holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHO WE ARE. You are special Don't EVER forget it." Count your blessings, not your problems.
And remember: amateurs built the ark . Professionals: built the Titanic
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Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year.
I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below: How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically ap pealing), etc.
These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic * Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh * No more bending over to mop up spills * Disposable and biodegradable * Environmentally safe * Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
ps ... wished you could have seen the photo that came with this; ALL DRESSED UP!! *******************************
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" *****************************************
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." ****************************
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" ******************************** Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." *************************************************
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from h is chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?" ***************************
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" *********************************
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." *****************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." **************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful." **************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." **********************************
Husband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It won't take long. Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Husband: I can't sleep without it. Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times. Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Husband: You don't love me anymore. Wife: Yes, I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Husband: Please...come on Wife: All right, I'll do it. Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Wife: I can't find it. Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! Wife: There! Are you satisfied? Husband: Oh, yes. Wife: Is it up far enough? Husband: Oh yes, that's good. Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, get up and do it yourself. ******************************************************* MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.
We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is your dose of humor...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers.
Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you , so they know you participated.
And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!
The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... So:-
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = snickle b = doombah c = goober d = cheesey e = crusty f = greasy g = dumbo h = farcus I = dorky j = doofus k = funky l = boobie m = sleezy n = sloopy o = fluffy p = stinky q = slimy r = dorfus s = snooty t = tootsie u = dipsy v = sneezy w = liver x = skippy y = dinky z = zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin b = feather c = batty d = burger e = chicken f = barffy g = lizard h = waffle i = farkle j = monkey k = flippin l = fricken m = bubble n = rhino o = potty p = hamster q = buckle r = gizzard s = lickin t = snickle u = chuckle v = pickle w = lickin x = dingle y = gorilla z = girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt b = boob c = face d = nose e = hump f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = head l = tush m = chunks n = dunkin o = brains p = biscuits q = toes r = doodle s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = frack w = squirt x = humperdinck y = hiney z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.
And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day . *******************************************************************************************
************************************** Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" *********************************************
posted
can't believe i'm 11 days behind in adding goodies to this post! uffda
Three Things In Life!
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back
1. Time 2. Words 3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person
1. Anger 2. Pride 3. Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose
1. Hope 2. Peace 3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable
1. Love 2. Family 3. Kindness
Three things in life that are never certain
1. Fortune 2. Success 3. Dreams
Three things that make a person
1. Commitment 2. Sincerity 3. Hard work
Three things that are truly constant -
Father - Son - Holy Spirit
I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today, to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way. God's love is always with you, God's promises are true. And when you give God all your cares, you know God will see you through.
Please pass this along to People you want God to Bless. I just did! **************
CATHOLIC GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' **********************************
Thought this was too cute to pass up on sharing...it's worth the extra effort!!!
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends: B-1
The quality of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
I should keep my words soft and sweet in case I have to eat them.
One thing I can give and still keep: my word.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
Ideas won't work unless ' I' do.
My mind is like a parachute... it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not multiple choice.
It is never too late to become all God can make me.
Have a blessed day! ************************
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or more!
If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8 You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is ginally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list!
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
***************************
Music: "That's the Way Love Goes"
Charles Schultz Philosophy:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz *************************
Dear Lord,
Every single evening As I'm lying here in bed, This tiny little Prayer Keeps running through my head: God bless all my family Wherever they may be, Keep them warm and safe from harm For they're so close to me. And God, there is one more thing I wish that you could do; Hope you don't mind me asking, Please bless my computer too. Now I know that it's unusual To Bless a motherboard, But listen just a second While I explain it to you, Lord. You see, that little metal box Holds more than odds and ends; Inside those small compartments Rest so many of my friends. I know so much about them By the kindness that they give, And this little scrap of metal Takes me in to where they live. By faith is how I know them Much the same as you. We share in what life brings us And from that our friendships grew. Please take an extra minute From your duties up above, To bless those in my address book That's filled with so much love. Wherever else this prayer may reach To each and every friend, Bless each e-mail inbox And each person who hits "send". When you update your Heavenly list On your own Great CD-ROM, Bless everyone who says this prayer Sent up to GOD.com Amen
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One of the girls on Jewelry Television said in reference to chocolate diamonds..... "It's chocolate without the hail damage to the thighs!!"
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Hope your speakers are working, thought this was cute, especially the sunflower following the sun. I AIN'T GOT A BARREL OF MONEY, BUT . . . This is really neat! THIS MADE MY DAY AND I HOPE IT MAKES YOURS ALSO. TURN YOUR SOUND ON, CLICK HERE, AND ENJOY.
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone .
THESE ARE FOR YOU!!
RETURN TO SENDER Forward to all your friends, including me. And don't tell me you're too busy for this. Don't you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'? See how many bouquets you end up with!
Happiness keeps you Sweet, Trials keep you Strong, Sorrows keep you Human, Failures keep you Humble, Success keeps you Glowing, But Only God Keeps You Going!
THE TEQUILA TEST
If this doesn't make you laugh -- then you must really be having a bad day!!! This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it in to th e jar."OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Another good reason not to drink tequila!!!! *******************************************
I wish every one a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. *****************
Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles-
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.
If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in too much of a hurry and that you've probably forgotten your friends.
Take the time! Wishing you the very best for 2008 --------------------------------------
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ......... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, 'Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite.'
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. ***************************************
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your a$$, it always comes back to bite you. ----------------------------------------
I haven't checked "snopes.com" to see if this actually works or not .
But they say, If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
you should drink some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.
in case the graphic does NOT show up, it's a male senior "streaking"! lol Bettyg ************************
2008 Contract
After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2008!
It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............
May 2008 be the best year of your life!!! ***************************************
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janet thomas
Frequent Contributor (1K+ posts)
Member # 7122
posted
Subject: Outsourcing
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
-------------------- I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice but only my personal experience and opinion. Posts: 2001 | From NJ | Registered: Mar 2005
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
a serious one first though!
A very good lesson on trusting God.
Don't start reading this one until you've got more than 3 or 4 minutes to just 'scan' over it. It deserves some time for reflection.
GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED
I envy Kevin. My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night.
He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...'
I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.
He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.
He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.
I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life?
Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed.
The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.
He does not seem dissatisfied.
He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work.
He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores.
And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go!' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.
His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.
And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips. He doesn't know what it means to be discontent. His life is simple.
He will never know the entanglements of wealth or power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.
His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it.
He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax.
He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.
He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.
Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.
Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.
In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith.
It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions
It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care
Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.
And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed. Kevin won't be surprised at all!
When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. This is powerful.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards.
FRIENDS ARE ANGELS; WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY ******************************
Ailment....
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls And sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" lol +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MY LIVING WILL ! Last night my sister and I were sitting in the kitchen and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a drag! ***********************
couple more SERIOUS one but meaningful!
for those of you growing in late 50s - 60s, there was a wonderful song about TOMMY & LAURA WERE LOVED, she died in a car accident ; this story reminded me of this old song I used to sing!
Angel Knocking at the Door... Copyright � Hideaway Fun Pages ********************
You may have seen this before but it can't hurt to send it again. It has a great message and I can use all the help I can get.
..........WHAT A GREAT THOUGHT!!!!
God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.
Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.
Father, God bless my friend in whatever it is that You know they may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity, and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life. ***********************************
Do you feel like working today?
Tomorrow? The day after? Next week? Next Month? Me neither! I just want to party!
You... ....have a GREAT Day!!!
Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably . And never regret anything that made you smile! **********************************************
Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.
Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.
And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.
As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio.
I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? {Ok, which of my friends told them about MY habits? Betty ha
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?
But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.
I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.
I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER! *************************
Happy New Year
Only Jacquie Lawson can say it so eloquently......
I checked my Bible and it refers to ``the cloth that had been upon his head'' and that it was ``not lying with the bandages but separately rolled up in one place''.
I am not familiar with this Jewish tradition, but I'm not saying it isn't true either....a great blessed story! WHY DID JESUS FOLD THE NAPKIN?
I'm always learning....This I had not heard before and I hope it Blesses you as much as it has Blessed me!
Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His Resurrection?
The Gospel of John (20: 7 NIV) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.
Is that important? You'd better believe it! Is that Significant ?
Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes!
In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.
The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition.
When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master had finished eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm done".
But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because the servant knew that the folded napkin meant, "I'm not finished yet."
The folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"
May this truly bless you and give you peace...............
Life is Short, Live for God /////////////////////////////
One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom,
the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.
No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more 'just one minute.'
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say 'I LOVE YOU'
So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it'sbroken and heal it when it's sick.
This is true for marriage ... And old cars .. And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents.
We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with.
There are just some things that make us happy,no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'!
Then I sent it to the People I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to all those people Who are 'keepers' in your life.
Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?
I was thinking...I could die today,tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.
Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do.
And just in case GOD calls me home I LOVE YA!!!
Live today to the fullest, because tomorrow is not promised. ***********************
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bettyg
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JOHNNY'S CHURCH
Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their three kittens. He had the kittens sitting in a row, and he was preaching to them.
She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open the window to see Johnny baptizing the kittens in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! Those kittens are afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said, "They should have thought about that before they joined my church."
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bettyg
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the back yard, barking for hours and hours.The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!" and goes downstairs.
When the blonde finally comes back up to bed, her husband says, "The dog is still barking! What have you been doing?"The blonde says, "I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how THEY like it!"
*******************
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn. :-) lol
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Thanks!! Be sure to turn on your speakers everybody!
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
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posted
THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the woman the finger.
" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98 And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so. **********************
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this .....
'You got Male!' and had a cute photo of a baby winking at us !!!
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bettyg
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Hair Removal.... (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.....
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax,yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GAWD!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake remembering my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!! MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT! SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace .. the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color! lol
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bettyg
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A friend sent an early "Valentine" to see if it will make it around the world by Feb. 14th.
For God so loV ed the world, That He gA ve his onL y BegottE n SoN T hat whosoever Believeth I n Him Should N ot perish, But have E verlasting life."
John 3:16 Send it around the World -------------------------------
I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail.
Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read.
After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you.
Here goes:
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy...Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
GUARDIAN ANGEL
Forward this message the same day you received it . It may sound ridiculous, but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen.
Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them.
Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends. Tomorrow at 8:57 somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear.
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bettyg
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Angels Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. -Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it . -Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. -Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. -Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Lynn , 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. -Sarah, 7
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Ladies, this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and
school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure every woman does, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going back to that doctor. Ever. lol **********************
Quick Change magician, courtesy of youtube- Mostly regarding ladies, how sweet this would be
Betty note: I watched this couple perform every week on this show until Cowen got really nasty to woman changing dresses! they were remarkable!
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This Doesn't rhyme and I don't care. *************************************
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bettyg
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a serious one to start off with, but belly laugh after this one! betty
please go to snopes link at bottom and read rest of story after reading below! inspirational! Bettyg, Iowa
A lesson that should be taught in all schools!
Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock , did something not to be forgotten.
On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom.
When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks.
Looking around, confused, they asked, "Ms. Cothren, where're our desks?"
She replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me what you have done to earn the right to sit at a desk."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
Maybe it's our behavior." She told them, "No, it's not even your behavior.
And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.
By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.
The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom.
Martha Cothren said, "Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you."
At this point, Martha Cothre n went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.
Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall.
By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.
Martha said, "You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it."
By the way, this is a true story... . If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you read it in English, thank a soldier.
the other one was powerpoint, so can't post was wonderful!
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bettyg
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Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
************** A SERIOUS ONE .... good for thought!
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY ************************* 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone, everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
"May the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you"
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bettyg
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Beauty of Math!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9 12 x 8 + 2 = 98 123 x 8 + 3 = 987 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11 12 x 9 + 3 = 111 123 x 9 + 4 = 1111 1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111 12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111 123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111 1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111 12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111 123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88 98 x 9 + 6 = 888 987 x 9 + 5 = 8888 9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888 98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888 987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888 9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888 98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1 11 x 11 = 121 111 x 111 = 12321 1111 x 1111 = 1234321 11111 x 11111 = 123454321 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321 1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321 11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321 111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
Now, take a look at this...
101%
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.
How about ACHIEVING 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
It's up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just the way I did.
Have a nice day & God bless !! ***************************************
OLD PEOPLE PROBLEMS
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!
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bettyg
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posted
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.
She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God: This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God: I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.
She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there.
She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO **************************
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bettyg
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posted
unfortunately, you can't see all the wild graphics of pleasingly plumb women above many of these statements!
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds
I can almost feel myself losing weight . . . by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women.
Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means your Body By Jake includes Legs By Rand McNally, more red & blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .
Mid-life means that you become more reflective; You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.
Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! -------------------------------------------- smooches!! *******************************
HERE'S A RIDDLE TO MAKE YOU SMILE.
Pantyhose quiz
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it... Ready?
graphics again were outstanding!!
Answer:
10 little piggies
2 calves ,
1 *** , donkey shown!
and an unknown number of hares. rabbits! ******************************
Sean Kingston- one nice kid
Well isn't it about time. (?)
This media video starts with Larry London from Voice of America (home page: http://www.voanews.com/english/portal.cfm) beginning the introduction of Sean Kingston. These words from Larry, "and by design, free of any profanity", are what signals the decency of this kid. How refreshing! ****************************
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you Know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!' **************************************
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bettyg
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posted
Which is Worse??
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo. 3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring! *************
DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE
I met this gal while I was in London and she has a motto she lives by everyday. She said listen carefully and
live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'no', but she then told me to listen while she explained her four rules. So here they are :
1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.
2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.
3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.
4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night
thank God you live in United Kingdom or the United States and have freedom.
I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be . but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be! ///////////////////
Abide With Me- another awesome version- I love this Hymn
Unique specimens: Photographs trace the history of Rocky Mountain Laboratories
Story:
HAMILTON - Stashed away back in a corner of one of the nondescript buildings on Hamilton's sprawling Rocky Mountain Laboratories campus, there is a stack of oversized books.
Their well-worn covers hide historic treasure.
For more of this story, click on or type the URL below:
God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.
THANKS FOR BEING IN MY LIFE
***************************
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . having friends. At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . having money. At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . having friends. At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
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bettyg
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posted
This one is REALLY good.
My Friend.....
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
What food might this contain?' the mouse wondered - - - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning :
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, 'Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.'
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'
The pig sympathized, but said, 'I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.'
The mouse turned to the cow and said,
'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'
The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose.'
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone.
That very night a sound was heard Through out the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember ---- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER. . . . .
EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. ******************************************
One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a FRIEND.
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
This is an amazing video! Very much worth watching..........Janet aja TNJANET
this takes 20 seconds. very interesting and enlightening!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
posted
A college class was told to write a SHORT story in as few of words as possible! They were given these instructions:
The short story had to contact the following 3 things:
1. Religion 2. Sexuality 3. Mystery
Below is the A+ story written for the entire class!
"Good God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it!"
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Sorry... I couldn't stop myself. Have a Wonderful Easter... ********************************
graphic was a giraff's face looking in on you on screen!
I was feeling a little nosey, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer...Yup, there you are ***************************************
This is SO funny.........hope you can watch it.............
Man's Best Friend A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
**********************
WOMEN DRIVERS
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My cell phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs,
Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.
posted
CORRECTIVENESSISM from dear friend, ICESKATER!
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Alabamans, Georgians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, South Carolinians, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION ."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He seeks or "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is experiencing "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL @SS" - He has developed a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us. ***********************
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bettyg
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posted
this one is SERIOUS; my humorous one would NOT copy here...
this is the way I received it in ALL CAPS, and I'm not taking the time to convert case to lower case. bg
DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND
"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!"
THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH. THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE! AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE:
'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE'
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, 'YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'
THE FRIEND REPLIED 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT'
LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.
THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.
IF YOU DON'T SEND IT TO ANYONE, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN A HURRY AND THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR FRIENDS.
TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE!
DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!
AND IF I HAPPEN TO GET IT BACK, THEN I KNOW MY PLACE IN YOUR LIFE
'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle'.
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bettyg
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posted
this one had the cutest baby photos on it to go with each saying here!
A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends.... B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' I ' do.
My mind is like a parachute; it functions only when open!
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
********************************************** The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!
It is never too late to become what I might have been!
To my chronic lyme disease friends, these last 2 statements are OUR slogan; don't give up! Bettyg, Iowa lyme activist..... ******************************************
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
You may be surprised to see it return. Send this heart to everybody you like.
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bettyg
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Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playgroundand I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt! *********************************
Doctor's Office.........
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose! **********************************
Don't know about the numbers of the statistics, but this is really funny!!
FACTS TO PONDER:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. ***********************
now visualize this; seeing 2 stalls with their pants dropped to the floor...
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine."
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm just traveling."
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No...I'm a little busy right now."
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."
Cell phones -- Don't you just love 'em?!?!? *****************************************
CONSPIRACY!
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me!
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on--but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were. ********************
It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat, five year old Billy stayed home from Church with a sitter. When his family returned home they were carrying several Palm Branches. Billy asked what they were for? His parents replied "People held them over Jesus' head as He walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," Billy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go to Church, HE showed up!"
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One Easter Sunday as the Minister was preaching the Children's Sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" I know a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"
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Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was going down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step ROAR step, ROAR, step,, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
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One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you canʼt make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "It's Adam's suit."
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife. ***********************
these were the cutest baby photos you've ever seen with these comical remarks!
A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends.... B1.
The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' I ' do.
My mind is like a parachute; it functions only when open!
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
******************************************* The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been!
To my chronic lyme disease friends, these last 2 statements are OUR slogan; don't give up! Bettyg, Iowa lyme activist..... ******************************
get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
You may be surprised to see it return. Send this heart to everybody you like. ****************
CORRECTIVENESSISM Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Alabamans, Georgians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, South Carolinians, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION ."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He seeks or "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is experiencing "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL @SS" - He has developed a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us. *************************
He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him... Like his mother used to do. ***********************************************************
Penny Riddle
Try to answer each riddle before you look at the answer.
Do you smell anything here? ---> It's a scent
Do you see any fruit here? ---> It' a Pear
do you see any snakes here? It's three copperheads
Do you see any cars here? it's four Lincolns
Do you see any sex here? Heck no!... What do you expect for five cents? ********************************
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did".
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
Concentrate on this sentence. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
Something good will happen to you today. Something that you have been waiting to hear.
This is not a joke; someone will call you by phone or will speak to you about something that you were waiting to hear. *************
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bettyg
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Clean One Liners ---------------------
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns. Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says: "Man it's hot in here!!!!" The other muffin exclaims, "Look a talking muffin!!!!" *********************
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bettyg
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WORRY
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions?
Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do You stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, 'Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them.' My dad just smiled Faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be Adults.' My dad just smiled faintly And said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There Was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my dad's warm smile and his Occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.
PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS (And also to your children. That's the fun part) *******************************
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posted
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
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posted
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice ... loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle ***********************************
A SERIOUS ONE!
A friend sent this to me and I felt it was well worth sharing....how often I have seen a person on the street and wondered what had drove them to such a state, never thinking that maybe they are there because that is where God wants them.
How many times have I missed a blessing by turning away. God forgive me. Remember to pray for those in need (whether you know their need or not is not important)...
TO MEET SUCH A MAN ******************
I sat, with two friends, in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just off the corner of the town-square. The food and the company were both especially good that day.
As we talked, my attention was drawn outside, across the street. There, walking into town, was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back. He was carrying, a well-worn sign that read, "I will work for food." My heart sank.
I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others around us had stopped eating to focus on him. Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief.
We continued with our meal, but his image lingered in my mind. We finished our meal and went our separate ways. I had errands to do and quickly set out to accomplish them. I glanced toward the town square, looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor.
I was fearful, knowing that seeing him again would call some response. I drove through town and saw nothing of him. I made some purchases at a store and got back in my car.
Deep within me, the Spirit of God kept speaking to me: "Don't go back to the office until you've at least driven once more around the square."
Then with some hesitancy, I headed back into town. As I turned the square's third corner, I saw him. He was standing on the steps of the store front church, going through his sack.
I stopped and looked; feeling both compelled to speak to him, yet wanting to drive on. The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God: an invitation to park. I pulled in, got out and approached the town's newest visitor.
"Looking for the pastor? " I asked.
"Not really," he replied, "just resting." "Have you eaten today?" "Oh, I ate something early this morning." "Would you like to have lunch with me?" "Do you have some work I could do for you?"
"No work," I replied. "I commute here to work from the city, but I would like to take you to lunch." "Sure," he replied with a smile.
As he began to gather his things, I asked some surface questions. Where you headed?" " St. Louis "
"Where you from?" "Oh, all over; mostly Florida" "How long you been walking?" "Fourteen years," came the reply.
I knew I had met someone unusual. We sat across from each other in the same restaurant ant I had left earlier. His face was weathered slightly beyond his 38 years. His eyes were dark yet clear, and he spoke with an eloquence and articulation that was startling.
He removed his jacket to reveal a bright red T-shirt that said, "Jesus is The Never Ending Story."
Then Daniel's story began to unfold. He had seen rough times early in life. He'd made some wrong choices and reaped the consequences. Fourteen years earlier, while backpacking across the country, he had stopped on the beach in Daytona. He tried to hire on with some men who were putting up a large tent and some equipment. A concert, he thought.
He was hired, but the tent would not house a concert but revival services, and in those services he saw life more clearly. He gave his life over to God
"Nothing's been the same since," he said, "I felt the Lord telling me to keep walking, and so I did, some 14 years now." "Ever think of stopping?" I asked.
"Oh, once in a while, when it seems to get the best of me But God has given me this calling. I give out Bibles. That's what's in my sack. I work to buy food and Bibles, and I give them out when His Spirit leads."
I sat amazed. My homeless friend was not homeless. He was on a mission and lived this way by choice. The question burned inside for a moment and then I asked: "What's it like?"
"What?" "To walk into a town carrying all your things on your back and to show your sign?"
"Oh, it was humiliating at first. People would stare and make comments. Once someone tossed a piece of half-eaten bread and made a gesture that certainly didn't make me feel welcome.
But then it became humbling to realize that God was using me to touch lives and change people's concepts of other folks like me."
My concept was changing, too. We finished our dessert and gathered his things. Just outside the door, he paused.
He turned to me and said, "Come Ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I've prepared for you. For when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me drink, a stranger and you took me in."
I felt as if we were on holy ground. "Could you use another Bible?" I asked.
He said he preferred a certain translation. It traveled well and was not too heavy. It was also his personal favorite. "I've read through it 14 times," he said.
"I'm not sure we've got one of those, but let's stop by our church and see" I was able to find my new friend a Bible that would do well, and he seemed very grateful.
"Where are you headed from here?" I asked. "Well, I found this little map on the back of this amusement park coupon." "Are you hoping to hire on there for awhile?"
"No, I just figure I should d go there. I figure someone under that star right there needs a Bible, so that's where I'm going next."
He smiled, and the warmth of his spirit radiated the sincerity of his mission. I drove him back to the town-square where we'd met two hours earlier, and as we drove, it started raining. We parked and unloaded his things.
"Would you sign my autograph book?" he asked. "I like to keep messages from folks I meet."
I wrote in his little book that his commitment to his calling had touched my life. I encouraged him to stay strong. And I left him with a verse of scripture from Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; Plans to give you a future and a hope."
"Thanks, man," he said. "I know we just met and we're really just strangers, but I love you."
"I know," I said, "I love you, too." "The Lord is good!" "Yes, He is. How long has it been since someone hugged you?" I asked. "A long time," he replied
And so on the busy street corner in the drizzling rain, my new friend and I embraced, and I felt deep inside that I had been changed. He put his things on his back, smiled his winning smile and said, "See you in the New Jerusalem." "I'll be there!" was my reply.
He began his journey again. He headed away with his sign dangling from his bedroll and pack of Bibles. He stopped, turned and said, "When you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?"
"You bet," I shouted back, "God bless." "God bless." And that was the last I saw of him. Late that evening as I left my office, the wind blew strong. The cold front had settled hard upon the town.
I bundled up and hurried to my car. As I sat back and reached for the emergency brake, I saw them... a pair of well-worn brown work gloves neatly laid over the length of the handle. I picked them up and thought of my friend and wondered if his hands would stay warm that night without them.
Then I remembered his words: "If you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?"
Today his gloves lie on my desk in my office. They help me to see the world and its people in a new way, and they help me remember those two hours with my unique friend and to pray for his ministry. "See you in the New Jerusalem," he said. Yes, Daniel, I know I will...
If this story touched you, forward it to a friend!
"I shall pass this way but once. Therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness that I can show, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again."
This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached. Please do not break this pattern. Prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another. God bless and have a nice day!
"Father, I ask you to bless my friends, relatives and e-mail buddies reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of your love and power.
Holy Spirit, I ask you to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through your grace, In Jesus' precious Name Amen."
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bettyg
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I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few second s my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day !! ****************************************
IF MY NOSE WAS RUNNING MONEY BY ALVIN ..... 4.5 MINUTES LONG! hilarious!!
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.' His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' *************************
email virus
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1975.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
It's called the "C-NILE" VIRUS! **********************************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
INVESTMENT SAVINGS
Here's a little retirement info for you:
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1, 000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg. hmmmmm **************************
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bettyg
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posted
16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day
First you had trouble getting out of bed?
You had a stiff neck
You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it
You felt like you had a hangover and you weren't even drinking last night?
Your new diet really doesn't seem to be working out?
You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise?
Your new hat looked better on you at the store
You keep losing things
You feel like you're always in the wrong place at the wrong time
the boss chewed you out at work
You got caught in the rain at lunchtime
enjoy
Then the lunch you had didn't see m to agree with you
You feel trapped
Uninvited guests showed up at dinner time
On top of that you think you're coming down with the flu
And finally, you're alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the basement
Have a Purrfect Day! **********************
To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes, chain letters, angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send: money, beer, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead? Thank you !! **************************************
GREAT ADVICE!
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.!
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout; run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
I AM THANKFUL FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME! ***************************************
To A Beautiful Woman: Be sure to read about Audrey Hepburn at the end�
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, ! And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and doesn't l ie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
It's BEAUTIFUL WOMAN MONTH & TAG YOU'RE IT!
Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her 'beauty tips.'
It was read at her funeral years later. **************************************
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
If you share this with another woman, something good will happen . . you will boost another woman's self esteem, and she will know that you care about her. **************
You may have seen this before but it's a great story.
fyi, It was 7 years ago I got this for the 1st time, and took it reading to Dad in the nursing home! He LOVED all sports and especially baseball, so this was right up his alley! He loved how I put emphasis on reading this story to him, and kept saying "go, go" to SHAY! I hope you enjoy this as much as my late Dad and I did! Bettyg, Iowa
"SHAY'S DAY"
What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway.
My question is: Would you have made the same choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped, comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be pn our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.
His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all teammates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'.
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming,
'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.
'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats its least fortunate amongst them.
You now have two choices: 1. Delete 2. Forward May your day, be a 'Shay' Day.
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
POOR SKIPPY!
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Easter dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
' Skippy, get away from her, before she POOPS on you!' Send this to someone who needs a laugh.
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bettyg
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posted
Subject: 50s; old-time religion songs; your laugh today!
Those not over 50 can just wait til you understand it.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress." *******************************************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want
with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.' (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************
Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!' (HE ASKED FOR IT!) *****************************************
Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) *****************************************
Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' (RIGHT ON, LADY!) *****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't woke him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ***************************************** God may have created man before woman but,
there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
*****************************************
Send this to smart women who need a laugh and to men you think can handle it
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bettyg
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posted
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F.Tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt On Monday?"
"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a Religious T-shirt I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted. *****************************
Investment tips for 2008
For any of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4.) ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang **************************
Don't Burst My Balloon
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you can't get them back.
So I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you. ******************************
HERE'S TO THE GIRLS!!!
What's so poignant about this picture? Well, it shows a line of little girls holding hands facing the immensity of ocean waves.
Alone they might be washed away, but together they stand strong.
Thank you each for holding my hand somewhere along the way when I was facing a wave of my own. I hope you will reach for my hand when your own wave threatens.
All of us girls.. Old and young... Near and far... Hold special memories of good times we've shared. We've had our share of hard times when our friends were there to make us feel better. We've shared... Our hearts Our time Our secrets Our fears Our hopes And our dreams.
Let us never break the chain of friends!
Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their husband will fix more things around the house. So let it go, Be Happy! And love yourself and your circumstances. Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have trouble in her heart. And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children. And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely. And the word says if 'I have not Love, I have nothing.'
So, again, love you. Love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say 'I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!' I like that!
'Winners make things happen. Losers let things happen'
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
'To the world you might be one person, But to one person you just might be the world'.
HERE'S TO YOU, MY FRIENDS! *********************************
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second gues s every decision I have made where you are concerned.
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a ittle longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day ............ *****************
Good for a smile or two ! Sunday school
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the road side, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
HIGHER POWER: A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" one child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES & THE RED SEA : Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line..
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER? The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant to of his messages,
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.""How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, " Gary , whatever made you do such a thing ?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And He just then did!"
TIME TO PRAY: A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir,"the boy replied."And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
BEWARE OF TRASH: One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend,and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls.
"As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER: Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away."Johnny wait until we say our prayer.""I don't have to,"
The boy replied."Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating,at our house."
That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." ***********************
Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you In my life. I pray you all have a blessed day.
It was difficult for me To decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to Pray, but not everyone does.
May everyone who Received this message be blessed.
REMEMBER to Pray.
That's all you Have to do. There is nothing attached.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost just A lot of reward.
Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will Answer.
May today be all you need it to be.
May the peace of God and the Freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your Dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears.
May God manifest himself Today in ways you have never experienced.
May your joys be fulfilled, Your dreams be closer and your prayers be answered.
I pray that faith Enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged.
I Pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and Undying love.
****************
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
This is Forever Friendship.
This is the sacred RED ROSE. ***********************************
Surprisingly, I picked my three favorite fruits and I think I'm a little bit of all three.
Here's some meaningless fun.
Pick a fruit and forward it on. Don't spoil it...just do it.
Which fruit will you pick if you were handed these? The results will astound you!
1. Orange 2. Apple 3. Banana 4. Coconut 5. Pineapple 6. Papaya 7. Mango 8. Cherry 9. Black Grapes 10. Peach 11. Custard Apple 12. Pear
Which did you pick??? (Pick one before you scroll down...do not CHEAT!!!) Remember, you'll be surprised by the results!
ORANGE - If orange is your favorite fruit, it speaks of a person who has enduring patience and willpower. You like to do things slowly, but very thoroughly and are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy, but are reliable and trustworthy frien d. You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care and you love with all your heart, and not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs.
APPLE - If apple is your favorite fruit, you are an extravagant, impulsive and outspoken person, often with a bit of a temper. While you may not be the best organizer yourself, you make a good team leader and are good at taking things forward. You can take quick action in most situations. You enjoy travel immensely. You ooze with charm when you are with your partner. You have an enthusiasm for life, unmatched by most.
BANANA - You are a softy! Loving, gentle, warm and sympathetic by nature is the banana lover. You often lack in self-confidence and are quite timid by nature. People often take advantage of your sweet temper, and sheer vulnerability to a situation. You adore your partner in every which way, both for their mental and physical beauty! Because of the way you are, your relationship is always very much in harmony!
COCONUT - The coconut lover is a serious, very thoughtful and contemplative person. Though you enjoy socializing, you are particular about the company you keep. You tend to be stubborn but not necessarily foolhardy. Shrewd, quick-witted and alert, you ensure that you are right on top of any given scenario, especially at work. You need a partner with brains, and while passion is important it certainly isn't everything for you.
PINEAPPLE - You are quick to decide and even quicker to act. You are brave in asking career changes, if that is what is to your advantage! . You have exceptional organizing abilities and are undaunted by the size of the task at hand. You tend to be self reliant, sincere and honest in your dealings with others. Though you are not given to making friends very quickly, but once you do, it is for life. Your partner is often impressed with your sterling qualities but disappointed in your ability to show affection.
PAPAYA - You are truly fearless and take much that happens in life in your stride. You give considerable thought to things you do. You have a sense of humor that, along with your generous nature, keeps you in most people's good books. You are a go-getter in your professional life, and have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. You enjoy meeting new people and seeing new sights whenever you can. Your sense of humor is what attracts members of the opposite sex to you more than anything else. It is simply charming!
MANGO - A mango lover is a personality to reckoned with; quite often, you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, and influencing you is not an easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes and dislikes, and at times even like to control a situation.. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge.. Strong as you may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, and make up for all the strong will elsewhere!
CHERRY - If cherry is your favorite fruit, life isn't always as sweet for you. You often face ups and downs, particularly professionally, and find that you make small sums of $$$, instead of a lump sum. You have a fertile imagination and are often involved in creative pursuits. You are a very sincere and loyal partner, but find that expressing your feelings is not very easy. Your home is your haven, and you love nothing more than being surrounded by close family and your beloved partner.
BLACK GRAPES - You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cool down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life; you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal and zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!
PEACH - Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life and all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, and are quite frank and outspoken, which adds to your charm. You are quick to forgive and forget; and value your friendships highly. You have an independent and ambitious streak in you that make you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery and passionate but sincere and faithful in love. You don't, however, like to display all that passion in public.
CUSTARD APPLE - You are a modest and conservative person who can be quite sensitive at times. You tend to be thoughtful and contemplative, and therefore are rarely rash in doing things. You are quite ambitious and are good at anything that requires much detailing or working with numbers. You are quick at finding fault with others. While looking for a partner, you value a person's intellect far above their looks or good old passion. You are quite shy and not very comfortable demonstrating affection.
PEAR - If you put your mind to something you can do it successfully, but by and large you tend to be fickle and have trouble completing a task with the enthusiasm you started it with. You need to know the results of your efforts almost immediately.
You enjoy mental stimulation and love to get into a good discussion! You tend to be a restless and high-strung person, and are easily excited.. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect! It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!
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Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum ...
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore---under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly---wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless.It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:'Gosh, I remember these.' ************************************
Be Carefull what you wish/pray for
OH MAN I'M TIRED!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and m op the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night.' ************************************
MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!
I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, ?Will Power helps me get out of bed
Then I go to see John .
Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn 't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed With Ben Gay.
What a life! ??Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer
and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...
so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and Count your blessings!!!!!!! ***********************************
A case when arrogance is equal to stupidity!!
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull.
The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart *** .... Show him your card!! *************************************
MY DAD IS A FATHER
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, ' I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, 'My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.'
'The priest, getting impatient, said, I'm the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. ******************
fishing or sex ?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him.
'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.' *********************
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing Only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in The wind for everyone to see!', he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with Nothing on below the waist?'' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, And I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea! ***************************************
LIFE IN 1500s ----------------------
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.. -------------------------------------------------------------
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs. ----------------------------------------------------
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.---------------------------------------
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. ------------------------------------------------------------
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold *****************************************
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.. -------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.. -----------------------------------------------------------------
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake. **********************************
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a .dead ringer.. ******************************************************
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring! Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.
*******************
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks him for his order.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That 'll be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke. 'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' *******************************************
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in They stand up to injustice . They don ' t take 'no' for an answer when they believe there is a better solution
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH. Please pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are. I just did ************
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subject: THIS IS FOR SENIORS About PCs Too
subject: THIS IS FOR SENIORS About PCs Too And, if you are not a Senior, you'd wish that you were one.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?'
Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
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