyme, should you call the Fire Department? ******************************************
As a Lymie was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-15. Please be careful."
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ******************************************
Two lyme-stricken women were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, one of the women turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me,, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
The second lyme-stricken gal, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally, with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you have to know ?"
********************************************
If an invasion of deer ticks in a rural area caused that locality to have to hire an additional forestry person to deal with the problem, plus an additional public health person to deal with the resultant Lyme Disease outbreak, and as a result of the additional expenditure on personnel the locality was forced to levy new taxes on its populace to cover the cost, would that new charge be considered a tick-tax?
-------------------- "Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it." Posts: 1389 | From who knows, who cares, but somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mar 2003
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lymeloco
Unregistered
posted
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed on."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead."
"How can you be so sure", she protested? "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. A few moments later he returned with a black, Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog. led it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat also sniffed the bird from beak to tail and back again.
Then the cat slowly shook her head, meowed mournfully, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman. "I'm sorry, but as I said, the duck is most definately, dead."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced an invoice, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150" she cried!
The vet shrugged.
"I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20$. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
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LabRat
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 78
posted
Some pot heads were having a party. One climbs up on the roof and says he's going to fly and then swan dives into the sidewalk. The police come and asks one of the bystanders why he didn't try to stop him, hell, I thought he could make it!
Two drunks bumped into one another under a street lamp. Say buddy, is that the sun or the moon? I don't know, I don't live around here.
A Marine was having a beer at his club. He lights a cigarette and before he can put the lighter in his pocket another Marine walks up and ask if he could get a light. No, the first Marine replies. Why not? Because we would start shooting the breeze, have a few beers and become friends, then we'd transfer to the same outfit. Next thing you know we'd be in combat and I don't want to go into battle with someone too dumb to bring the matches!
Flying in weather one day I heard on the radio, ``I'd like to do a 360 and get the hell outta here!
A sailor's wife has a 50% chance for happiness. When he's home or when he's at sea!
Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
A Love Story
I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All My Love........,
The Flu
Now, get your mind back to normal and go get your flu shot Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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LabRat
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 78
posted
An elderly man worked as a gravedigger for a small town. He finished a grave and not thinking threw his shovel out. Normally when finished he would use the shovel to cut steps on each side and sort of step his way up and out of the grave. The ground was very hard and with nothing to use as a tool, his only option was to wait for some one to show up and toss his shovel back down to him.
It got dark and very cold and he with just a thin shirt began to shiver and his teeth began to chatter. As fortune would have it, the town drunk was taking a short-cut home through the cemetery and heard the chattering teeth. He walked over to the open grave and saw the gravedigger huddled and shivering down below. No wonder your cold, they forgot to cover you up and with that throws a shovel full of dirt on the gravedigger!
Sounds funnier when you tell it!
A student going to collage on the G.I. Bill was always late. One morning the professor ask him, ``what did they do to you in the Army when you were late?'' They would salute and say good morning sir!
Posts: 1887 | From Corpus Christi, Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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posted
the other day i saw a woman wearing a t-shirt that had written on it:
"i want to barbie for halloween the bitc* has everything."
Posts: 2708 | Registered: Feb 2005
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
The NUN
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, | | | | | | | | | | "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. _____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
This one's for Labrat (sorry girls... )
ATM Procedures
A sign in the local Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
posted
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
thats funny!!!........good one!
-------------------- ~Things may happen in my life time to change who I am but I refuse to let them reduce me...~ Posts: 968 | From private | Registered: Jan 2005
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
Chinese Food
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
You're going to love this....................
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck ."
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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treepatrol
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 4117
posted
Click on the guy bending over he's the Link. Turn sound on
-------------------- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Remember Iam not a Doctor Just someone struggling like you with Tick Borne Diseases.
A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known, To sound just like a song.
Some farts do not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger awhile.
A fart can create A most-curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent, but deadly.
A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairies, To small elevators, A fart will find all of us Sooner or later.
So be not afraid Of the invisible gas, For always remember, That farts, too, shall pass.
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lymeloco
Unregistered
posted
The Avon Lady
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with some an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone pooped in a pine tree."
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posted
this one is slightly risque, I hope I don't get punished!
so a guy walks into a bar, and as he's walking up to the bartender he notices, surprisingly enough, president bush and donald rumsfeld sitting at a dimly lit corner table having drinks.
so the guy asks the bartender - "is that who I think it is?"
and the bartender replies - "yeah, they came in a couple of hours ago."
the guy then gets a beer from the bartender, and walks up to the table where bush and rumsfeld are sitting, and says - "excuse me, I hate to bother you two, but would you mind telling me exactly what two of the most powerful men in the world are doing sitting in this crappy hole-in-the-wall bar?
"No, you're not bothering us at all," says Bush. "We're just sitting here planning out world war three."
"World War Three!", says the guy. "Oh my god! That's terrible. Is there any way you can give me any hints about what's going to happen?"
"Well, actually it's pretty simple", says Bush. "We're going to kill 180 million Muslims and one big-titted blonde."
"Why in the world would you kill a big-titted blonde?", replies the guy.
And Bush looks at Rumsfeld and says:"see, I told you no one would care if we killed 180 million Muslims."
Posts: 523 | From Stillwater,OK,USA | Registered: Sep 2004
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5dana8
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7935
posted
'What did Bambie say when she came walkin out of the woods.? I'll never do that for a buck again."
-------------------- 5dana8 Posts: 4432 | From some where over the rainbow | Registered: Sep 2005
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It 2. Hide and go pee 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6. Musical Chairs
7. Simon says something incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND
1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." 3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 5. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
6. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 8. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember! A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Starphoenix
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 2402
posted
I remember this from a Calvin & Hobbes book. It always gives me a chuckle:
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie?
A melon-collie baby!
Steph
-------------------- Learning to love, and loving to learn. Posts: 1318 | From Shohola, PA | Registered: Apr 2002
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lymeloco
Unregistered
posted
A doctor at the asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!'' And the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''
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lymeloco
Unregistered
posted
I really do love this country, but...
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?
"The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and bought and flew all the planes he wanted, went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.
THE END --------------------------------------------------
Another 'gem' from my father, haha! He is a remote control plane 'nut' haha, I think he ad-libbed a little - he builds, buys and flies a LOT of planes Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I guess this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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dontlikeliver
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 4749
posted
A guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says:
"You'd better sit down the test results are back and I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you - it's cancer"
The patient/man is distraught, then the doctor adds.."and, I'm afraid there's MORE bad news - you've also got Alzheimer's disease."
"THANK GOD FOR THAT (says the patient) AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE CANCER! --------------------------------------------
(corny but clean)
Posts: 2824 | From The Back of Beyond | Registered: Oct 2003
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
~~~ yup, I am really bored today, haha! ~~~
Take this quick personality test, it's amazing!
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it. They are:
a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself! May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff. Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
-- A THANK YOU --
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
How do these people survive? (Ya gotta hope somebody made these up
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX: I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT: Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer." Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
Life is tough! It's tougher if you're stupid!"
Posts: 681 | From California | Registered: Oct 2005
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
Sad News
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71. Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
~ bet this would work for turkey too! ~
This recipe recently won the Tyson Chicken Cook-Off sponsored by Ladies Home Journal! Quick and easy and so delicious!
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6 - 7 Lb. Chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's hiney blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And you thought I couldn't cook.......
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 6293
posted
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.
The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" , asked Morris.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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