posted
siggy, remember, i'm part norwegian on dad's side!
mom, dad, i, dad's 2 surviving sisters, and 3 of their children/spouses = 13 of us flew over in 7-1984 for 15 days there.
spent 1 wk. on tour bus; other week we met and stayed with never met before relatives!
dad's norwegian got rusty then; he committed us to going to things and didn't realize it!
we loved our visit there; beauty, fresh fruits, air/water.
but not the single lane highways where you'd have to back up 1/2 miles or more where a semi-trailer could get around you,
the nothing around all those curves where if you go off the highway, it's into the fjord or rocks below!
our only unpleasant thing was dad was pickpocketed as we were leaving our oslo hotel to board the bus to airport. dad took all cash; couldn't convince him to take traveler's checks; so they got $600 plus another $200-300 that my aunt and i paid for gas and the car rental for 1 week! mom/i could have had a hay day spending that money on gifts/jewelry/glassware we'd seen.
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom !
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter ."
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.
posted
the organist-story was great!! Thanks for the laughs!!
Some trip you had to Norway though. I guess the single lane roads are a just made for tourists. We usually go by helicopter (no we don't)
I've had quite a few scary moments myself on those tiny roads. Places where you wouldn't believe a truck would dare driving. Enormous tourist-busses trying to get around a bend. Every year there is a story of a bus or a truck that is stuck somewhere out in nowhere.
They are our free roller-coaster-roads!!
Posts: 155 | From Norway | Registered: Jan 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
siggy, yes, i was on that huge tourist bus, and so agree with what you just wrote! uffda! scarry!
when i was driving from odda back to oslo, i was doing too much scenic driving, and almost went off the road into the fjord! mom yelled at me getting me back to staying on the road, and then i was the driver watching road; NOT gorgious scenery.
cassie, i'm guilty as charged; but it was a CLEAN joke! i only post the best i get!!
actually 2 wks. ago when i was i was denied hip surgery by surgeon, i sent an email to ALL who email me these goodies, asking them to STOP SENDING stories, jokes, etc. it just takes so much time, and i needed that time/energy to find a hip surgeon who'll take me in spite of 4 life-threatening illnesses.
but my 1st cousin, judy, sneaks 1 in daily ... the cream of the crop! if i belly laugh, i bring it here for you all to enjoy as i did!
so i won't be posting many as i used to. i'd get 10-25 daily from my many sources!
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quote:Originally posted by bettyg: tutu, glad you enjoyed that one! i'd forgotten hubby was in a band!
how'd you do during ice storm/snow in your state? thought ab0ut you tutu!
We got VERY LUCKY. Springfield is a MESS and it all began about 15-20 miles north of us. Whew!!! Fortunately, it didn't freeze here until all the moisture was over.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
tutu, you really lucked out being so close; been watching all the tv news; what a mess!
got this one tonight, it's a must see on graphics especially the USA FLAG how it changes into so many shapes in seconds and wonderful music!
posted
my belly is still laughing from this good one from a lymenetter today! thanks janet!
Mrs. Goodnest
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
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bettyg
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posted
Hi lymies, boy, for those growing up in the 40-5o's, boy are you going to love this link!
as i type this, i started at the top and saw HENRY ALDRICH family, so i'm listening to henry goes ice skating as i type this; lots of GOOD, CLEAN LAUGHS FOR THIS LINK! try it.
lymenet will never be the same again with all this laughter you can find here!
This is a link to some old time radio shows
i f you want some good laughs and memories of some of the best comedians it is worth listening too.
They have other radio shows too and if you have ever wondered what they were like it's worth listening too. Judy
posted
OH those definitions were AWESOME!!! Right on!!
I'll have to check out the other link on the radio shows. My father-in-law had some tapes of old radio shows and they were great!!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
thank you iceskater for the below one!
Why God made Moms:
BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between Moms and Dads?
1. Moms works at work and works at home and dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING SEND IT ON TO OTHERS!
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bettyg
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posted
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy! I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that, maybe, this is a good omen, so he says, Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one" The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, " Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life ?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life ."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer! *******************************************
thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who, me?
5 Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well, darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no --- not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh, No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS *********************************
SERIOUS now, a 12 yr. old artist prodigy's work!
folks with dial-up like me, will take awhile due to buffering; but this is well worth it! watch the photos as it buffers along! have some reading material handy! bettyg, iowa enjoy !
I have seen this artist on Oprah so I know that she is real. This short movie clip shows her work and it is incredible. Judy ********************************
Amazing Art of Jim Warren; gorgeous kids' drawings !
You have got to see these paintings...WOW! children will love these!
posted
There is more truth than poetry in some of the sayings ....
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money! -Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.
"One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn".
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." *********************
A Few Inches Deep ==================
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond.
Walking over to a local villager, who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked, "Say, son, how deep is this pond?" "Oh, only a few inches," replied the challenged person. *************************************************
After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat, and within a few seconds was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond, he finally reached his hat and then struggled back to edge.
Climbing out, he screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!"
"Well, the water only comes half way up that duck over there." *******************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
CHOCOLATE SINGS
One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch.
When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes. I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing.
I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect.
Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
A SERIOUS ONE WITH "SOUL"!
Why Women Cry
Watch her eyes ...had a graphic showing tears coming down her cheeks!
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
You will boost another woman's self-esteem. Pass it on to men too - perhaps they will then understand "why women cry". ------------------------------
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hello is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
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Geneal
Frequent Contributor (5K+ posts)
Member # 10375
posted
One man asked another man when do you know if it is time to do the dishes and wash the clothes.
The other man told him to look in his pants......if "it" is still there....then it's not time.
Sounds just like my husband!!!!!
Geneal
Posts: 6250 | From Louisiana | Registered: Oct 2006
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read the poem that is cute even if julie andrews did NOT SAY it as rumored!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both have died according to a Hollywood source. They both arrive at the Gates of Heaven greeted by Saint Peter. Peter has only one spot currently available in Heaven and must choose between the two women.
Elizabeth goes to the bathroom to freshen up before the decision is made, Dolly adjusts her cleavage .In the end Elizabeth earns the slot in Heaven. Do you know why?
because a ROYAL flush beats a PAIR silly! ****************************************
a serious one; we can relate here with our lyme disease
WE ALL NEED A TREE
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car.
We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied, "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children...
So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
THIS ONE IS WORTH SENDING ON..... God Bless, Have A Blessed Day
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Old Girl Friend
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "Good grief!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?" ***************************
Janet, this was wonderful; i love the music; it's so soothing i could listen to it over/over! You may be surprised; at answers to Q/A!
Old Lovers The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well"
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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treepatrol
Honored Contributor (10K+ posts)
Member # 4117
posted
One day at band campa tick bit me! I would have rather had a tuba shoved up my butt
-------------------- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Remember Iam not a Doctor Just someone struggling like you with Tick Borne Diseases.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." ..."Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won. *********************
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car,runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, And she says, " Hi my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load. " The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. This goes on for 3 stop lights!
When the light Turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... " Hi my name is Kevin Its winter here in Maine and I'm driving the sand truck ."
some winter humor for all the snow/ice some states have been getting! really feel for NY with their 110 inches of snow! uffda.
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Bear Removal Service
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." ***************
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night, when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene~~ ****************************************
MARRIED FOR A NIGHT
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married". "Wow! That's a great idea!"he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" **********
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1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?
[ 27. February 2007, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: wiserforit ]
Posts: 508 | From Banks of the Hudson | Registered: Jul 2006
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
wiseforit, they were cute; gives food for thought!
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. What two days of the week begin with the letter T? How many seconds are there in a year? What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks. "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
posted
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
posted
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week.
Reluctantly, she agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning, after the choir's opening hymn, the minister slowly walked to the pulpit, hesitated, then quietly announced:
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermonn tewday." ````````````````````````````````````
fyi, this reminded me of my personal life! i, too, was large busted, DD, and played softball and other sports. my future husband used to come to my ball games to watch me run and bounce along the bases! it made his day!!
they just used to call me, betty boobs!
20 yrs. ago, i had breast reduction surgery where they removed a total of 5.5 lbs. from the 2 of them! no wonder i was so tired, and they had to REST on my desk and/or table!
again, my own personal trivia story to pass along with a good laugh!
****************
since you folks are the ones i regularly correspond with, a reminder that MONDAY, MARCH 5, is when i go to des moines' mercy hospital for my left hip replacement surgery starting NOONISH.
for any of you sending me stories, jokes, cartoons, please STOP SUNDAY MARCH 4 until i let you know differently after i get home and able to get to my pc! thanks.
if it's a LYME related article, FAMILY NEWS, or HEALTH NEWS, please send them, and i'll read them as time permits on my backlog of things!!
thank you all for your prayers for me that day and emails i've been receiving.
i've never felt so good/confident about any of the other 12 surgeries i've had! glad i had 1 month to prepare for this:
having 1 month to take iron pills to help my blood since i had 2 blood transfusions done so i can receive my own blood.
getting ALL my legal paperwork brought up to date: both wills DONE; durable power of attorney health care, updating my typed list of "heirlooms" of who we want various people to get later down the years.
my nephew lawyer, mike t, is also doing our durable power of attorney for finances so they can sign checks/sell home if/when it's needed. first time doing business with my lawyer nephew; went well, and we were both impressed by mike's thoroughness.
talk about NASTY, deadly weather all over the USA; tornados hitting the HS with kids in, and iowa's: rain, freezing rain, snow, blizzards, white-outs, and ALL interstates most of day; 100s stranded. take care my friends, bettyg
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ************************************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Computer Life Keys ===================
Sometimes we need to use computer keys in our lives.
Like when things go wrong or we get upset at someone, we need to use the DELETE key to rid ourselves of that.
We need to SHIFT our thinking and SPACE ourselves, INSERT some love, think of an ALTERNATE route.
BACKSPACE and ENTER into God's presence so that we can go HOME in the END ***********
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
They Ask Why I Like Retirement !
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal .
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to. *********************************************
The River
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof? God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH! ****************************************
This is kind of cute and I know you will know the answers right away.
TEST FOR OLD KIDS
This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the US in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed___________________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best....... _______________."
08. Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "________ ________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________. !
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 02. The Ed Sullivan Show 03. On Route 66 04. To protect the innocent. 05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight 06. The limbo 07. Chocolate 08. Louis Armstrong 09. The Timex watch 10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless." 11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. Sputnik 15. Hoola-hoop
Send this to your "old" friends. It will keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.
All things bright and beautiful, All creatures great and small The Lord God made them all. ************************** Subject: hopefully not on my flight...
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
dump blond and "710"
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here
Many years ago, while watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years......
He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.
After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium.
Without a note or written paper of any kind, he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak......
"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching.
I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials.
The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me......the only thing that would comfort was this verse......
"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, We are weak but he is strong..... Yes, Jesus loves me... The Bible tells me so."
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that its was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."
Senior version of Jesus Loves Me
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair, or no hair at all.
For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of "Jesus Loves Me". It is quite good, so read, sing and enjoy:"
JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair is white as snow. Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME..YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow, With my hand in His I'll go On through life, let come what may, He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)
Though I am no longer young, I have much which He's begun. Let me serve Christ with a smile, Go with others the extra mile.
(CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song. Telling me in words so clear, "Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done, And life's victories have been won. He will take me home above, Then I'll understand His love
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say, that I love Him every day.
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*******************
THE BUZZARD If you put a Buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a Buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.
THE BAT The ordinary Bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, can not take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
THE BUMBLE BEE A Bumble Bee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE In many ways, we are like the Buzzard, the Bat, and the Bumble Bee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up! *****************************
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there. One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?" "Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now baptized!".
"When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, .because they just sprinkle water on You."
The littlest one said, " Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do You think that means?"
" I think it means we're pi$$copailians. *****************************************
dont you just love us polish folks??
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day.
He rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? -
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I'm always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover"
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
The Irishman
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry. One evening he walks into the local pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." **********************************************
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: Company Policy: Effective from February 14, 2007
Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 2 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Tennessee Ten Commandments
Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments.
Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language.... no joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments ******************************************** (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa (3) No tellin' tales or gossipin' (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' (5) Put nothin' before God (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal (7) No killin' (8) Watch yer mouth (9) Don't take what ain't yers (10) Don't be hankeri n' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
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I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by Boeing to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field sites about a computer peripheral problem. Understandably, the engineers were rolling around the floor hysterically.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
best with speakers...i would have removed the 2 cuss words for something else, but we can't change things like this one! bettyg
I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a wash cloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . .
."Poupon."
When you stop laughing, pass it on. ***********************************
A nice laugh for the day!!!!
DEAR DIARY -- DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited. ______________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. ________________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. ______________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ... Won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. _________________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. _______________________________________
DEAR DIARY -- DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today ... Twice. ***********************************
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go! inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I de! cide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for ! it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
P.S. I just remembered.
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY! *****************************************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Two Horses
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.
From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by,
you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.
His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound,
you will see that it comes from the
smaller horse in the field.
Attached to her halter is a small bell.
It lets her blind friend know where she is,
so he can follow her.
As you stand and watch these two friends,
you;ll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owners of these two horses,
God does not throw us away just because
we are not perfect or because we have problems
or challenges. He watches over us and even brings
others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by
the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.
Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.
Good friends are like this ..........
You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle". Peace Be With You! ******************************
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