Loribelle
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posted
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond...
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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VERY SAD NEWS
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was NO problem, however, finding enough a$$es to fill the stable. Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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25% of women think their a$$ is too fat... 10% of women think their a$$ is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty four .. "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
TO: GOD FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why can't they put a price in the window so people will know they can afford us?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the Jaguar, the Cougar, the Mustang, the Colt and the Rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog! ? How often do you see a cougar riding around in a car? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename say the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad doggie?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent id's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember in order to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, skunks etc. just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are very tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel.' Neither are Mom and Dad's laps or legs.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug - of - war with Dad's underwear while he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the floor.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
and, finally, my last question . . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.
Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.
The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95 Volleyball Barbie: $19.95 Shopping Barbie: $19.95 Surfer Barbie: $19.95 Disco Barbie: $19.95 and Divorced Barbie: $299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Corvette Ken's House Ken's Boat Ken's furniture Ken's jewelry Ken's money Ken's computer, and Ken's best friend...
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Even Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, (cell phone) beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?" she asks. "155," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 240.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 9," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. "Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on prozac.
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
A school teacher asked each kid in the class if they were a Democrat or a Republican. One girl told the teacher, "I'm a Republican because my parents are Republican". The teacher was a little troubled by this and then asked the student, "Do you just blindly follow your parents? What if your parents were morons?" And the student replied, "Well then that would make me a Democrat".
Posts: 600 | From Las Vegas, NV | Registered: Nov 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
Male Strippers
Last night, my blond friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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-------------------- ~Things may happen in my life time to change who I am but I refuse to let them reduce me...~ Posts: 968 | From private | Registered: Jan 2005
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Loribelle
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posted
You're very welcome, Sweet Daniella Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
Subject: FABULOUS IMPORTANT KNOWLEDGE
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first " Marlboro Man. "
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
Meet Me At the River
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Smile, life is too short not to !!
See you at the river Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I'll bring the floaties.....lol we may need them lol..
-------------------- ~Things may happen in my life time to change who I am but I refuse to let them reduce me...~ Posts: 968 | From private | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Hey Loribelle check out my Lyme moment in general...lol
-------------------- ~Things may happen in my life time to change who I am but I refuse to let them reduce me...~ Posts: 968 | From private | Registered: Jan 2005
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Mother nature is sitting in her cottage in the woods watching TV. The doorbell rings. She looks outside and sees a little deer tick who is crying. She asks him what is wrong. He replies that his momma tick won't let him wreck despair and destruction on the world unless he gets an answer why he is different from other little ticks. He explains to Mother Nature that his private parts are a bright lemon color and his momma wants to know why. Mother Nature tells him that the Wizard of Oz will know the answer to his question. Overjoyed, he stops crying and crawls off to find the wizard. A few minutes later a Lyme literate doctor arrives at her door. He explains that he is lost and can't find his way to the ILADS conference. She replies that the Wizard of Oz would be able to give him directions to the conference. He wants to know how to get there. So what knowledge do we gain from this story??? See next line:
When you are off to see the Wizrd, follow the yellow tick's road.
Posts: 719 | From Delaware | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Loribelle: ITALIAN PASTA DIET
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Reminds me of one I heard from Rudy Max: It's supposed to be impossible to walk the entire length of London without passing a pub but Rudy actually accomplished this task. He stopped in every one.
-------------------- Jack Posts: 385 | From South New Jersey, USA | Registered: Jul 2001
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Loribelle
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posted
MO'll drink to that! Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Oh you guys are so funny...I was having such a crappy day until I came here...
Thanks!!
-------------------- Love, Merrie Believe in the power of your spirit..for it will carry you through the darkest hours of your life Posts: 261 | From minnesota | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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Member # 6293
posted
The Perfect Dress
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
NOW I ASK YOU, IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?
Posts: 1149 | From southeast iowa | Registered: Sep 2004
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Loribelle
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posted
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A new wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
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