posted
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes" ~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~
The Back Pew
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen". *****************************************
The below had great baby photos to go with each of these sayings; precious!
How To Get Through Life ***********************
Sleep as much as you can ....
Read books that you enjoy...
Play with simple things...
Do whatever you want -- whenever you want...
Look for affection when you need it...
Get serious once in a while...
Forget about diets...
Show some affection...
"Get angry once in a while..."
Change your looks...
Above all, be happy, regardless of what your challenges may be...
Have a great life! May your troubles be less.
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bettyg
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With age comes wisdom
COOP is 71 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
_____________________________________
THE HONEYMOON
Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well,"said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home, "PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful. WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook ..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother. ***************************************
For All Who Think They Know Everything........
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- In the 1400's, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now gets this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ----------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 ------------------------------------------ The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 -------------------------------------------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. --------------------------------------------- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ---------------------------------------------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great leader from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs - Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------------------------------------- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ----------------------------------------------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ------------------------------------------ Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ----------------------------------------------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace -------------------------------------------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ---------------------------------------------- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand --------------------------------------------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. ------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey --------------------------------------------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ---------------------------------------------- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." -------------------------------------------- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ----------------------------------------------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ---------------------------------------------- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ---------------------------------------------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! --------------------------------------------- Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr th e ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? -----------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 When...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. ***************************************** NUMBER 6
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie; popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. " I meant my Dress Size, you dumb *** !!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH..... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.....
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bettyg
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God and Harley Davidson
Arthur Davidson the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world...your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well", said Arthur, "a professional to a professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there", replied God. "Hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers more men are riding my invention than yours. ******************************
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: ********************
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
*****************
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START ********************************
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets ."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
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bettyg
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What to say when next you are speaking to "Dennis" in India...
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of your business." operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open." ***** Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" ***** Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?" ***** Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) "If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ***** Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ***** Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland." ***** On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ***** Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ***** Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ***** Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
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bettyg
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him. 'You try again !'
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bettyg
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A Wild Friday Night at My House"...
How True it is
Another year has passed and we all are a little older Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts, to put down on my pad, But lots of things that come to mind just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand about "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends' homes, football games and lunches. Now we go to therapy, hospitals, and after-funeral brunches.
We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel to places near and far. Now we get backaches from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping for new clothing at the Mall But, now we never bother ... all the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told. So, enjoy each day and live it up ... before you're too darned old!!
Where the heck did the years go -
Live everyday with enjoyment - we don't know what tomorrow will give us.
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bettyg
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If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this !) A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. **************
The Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate Funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the Casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the Casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the Doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into Laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm Sorry, I was just thinking of my own Funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted. *************************************
CHEWING GUM and flying!
During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed........
"Damn!........ And all these years I've been chewing gum." *****************************
the below was typed in shape of a bell!
The Bell I KNOW WHO I AM I am God's child ( John 1:12) I am Christ's friend (John 15:15) I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17) I am bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20) I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1) I am a personal witness of Christ (Acts 1:8) I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt. 5:13-14) I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27) I am free forever from condemnation ( Rom.8: 1-2) I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil.3:20) I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31-34) I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor.5:17-21) I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph 2:18) I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6) I cannot be separated from the love of God ( Rom.8:35-39) I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor. 1:21-22) I am assured all things work together for good ( Rom. 8: 28) I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit ( John 15:16) I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph. 3: 12) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13) I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5) I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3: 16). I am complete in Christ (Col. 2: 10) I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3). I have been justified (Romans 5:1) I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10) I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected (Phil. 1: 5) I have been redeemed and forgiven (Col. 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5) I belong to God !
Keep this bell ringing!! Working for God on earth does not pay much, but....His Retirement plan is out of this world!! ****************************
A neat story...
I hope you take the time to read it. ***********************************
The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like that she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before.
"Leave me alone," he growled.
To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows.
"Are you hungry?" she asked.
"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the president. Now go away." The woman's smile became even broader. Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. "What are you doing, lady?"the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone."
Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked.
"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"
The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"
"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile."
"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything."
"This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow it."
Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived. The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by he table.
"What's going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this. Is this man in trouble?"
"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered.
"Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business."
Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place."
The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?"
"Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms."
"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?"
"What business is that of yours?"
"I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company." "Oh."
The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference." She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"
"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty."
"Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?"
"Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."
The cafeteria manager turned on his heel. "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer."
The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place," he said.
"That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."
She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently. "Jack, do you remember me?"
Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar."
"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."
"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly. He couldn't believe that such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.
"I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."
Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy."
"I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into trouble. Then, when I looked over, I saw you put the price of my food in the cash register. I knew then that everything would be all right."
"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.
"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business, that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons. He's the personnel director of my company.
I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office." She smiled. "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet. If you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you. There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you? " he said.
"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus. He led me to you."
Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways. "Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.
"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And...And thank you for the coffee."
Have a Wonderful Day And May God Bless You Always
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when you read this, read this with YOUR illnesses in mind ok!!
OLD AGE IS LIKE A BANK ACCOUNT!
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coiffed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less.
This really got to me; hope it did you! Bettyg *******************
a death notice
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey " died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. *******************
THE DRUNK AND THE MOTORCYCLIST!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, She is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says........
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk." ***************************************
lot of us take advantage of frequent flier miles, and sometimes, frequent flier miles can even mean a free trip!
Yet, can you imagine spending over $3,000 on pudding all in an effort to get free travel miles? One person did; here's his story. Thanks, and enjoy! -- Alex :-)
Frequent Flier Miles in the Millions ...
According to the San Francisco Examiner, Mike Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles.
Oh, yeah - he's also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.
Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every 10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to the company by December 31.
Even better: Any bar codes mailed by the end of the month would rack up double the mileage or 1,000 miles for every 10 labels.
"I started doing the math, and I realized that this was a great deal," he said. "I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way."
Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode.
"They had individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents apiece," he said. "And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans."
Phillips cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlets in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno. "There were 10 stores in all," he said. "Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway."
He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked additional cases in his living room. But Phillips wasn't finished yet-he had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases. "A few days later I went out behind the store," he said, "and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them."
All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding. Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers of the Webflyer Web site, where he posted an account under the name "Pudding Guy."
Phillips' tale was met with skepticism, if not outright disbelief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. They're still there, at http://www.flyertalk.com/pudding.htm
But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands: The deadline for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time.
"I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he said.
Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation.
"We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. "We've gotten some big donations, but always from companies and institutions, not individual people."
Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then held his breath. The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good chance they'd get me on some technicality."
But then packages - large packages - started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles. That's 1,253,000 miles.
Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in any airline account. He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted the rest--1,037,000 miles--to his American Airlines account.
By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority boarding, upgrades, and bonus miles.
While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math--as you might have noticed by now, he's very, very good at math--and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S.
"Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less than $100 a ticket."
"Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to charity, I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a ticket to Europe down to $75."
As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about finished them. "Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff."
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A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls." lol
A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.
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Baby Airplanes
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did.
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you." **********************
Sick leave I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my blonde co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "...and where do you think you're going?!" "I'm going home too ."
the Boss asked, "Why?" (You're gonna love this....) The blonde replied, "Because I can't work in the dark!" ******************************
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered, and it shows a BP sign and the bee peeing into a pail!
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this one is serious; at the end is the current journal update for GARY GEDEN NORBUT, please be sure to read about our dear lymenet friend going thru esophagus cancer surgery in near future! *******************************************
And while we're on the subject of SENIORS...
Some of the artists of the 60's & 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker . Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. Abba--- Denture Queen. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. And my favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again! lol
****************************************** THIS is Dr Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out! Read on, this is very interesting!
Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.
The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. & Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today . It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so...grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.
Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
Ready?? Begin...
1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon and early evening c) late at night
2. You usually walk. .. a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with l ittle steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly
3. When talking to people you.. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, ! touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with.. a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smil e
6. When you go to a party or soc ial gathering you.. a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for som eone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted....... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray < BR> 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few m oments before going to sleep you are.. a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant
OVER 60 POINTS : Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natur al leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as b old an d adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement! you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make a nd who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot t o shak e your trust In your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would! really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know y ou wel l know that you aren't.
Now forward this to others, and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail, like this: "Dr.Phil's Test, I'm a 47" ********************************************
Dear Betty,
A new journal entry for Gary Norbut's CaringBridge site was posted at 06:05 AM on 09/10/2007. Read the latest update now by using this link: www.caringbridge.org/visit/garynorbut
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Here are some tips for investing those big bucks this year. I went over them with my broker at Edward Jones and he and I like these. Pony up on the bucks and get ready to drag some real dollars into your back pocket.
These are the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor. Watch for these consolidations in 2007-2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally ....
9. VICTORIA's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
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A man in Topeka , Kansas , decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco , and then started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thank ed the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Minnesota and entered a church in Little Falls, MN. Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could t alk to God. But in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'
I love this part............................. The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Minnesota now......You're in God's Country, it's a local call.' ****************************
3 Things
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back - 1. Time 2. Words 3. Opportunity
Three things in life that can destroy a person - 1. Anger 2. Pride 3. Unforgiveness
Three things in life that you should never lose 1. Hope 2. Peace 3. Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable - 1. Love 2. Family & Friends 3. Kindness
Three things in life that are never certain - 1. Fortune 2. Success 3. Dreams
Three things that make a person - 1. Commitment 2. Sincerity 3. Hard work
Three things that are truly constant - Father - Son - Holy Spirit
I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today; to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way. God's love is always with you, God's promises are true. And when you give God all your cares, you know God will see you through.
Pass this along to People you want God to Bless - I just did!
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the Senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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God is like Television commercials ???
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like. BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles.
God is like a FORD He's got a better idea.
God is like. COKE He's the real thing.
(This is great)
God is like HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like. TIDE He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like. GENERAL ELECTRIC He brings good things to life.
God is like. SEARS He has everything.
God is like. ALKA-SELTZER Try Him, you'll like Him
God is like. SCOTCH TAPE You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like. DELTA He's ready when you are.
God is like. ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him.
God is like. VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like. DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)
God is like. the U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
God is like. Chevrolet. .the heart beat of America
God is like Maxwell house. . . Good to the very last drop
God is like. Bounty. . He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and He won't fall apart on you
BLESSINGS FROM MY HOUSE TO YOUR HOUSE!
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'." ***********************
zipper
a man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. a lady cashier walked up to him and said, "your barracks door is open." not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
when he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "your fly is open." he zipped up and finished his shopping. at the checkout he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door".
he was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "when you saw my barracks door open, did you see a marine standing in there at attention"?
the lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said
" no, no i didn''t, all i saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".
*****************
And They Ask---Why I Like Retirement????
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
Happiness is a voyage, not a destination, there is no better time to be happy than NOW
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Einstein's theory
March 19th was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
**************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MUSTACHE
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
The first owner of the Marlboro Company die d of lung cancer. So did the first "MarlboroMan."
PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) ********************************************
And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
The Duck & the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa . He shot and dropped abird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming overhere."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Iowa. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." *********************
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Circumcised - this is priceless!
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".
KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
***********************************
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS
and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!
*********
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short,
Break the rules,
forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love Truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you Smile.
Send to all the people you love and don't want to lose in 2007
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should Dance
***************
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING: DO NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end!
(I don't know if this is true, but it's a cool story... Dolly)
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called, "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.
He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
T he second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blu e eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you.
God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being par t of God! share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
There is an Angel sent to watch over you.
In order for her to work, you must pass this on to the people you want watched over.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
************
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So, the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on
her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had
before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his
youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" My darling" she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek"
"When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others!
Thought For The Day
"Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!" *******************************************
Don't be flattered,
this message was sent to ME!!
I just wanted YOU to read it, ********************************
Fern and Bamboo..what a great story! *******************************
This is the day the LORD has made ; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
Don't give up..... ****************
One day I decided to quit... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said. "In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots.
Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you." "Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return. "As high as it can?" I questioned. "Yes."
He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. Never, Never, Never Give up. ******************************************
For the Christian Prayer is not an option but an opportunity. Don't tell the Lord how big the problem is, tell the problem how Great the Lord is! Heavens door open this morning, God asked me... My CHILD...what can I do for you?" and I said "Father, please protect and bless the one reading this message.
God smiled and answered ... request granted. This message is now in your hands. What will YOU do with it? You never know when GOD is going to bless you!! Good things happen when You least expect them to!
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posted
Osama Bin Laden died and went to heaven......[OK, believe what you want! ]
and when he got there, George Washington punched him in the face. Then came Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, John Adams, and about 60+ other founders of the country.
They all pummeled him and Osama yelled out, "This is not what I was promised!!"
God said, "I told you that you would be with 72 Virginians!!"
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
not humorous, but very touching
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.
He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son.. Who will bid for this picture?"
There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings.. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted. "Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"
But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!" The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over." "What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets everything!"
God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE
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bettyg
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posted
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him
and him and him."
share the hymns with someone who needs a smile..
If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here Pass it on to your friends Keep spreading the Cheer.
Why Older Chicks Rule - by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".
Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best t friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
TO MY LYME FRIENDS,
i know we have different views on this subject, but it was quite and i was NOT expecting this punch line! bettyg
*************
Love Story
I will seek and find you . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love, The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
COLONOSCOPY love this one!!
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examinin g room , and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down . While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly
a rubber glove
and a beer ********
When the doctor finally came in I said, 'Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam . I know what the K-Y?is for and I know what the glove is for,but can you tell me what the BEER is for ?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . .
Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT' *****************************
Four Worms and a lesson____
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" ++++++++++++++++++++
That pretty much ended the service -- :)__________________________________________________
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Seniors' Halloween An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go any way I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?"
He replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator. lol
**************************
16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 45 YEARS TO LEARN: By Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person.
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have with dinner
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posted
[Let's see how well that Lyme brain of yours is working! ]
Tall Tales Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
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THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND! After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry... "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery." ****************************************
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND! After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry... "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery." ****************************************
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bettyg
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THE BOY AND THE PUPPY..had great graphics too!
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence,
the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands. -------------------
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and Panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ***********
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD
This Is AMAZING!!! I never knew this.
Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it was determined by color or size. Until Now.
Which of The Two Birds Is a Female??? Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female. It can be done. Even by someone with limited bird watching skills.
fyi.....if it does not show up, the one bird is talking ALL the time!! lol
Send this to all of the men you know, who could do with a good laugh
and to all women who have a great sense of humor................ *****************************************
5 RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: ******************************************
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. ***************************************
THE OUTHOUSE
The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet-red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised, To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tyke Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"
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bettyg
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Time passes. Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim,
cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, nieces, ousins and extended family all bless our life. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each ther.
Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did. There are more than 20 angels in this world;
10 are peacefully sleeping on clouds, nine are playing, and one is reading her email at this moment!
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"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked. "Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for." "I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office. "Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration.
"We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup.
The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
"Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"
"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.
"No not size.. the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said.
"Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said.
Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but only the moments that take our breath away." ********************************
NEW TURKEY RECIPE
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!! You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes. 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. W atch your guests' faces...
May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!
Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E. coli, the bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of concentrated poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service *********************************************
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-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
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FIREMEN SEX !!
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, We are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the heck is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied, YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE. lol
Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
If you like this, send this on to the people you really care about. I did.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
posted
read after the initial story for the SENIOR version of jesus loves me..... cute!
Special Hymn Many years ago, while watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years...... He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.
After a warm welcome and introduction of this speaker, as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind, he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak.... .. "When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials.
The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me......the only thing that would comfort was this verse...
"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, We are weak but he is strong..... Yes, Jesus loves me... The Bible tells me so."
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."
Senior version of "Jesus Loves Me".
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair, or no hair at all.
For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of "Jesus Loves Me". It is quite good, so read, sing and enjoy:"
"JESUS LOVES ME"
Jesus loves me, this I know, Though my hair is white as snow. Though my sight is growing dim, Still He bids me trust in Him. (CHORUS) YES, JESUS LOVES ME..YES, JESUS LOVES ME... YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO. Though my steps are oh, so slow With my hand in His I'll go On through life, let come what may, He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS) Though I am no longer young, I have much which He's begun. Let me serve Christ with a smile, Go with others the extra mile.
(CHORUS) When the nights are dark and long, In my heart He puts a song. Telling me in words so clear, "Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS) When my work on earth is done, And life's victories have been won. He will take me home above, Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS) I love Jesus, does He know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say, That I love Him every day.
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to your friends If you do not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.
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bettyg
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This is very relaxing, believe it or not! Enjoy!!
This is really neat! MOVE THE CURSOR AROUND THE SCREEN.
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!! You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests! Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes. 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details) 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. Watch your guests' faces...
great photo not shown on the turkey wearing a TWO-PIECE BIKINI !!
May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving **********************
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Sun City Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, ' Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a momen t, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying 'That's 40 cents, please'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their mart inis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired from Ford. They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price!' ***************
I Found It !
And you thought there was no such place, huh????
You will all be so pleased to receive this....... How many times have we been 'up there without one!'
IT SHOWED A PHOTO OF A STORE NAMED, "**** CREEK" SELLING PADDLES!!
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bettyg
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to my friends, i'm going to start this one out seriously for one of our dear members, carol ann!
please put Carol Ann and John Schaffner in your prayer chain; they are going thru some really rough times. John had his esophagus removed earlier, and now more cancer is in his body with complications. Please pray for their family as they go thru this, and they may see improvements daily in John! thank you ALL for my lymenet friend!! bettyg, IOWA lyme activist ********************************
A new journal entry for Gary Norbut's CaringBridge site was posted at 01:01 PM on 11/10/2007.
Charles Plumb, a US Naval Academy graduate, was a jet fighter pilot in Vietnam.
After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent six years in a communist Vietnamese prison.
He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your parachute," the man replied.
Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!"
Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."
Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man.
Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers.
I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said "Good morning," "How are you?" or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.
Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time, the fate of someone he didn't know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?"
Everyone has someone who provides what he or she needs to make it through the day. Plumb also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory -- he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute.
He called on all these supports before reaching safety. Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason.
As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize those people who pack your parachute.
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bettyg
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TO MY: SISTER CHICKS!
Girlfriend and Sister's Week
I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have.
To the cool women who have touched my life Here's to you!
National Girlfriends Day
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants and shopping, lunching, and traveling girls?
Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake! TO MY GIRLFRIENDS! Be Happy!
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Have a great day and relax.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!! **********************
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great.........that's really great..some *******'s got my pen ;)__________________________________________________
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bettyg
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some serious stuff but inspirational!!
"How far that little candle throws its beam. So shines a good deed in a naughty world..." Wm. Shakespearre: the Bard of Avon
THE CANDLE
NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE
THE CANDLE WAS STARTED.
GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS.
I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable --
angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do. *********************
This is to all of you who mean something to me,
I pray for your happiness.
The Candle Of Love, Hope & Friendship
() |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| ---|
This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998. SOMEONE THAT LOVES YOU IS HELPING keep it alive by sending it to you.
Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope
and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love! May God richly bless you and
Please keep this candle alive
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
*************************************************
This is great. . Click on this URL to see the house that I found for sale.
This house is so awesome, that we all have been invited to invest in it. (if you click scroll bar once, it will auto scroll) Turn your speakers on.
posted
Smile ====== A little girl walked to and from school daily.
The weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following each roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly Got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her,
"What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
****************************
Judy wrote: 20 THINGS TO REMEMBER ==========================
1. Faith is the ability to not panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is kinda like calling home every day.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings.
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day - it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people.
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional. (Preach it!)
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16. We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast so enjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay.
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. Leave gentle fingerprints on the soul of another for the angels to read. I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. *********************GOD CALLING ON CHAT LINE!
Did You Call Me? ================= God: Hello. Did you call me? Me: Called you? No... Who is this?
God: This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So, I thought I will chat. Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now.
God: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too. Me: Don't know. But, I can't find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.
God: Sure. Activity gets you busy. Productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it. Me: I understand. Yet, I still can't figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to call me on instant messaging chat
God: I wanted to solve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this internet era, I wanted to reach you through the way in which you would understand.
Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now? God: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis makes it complicated.
Me: Why are we constantly unhappy? God: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.
Me: How can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty? God: Uncertainty is inevitable. Worrying is optional.
Me: There is so much pain due to uncertainty. God: Pain is inevitable - it will come. Suffering is optional, you can choose.
Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people also suffer? God: Diamonds cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but, don't suffer. With that experience, their life becomes better, not bitter.
Me: You mean to say such experience is useful? God: Yes. Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afteds.
Me: Still, why should we go through such tests? Why can't we be free from problems? God: Problems are purposeful roadblocks offering beneficial lessons to develop strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.
Me: Frankly, in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading ... God: If you look outside, you will not know where you are going.
Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.
Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do? God: Success is a measurement decided by others. Satisfaction is a measurement decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.
Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated? God: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.
Me: What surprises you about people? God: When they suffer they ask, "Why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me?" Everyone wishes to have truth on their side. Few want to be on the side of the truth.
Me: Sometimes, I ask, "Who am I? Why am I here?" I can't get the answer. God: Seek not to find who you are, but, to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery. It's a process of creation.
Me: How can I get the best out of life? God: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
Me: One last question. Sometimes, I feel my prayers are not answered. God: There are no unanswered prayers. At times, the answer is "NO."
Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. God: Well, keep the faith and drop the fear.
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bettyg
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posted
wow steve! you've got an outstanding voice! i'm on dialup taking forever to download and will play i once it downlods; then here 2 seconds of it until it's complete; then it will pllay whole song s on!
getting ready to log off; back later! gld i got to listen to this one. my favorite.
also, since you are new steve;; you do NOT have to quote folks; just show their name in your response is good enough .
trying tro make things easier for you since you are so sick still..
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
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bettyg
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posted
:lol:A Norwegian Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant,....
"Ya, Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and ve don't vant to close da clinic. So, I vant yew to take care of da clinic and any patients dat might come." "Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how vas yur day?"
Ole tells him, "I took care of 3 patients. Da first vun had a headache so I give him TYLENOL." "Ya sure, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "Da second vun had stomach burning, so I give him MAALOX, sir" says Ole. "Ya sure, you betcha, Ole! Yew're good at dis and vaat about da turd vun?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I vas sittin' here and suddenly da door opens and a voman enters like a flame. She pulls off her dress, flings her long undervear in da corner, lies down on da table and shouts: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
"And vhat did you do, Ole?" asks the doctor. "Vell, naturlly, I give her some eye drops......"
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bettyg
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posted
HOW MEDICAL DECISIONS ARE MADE!
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ******* in administration.
God chooses what we go through; we choose how we go through it. ******************************
Abbey; dog died; 4 yr. old wrote letter to god in heaven; touching!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming **************
A smile to start your day.................... There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, " What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, " I don�t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "Just what did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story: Never, EVER lie to a female OF ANY AGE!!!
**************
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, The old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you Might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well... my job is done. Your turn! *********************************
SERIOUS BELOW ... WARNING FOR DOG LOVERS!
If you have a dog... PLEASE read this and send it on. If you don't have a dog, please pass along to friends who do. Written by: Laurinda Morris, DVM Danville Veterinary Clinic Danville , Ohio
This week I had the first case in history of raisin toxicity ever seen at MedVet. My patient was a 56-pound, 5 yr old male neutered lab mix that ate half a canister of raisins sometime between 7:30 AM and 4:30 PM on Tuesday. He started with vomiting, diarrhea and shaking about 1AM on Wednesday but the owner didn't call my emergency service until 7AM
I had heard somewhere about raisins AND grapes causing acute Renal failure but hadn't seen any formal paper on the subject.
We had her bring the dog in immediately. In the meantime, I called the ER service at MedVet, and the doctor there was like me - had heard something about it, but....
Anyway, we contacted the ASPCA National Animal Poison Control Center and they said to give IV fluids at 11/2 times maintainance and watch the kidney values for the next 48-72 hours.
The dog's BUN (blood urea nitrogen level) was already at 32 (normal less than 27) and creatinine over 5 (1.9 is the high end of normal).
Both are monitors of kidney function in the bloodstream. We placed an IV catheter and started the fluids. Rechecked the renal values at 5 PM and the BUN was over 40 and creatinine over 7 with no urine production after a liter of fluids.
At the point I felt the dog was in acute renal failure and sent him on to MedVet for a urinary catheter to monitor urine output overnight as well as overnight care.
He started vomiting again overnight at MedVet and his renal values have continued to increase daily. He produced urine when given lasix as a diuretic.
He was on 3 different anti-vomiting medications and they still couldn't control his vomiting. Today his urine output decreased again, his BUN was over 120, his creatinine was at 10, his phosphorus was very elevated and his blood pressure, which had been staying around 150, skyrocketed to 220..
He continued to vomit and the owners elected to euthanize .
This is a very sad case - great dog, great owners who had no idea raisins could be a toxin. Please alert everyone you know who has a dog of this very serious risk.
Poison control said as few as 7 raisins or grapes could be toxic. Many people I know give their dogs grapes or raisins as treats including our ex-handler's.. Any exposure should give rise to immediate concern.
Even if you don't have a dog, you might have friends who do. This is worth passing on to them. Confirmation from Snopes about the above...
Have a great Thanksgiving.. Sandi ditto from bettyg....BUCKLE UP, SLOW DOWN, and DRIVE SAFELY!
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, at the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and started driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them............You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time." lol **************
~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT!!!!!
A sick man turned to his doctor,
as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said,
'Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side.'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'
'You don't know?
You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?'
The doctor was holding the handle of the door;
on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
and as he opened the door,
a dog sprang into the room
and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
'Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death,
I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning :
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse , I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
And so, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.
REMEMBER..... EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON .
One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend. -----------------------------------------
A woman recently received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
She tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, she was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
She shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, she threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that she hurt the parrot, She quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto her outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
She was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?" ******************************
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Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children had one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that .., Ralph was too tired.."
-------------------- --Lymetutu-- Opinions, not medical advice! Posts: 96239 | From Texas | Registered: Feb 2001
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bettyg
Unregistered
posted
Lena's Cookbook Diary
Monday: It's fun to cook for Ole. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to lend me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Ole wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ole brought a friend home for supper
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Ole asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Ole asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Ole did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Ole keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Some of Ole's friends came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Ole. If I can talk Ole into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
*****************
OCIAL SECURITY SEX *******************
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' haha ***********************
In addition to "Dust if You Must" :
No one ever went to their grave wishing they did more house work, or stayed longer hours working at the office, etc.
Most often people, who are at their time of transition in their life, wish they had spent more time with their families.
In regards to life and our "Stuff" : Have you ever seen a U-Haul behind a hearse?
Dust If You Must =================
How many countless hours have I spent cleaning? I used to spend at least 8 to 12 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect, "in case someone came over." Then one day I realized that no one came over; they were all out living life, having fun!
Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home; they are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and enjoying it!
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice:
Life is short - enjoy it while you can! And people don't care if your house is spotless just as long as they're welcome.
Dust if you must but wouldn't it be better, To paint a picture or write a letter, Bake a cake or plant a seed, Ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must but there's not much time, With rivers to swim and mountains to climb, Music to hear and books to read, Friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must but the world's out there With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, A flutter of snow, a shower of rain, This day will not come around again.
Dust if you must but bear in mind, Old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go and go you must, You, yourself, will make more dust.
Remember, a house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture!
~Author Unknown~
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.... :-) ******************************
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU??? AND I THOUGHT YOU ALWAYS HAVE HAD THAT SENSE . . .
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